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With all due respect, Barry:

I owe it to her when she says there is no one else.
I disagree. You owe it to YOURSELF to find out. (And not by asking her. If she's cheating, she's also lying. Because cheaters lie.) And you owe her nothing right now. She has fired you as her H. What would you "owe" a boss who fired you?

We've been together all our adult lives and I have to believe she's still in there somewhere at the moment. It's not that I don't think she's capable of lying (or at the least, withholding the truth), or being a *****, it's more the already cheating part I can't (or yes, I admit..don't want to) believe.
She is in there somewhere. But you being a sappy doormat isn't going to help bring "her" out. Please don't kid yourself: Everyone is capable of lying. Everyone is capable of cheating. And you don't have to believe it - or even want to believe it - for it to be true. And regardless of whether it's true or not, your goal is the same: Stiffen up your backbone and go GAL and some freakin' confidence, for goodness' sakes!

I'm not trying to be rude, Barry, but your posts are dripping with sadness and despair. If we see it, W is seeing it. And that's NOT attractive. It's pitiful. If you're THIS sad - even without confirmation of an OM - I'd hate to see you with knowledge of an A!

It just hurts me to the core that she is just ready to throw our M away like this and not fight for it like I am.
From where I sit, you're not fighting *at all*. You're laying down and playing dead and waiting for your W to come around when she's probably - I'm sorry to say - feeling quite free and liberated. Those two things (you playing dead and W coming back around) will never go hand-in-hand; it simply doesn't work like that, Barry.

I think that's why I'm finding the detaching so difficult (she's not)
There's likely an obvious reason for this, but we need you to pull your head out of the sand to see it.

And NO MATTER WHAT, your course of action is the same!

Barry, PLEASE get back on your feet, brother. You're making me feel gloomy and depressed just reading your posts.

Your GAL efforts have, thus far, been to win W back. Please don't think that's going to work. GAL is to get you feeling better about YOURSELF. And I can tell from your posts you feel like a beaten dog.

No, sir. Pull yourself up by those bootstraps. Go do something really, really FUN! Do you like adventure? Jumping out of airplanes? What's something really adventurous you've always wanted to try? Rock-climbing? Salsa-dancing? C'mon. Gimme SOMETHING you've always wanted to try ...

... ??? ...

Now, go DO it. (And don't forget to come back and tell us all about it!)


M: 40 H: 44
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What I do know if that happens is that she'll wake up one day, maybe 5 months, or 5 years down the line and regret letting go of the man who would have done anything for her.

Anything EXCEPT being the man she's clearly (silently) screaming she needs ...


M: 40 H: 44
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Barry - Train is so right - though it may be hard to take on board.

We know how hard it is - but this is BOOTSTRAPS time....let's see the goods Barry. Pull yourself up by them and tell us the plan!

We all want you to succeed, and we want to get to know "Barry that only a woman in her right mind would leave"


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Wow Train, you are really amazing.

Barry listen to her, she is a smart one. It may sound harsh but it is excellent advice. We are here to listen to your sadness and complaints and let you vent. We are in the seem boat. We understand. But we will also support you by giving you tips for what you need to do next, which is often hard to see from the sad, rejected, low place.

If nothing else, act on the outside like you are improving yourself and being strong. It helps to fake it til you make it.

Hugs, Lisa

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I'm beginning to think I've possibly made a mistake in coming here.

Although I do appreciate people taking the time to read my story and to think about it and type a response, a lot of the posts being sent are really making me feel worse rather than any better. I realise that people are only saying it how they see it, but my God people, remember what it was like for you and try to show a little more compassion!!
I realise that things are posted with the best of INTENT, it's some of the CONTENT that's getting to me.

Maybe my posts are "dripping with sadness and despair".
I'm not a robot who can just switch it all off! This is 4 weeks old, not 4 months or 4 years.
My hat goes off to people who can just say "That's it, I'm moving on with or without you" and can cope better than I with the feeling of abandonment by their WAS. Maybe it's because I'm suffering from depression as well, I don't know.

