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sandi2 #2526744 01/14/15 02:09 AM
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Thank youSandi and Train,

I'm not excusing his behavior as only financial stress but I truly don't believe it's XOW. I've been Facebook stalking. Her and her BF are back together and just got back from vacation. All appears well - engagement posts etc.

So I got home. H was on the coach. I came in and just said hi everyone as the boys came up and hugged me. H said nothing. I walked in the kitchen packed the boys lunch asked about their day etc (they wait up for me on the nights I work as long as it's before 9pm)

I got the boys settled and asked them if they brushed their teeth. H answered for them. Then I made a point to be in the kitchen while he was on the couch and said hey, my grandma got discharged today. I'm so happy for her. He said oh that's good. Then I said did you want the leftovers for lunch or can I take them. He said no thank you you can have them. I said okay thanks and went into my room and got in the shower. Sitting in my room now with a glass of wine and the bachelor


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2526752 01/14/15 02:28 AM
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What's your work schedule this week, sweetie?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2526758 01/14/15 02:34 AM
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I work tomorrow which would be the end of my 3 days but I apparently agreed to overtime Thursday... So thursday is a possibility but not a definite. Then I am off until Monday.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2526762 01/14/15 02:49 AM
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So H just came in to kiss the boys ... They are in my bed again. He gave me a kiss good night and said I love you. I said goodnight

Continuing in limbo land


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2526763 01/14/15 02:56 AM
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Make some plans with friends ASAP.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2526766 01/14/15 03:07 AM
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Ya actually I don't know if I mentioned this but his current boss owe us about 5k. I've been trying to get ahold of them to get the cash but they have been avoiding me. His wife (the bookeeper) finally text me tonight. Basically being a b!tch. I went out there and let H know I talked to her and the conversation. He was just like okay we will see how it goes tomorrow. I said I was as nice and easy going as I could be.

He just said oh well. I told him I am not trying to create a problem for you(I cleared it with him a few weeks ago for me to reach out to them) he told me it was fine for me to talk to them about it. I wanted to ask first because I didn't want to create a problem at work. Anyway they havent given H a paycheck for the last 2 weeks of December. This is why he's scrambling about the job.

Anyway, she told me basically that I was lying about needing the money (um it's not your money to decide if we need it or not) and that she wasn't dealing with it. Anyway so I sent H the texts of our conversation so he knew and he just said thanks.

I'm making plans if I work Thursday to go out after work.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2526780 01/14/15 04:15 AM
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Hi T0.. sorry to jump in now, but I have been reading all your recent posts over the last few weeks.

I get the impression your H is suddenly having a lot of feelings catch up to him.. guilt, stress, etc. Whether you let him come back "easily" or not is irrelevant, he came back and things were good because he was back, and now that's worn off he has to start dealing with the consequences: shame, guilt, money, etc.

FWIW I think you're doing great, and the fact that you're not reacting how he expects you too is HUGE.

As for his employer, why aren't they paying? What's that about? Is there no contract?


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
T384 #2526898 01/14/15 04:35 PM
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[quote=T0324]I don't think he would say that 25. He is a coward. Exactly why he had to send me that through text last night about the job. Exactly why he could never admit to OW and why he never even told me he filed for D. He takes the easy, non confrontational way out. That's why he slept on the couch last night to avoid confrontation.


OMG, I so wish conflict avoiders would learn that conflict exists regardless of whether it's confronted. Conflict Is still there! I am certain that "avoiding" conflict resolves ZERO conflicts, but I also think it makes situations worse.

Unresolved conflicts fester, get misconstrued, and resentments grow. That worsens things too. So much for avoiding the conflicts...

it's like they believe avoiding (= merely Delaying) that weird awkward moment that comes with someone asserting themselves or confronting an issue of disagreement, is worth it.

They forget or fail to realize that a much larger conflict with a lot more emotional "heat," is looming, the longer they delay facing reality.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
vossy #2526914 01/14/15 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted By: vossy
Hi T0.. sorry to jump in now, but I have been reading all your recent posts over the last few weeks.

