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T384 #2526588 01/13/15 06:06 PM
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Clearly I agree with everything sandi said. This part really sticks out, and I believe it wholeheartedly:

This doesn't sound like marriage-saving advice, but really it is. In my WAW opinion, that is the only thing that may possibly yank his a$$ hard enough to reach his brain.

It might not work. But it's got a much bigger chance of working than pursuing him. He needs to see that you mean business. I know it feels counter-intuitive, but it's really the perfect advice ... and the ONLY thing that might work to wake him up sooner rather than later. A woman with self-respect, confidence and conviction is ATTRACTIVE. Hard to resist.

A desperate woman is not attractive and very easy to resist.

It's elementary, my dear. wink

I also know you're hurting, mama. But you know strength takes time. And it'll come faster with a little effort.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2526608 01/13/15 07:12 PM
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I know what I need to do. It just [censored]!

So no initiating conversation, happy and pleasant. Make my own plans this weekend. No family time unless he initiates? Even then I don't want to have family time while he is pursuing another his ex job and potential OW

I will be making plans for the boys and I this weekend.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2526609 01/13/15 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
Maybe this is what he really wants and him coming home made him realize that


Well, regardless of whether that ^^ is the truth (if he even knows)

I'd expect HIM - TO SAY it is...

but, so what?

How does that change anything substantive?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
T384 #2526621 01/13/15 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
I know what I need to do. It just [censored]!

So no initiating conversation, happy and pleasant. Make my own plans this weekend.

Absolutely.


No family time unless he initiates?


Yes, but please, have zero expectations that this^^ will happen. I mean, you are sort of getting ahead of yourself here. Lose those expectations and then you won't be disappointed.

What, if anything, are you willing to do to verify if an OW is happening, or are you okay with staying quiet on that, for now?

I'm sensing indecision on your end (totally understandable!) but we need to know what you want, in order to best advise.


Even then I don't want to have family time while he is pursuing another his ex job and potential OW

I will be making plans for the boys and I this weekend.


"Family time"...

Denying him that won't help, (but I don't think this is a problem, b/c I don't see him making plans for "family time", do you?)

You want to contrast the life he is creating for himself, (miserable, lonely, in someone else's home, etc)

with the warm & loving life YOU and your kids have in your home...


By "contrast", I don't mean pursuit here^^...just you living your life well.

What GAL are you doing now, btw? it's a bigger ingredient to success and plain old feeling good, than you may realize.

In fact you probably think "GAL is the LAST thing I feel like doing now! I'm hurting!"

I get that. But we harp on GAL for one reason; it works.

It SO helps to detach and once detached, this^^ all gets easier.


When we were living in Alaska, I did the following things to GAL.

*I saw a T, which helped.

*Worked out 3 x a week and got in the best shape I'd been in, for years.

Since we'd had our last child there, I had to lose the baby weight anyhow.

(And looking our best always has some PMA to it. Maybe it's endorphins + ego, but it helps).

*Joined a writer's club.

*Edited a book (it became a best seller. Who knew?)

*Took a class in Italian cooking, and then one in Conversational French.

*Learned how to target shoot, deep sea fish & hunt big game (bucket list for me).

*Took flying lessons and got my pilot's license (also a bucket list for me).

*Greatly improved as a skiier, and learned to snowmobile (or "ride a snow machine" as they say up there).

*Auditioned for community theater and other productions; then got cast.
(Nothing like rehearsing or being in front of a live audience, to keep your mind OFF your spouse).

There, I met creative FUN people, none of whom knew my situation, which helped.

*Tried Stand up comedy, & I still do it. (I once did a whole set on MLCs at the Hollywood Comedy Store. There sure must be a lot of those people around, b/c the audience seemed to connect a lot with that set).

*Volunteered at a Battered Women's Shelter (yes, gratitude for your life WILL occur)

*Was on the Bd of Directors for the state's Wrestling Club, & the Girls Softball club (both older kids were on teams then).

*I took a pottery class (very different for me, but a good stretch)

*Joined the Officer Wives' Club, after 15 years of H being active duty (and my being a veteran myself).

Man, I sure wish I'd joined that sooner. I met 2 women there who saved me from being way too depressed, and whose friendships were/are vital to me.
*I went skydiving, (LOVED it! Yes, it was a bucket list item for me)

btw, last time I went skydiving, H joined me, (a 180 for him)

Notice that except for the skydiving/pilot's training, almost all these ^^ activities are free or cheap.

