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A Message from Michele
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Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2526949
01/14/15 06:05 PM
01/14/15 06:05 PM
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Sunny Florida
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T384 Offline OP
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25 I haven't really had a problem with R with his boss's. I try not to get involved in his work too much. We were very close with ex boss and his wife. Double dates, family vacations, they were in our wedding, etc. He and H were friends long before H started working for them (they met through work being in the same business). My R with them turned sour when BD came. After learning the things their daughter was saying to my H and learning that ex boss W (OW stepmom) knew the whole time and lied to me about knowing anything (her and I talked, went to lunch etc after BD... She swore she knew nothing).

So that's where that problem started. I also personally believe in don't mix business with pleasure. H seems to do that too much with these last 2 jobs and it doesn't end well. Current boss and his wife are also friends of ours since H and I met. They are having SEVERE money problems which is probably why she lashed out on me. H believes they spent all the money they owe and don't have it but won't admit to that.

I just want the issue resolved. It's been going on since September and at this point I really need the money. Now with them shorting him 2 weeks of pay I really feel like we are getting into a hole with them and their lack of funds. I really am fine with them even giving me 100/month or whatever they can afford I just want something on paper that covers me. If it were less money I would brush it off but that is a pretty decent amount of cash to me right now.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2526953
01/14/15 06:18 PM
01/14/15 06:18 PM
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Northern California
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raliced Offline
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T0,

Forgive me for weighing in for the first time at this moment. I have read your threads regularly and you always get lots of excellent advice. I tend to blunder into situations with some practical advice.

When I read over your situation, it just seems to me that the financial pressure that your H is feeling is its own kind of all consuming fog that prevents him from working on anything else in his life.

I know from your previous posts that he blew through 20,000 during his crisis last year. I guess I'm not clear if the two of you together have cash flow problems or if he is just struggling with a lot of personal debt. I also can't quite figure out what you H does for a living although I'm sure its somewhere in your threads.

Make no mistake, $20,000 is a significant amount of money. But it always strike me when I read your posts that its not an insurmountable amount of debt. Does your H have anyone else, besides you, who can advise him on this matter? I know you are a nurse, does your employer give you access to a credit union? Are you an H members? If so, someone there may be able to look at his situation and offer advice. That type of institution might be able to get him a non-predatory consolidation loan or something similar. Not sure what his credit situation is.

I guess my overall point is that your husband sounds like he is drowning in the finances and unfortunately right now - you can't be the one to throw the life preserver - but he does need help. If he ends up at MC with you tonight - maybe the C can point him in that direction.

Good Luck T0 - I'm rooting for you and for your family!

Last edited by raliced; 01/14/15 06:19 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2526957
01/14/15 06:27 PM
01/14/15 06:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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Originally Posted By: T0324
25 I haven't really had a problem with R with his boss's. I try not to get involved in his work too much. We were very close with ex boss and his wife. Double dates, family vacations, they were in our wedding, etc. He and H were friends long before H started working for them (they met through work being in the same business).

Ahhh, I'm Sorry T0, I'm confused a bit with which boss is which, versus the "X" and the "old boss".

Let me see if I have this straight. The "ex boss" you are referring to, is the one with the OW daughter, right? Okay..and THEY were friends of yours (or your h) before he worked for/with them, correct?

But before that, before the move to where you are now, your h worked elsewhere and there, he made a chunk more money, correct?

So was the new job (i.e. the job with now ex boss, in your present area and for which your h moved)

a job in a start up or in some way, going to lead to more money, later?? And then it didn't?

And NOW, he's in a new job (3rd one I know of)

but you lent the new boss, some money and they have not paid YOU back. Is that accurate? Dang girl, I can't say I've ever lent my h's boss money. That would make me worry they are having too many $$ problems to pay my h.

Have any of the things you assumed would be taken care of with your loan, happened? Did they waste the money or do you know? Is that even an issue?

But maybe I've misunderstood.


My R with them turned sour when BD came. After learning the things their daughter was saying to my H and learning that ex boss W (OW stepmom) knew the whole time and lied to me about knowing anything (her and I talked, went to lunch etc after BD... She swore she knew nothing).

I'm sure it did turn sour. FTR, that stepmother must be mortified. Then again, it's times like that when I learn there are folks who are NEVER "mortified"

(b/c that would require a moral self awareness they lack.) But I could understand the step mom being embarrassed. Doesn't excuse lying, but it sort of explains it. It does not equate with supporting their A.

I just don't think you know enough to determine that, and at this point it's not relevant, is it?

So that's where that problem started.


Meaning, where the problem with your r's with them, right?


I also personally believe in don't mix business with pleasure. H seems to do that too much with these last 2 jobs and it doesn't end well. Current boss and his wife are also friends of ours since H and I met. They are having SEVERE money problems which is probably why she lashed out on me. H believes they spent all the money they owe and don't have it but won't admit to that.

good insights^^. Doesn't solve the problem, but it might explain it. Gives you somewhere to start.



I just want the issue resolved. It's been going on since September and at this point I really need the money. Now with them shorting him 2 weeks of pay I really feel like we are getting into a hole with them and their lack of funds. I really am fine with them even giving me 100/month or whatever they can afford I just want something on paper that covers me.

Extremely reasonable. (Of course, next time you loan someone money, you will put it in writing- so I won't even go there.. cool )

But what about you now writing them a letter suggesting such a repayment plan?

(I'd put an amount that is higher than $100 per month, just so it gets paid off in your lifetime.)

Maybe give them a few options with that amount (i.e. $100 monthly) as the lowest available.

By making them feel responsible for repaying you, you validate (in writing) the debt, and hopefully start that repayment process. Then if they flake out, you'll have something in writing.

