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#2523592 01/05/15 04:45 PM
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I think this is a new thread for me.

I was just reading someone's new postings- It made me remember beginnning here and how awful life was - in living color. i am so glad it's behind me. i cannot imagine ever being so hurt or dopey ever again in life (fingers crossed).

- i think it's almost 4 yrs later - i'll be 64 in feb - i'm sooooo changed (better i hope) idk - i'm so grateful i feel better on a daily basis. and that's about it for me. pitifully small & huge progress - at same time. even when i'm having a bad day- it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

I wanted to say today- that i would not recommend anyone ever go look back at my threads, unless you want to be serioyusly bored and depressed. i'm not kidding.

i have not, and shudder to think of how pitiful and embarrassing they probably were. i cannot bring myself to go back there - to that point in my life.

I am still dbing - of a sort. only hope that i'll continue to feel better every year - no real hope that h may "snap out of it". we are and have morphed- into who/what - idk.

i have less idea than ever where it will all end & when and even maybe why . i may have lost all expectations because i don't know what it is that i want other than loosely to feel loved and happy (like olden days). alone or with someone idk that either. i just want the feelings (ideally).

a bit of peace of mind please...

who or what or how to flesh that out- idk either. I still try to embraced one day at a time - mlc aside, all the deaths in my families in last five years have helped change me too. some days good, some bad - none as painful as a year ago- or two or three.

soooo- progress. I can garden, sew & do some painting with enthusiasm - in beginning i hated everything i loved - nothing brought me pleasure- trash - all of it . so yay

lifestyle is sos - we still live together on and off- here in nj and there in fl- and him back & forth. wierd and not making me happy- but status quo at this time. i am grateful for lack of hostility & trauma in life this minute. (see- don't even want to assume peace will last)

i feel like a different person - less idealistic & romantic - more shell shocked. she was okay tho- maybe still down there somewhere?

so i'm outta here - i don't think i even have a new year resolution other than re-lose that 6 lb from november.

now, where are those cookies - kidding....

xxoo thanks anyone out there for all your input over the years. my personal journey isn't over. i have no idea about h - or me (who are these people?) it's still a waiting game or crap shoot or whatever.

I sure couldn't have done it alone- if it all goes bellyup tomorrow - it did/& does matter i think to give dbing a try - to endeavor to plod on thru the bad times & stand up & be counted for what we believe. - we'll see huh?

xxo

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I just hope you have learned some boundaries and are willing to enforce them.

Our journies never end until they put us away in a box in the ground.

Thanks for continuing to post.


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I'm still out here Nero. Periodically smile

You sound pretty calm and peaceful and contented; has all the craziness over your mom's estate finally subsided?? You've been thru an awful LOT this past year, m poor friend, and it sounds like nothing has really changed with G. Still commuting between NJ and FL? I remain convinced that he is not seeing his OW any longer, and it sounds like he is still acting kind and somewhat supportive, is that right? I guess feeling "loosely loved" is better than feeling disrespected, discarded, and despised (I'm amusing myself with a bit of alliteration at 5 am LOL), but is it enough for you?

It's crummy that you feel the innocence and romance are gone, I think all the crap we've gone thru can leave us a bit cynical. Only to be expected huh? Oh no, no expectations are permitted LOL. I have heard that is sort of a secret for living a happy life - to never expect anything so that when something awesome happens, it's a lovely surprise. I however always expect something wonderful and awesome to happen, and you know what, it does!

Happy new year, I hope that all of your hopes and dreams come true, that no weeds grow in that beautiful garden of yours, and that you have plenty of time and money to pursue the crafts you love. I'd love to see you again, and know UR would too, what do you say? Would you like some company?


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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hey hi-

it was soooo good to talk to you. Hearing you soooo happy has perked up my life somehow - it's contageous - happiness. I'm so glad for you. i couldn't find you or dawn here on forum. you've got me thinking - (shot back up to top from bottom t0 say - you'llllll be sorry you asked?) ta da:

Quote:
I guess feeling "loosely loved" is better than feeling disrespected, discarded, and despised ..., but is it enough for you?


nah - it's not really (enough or ideal) , but still better than NOTHING at all. maybe because i've "shared" every single thing in my life, mother's "love", socks, everything with four other kids - i've learned you don't have to like it- you just have to do it.

