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T384 #2527829 01/16/15 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
Fear is my hurry I guess

I'm afraid of another BD. I just want things back to how they were


The irony in life, is that we typically work harder towards our fears, than away from them.....



PS....Sandi, my condolences as well. She has every reason to be proud of you : )

Mach1 #2527847 01/16/15 03:38 PM
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Funny right ... When I fear something I continually bring it up hoping it will be resolved because of the anxiety it gets me.

I need to work on just letting things be. What will be will be regardless of the stress I place on myself, H, or anyone else.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2527890 01/16/15 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
Funny right ... When I fear something I continually bring it up hoping it will be resolved because of the anxiety it gets me.

I need to work on just letting things be. What will be will be regardless of the stress I place on myself, H, or anyone else.


I feel you here. I have the same fear motivations and need to work on letting things be.

I am happy for the progress you are making, it is very inspiring.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
T384 #2527892 01/16/15 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
Funny right ... When I fear something I continually bring it up hoping it will be resolved because of the anxiety it gets me.

I need to work on just letting things be. What will be will be regardless of the stress I place on myself, H, or anyone else.



So how do you work on that ??

How do you change that about yourself ???

What does it look like when it is changed ???

Mach1 #2527896 01/16/15 05:37 PM
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Thanks gogofo smile

Paul - I missed your post somehow but thank you for that insight.

I always welcome everyones opinions, advice, insight etc.

If you want me to be honest - I have no clue how that looks. The only way I know to work on that is to STFU. I should focus myself on other things. For example - H going back to his old job gives me a ton of fear and anxiety, his boss owing me that amount of money gives me anxiety and fear that I won't get the money returned. So in respect to the money issue - I brought it up once a week to H asking about it. Thinking he knew more than me and just didn't want to tell me.

I from now on have left it be. After texting about it with the bookeeper I haven't mentioned it. H told me himself he and his boss were supposed to be talking about it today. So my hope is that if I leave things be H will come to me about it. That has not always been the case in the past but I just have to hope for the best. I can't change anything about either situation but I can change the way I deal with it.

Me letting go = less stress/fear/anxiety which in turn leaves me not bugging H about it which would (I would think) decrease H's stress because he's not feeling pushed by me.

Now just to figure out how to get there! C said I am very logistic and can see things through steps very well but that H can't. I want him to see things logically the way I see them and I just want a solution - H can't do that right now. We have to figure out a compromise.


I guess I should also be clear without sounding like negative nancy. I am in no way excusing any of my H's behavior. I do not believe my actions entirely lead him to behaving how he is. I contributed sure, and I could have been better but I believe eventually this would have all caught up to him no matter what. I am truly trying to be the best me. A person only a fool would leave, a person that can lead a happy life and a person that can recognize and own their faults and move forward. I hope my H will be by my side but these changes are not for him they are for me - to be a better person, mother and wife

Last edited by T0324; 01/16/15 05:43 PM.

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2527905 01/16/15 05:48 PM
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T0,

Hey, first things first. YOU are doing very well. You articulate how you feel, what your goals are and you DIG DEEP within yourself bravely. So for all of that, I say "kudos to T0!"

All in all, your progress is marked & palpable.



Originally Posted By: T0324
Yes it is pursuit ...

I have tried backing off and it hasn't changed a thing. I was just going to try this for a week or two and see if it made a difference.


This^^, however, made me laugh out loud. Did YOU really read your words??

Dear T0, "a week or two" is a hilariously short time...as in, NOT ENOUGH TIME...

When we try out a new behavior, especially one that's a 180 for us and it's difficult (supremely difficult to be exact), we shortchange the change. We tend to not give it nearly enough time to monitor for results.

We get far too impatient. We tell ourselves to "be more patient", but when the rubber meets the road, we need a lot of reminders. So here's a gentle reminder T0, be more patient.

I tried to give my changes 90 days before monitoring and invariably, after that time, could see some changes in how h reacted towards me or other changes in the way we interacted, were manifest.

However, lots of times I could not make 90 days before monitoring (I'd keep the change going for that long, and longer, but I often could not wait that long to "check it out").

I just think nothing short of, say, a few weeks or 30 days, at a minimum, would even be noticed by a depressive spouse (I think we can all agree that your h is depressed & stressed at the moment).

Once a depressed spouse notices the change, there will be doubts on their end about whether the change is:
A), real, or happening at all, (versus their perceptions being askew),

and

B) If there is a change in the LBS, the "WAH" has to interpret it as a change, and then processes its' meaning.

"Is she GAL BECAUSE she's moving on, and I might lose her?""

AND OR

"Is she playing some game w/me? Is this a 'tactic' and am I being manipulated?"