I myself don't mean to be rude Train, but to tell someone who is already down and that has joined a forum looking for support in their hour of need that they're a spineless, weak, pitiful, sappy doormat who is not fighting, laying down playing dead and comes across as a beaten dog is tantamount to sticking the boot in.
I didn't come here to have my ego massaged, but neither did I come here to be insulted. Of course my confidence is shot to pieces.
It's hardly a confidence booster having this happen. Again, maybe some people may be able to turn their biggest defeat into their biggest triumph overnight - I'm sorry if that's not something I can do right now.

I'm sure all the vet's here will frown upon this post. I'm not meaning to offend anyone.
All I'm saying is that sometimes, maybe that 2 x 4 needs to be swung a little softer, particularly in the Newcomers section.

I don't mean to make anyone fell gloomy or depressed in reading my posts, so I'm sorry if that's how they come across.
All I've tried to do is tell people that I'm doing my best to cope with a really sh!tty situation and that I am actually making efforts to GAL so I can feel better about myself. No, I don't believe there is an OM..maybe I'm wrong about that but to have people keep on and on about it in every post doesn't help.

It doesn't appear to matter how many times I say anything , or how I justify my decisions, people are unbelieving of my efforts to help myself and/or are so bitter about their own situations with thier spouses's OP that of course that must be the case in every situation.
Is that a bit harsh?...maybe. Is that how things appear to me?...definatly.

For those still reading and are interested. To answer the question of do I like adventure etc. I'm actually planning to cycle from Lands End to John O Groats (length of Britain) and have started training for it already. I'd thought about it a few years ago but money and time away from family stopped me. All this has really made the decision to do it more definate. It won't be for a while as it takes a high fitness level to do it in 10 days. I don't want to be a rock star, a sky-diver, a base jumper or anything else that some people may find adventurous. I'm happy being with friends and family. Is that so bad?

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Hey Barry. Listen... I was exactly where you are when I landed here first. Exactly. This is not going to get any easier for you. It is going to get much much much much harder. Almost everyday.

People here are swinging the 2x4s to get you ready for what is to come. No one here is going to treat you worse than your W likely will in times to come.

All the advice you have received so far is EXACTLY what you need to here. Please look at your reaction to the advice given. If it *stings* you to to hear that you are dripping with sadness... a part of you KNOWS that is what you need to work on RIGHT NOW.

You WILL NOT get better and more well meaning support FOR FREE anyplace else. If you get a particularly painful 2x4... take time to figure why you feel the way you do about what was said.

Then come back here... say "Thank you for the 2x4" and talk about what you learned and.. most imporatantly... what you're going to do about it starting NOW.

Your reaction to the 2x4s in your last post is part of the reason you are here now. There is no way around that.

I am not a vet. My W started saying almost exactly what your W says now. I lived with her for almost 2 months before I found out she was in a PA the whole time. I am still living through this. I still make mistakes... I still get 2x4s many times harder that yours. I eat them up like candy.

If you think you're suffering from depression... go to an IC and get antidepressants. I did and I NEVER thought I would ever do this. Part of being strong now is getting help. You will need it. Whatever you're feeling, your W WILL NOT show you the compassion you want. The 2X4s are REAL compassion.

You MUST get stronger NOW.

What are you going to do about your sadness and need for compassion right now?

Last edited by HPoirot; 01/22/15 04:04 PM.

Me: 44
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Barry, we've all been through that pain and in no way is anyone trying to make light of it. What may come across as 'tough love' to you is actually the best thing you can ask for if you truly want to save your M. It's not easy, but necessary to pick yourself up. As unique as I thought my sitch was, I've found that the longer I've participated on this forum, there truly is a script that most cases follow.

