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Hey Barry

Im sorry for your pain right now. I have just found out my wife is having an affair. I tell you this because I also believed she wouldn't be (deep down I knew). As much as it hurts it was actually a relief to know. Has it made any difference? I don't know. But she can now not sneak around lying to me and getting me to change my schedule so she can carry on her affair. The secret is out and that will change her mind-set as well. It will either drive her nearer to OM or give her a dose of reality and maybe she will start to navigate the fog.
Either way my mind-set has changed now . I thought I was GALing before and detaching. I wasn't. I just thought I was.
For the moment we are both under the one roof but in 2 months ill be moving out back to our other house. Then reality will kick in for her. I wont be available to her anymore apart from being there for our daughter. As far as being best buddies which we have been even though she is with another man, that will end unless she decides she wants to work on our marriage.

I hope it isn't for you but believe me there are some similar signs there to me. The script is always the same. Its uncanny but then we're all human and humans are creatures of habit.
I eventually found out after getting access to her phone which she had become strangely precious over. The stuff I found out before that which could have been talked away just all fell into place.

Im not hopeful it will end as they are business partners so difficult for one to walk away. What I do know though is that I wont be taken for a ride anymore. Ill will leave the door open but ill be moving on as I've wasted 6 months trying to repair something that was impossible to repair whilst she is with someone else.

cheers


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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My W is gone forever and has been replaced by a super-bitch!

Legal advice it is for me.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Originally Posted By: Barry
My W is gone forever and has been replaced by a super-bitch!

Legal advice it is for me.

Legal advice is never a bad idea.


Me-68, D36,S35
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Hi Barry

I agree, it does no harm to consult a L. Even if you don't decide to do anything right now - it is good to understand more about options etc.

You sounded much more positive last week....have there been some more developments with your situation?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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The only real development is that I'd tried to contact W, but at first she wasn't willing to speak to me at all. Then after I text'd her, I had a load of very cold, calculated texts back. Treating me like the enemy.
Don't get me wrong, it's still very early days but we've had NC for two weeks and she got her friend to tell me that she had nothing to say. I realise that's a very short amount of time but I wasn't trying to talk about R, I was literally making contact.
Anyway, I thought I'd go round to see her this evening to try and see if she would be so cold to my face..texts aren't good anyway.
She was actually ok with me at both the start and the finish. The middle bit was really where she was saying that nothing had changed and she still feels we shouldn't be together. We managed to agree on a few key things though so it wasn't a totally fruitless exercise. I know that this is going to take a long time to resolve...if we ever do, but I'm in it for the long haul.

Better buckle myself in.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Barry,

Train has given you some excellent advice. Listen to her.

Yes, go see the lawyer.

I think you should re-visit the Last Resort Technique.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-to-prevent-a-divorce-the-last-resort-technique/

Checking the temperature of the relationship is a form of pursuit/chasing. Generally not a good idea.

It take a while for her to miss you. It takes a while for her to sense you are moving on.

Since you aren't really into making her face the consequences for her actions, then you will need to really find yourself and try to build a good life on your own, living apart from her, and hope she notices. This is a long haul deal.

On the positive side, you get your own space, your own "world" and can really get centered, etc. Easier said than done, but that's all you can so right now. This needs to be done without the pining look back at your wife to see if she notices. This needs to be done without checking in with her and measuring her emotional temperature. This needs to be done AS IF you are moving on and planning for a life without her. Skip the AS IF, and go on and start planning for a life without her. She's planning for a life without you. She was ready to move out. Now that you've moved out, take the lead and try to find your true "inner samurai".