I am disgusted with ow sitch- but i don't feel inclined to suffer thru the work of going it alone. first i felt tooooooo "weak" to even think of it (I do believe mwd was and is right- if i said pick one, he'd pick her). And now, i don't pretend to know what i'm doing - biding my time i guess. regain my me-ness, feeling more like old self - still "regrouping" still loath to live wwithout any "pack" - even a lousy-ish one ) . (WELL, plus wierd "tie" to person i've spent my entire adult life with).. there's still that. he stays - and so do it. what are we doing? who knows?.)

I think the slacking off of his constant criicism, and looking for a fight, and air of dissatisfaction with me allllllllllllllllllllllll the time has contributed to my footdragging. He does not gaze at me with love- but we are lately peaceful and companionable and very very small-ly, occasionally - bordering on affectionate and i can live with it for the time being. (when i can't - i'll run i guess)

Hugely also - After watching linda & mom die, (and h's step mom, dad & aunt in last 7 yrs) the process, the sad reality of people and their pain & lonliness - scared - in pain - dying - the futility of suffering and all the bs of "having pride" in life. Or feeling compelled to have an image - or be anything other than what you are- - - i don't dislike what & who i am to be a weenford. I never said i was brave. i'm just a girl..

but as with every single thing in life - who says "we all get to have just what we want (need) all the time." It has always been a moderating thought in my entire life. I can remember thinking it back in school, as a kid, as an adult. I don't know if i'm dopey or wise or learned young that it's best to "make do" and be grateful for what you had. We certainly were not a family that was rich - nothing in my life was ever "extravagant" - but i was always pretty much "happy" and grateful anything "extra" was always a treat.

my life with r is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more "privileged" than any time else - ever. the freedom & ease it gives me - not to mention SOMEONE "sharing the load" in life - i am mentally and physically "addicted" i think to him and it.

see why i'm sooooo understanding of people who smoke - drink- shackled with an addiction that's (maybe) "killing them" even - physically or mentally- yet cannot bring themselves to break free & give it up???

it is not "killing" me or my spirit - btw. maybe it's nothing more than laziness - or incredible blind loyalty- now i don't know anymore - nor do i care today.

I ONLY WANT ABSENCE OF CHANGE, WORRY, RESPONSIBILITY, ALONENESS AS IN NO-ONE AT ALL - ANGER & SPEW - DEATH, SICNKESS, GREED (YIKES), ETC. (my very little world has been soooo rocked around last bunch of years- i am happy this minute sitting in my window with the geranium i saved and brought in, now blooming - snow on ground- xmas tree looks nice and at this one minute - i do not feel any worry or care - at all). hey- i'm probbly having a breakdown and don't even know it - after my sister & friend having their total psychotic breakdowns in my face- who the heck says it couldn't happen to me? Even with my neurotic need to de-junk my life - nagging at me- i just don't care rite now....

I just do not have the gumption to "do it to myself". i just can't - i cannot swallow one more change of personnel - one more person "checking out permanently" (even permanently feeling). soooo ta da - here i sit & glad to feel it. (or not feel anything)

I seeem to lack the "shooting for the moon" mentality. I am just "everyman or anyman" , why would or should the world hold something sooooooo magnificantly different for me than anyone else?

I love my solitude, and i am fearful of total commitment, but I am happiest when i have notion i'm a "part" of something. i guess - even something not "great" - is better than nothing. Ya know, i really miss my "pack" family. Even if it was only my self-delusion (the closeness) and i think now it was - i still miss that addiction. the notion of "happy family" - part of the gang. what a total wah -wah baby i sound like. oh well- this being human stinks...

i shudder to think how i sound- but i'm outta here. i really do need to go piddle with that tax form- and quit crying about it. i've become a big baby in life - and i do let h "daddy me" - lots of neurosis here - not goin down that road - more coffee please - wish i had a christmas cookie - i'd kill for some....

xxoo love ya man and soooooo glad for your happiness.

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hey hi-

thanks for note- ya know, i'm bad with whole concept of "boundary" - and i'm not sure i even know about them much rite now. i'm still feeling too "battered" (as in dipped, & fried) - to care rite now how i appear - but I just can't think what boundary i should be having.

i'm a person alllll out there and spread allover teh place. I don't have secrets and places in my head or heart others can't go- if i had to say- i am open and accessible without exception or restriction almost. I hate idea of walls & locks and forbidden things - i can't even bring myself to zip zippers all the way up (i know, wierd huh) or screw caps on really really tight). not only do i not have boundaries well- i am llosing more and more of the ones i had perhaps -

h is self-contained and can't share well (tho is very generous). i hate his "boundaries" i hate rules and restrictions - - i hate boundaries i think- i think anything is possible - for anyone. just about anyone is welcome to show up at my door, come in and have tea- - i have a bunch of people around in my life that i may not even want, but feel too sorry to cut loose because they are needy- i think you're rite i have boundary problems.

what boundary do you think i should have? i wonder - i cannot seem today to formulate some

wait- maybe i've got some.