Later on, I planned and went on a trip to Italy, with the 3 kids. (I did not want our anniversary to be another body blow to my ego, so I did what I would have liked to do with h, with my kids instead.) Best trip I'd ever been on.

The trip was a real challenge for me to do without h. I admit I had some fears b/c at the time, our youngest was 9.

But once there, and having fun, I realized that like MANY military families, one learns to have fun and bond and grow, with or without the other parent there.

Families can be close and loving, even when one party is absent...the trip validated that and empowered me, a great deal. The first trip I planned was a short ski trip about 3 hours away. That got me and the kids used to the idea of having fun, with or without h.

As I said, GAL is key to Detachment. Both GAL & Detachment, will help you heal.

We are all rooting for you and sending you peace, light & love.

Keep on keeping on, T0. You've got this.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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I don't think he would say that 25. He is a coward. Exactly why he had to send me that through text last night about the job. Exactly why he could never admit to OW and why he never even told me he filed for D. He takes the easy, non confrontational way out. That's why he slept on the couch last night to avoid confrontation.

Which is why, as hard as it was, I didn't say anything but managed a goodnight to him because he expected me to be nasty or come out there and try to talk

I feel that these next couple days are going to be paramount for me. I expect him to leave but I will be so upset when it actually happens because as much as I 'think' it will happen I know I will flip out.

Him choosing to sleep on the couch shows his decision. He said he wasn't picking a job over his family but by him choosing to sleep on the couch it shows me more. He is picking *something* over me.

And you're right. I do need to be a choice, a better person. I struggle to find the balance of being the W only a fool would leave and not a pursuing doormat.

I have no GAL activities. Our lives have revolved around things with each other and our boys.

I will be hitting the gym back and re-applying for the second job I had. but most important I am starting grad school this year

Oh and ETA:

I fully do not expect him to plan family time. I actually thought about offering him to have the boys Sunday and I would have them Saturday. Any thoughts on that?

Also I'm not doing anything about an OW right now. I can't accesss phone records, nothing is indicating anything on Facebook. So there's not much I can do and right now it doesn't change my goal. If anything reveals itself in the future then I can certainly reevaluate. At this time with the facts I do have I do not want a D.

Last edited by T0324; 01/13/15 08:15 PM.

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2526639 01/13/15 08:41 PM
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TO - sounds like you have a lot to be at peace over, if you saved your marriage once, held on to your changes...and he's still making the same choices and generally giving very few f*&^s.

Please hold a thought close to you to chase out the desperation and keep that peace with you - you deserve more than this and you are better than this! You are worth loving and someone that is deserving of some pursuit, themselves.

May be time for you to be the WAS, at least emotionally to start, and get on with creating a better future and environment for yourself and your family.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Zelda09 #2526692 01/13/15 11:06 PM
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T,

I, for one, am not convinced H is seeing or pursuing OW again. I could absolutely be wrong. But considering the financial pressure he has been under, it would take A LOT more to convince me he's back in an A.

I think you're EXACTLY right: for all intents and purposes, whether he is or isn't in an A should not change your planned course of action.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2526719 01/14/15 12:40 AM
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Train,

I do believe he does not have OW. I think it is the financial stress and depression. Not that either excuses his actions or behavior.

Still haven't heard from him or tried to talk to him. Hes not even home.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2526722 01/14/15 12:48 AM
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Do you see how much stronger you are compared to the beginning stages of the last time this "distancing" happened?

You're not chasing (pursuing) H, not begging him to reconsider, not begging him to stay, not begging him to refuse to work for XOW's dad.

You're in the biggest case of limbo ever. And, Honey, you are rock solid. Nerves of STEEL, I tell ya.

You are doing BEYOND great, T0.

One day at a time ...


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
T384 #2526725 01/14/15 01:07 AM
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Two things that really stand out is how he has been sleeping with his phone to keep it private, and him choosing to sleep on the couch. You don't sleep with a phone when you are stressed out. And him sleeping on the couch when you have not pursued an argument, is a big statement in my book.

Your female intuition has been telling you something was off. I just don't think he would resemble so much who he was last, if this was over financial stressors alone. He is choosing to rebel against the life he had with you, and that is why he has this stinking attitude and inexcuseable behavior.

From what I can tell, you have been a W only a fool would leave. So what does that say for him?

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly." (Prov 26:11)


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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