I'm going to issue a warning shot, if you plan on winning her back by becoming super-Barry, keep in mind, if and when she wants to reconcile, you can't make your "piecing" stage as easy for her as you made your divorce-busting. People appreciate what is hard-won. You moving out, becoming, super-Barry, attracting your wife back it all 100% YOUR effort. She's invested nothing. She gets to screw up your family, put you through hell, and as a reward, she gets a new and improved Barry. If Pavlov was right about stimulus and response, you have re-enforced this entitlement mindset she has that she deserves better and all she has to do is threaten your marriage and leave in order to get you to perform and become a better husband. This also means the rest of your marriage is going to be one repeat performance of you walking on egg-shells to appease your wife and make her happy. And what happens if you slip? Well, then all she has to do is threaten to move out again. Heck, next time she can have an affair (if she isn't having one now).

So...if you are able to win her back without making her face the consequences of her actions, you will need to address those in your PIECING stage, which is a whole different process. In that stage she apologizes, she works hard, she addresses her own issues, etc.

Best of Luck,

Theoden




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Hi Theoden,

I really do appreciate all and any advice posted, even if it's not particularly palatable or doesn't fit in with what "I think" is my sitch. Ultimately, that's why I came here. I know I need a 2 x 4 sometimes as much as a figurative "shoulder to cry on".

Regarding the issue of an OM (which is what a lot of Train's advice was referring to...again, I'm not saying it wasn't good advice Train!!). In reading many of the threads here, it's obvious that there are lots of people within the forum who have experienced all the pain that this causes and I can see that there's a common denominator of there being an OM/OW in a lot of cases.
However, as it stands there's no evidence of that so I have to stop creating a problem that may not exist for my own sanity.
If it ever turns out I was wrong, I'll have to try and deal with the problem then. I can't really do anything else on that front!

I know I went against the LRT rules in texting / seeing her. I just didn't realise how hard it would be. I may come across as a wuss or a soft touch or whatever term to some people..I assure you I'm not, I'm just struggling to adopt the DB principles and apply them into my daily life...I will persevere though. I know it's early days and she needs time to miss me, as you say...long haul.

I realise that most people on here, and most people I talk to about me having moved out think the same thing, that I've done it wrong and I should have let her go (facing consequences etc). The only problem with that is that's not what I feel is right in my gut. I honestly do appreciate all advice, but if I went by what everyone else said (even if the advice is from people who have "been there and done it"), and ignored my own decision and it turned out wrong, I would be saying to myself then.."I knew I should have listened to my gut".
If it goes wrong like this, at least it is purely my decision to rue.

I agree with you that the positive changes, detaching, GAL, all needs to be for me. It's obviously dificult when all I want is my family back..I don't want to move on, although I know I have to if there is ever to be a chance for reconciliation.
I am honestly trying hard to detach though. I have quite the full diary over the next two weeks, which she knows nothing about.

What you're saying about the piecing is absolutly correct. I did a lot of this last year in our previous troubled time (trying to make positive changes, but then I focused ALL my attention on US, and very little on ME which is what she (and I) needed me to do), but she didn't change much or work on her issues. She's not much of a talker which is one of the main problems we have. Although things improved, the underlying issues weren't addressed. What I'm hoping to happen is that over the coming weeks / months, she will decide that she's made a mistake and that she does want to work on things. I don't want to just smooth it all over though and be (or feel) in danger of this happening again. I did have the "walking on eggshells" period last year. I've already decided on some things that I will and wont accept in our marriage, and if she wants to work it out, these will be a pre-requisite.
As much as I love her, and want to get our lives back on track, I refuse to be a doormat again.

As it is, I am re-commited to LRT now.
I am contacting kids daily as usual etc and they come to see me regularly. Right now, it's me and them I'm trying to think of.

She still creeps in though!

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Hi Barry, sorry that you find yourself here, but you are amongst friends. We get it.

Train's advice is spot on.

Also I want to add something you will not like to read. With your "I hear you but I'm going with my gut" you sound like nearly every other newbie poster on here who just thinks their situation is different. That their spouse would never cheat, would never lie, would never be a complete a-hole. Sadly almost all of us find out that the situation actually gets worse than we could imagine.

I'm not saying your wife is cheating for certain or that you should obsess about that and go look for clues. And I am sure no one else is recommending that either. But listen to the advice of the wise people on here. And I'd say even if you don't agree, try to follow their advice. They know. They have been through it and they have seen others go through it.

