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T384 #2527707 01/16/15 04:14 AM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
Train - done and done!!!

I actually am meeting a girlfriend after dropping S at school. She is doing my hair at her salon later in the day (I usually go once a month so it's not anything new) and we are working out. We are starting some fad shake diet (eh whatever I'll give it 30 days)

30 days? Yikes, You're a better woman than me. But I remember the days when a "diet" lasted a few weeks and then Poof! We were all done and had lost weight...yeah, not as easy these days.

ANYHOW, moving on...I LOVE that you are GAL with your friends (and below) you are bonding with high school peeps, VERY COOL!!


Saturday night I am having a girls night with all my girlfriends from high school. I've made child care arrangements in the event H is unavailable. Planning on just saying I'm going out with friends and leaving it at that - in a new outfit and heels of course wink



First, I just want to mention that it's important NOT to overlook the positives...

his keeping the phone OUT and in view And being IN the bed...you know, baby steps, small victories, "applaud the 1% of positives" etc...

Okay so, I'd assume he's "not available" and be pleasantly surprised if he is AND if he volunteers to watch the kids.

You could say nothing to him, OR you could try "h, just so you know, I'm going out Sat night and {sitter name} said she can watch the kids, but did you want to, or is it alright that she watches them?"

Btw, does he have any friends in the area, you know, male friends he can play poker with or hike, or do his manly stuff with? I hope so b/c the whole dependence thing (e.g. your family is his main support, AND the only people he knows are at "work"...) is not good for either of you.

But if he does, it might be nice for him to find OTHER folks or types, for his guy time...


I remember what worked over summer - I remember what he told me worked -- seeing me dolled up wondering where i was going. I do have to play my cards a tad different because I don't want him to think I am playing games

makes sense, but you know this^^ so I think you'll play it right


or make him feel like there is OM.


Um, no, I'm SO NOT worried about him thinking there's an OM. T0, he's NOT going to believe that, but if, by some chance he did, so what?

What would that mean?

-That he could lose you? Oh, gee, that's terrible...oh wait, no it's not. It's fine.

Is your real fear that he'd believe there was an OM (or pretend he believed that) AND then use that as his excuse for dating?

B/C that's a real stretch.

No, I'm not saying "he'd never!" He MIGHT have or want to have an OW. But it would NOT be "because" you had an OM!!

While he may use that belief (there's an OM) as a pretext for doing goofy things on his own, that's no reason to "fear" his believing a lie.

And in the event that he really believed YOU had an OM, he'd FEAR losing you...

but what he'd do about that, remains to be seen.


So I have play my cards very carefully.

I don't want to push him away


I get this^^. I mean, the playing cards carefully Makes sense, except, HOW would it "push him away" to see you GAL?

T0, Don't talk yourself into inertia or paralyze yourself into inaction b/c of fears.


I want to bring him closer so I'm trying to figure out how to perfect that tactic.


Not to deal too much in semantics, but maybe "perfecting that tactic" is NOT the way to go about this.

What about authentically doing a GAL activity w/a PMA and a bit of mystery, and letting the cards fall where they will?

HIS reaction or renewed interest in you may be a byproduct of your GAL< but it cannot be the goal of it.

Your GAL may seem tactical but if it really is indeed a "tactic", it tends to be revealed and seen as manipulative.

I know that's not your intent, but try harder to NOT attach expectations to what you are doing. This "GAL" is for your welfare, not his.

if it benefits the M, great! But if it only benefits you, that's fine too.

Make sense?

I almost feel that he is so distanced and far away that he won't really care that im going out or will be mad. Before BD last year I would go out once a month with girlfriends. During Bd he told me how much he hated when I did that. That he felt it was irresponsible for me to be out drinking with all single women and hanging out downtown until 1 am and then driving my long commute home.

The concerns he SAYS ^^were his, sound legit. It's good that you are addressing them (i.e. not too much booze, not too late, etc) while also maintaing your independence and "privacy".

I'm not sure I buy that those were his reasons or at least not all of them.



Saturday will be dinner and drinks at a local beach bar after. Probably not too late. Maybe that will be a fair balance.

And geez sorry to be tmi but when can we have sex again?
!


Ahem...(I love that question. It's a bad sign when you don't care about it!)

So, why not just quote my DB coach and let you decide for yourself?

SHE SAID (and I quote):

"that's an intensely personal, private question. It deals with us at our most vulnerable and intimate levels.
Some couples increase or maintain their closeness by being physical, others cannot be physical until they increase their closeness...but it remains a choice each person must make for his or herself.

Don't let anyone (including me) make that choice for you."


Good luck!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
T384 #2527709 01/16/15 04:17 AM
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Awwwwww he1l! T's done got her groove back! grin

Weird - wouldn't you say? - that H says he didn't approve of you dolling-up and going out with friends pre-BD ... but that's exactly what built your confidence later and - ummm - re-attracted him to you. He probably didn't like you doing that because HE was (obviously) the one with a wandering eye. Tsk, tsk. That danged projecting guilty conscience. And, hey, you know, if he had "TIME" to take his W on a date, then you'd be dolling up for HIM. That knife cuts both ways.