(Note - the check you gave them, is a record of sorts. That's not invalid just b/c it doesn't spell out that it's a loan, as long as it doesn't say "gift" on it.)

Anyhow, you have options when it comes to that debt.

and now, back to your h...


-

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/14/15 06:28 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2526967
01/14/15 07:10 PM
01/14/15 07:10 PM
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T384 Offline OP
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Okay let me clarify

In 2011 we moved across the state for a great opportunity making just over 6 figures. It was a large corporation. H was unhappy there so ex boss (with OW) had been trying to get H to work for him forever. So in 2012 we moved back to our hometown (we have always owned a home here and just had it empty while we lived across the state). It was an initial paycut (50%) but I was working and ex boss said it was temporary and that in 6 months he would get a 30% raise. That NEVER happened. H left ex boss job temporarily in 2013 to go back to the larger corporation (they have locations all over). This caused him to drive my commute (about 100 miles round trip). The money wasn't great so H ended up going back to ex boss until DB

Current boss is also a friend that has his own company. Paid H the same he was making for ex boss. Except there is no potential for extra money. At ex boss he could work extra and make a good amount of money to supplement his income. Current boss is not as busy so no opportunity for extra hours/money.

Whew that was a lot and confusing. I'm sorry for my soap opera life!

The step mother was NOT mortified. She and her H (ex boss) fully funded H and XOW R. Stepmother took photos of herself in the keys posing in front of a vehicle of mine that H had given them to drive on vacation. She posted a photo the day my L was in court with H's L to get the vehicles returned. Also, when H told them XOW was the biggest mistake of his life, stepmom and Ex boss text messaged H (I saw) that he should cool off and they knew he and XOW could work things out. That they missed hanging out the 4 of them ... How funny it used to be the 4 of us hanging out, now just replace me with their daughter lol. You are right. It's NOT relevant entirely. However this is an example of why I don't want H working there in that environment. They are not good people for our M.


And yes my problem with them started at BD. I was unhappy with his job that ex boss never gave H the pay increase he promised but it was the only thing in his field close to home at the time so we compromised on that.

And yes unfortunately I left the money situation. Up to my H and that's my fault but I am trying to resolve it. It's a double edged sword bc I don't want to affect his current work and I also don't want it to appear negative towards me with having him be angry with me about it BUT at the same time I need to stand firm and have it resolved.

Raliced - thank you. Financials was what C was starting to get into at our last meeting. H's problem with debt is that what is going out monthly is greater than what he brings in. So he is short and can't afford everything. I pay more of the household expenses so unless he has more bills than he's letting on it doesn't make sense

Last edited by T0324; 01/14/15 07:16 PM.

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2527001
01/14/15 08:29 PM
01/14/15 08:29 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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You don't suppose they let your H go from his job, and he just didn't tell you? (You know, to avoid conflict.) I've seen that happen more than once with other people.

Quote:
He had sent me a text saying he was getting rid of his truck. I just replied with okay. Later last night while he was on the couch he said that's it's really nice that I don't even care he's getting rid of his truck. I asked him why he thought that? He said because all you said was okay. You didn't say anything else like it doesn't even matter.


Man, he likes to bait the hook, doesn't he?

Quote:
He just told me he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't knkw how he feels about me. He's sick of his life and sick of feeling the way he does.


He wants to play victim, so you will feel sorry for him?

Quote:
He told me things have gone downhill that we argue non stop since thanksgiving.


Oh, he is laying the foundation for something else.

Quote:
I asked him to put himself in my shoes. He told me he has no interest in Ow and hasn't talked to her since July.


But did YOU bring up the subject of OW?

Be prepared, he may use the MC session as the place & time for second BD.

You are an amazing young woman! You clearly are the matured one in this relationship. Sometimes a H & W do not grow at the same speed, and it can cause problems.....but it doesn't have to, it just takes a lot of love & understanding from the more matured one. However, if you begin to feel like you are the mother and he's the little boy, that may be tough to overcome a certain lack of respect and admiration in him as a man. But right now, I'm sure you would like to be able to respect him for just doing the right thing for his W and kids.

You've got this now. You are no longer sounding like a scared little girl. You are a survivor!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: sandi2] #2527024
01/14/15 08:58 PM
01/14/15 08:58 PM
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Sunny Florida
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T384 Offline OP
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Thank you Sandi

I have been trying to tell myself that he will use MC to say that it's over and he wants a divorce since it will be a controlled environment and can get away with saying he told me in person.

I'm trying to prepare myself.

Yes I asked about OW. He was saying he didn't know what he wants he has no idea if he wants to be M. So I said are you seeing someone? Or are you talking to her again

I don't feel sorry for him. I don't deserve the treatment im receiving from him. I'm not going to coddle him for his decisions. Yes I want to be M but more importantly I want to be respected first and foremost. The foundation for a good M has to start somewhere

Last edited by T0324; 01/14/15 09:00 PM.

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2527030
01/14/15 09:09 PM
01/14/15 09:09 PM
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Sotto Offline
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"So I said are you seeing someone? Or are you talking to her again"

...and what was his answer?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: Sotto] #2527039
01/14/15 09:20 PM
01/14/15 09:20 PM
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T384 Offline OP
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He said are you kidding? I said no it's a legitimate question given the way you are acting and hiding your phone. He said No way. I'm just stressed


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2527051
01/14/15 09:30 PM
01/14/15 09:30 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote:
He said are you kidding? I said no it's a legitimate question given the way you are acting and hiding your phone. He said No way. I'm just stressed


You stated that question really well. But the reason he gives you for hiding his phone.......is too lame.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: sandi2] #2527052
01/14/15 09:34 PM
01/14/15 09:34 PM
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T384 Offline OP
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He's just full of excuses


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
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