(I'm not listing "OM" as an option only b/c I doubt he'd sincerely believe that, other than how it's worded in A) above^^...yes he may believe he could lose you,

but him believing you have already found an OM - and are now pursuing OM, is just too much for me to believe, HE'D believe...at the moment...

(Yikes, Hope that^^ wasn't too unclear).

Anyhow, with your PMA and being authentically excited (not over the top, but just...hopeful, fun, & optimistic about it)

over an evening with friends or an event like a concert or "unknown fun" activity,

the chances of it being seen as a tactic, dwindle. And they should dwindle.

Because after all, it's Not a tactic. It's a real thing; i.e. an event you are indeed looking forward to...

So go enjoy. Btw, Having the goal of "I'll enjoy tonight!" ain't a bad way to DB.

Authentic changes in our attitudes, in ourselves, show from within.


Try harder to trust that^^, because it's true and real.


I'm really at a loss for what to do. I thought maybe if I sent the text and then GAL without H. Who knows? I don't know what he wants - heIl he doesn't even know what he wants lol


BINGO!!! ^^^^^

HE does not know!! And It shows. But are you really at a loss? I think you know what to do. You certainly have ideas and plans...You just want answers sooner and changes sooner and results sooner...

SO MAYBE - your work for today, is to work on patience and trust --as in,

TRUST THE PROCESS, b/c it IS a process, and it's NOT a Linear one.

YOU are also a work in progress, and a great one at that. cool

No matter the ultimate marital result, you are becoming a woman only a fool would leave. That's no small feat. The "pay off" is for life.

Let's hope you didn't marry a guy who was & who remains a fool.

You have changed & are still changing, so you know change is possible.


((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Thanks 25 smile

So what is the consensus --- commit to sending the text daily or back off and say nothing??


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Mach1 #2527908 01/16/15 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: T0324
Funny right ... When I fear something I continually bring it up hoping it will be resolved because of the anxiety it gets me.

I need to work on just letting things be. What will be will be regardless of the stress I place on myself, H, or anyone else.



So how do you work on that ??

How do you change that about yourself ???

What does it look like when it is changed ???



GOOD questions^^...

Here's another one.

Have you ever thought that maybe the stress you feel about something, something bad or scary --happening, is increased b/c of the anxiety you feel about it?

As opposed to worry or fears that you think have a use, or a function, i.e. to lessen the risks of 'X' happening,

ever wonder if the fears and anxieties themselves, can cause it to happen? Obvious ones are the self fulfilling prophecies...and similar situations.

Example-- Think of a jealous insecure boyfriend who constantly fears that his gf will cheat on him, and says so, maybe with that "nice, humble guy" at work...

So the boyfriend ultimately makes a jerk of himself, by snooping and or trying to control his gf, by making snarky remarks

to sow doubt in her and to undermine her self confidence ("So she won't take me for granted/be grateful for ME"....???) However,

By treating her badly, he is effectively pushing her into the arms of OM

but then he might say "See? I was right. She was cheating all this time!"

My point is just that, worry can be wasteful and worse; it can be counter productive. Useless worry is worse than useless, which is semi neutral.


Sometimes OUR FEAR of something, can lead us to behaving in ways that actually increase the risk of that event,

rather than usefully modifying our behavior in ways that would lessen the risks.

Make sense?



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
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Makes complete sense and that's who I turned into. Asking H who he was texting the last few weeks, saying you're always on your phone - and then he started sleeping with his phone in his pocket ---- see!! I knew he was up to something

He brought it up in counseling. Said that be was sick of me saying he's always on his phone , who is he talking to, etc. So he said 'you can just tell when someone is snooping, she was asking all the time, so I started putting it in my pocket because I don't want her snooping."

It was my fear and worry based on what happened before and because of HIS changed behavior. So instead of STFU I asked and it pushed him away further


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
sandi2 #2527915 01/16/15 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Thank you so much for that 25, and the rest of you. Your words are very comforting, and I needed it. You are right, of course, she wasn't ashamed of me. I was mostly speaking out of my own regret. Being the firstborn child, I wanted to always make my parents proud. She was so shocked (and quite concerned) when she found out about OM, but she did not fail to let me know she still loved me very much. We were very close, and I already miss her so much. I am so blessed to have had her.

Thank you all.



I'm quite certain you made her proud, Sandi. As parents, we are usually most proud not of our "perfect" children, but those who face adversity and even poor choices, and then fight with integrity to make amends and live a life of quality. Even if it ENDED with that, I'd be super proud, but to then give of yourself the way you do . . . impressive, Sandi.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sandi. I just lost my father-in-law the day before yesterday, and he was like a "1b" to my own dad's "1a" as a father to me. It's horrible.

(((hugs))),

Starsky/Puppy/Choc


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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