OM- maybe there is not an OM in the picture. I really hope there is not. I posted early on for you to be prepared because I saw several similarities in our sitch- I had a Feb BD, then 'talked' W into giving us another shot, had what I thought was a good summer, BD2 in Sept, days later found an email from OM expressing his feelings...When I finally checked cell logs, she had been talking/texting him constantly for over a month. I still don't know how she was able to communicate with him so often without me knowing.

Looking back I wish I would have found this site at that time. Instead I wrote W emails spilling my heart about how much I needed her. When I did find this site and started working on myself (the only thing I could control), I felt like I was finally making progress. Slowly over the next several mos I'd find out that W was spending time with OM and I'd blow up at her because I thought NO WAY would the woman I know do that to me. That's why I wanted you to be prepared- learn from my mistakes.


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Barry, I understand how you feel. I STILL sometimes feel that way when I read posts around here (even my own to people). I think to myself, Maybe we're too far removed from the first days - the anguish, the sadness, the despair - because the words that some of us say just come across as downright inconsiderate of "newbies'" current feelings.

It's not my intent to be inconsiderate.

But sometimes, the truth hurts. And I could not have said it better than HP did up there, especially this:

Your reaction to the 2x4s in your last post is part of the reason you are here now. There is no way around that.

I feel a great deal of compassion for where you are right now. I was there, too. When I first came here almost nine years ago, I was sappy, spineless, pathetic, wimpy, sad, hopeless, etc., too.

Maybe it would have helped temporarily soothe me to have someone holding my hand and saying sweet things during those first few days and weeks. But it wouldn't have helped save my M.

And that's why you're here, right?


M: 40 H: 44
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Hi Poirot.

Maybe my last post was a bit strong, it was just bugging me. As I say, I don't mean to offend anyone and I am really trying to take it all on board. I know I should listen to people here because they've heard it all before and lived it.
I don't want to alienate myself from people here at all.

Regarding the depression, I'm already on antidepressants. I admitted to myself and my wife that I thought I needed help just before Christmas. 48 hours later, and 4 days before Christmas Day...BD.
I started on them over Christmas (had to go to the doctor after she left). They are helping.
I've booked onto an Emotional Wellbeing course in a couple of weeks and I am looking at getting some councilling through my employer. I'm hoping that the combination of the three will help me to manage my emotions better. I know there is worse to come.

You're right that my response is part of why I'm here. I do get on a rant sometimes..obviously W did not appreciate those either.

I know I need to be stronger...and I know it needs to be now!

Right now, I'm trying to meet up with old and new friends more, keeping active in the gym (in training as above), things like that to try and stop or at least help the sadness situation. As far as compassion goes, I have two very close friends, one of which has been through a period of depression and made it, the other of which knows my W and I quite well.
Both of these have been terrific in just being someone to talk to, and I will admit that they have swung the 2x4 at me often too.

I'll keep posting and work on being stronger.

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Barry

Train comes from a good place on this, she cares a great deal.

Please try to think of it this way, when you first start to DB that is the most vulnerable time and it is also probably the most sensitive time for your R. Often what we do in the first period is so important for our standing and recovery.

I received my very first 4x4 in MrBond's first post which was let my H fall to pieces without enabling. Sandi told me that I need to get some boundaries as I was being abused. Both cared a great deal but it was hard for me to understand that I had been doing all of the wrong things. Empathy would not have helped. I took it on board and really struggled but with the help of the wonderful members of this board who supported me I got through the early months. I lurked for three months before joining here and thought I was doing all the right things and was progressing. Once I started to post and receive my 4x4s then I did so.

You will find great guidance and it is important to take it on board. The process of DB is often counter intuitive and feedback is necessary. Ask Mozza if resistance is futile! Some of Wonka's wonderful posts provoked the same reaction as you have had to Train's post but Mza listened and turned it all around with the advice of the absolutely direct Wonka. If you want a thread to read then I feel Mza is an ideal first start.

Persist and concentrate on you to move forward.

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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