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How about something like:

No thanks. Right now I want to reduce our contact so I can move forward. Of course we can link up by phone/email for anything about the kids.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: Mozza
Originally Posted By: Card29
theyre still in fantasyland, Mozza. It stinks that it has gotten to this point, that he's moving in, but now reality gets to set in. Now they have to be on all of the time, which they won't.
Thanks for the reminder, Card29. I see the move-in as an accelerator: either towards a serious R or a breakup.

Exactly. So, some clarity will come, IN TIME. Embrace the "waiting" period as a GAL time (required for true Detachment) for you.
Nothing else for you to do now but work on yourself and grow. EMBRACE THIS.


Also, our family life with two young kids could never compare to a part-time lover. But a live-in barely-known new boyfriend? Perhaps. My W is not easy to live with and can start arguments or be unyielding. He might just not be perfect either, who knows.

Originally Posted By: Card29
How is your detachment? Obviously its not perfect since you are craving her. I don't blame you, I was there for 6 months! At least you're not pursuing like I did lol. What is the most detached you've been during this process?
Interesting question. As I recall, it's in early December when I went on two trips and I didn't have the kids for 12 straight days. The change of scenery, the ego boost I got from my friends and not having the kids helped me replenish my energy reserves.

My detachment came from the idea that I wasn't such a bad husband after all and that my W made a big mistake when she left me
for this new guy and that she'd come to regret it.

Detachment will come when you no longer care whether SHE regrets it b/c YOU will be happy.

HER happiness or misery are NOT indices for your happiness. If she wins the lottery, you are not suddenly poor. If her car breaks down, that does not mean you now own a sports car.

There's no connection between HER emotional state and yours.

THAT is when you will be detached. The above words mean you are still keeping score, but that you gave yourself more points when with friends who boosted your ego. There's nothing "wrong" with that, but

Real detachment is ditching the scorecard completely.


The idea that the "Best revenge is a life well lived" isn't really spot on, (b/c they are using the term "revenge" and that's not an appropriate term for a parent of your kids)

but it's closer to the healthy truth.


I'm more detached than at the beginning. I really try to avoid information about her and too many interactions. So it's evolving, even though I'm not there.I'm observing your (sudden!) evolution and seeing how it sticks, and maybe how it can inspire me.

Thanks for sharing your story and helping me see through mine.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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Mozza,

As we are separating with your move out, things will be different between us. We are not best friends but separated spouses. I will be cordial when it comes to our children and logistics related to them. It was your choice to move out. This is necessary for me to move forward. Thanks, Mozza.

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Thanks all. I'm really grateful for the outpouring of support and suggestions for this milestone in my sitch. Here's a translation of the message I'm about to send.

"Yes, I suggest we don't meet for lunch. You've chosen to leave and now I need to reduce our contacts to move on. I'll continue to be cordial and to collaborate for all that relates to the kids."


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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It's nice....send it away.

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Sent. Phew. Not easy. Thanks a lot Wonka, your endorsement helped me push the button.

I read the thread on boundaries. I think I understand the concept fairly well.

What's hard is the boundary itself. In my heart, I don't want to push my W away. I want to email her, banter, talk on the phone, meet her. I miss her. I'm very deliberate and when I chose her as my W, as the mother of my children, it was for good, my heart was in it entirely. I felt for her and told her words of love I never said before and never intended to say to someone else. I know I failed her and haven't been a good husband, but I thought we were a normal couple and I was still trying to make things better every day.

Now I need to pull my heart out of there, inch by inch, and I can't do it fast enough to avoid the hurt of seeing her gone and with someone else. I know I'll have to detach and focus on myself and I believe I'm making progress. But I'm not there yet. I still want to live my life with her, and I want 100% of my daughters and I want to be there for all three of them.

You've all seen how hard it's been for me to give up her Facebook posts, but I did it in a moment of resolve and it worked well for me. I dread FB much less now, I think about W a little less. I've taken this step today with the same resolve: not that I'm detached enough to do it, but that it will help me detach. Also, because it's the Method and I need to trust the process even when it's counter-intuitive even when it goes against my feelings.

I wish I felt better about it though. It takes time.

-----
She replied: "Very well. This way, we're clear."

I'm already dead.

Onward...


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Mozza,

Wow, good for you to send it. I'll tell you I read what you wrote and instantly said to myself....Who would want to do this to Mozza? If me on some forum starts second guessing someone else's decision, it must have an impact on her.

Her response was base on how she felt for the time after she read the text. Not on a day of planning and the vast input that you got here. Do not read anything into her response.

Also painful, but beautiful words about your W and M. What fool would leave Mozza?? You're doing good. Tough day for you, I'm sure.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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Good Mozza. Keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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I agree with MCS - lovely words about your w, she must be a fool.


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
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Mozza, that must have been tough but you did good.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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