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Barry Offline OP
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Hi Train,

Yes, I'm here to save my M, and I know that the advice given is harsh but necessary. I apologise if I worded my post a little strongly towards you. Please do keep tabs on me, I will get through this.

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Barry,

No need at all to apologize. I'd personally like to see MORE of "that" Barry. wink

I'm not giving up on you.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Nov 2014
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Barry,
I've been following your thread because your story is the same as mine. The advice Train is giving you is the advice I wish I had months before my separation. Please Listen and hold on. It will help in the long run.

Train,
I appreciate you not giving up on Barry. I continue to monitor his thread to apply the same advice you give to him.

Thank you.

Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5 S2
S: July 2014
DB: Jan 2015


Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
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It is honestly an honor and privilege, guys. If I can take any crappy experience in my life and use it in a positive way to help others, it's a win-win for all of us.

It's hard to apply a tougher stance in the beginning. Even though I was getting this same type of advice when I landed here the second time, I was so enthralled in my own pain and suffering - and feeling (even the second time) that my situation was "unique" and "different" - that I could have come up with a thousand reasons why the advice wasn't applicable to, or good for, my particular situation.

But precisely BECAUSE I had been here once before - and my rational-mind KNEW what worked - I was able to take a tougher stance (and quicker) the second time around. When I started trusting that people on the outside - but people with loads of experience and research (wisdom) under their belts - could put my situation in better focus than I could (because I was too emotionally-invested and hurting), and when I started trying out the advice they gave me, I started feeling more confident and more in-charge of my own destiny. Now that my H is home, he says my "confidence" - and how I never acted sad around him; I just moved right on with life with a smile on my face - is precisely what re-attracted him. (Granted, he didn't see me cry each time he left after visiting the kids, but let's keep that our little secret. wink Even THAT became better in time ...)

I don't want people to come back here a second time ... unless you're coming back, happy in your life, to help shepherd others out of their own pit of hell. Know what I mean?

Confidence, y'all. That's where it's at.

BELIEVE you'll be ok. In fact, BETTER than ok. Because you WILL.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
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Barry Offline OP
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Here's one for you all..

W and I have a mutual friend (F) and while I was talking online with her yest about my GAL activities, I noticed her profile picture was of her and W.
I couldn't help but click on it (I know, I know...detach already!) and I noticed that W wasn't wearing her wedding ring.

There are occasions where she does take it off (at work in a kitchen, running) but this was taken at the friends house. My stance on OM you all know already, so it's either I'm wrong about that (I would appreciate no further comment on that just yet), she forgot to put it back on after work, or she feels it's a burden on her finger now which is a symbol of vows she no longer wants to keep.

No one but her can answer that truthfully, but my question is, what would you do in that circumstance? I've never taken mine off, and continue to wear it due to the fact that we ARE married and I want to stay that way.

Would you take yours off?

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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That's a personal decision, Barry.

What feels authentic to YOU to do?

Why would you base decisions for you on what she's doing? Why would you react to what she's choosing to do in her own life?

You will find peace quicker by not staying preoccupied with what your W is doing or thinking. But you already knew that. Riiiiiight??? wink


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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As for me? I wore my rings when I was committed to my M. When I was DONE worrying about whether H and I reconciled, I didn't wear them. And when I took them off, it didn't break my heart to do so. That's how I knew I was doing what was authentic to ME.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
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Hello Barry. Try not to read your Ws mind about why she does anything. Doing so will hurt you and likely lead you down cheeseless tunnels.

I have taken off my ring. For me it a reminder that I'm moving on with my life. While counter-intuitive... R success stories show that it's when you let go of your old M that you make room for a new M if possible with your W. If you are being tactical... it could send the message to your W that you hear her and are not pressuring her to come back.

Others do as you do... wear the ring as a sign that they are standing.

It's up to you.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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edz Offline
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Hi

W was never a firm wearer of her rings but took them off within a week or so of leaving. I took mine off in December as I made a decision that I needed to commit to myself, sounds odd but if we reconcile w will put my ring back on, if we dont well..

As others have said its an extremely personal decision only you can make. I felt better after taking mine off after 5 months as it tied into when I started to detatch. Only you can really decide for you though and only do it for you. If you feel better keeping it on then do so.

Edz


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Barry Offline OP
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Hi, thanks.
I'll continue to wear mine for the time being. That feels right...for now.
I didn't go looking for evidence of it as such, it was kind of in my face (it actually felt like it was done on purpose). I also think the mutual friend knew I would see it too.

I haven't let it phase me too much to be honest. Yes Train, I know I can't keep thinking about what, why, when, where or how she is doing things.
I am getting there...albeit slowly!

One thing I have realised is that I spend a lot of time writing up about W but don't talk about my kids much here. I see S18 every day as he works at the same place as me so we have lunch together. S20 is at University but we make sure we speak at least every few days and I'm seeing him this weekend. D15 and S13 I see every couple of days and we're always texting each other. It's not the same obviously, but those snippets of contact keep me going until the next time. I do miss just sitting with them sometimes though.

Anyway, I've just finished cooking party food for a night with friends tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it, more so because none of the people going know about my sitch and I won't be mentioning it. Just an opportunity for some laughs with good company, yummy food etc. I won't be drinking but I'm sure they'll more than make up for my abstinence lol.

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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