I like the way you sound here, baby. I like it a.lot. A lot lot!

Sex? That's a personal decision. (And - puhleeze - certainly not TMI for me or these M-related boards; sex is a fundamental, necessary, CRUCIAL part of M.) I'm not going to advise you on that one, though. Someone more convicted in their stance might come along to do it. IF there are no indications of an A, and IF H initiates it (because don't be surprised if he does after you've shown CONSISTENTLY that you are moving along with your life and would LOVE for him to go on the ride with you ... but won't stay at home, holding your breath, for him to do so ...), all I can say is that if it were me, I'd jump on it in a New York minute. But with no expectations. It'd be for ME. And it'd give me one more mutually-beneficial opportunity to show him what he's missing. (And I'd make dang sure it's mutually-beneficial. Sorry not sorry.) Women usually have sex AFTER a man has met her emotional needs of affection and intimate conversation; that's because we tend to equate sex with love/emotion. THAT, IMO, is where you need to watch it. Men have sex because they have a physical need - NEED - for it. So most times, it's the woman who would walk away from sex feeling empty and used if the man she just had sex with hadn't fulfilled her needs ... or doesn't fulfill them later. In your case? That man is your H. And you're already emotionally invested. Drop your expectations, and what do you really stand to lose? PLEASE make sure before you would do it that H is absolutely NOT involved in an A. You CAN find this out if you want to. If this is about you - and it IS - then protect your health FIRST AND FOREMOST. You know this. (Crap, I had another REALLY relevant point to make here that addressed something you wrote, and I just blanked ... twice. I'll re-read your post and see if it doesn't pop back into my brain.)

Again, think of yourself as the OW. She is not always available. (I know that's hard while you're living with him.) She doesn't talk about responsibilities or depressing things. She winks. She flirts. She strokes his ego. (I'm not saying you need to go THAT far right now, but you're getting the picture, right?) His attention on her makes her pay attention to HERSELF. She feels sexy. Wanted.

Here's the challenge: H ain't makin' you feel that way right now. So the challenge, my dear, is YOURS. Make YOURSELF feel that way.

How empowering is that?!? And how powerful that you can pull that out in YOURSELF (when it took a man to pull it out of OW.) You don't need a man! You're comfortable in your own d@mn skin! You know you're amazing. You know you're strong. You know you're capable. You know you're a professional. Honey, you're the total package. You'd knock the socks off ANY man. And deep down? You KNOW it.

Now go ACT like it.

Woohoo! I'm so happy right now! I just love to hear the fire in you, T. You're coming back!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
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30 days sounds easy now ... As I plan on eating and drinking this weekend like it's my last supper!!

He really has no guy friends that he goes out with. Ex boss, his wife and our old circle of friends were all the couples we went out with. The ladies would go out for girls nights and the guys would have guys nights. We are not apart of that circle anymore. It was both of our choices to cut those people out of our lives in August. H actually suggested it. By no means would we be rude if we ran into anyone but I haven't communicated with any of them since August. I wish he would make a BFF. I would love him to have some guy time away from just family time.


I think his 'concerns' were that he was just over me at that time. I was annoying to him. He was talking with OW during a few of those months so I'm pretty sure everything I did bothered him.

The only reason I bring up OM is because after he came back he told me maybe I should leave him for someone for 6 months so that we can be even. That he deserved to feel the way he made me feel. Yes I know, totally irrational and immature. I squashed that thought process

Thank you for putting GAL in perspective. It is for me and should benefit me first and foremost. You are right in that I am acting on fear, walking on eggshells and while I want to believe I'm behaving as if.. I'm sure it radiates from me a little bit.

Here's to hoping this weekend will bring us both some clarity and maybe closer. I will be sending a text tomorrow with no expectations (I keep telling myself that) and see. I always remember Woundedfool telling me to experiment and monitor results. so if it doesn't work I can switch it up.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Train #2527714 01/16/15 04:28 AM
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Doh! Just remembered my lost thought ...

You mention that H may see your new-and-improved attitude and suspect something or be mad ...

Yeah. That's a good point. Except you're going to be being friendly/a-little-more-than-neighborly to him (for now). That's where those random, sporadic, every-once-in-a-while, no-expectations-attached texts come in.

He's obviously going to question your motives at first. That's ok. This really isn't supposed to be about him. And THAT is where your CONSISTENCY comes into play. You can't drop this "new T" if H comes back around. (You've now learned this the hard way.) Find what's genuine and authentic to you ... the T you need to be for YOU, whether you're M to him or not. You are the cake. He is the frosting.