When I first arrived on these boards 6+ months ago I said "my husband is so moody, I think he is under a lot of stress at work, please help!" Guess what Barry? He was in love with his coworker. That was his stress at work. How to get rid of me and get in her pants was causing him stress. Ha! Joke's on me for being understanding of him because of his high stress job, and those late hours at the office where I offered to make him dinner and bring it to him... you get what I am saying.

Don't obsess about her possible affairs, but don't put your head in the sand either. You need to GAL and focus on yourself and be strong. Take the advice of the people on here. Read HP's thread. Lots of great advice on there.

If she is having an A or not is not really the point. It sounds like she wants you to leave her alone. I suggest you back off and go quiet. Focus on you and making your life what you want. It's VERY HARD but that is what you need to focus on as much as you can.

Hugs, Lisa


Me: 34 H: 30
M: 4 years
BD: 6/15/14
He moved out 6/30/14
OW1: EA then PA after BD
Now he's dating multiple OWs
I'm over it and moving on.
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You mention having marital issues about a year ago. What were those related to?


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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Hi Lisa, Thanks for the response.

Honestly, I do take every post in the spirit in which they are written. I know everyone is only offering good advice in as much as trying to ensure that I'm prepared for the possibility that an OM is already present, or there is one on the horizon. I get it and I won't lie, I'm not mentally prepared for that.

The "going with my gut" part is really relating to me moving out and not making/letting her go when she is the WAS. I do think that's the right thing to do for us right now, but believe you me, if anything does surface there will be changes to the current set-up. I'm obviously going to may the mortgage on a house I'm not living in for her and her OM to use as a love nest!

As you say, I'm not going to obsess over an OM..obviously the thought is there - particularly about one on the horizon, near or far. At the end of the day, there's only a few circumstances in UK law by which you can D and most don't fit with us (unless we want to make something up). We'd have to be separated for 2 years and then both agree to D at that. The chances are obviously enormous that she will have met someone else long before that so I kind of know it's only a matter of time the longer this goes on.

Like I said though, as it stands, I believe her and although she's broke my heart twice now with this, I owe it to her when she says there is no one else. We've been together all our adult lives and I have to believe she's still in there somewhere at the moment. It's not that I don't think she's capable of lying (or at the least, withholding the truth), or being a *****, it's more the already cheating part I can't (or yes, I admit..don't want to) believe.

I suppose what hurts the most more than anything is that it all comes down to the fact that the love balance between us is one sided. I'm going through this for the second time in less than a year now but I won't give up on her completely.
I wouldn't be here if that were the case.

It just hurts me to the core that she is just ready to throw our M away like this and not fight for it like I am.
I understand how we've got here, but will we get a chance to start again, that's unclear.

Yes, it may well be that we've been living in an unhealthy co-dependant relationship, in fact, now I write that out and read it back, that is true. To be fair, most of that is down to me.
It obviously never used to be that way, it's just evolved over time and turned into a wedge driving us apart.

I think that's why I'm finding the detaching so difficult (she's not), although I am really trying. Even if we do get to work on the R, I need to keep a sense of detachment alive as I don't feel like an individual either, just half of a pair. This is what she's tired of, I can tell.

I totally get it with the GAL activities, and I've actually quite enjoyed a few evenings with friends in the last week. As I say, I'll continue with that even if it's just to keep me sane! I'm working on a list of goals (short, mid, and long term) which I aim to stick to no matter what the outcome of all this.

I will be leaving her alone and backing off now. I can't affect her thinking, I've really told her everything that I feel and what I want. If she wants to close the chapter on our current marriage, but start a new one with me again, that's great. If she wants to move on at some point without me, I know I have to let her go despite my desires.

What I do know if that happens is that she'll wake up one day, maybe 5 months, or 5 years down the line and regret letting go of the man who would have done anything for her.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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