I get the impression your H is suddenly having a lot of feelings catch up to him.. guilt, stress, etc. Whether you let him come back "easily" or not is irrelevant, he came back and things were good because he was back, and now that's worn off he has to start dealing with the consequences: shame, guilt, money, etc.

FWIW I think you're doing great, and the fact that you're not reacting how he expects you too is HUGE.

Amen!


As for his employer, why aren't they paying? What's that about? Is there no
contract?



I wondered the same thing. It's weird sounding and whatever is in writing, should prevail.

Also, no offense, but why are YOU handling this matter at all, and not him?

I realize you ran it by him first. I do. And that matters.

But there are so many aspects to that which could negate your own personal work, I wonder how your h really feels about it, and or, if he even knows.

It's pretty unusual for a wife to call a boss's wife or the boss himself, to get her husband's pay. I know I'd greatly hesitate.

( I've been where you are in the sense that h's "heroes" in Alaska promised him $$$$$ to get him there. Then his pay went down and stayed down the 2nd year. What?? After all the rigamarole to get him/us there, to lure him to take the "worlds best job", h was just embarrassed. Probably humiliated. I can understand why. Very frustrating, I know.)

SOME risks of involving yourself in it, include him feeling slighted or emasculated. Or that you are again disappointed in him, financially.

Though it obviously can't help YOUR relationships with his boss/boss's family, but what about his?

And btw, this is the new "good/better" boss, right? (So that makes 2 bosses of his in a row, with whom you will have poor r's, correct?)

T0, you said bringing up money around OR about your h, isn't something you do anymore. You said you stopped doing that b/c it really bothered him...but really, isn't this the same type of thing?

Just asking.

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/14/15 04:56 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
vossy #2526947 01/14/15 05:55 PM
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Thanks Vossy,

There is no contract. They just told H they don't have the money and are waiting for jobs to come in. I'm trying to let that be his battle. The only reason I involved myself was because they owe me specifically that money for a check they received. I'm not getting involved in his business about what they owe him. I only asked him if I could contact them because it's his boss and I. Didn't want to create issues at work for him

I'm just trying to do a 180, no anger, just neighborly.

He did initiate a talk last night. He had sent me a text saying he was getting rid of his truck. I just replied with okay. Later last night while he was on the couch he said that's it's really nice that I don't even care he's getting rid of his truck. I asked him why he thought that? He said because all you said was okay. You didn't say anything else like it doesn't even matter. I said I'm sorry I didn't even know you were thinking of it and I really want to have discussions in person not via text. He just told me he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't knkw how he feels about me. He's sick of his life and sick of feeling the way he does. I just told him I understood and that I couldn't help him if he didn't let me. That I am not a mind reader, although I try to be sometimes, and if he need something from me he just has to ask. He told me things have gone downhill that we argue non stop since thanksgiving.

I would be 100% honest with you guys ... He is full of it. Yes we argued about thanksgiving and yes I've asked hi. To be more affectionate. But that's it. So he just doesn't know how he feels about me.

He just kept saying how stressed he was how broke he is. I said that none of that accounts for how secretive he is. There is no reason to be sleeping with his phone. He said he didn't want me going through and calling people out of there. I said I have never done that and I have every right to and we agreed to you coming on my phone plan. It wasn't heated it was just very matter of fact. I told him we both deserve to be happy and to treat each other with respect. I asked him to put himself in my shoes. He told me he has no interest in Ow and hasn't talked to her since July.

I told him I don't know how to make him happy. I dont know what you want for me. He was just full of I don't knows. He told me he planned on meeting me at counseling tonight. I just said okay that would mean a lot to me.

I told him goodnight and that if he needed to talk or needed help he just had to ask and I went in my room. He ended up coming in and watching tv with me.

I left it at that. No I love you or anything further.

I won't be initiating communication unless he comes to MC. I also don't want to do past tense and overwhelm him with too many issues i have right now with everything. He can't even tell me he wants this marriage. In response to if he wants to be M is I don't know what I want. That's his answer to everything.

He needs to go on his own journey again I guess.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
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