Also consider: We're not wired like men. We analyze and over-think and over-talk and over-worry. He's driven a lot by desire and impulse and competition. And his penis. So if you walk out of a bathroom with a new 'do and with - whoops - new lingerie ... and smelling like a million dollars ... and smiling and happy and FUN ... I seriously doubt he's going to spend much time trying to figure out your motives.

I'm no man - maybe another could weigh in here on that. But that's just my .02.

But here's the thing: please try to remember this is all for YOU ... to boost YOUR PMA. To make YOU feel better about YOU. Watch pouty-H take one glimpse at you and then rumble-grumble at you going out. That one glimpse is where it's at. That's YOUR money-shot. Forget the rumble-grumble. And go ye forth and be bada$s. And have a GREAT time with your girls!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
T384 #2527716 01/16/15 04:32 AM
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Train - we posted at the same time.

So glad I can make you happy! Haha wink

So for me I feel like I am the man when it comes to sex - it can just be physical for me. He doesn't need to be meeting my needs entirely. If it were up to me we would still be having sex (as long as no A) during all of this. It makes me feel close to him without needing to pursue anything further from him if that makes sense. He on the other hand can't have sex if he's mad. He's like the woman! Lol

I have not brought up any depressing talks or R talks (I mean besides C last night)

I am going to keep it light and be busy. Saturday I am going to take the boys off again during the day and let him invite himself if he wants but I won't be offering. All I have to say is he better be home Saturday night to see me leave!

I am so thankful for all of you. I look forward to 'hearing' from you. smile


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Train #2527718 01/16/15 04:33 AM
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Just read 25's post. Holy bananas! I'm feeling some synergy on this thread tonight! laugh laugh laugh


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2527720 01/16/15 04:35 AM
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Yeah, we DID post at the same time, T. And 25 and I posted at the same time a little earlier. And then I re-discovered my "lost thought" and almost "lost" your reply back. Synergy, baby, synergy.

Synergy and energy. Woop woop. You got this, lil' mama.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2527722 01/16/15 04:39 AM
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I do... And if I don't well then at least the party I have next Friday night will be full of young, attractive, mostly single physicians

And since we work in a children's hospital at least I know they like kids!

Haha totally joking - well not about the party, but about the latter.

Since you all are used to me being a blubbering baby or only talk about H you should know I am quite sarcastic and usually the one making everyone laugh and I try to make the most uncomfortable person comfortable. It's just my thing wink

I couldn't even attempt to do this without you all. My grandma told me tonight she is so amazed at how much I have let go of reacting. She told me she can't believe the night I was a mess I was able to say nothing about it to H. She told me she's learning from me everyday on ways to better her own Relationships. And she is one schooled woman!

Last edited by T0324; 01/16/15 04:41 AM.

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Train #2527725 01/16/15 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted By: Train
Doh! Just remembered my lost thought ...

You mention that H may see your new-and-improved attitude and suspect something or be mad ...

Yeah. That's a good point. Except you're going to be being friendly/a-little-more-than-neighborly to him (for now). That's where those random, sporadic, every-once-in-a-while, no-expectations-attached texts come in.

He's obviously going to question your motives at first. That's ok. This really isn't supposed to be about him. And THAT is where your CONSISTENCY comes into play. You can't drop this "new T" if H comes back around. (You've now learned this the hard way.) Find what's genuine and authentic to you ... the T you need to be for YOU, whether you're M to him or not. You are the cake. He is the frosting.

Also consider: We're not wired like men. We analyze and over-think and over-talk and over-worry. He's driven a lot by desire and impulse and competition. And his penis. So if you walk out of a bathroom with a new 'do and with - whoops - new lingerie ... and smelling like a million dollars ... and smiling and happy and FUN ... I seriously doubt he's going to spend much time trying to figure out your motives.

I'm no man - maybe another could weigh in here on that. But that's just my .02.

But here's the thing: please try to remember this is all for YOU ... to boost YOUR PMA. To make YOU feel better about YOU. Watch pouty-H take one glimpse at you and then rumble-grumble at you going out. That one glimpse is where it's at. That's YOUR money-shot. Forget the rumble-grumble. And go ye forth and be bada$s. And have a GREAT time with your girls!


Just weighing in with a man's POV. I really like that you are making changes for you and going out to enjoy time with friends. Be inviting with H too. The idea of seeing you enjoy your life and that you hope he'll be a part of that life too (but you still going out to enjoy yourself with friend in the meantime).

I would simply caution that men are not as driven or motivated by sec as you might think (implied somewhat above). We tend to seek out closeness and sex helps us do that with our mate. The cosmic irony is that it appears that females are wired the opposite. They also seek closeness but seek that emotional closeness BEFORE enjoying sexton with their mate. Notice I left the word NEED out of each version. I think the happier couples learn to compromise and meet each other along the way....a good H should pay more attention to his W emotional needs to get more fulfilling sexton and a good W should perhaps display a bit more carnality With her H . My 2 cents. Good luck and have fun!!


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
paul19510 #2527726 01/16/15 05:00 AM
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Darn auto correct. Sexton= sex


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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