Barrybran - A Year On

[gan]

It's a beautiful poem, Barrybran. Thanks for sharing!

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

My wife is in town and stopped by home just now. I wasn't expecting to see her at all this weekend but she came to grab something and I happened to be home. I have been talking about the move with my kids and I floated the idea of my son spending one-on-one time with myself and my wife as he has missed out on this with the girls growing up and him starting school. He mentioned it in front of my wife today and she grilled me about it when she saw me.

She feels as though she's out of the loop. I get that. I have tried to include my son in things as he's getting older and understanding more. My wife took offence that I discussed it with him before her. I'm getting frustrated by the giant stone wall she's put up. It gets us nowhere. I told her I don't feel that I can approach her with anything and that it's easier to wait until she's ready to talk about things before I discuss them. I really hate her attitude at the moment and it makes me not want to move. That's not fair on the kids though and I'll go ahead with the move because it's the right thing to do. I just wish she would cool the f*** down though.

Oddly enough, I haven't missed her recently. I've felt at peace with her not being around. Yes, the same old line from me applies in that she's my wife, I want things to work out and I believe they can. She's making things damn hard though and I feel more in control of my life without her around than I do with her around. This is a good thing. I do wish she'd get off the "moving forward with my life" train though because it's not getting anyone anywhere; it's just creating more trust issues and creating a bigger divide as opposed to dropping the attitude and working together as a team.

I'm due to take the kids up to her town next Sunday and right now, I'm not sure I want to. Again, I will do it because it's the right thing to do but I won't be putting up with negative behaviour for three days. I've come too far for that.

[Faith2b]

Barrybran reading the superman book you recommended to someone on this site. I actually am a female my eyes are as big as a house. Its really opening me up. Wow!!

Thanks for the suggestion!

[Barrybran]

Are you referring to Way of the Superior Man, faith?

[Barrybran]

I wouldn't mind some feedback if any has some. I've discussed with S7 the prospect of spending one-on-one time with both W and I when we do eventually move to my wife's town. I hadn't brought it up with my wife and S7 told her in what she described as a "this is going to happen way" even though I told S7 I'd have to discuss it with W first.

She wasn't happy about this and told me to discuss these things with her before discussing them with the kids. I get where she's coming from. I barely speak to her though and I do want to try and include S7 in some plans where appropriate and I don't feel this one was out of line. My wife does however.

Any thoughts?

[Faith2b]

Yes the superman book!! Awesome. Well my 2 cents about plans. Yes they should be discussed between u and w. At the moment I can see that it's hard to make indefinite plans when you are so far from eachother and the current circumstance. I think that this will be a great way to show her you have improved in your communication. But this may be best answered by expert db's

[Barrybran]

Thanks for your input, Faith. I'm not so concerned about the DB side of things but more the co-parenting side of things. My wife and I are both very strong headed people and I'm just trying to do the right thing by everyone involved while being strong to my own values. At the moment, that's proving to be a challenge.

As for the book, yes, it is awesome. I was struggling with the whole "who am I", "what do I want" and "how do I handle this situation" questions several months ago when Lostforwords pointed me in the direction of this book. It cleared up a hell of a lot for me and completely changed my outlook on several aspects of my life, not just my relationship with my wife.

[SunnyB]

Sorry, Barrybran, siding with the W on this one. Discuss things with her before bringing them up to the kids. You told S you had to discuss it with W first, and now if it doesn't happen, she's the bad guy. Not cool.

My H currently has our D12 5 days every two weeks. Recently, I offered him another day, to try to get the percentage closer to 50/50. He surprised me and said no. Thank goodness I hadn't said anything to D12, can you imagine how rejected she'd feel?

[Barrybran]

Fair point. My wife said the exact same thing about being the bad guy. Thank you so much for your input.

[gogofo]

I agree with the others and it could also be taken as setting a trap for your wife that is a lose lose situation.

It could also potentially hurt your son or create some mistrust between you and him or him and your wife, but live and learn.

I read some blurbs about the book mentioned above and I think I will have to read it this week while the W is away. I need to be more manly and less passive, so hopefully it will help with that and also with the questions it helped you with.