I do not accept physical violence in life.

I have this past year drawn a line about someone being verbally "violent" to me- i have hung up on my angry sister. something i've never done in my life - it's soooo incredibly rude. But i did it and would again.

if h gets "pi$$y" and looking for a fight I can actually turn my back and walk out nicely saying "you're only one angry here - i'm not doing this". I'd always feared his anger/annoyment. i honestly and thoroughly do not care what he feels now. to my gut it is just bs and spew and it does not touch me.

i'm walkin away from "angry people" pretty much across board.

ow- idk - i hate it .- i said/say it rite out - But I am still am not willing to take what will come in my life if i go being all dramatic and do ultimatum. i do not have confidence in him in that regard and i do not want to " pay" for a bad result (yet). i'll suck it up for awhile more.

that is a boundary i'd love to make and enforce. realistically- i cannot. like i could not convince my sister that drank herself to death to not do it- i don't think it is within my power to convince him that he may in fact pay too high a price someday.

i asked once in very beginning if the price for her was total loss of me - would he consider it a good bargain. he replied no, he'd hate it ....- BUT, she's there. ta da....

hell, how do i con trol someone else - when i can't even stop myself from being here still, because i'm going to do what i do - boundary? addiction? idk

today- i can't figure this junk out and do not care. i had soo much sleep last nite (soooooo rare) that i feel great.

i seem to still be "dbing" as in, i'm still present in his life (whatever teh sitch). for some reason he is still in mine - i cannot figure out why honestly. all i want is a cookie from life rite now. no kidding. my brain does not extend further than that.

it feels lots better than teh alternative this morning. i'm going to go gratify that desire for food- and h does not exist in my little brain at this moment.

so- what boundary(s) do you see that i should be drawing in the sand? just curious- i have no objectivity or perspective - sorry man.

xxo

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Nero, you live with a real covert controller (and not always so covert) Someone who wants what he wants to do, and doens't really consider how others feel about it.

And he has it made - an OW on the side, you on tenterhooks - he can be nice to you or not. This is a stuck situation which will continue indefinitely as far as I can see, while it is inherently unstable for you (and probably OW) your partner goes unchallenged, and my guess is he is loving it.

While he may be in MLC I suspect he was always a controller: the earlier possessiveness is also a sign of control. I could be wrong, but the question always remains - why does this situation feel like your best option? Are you growing and flourishing. We tell people to get a life, and with the GAL comes increased self respect, energy and optimism although it takes a while, and work.

Sitting out a MLC with the MLCerin the hope that all comes good now seems like the high risk option to me: while uncomfortable, it is getting out there and living your life gives you energy and and drive. It is a bit like jumping into icy water - after a while it is fun and maybe even a better way to live. Idk though, we are all different.

Hugs to you

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Well said Bea

Nero - I am new to all this MLC craziness, you have posted on my thread and I thank you for your support and insights. I appreciate you giving me your time to help me along my journey.

Although I don't have the experience that some of the veterans here do,from what I have read so far it sounds like you are living your life in Fear - fear of change and fear of the unknown.

Your sitch sounds incredibly difficult - 2 homes and the back and forth, wow, what amazing strength and resilience you have.

I do worry for you; that this fear of the alternative is keeping you stuck in a situation in which you are genuinely not happy in. Nero - choose to be happy, life is way too short to be living a disappointment -

Your H has it sooooo good, he leads the life he wants - keeping everyone dangling and waiting around for him - he knows you will wait for him - When do you get to lead the life you want ??? Only you can answer that and only you can make it happen.

GAL and moving forwards does not mean giving up on your M, far from it, it is making you stronger and back in control of you - so that when/if the time comes that your h does want to fully reconcile then you will be the one in control and making the decisions.

I really hate what has happened to my m, it has taken me to depths I did not know exist, it has filled my complete body and soul with sadness and pain - but I have decided that HE will not break me - HE will not define me - I battle to move forward every day, I slip backwards often, but I am moving in a forwards direction and I know that one day I will celebrate, (In my first thread I describe my Happy Day Dress that I have bought) one day I will wear my happy day dress.

Be happy Nero - you deserve to be happy, you deserve better.

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I read a book recently, which described ongoing A's where spouse stays in the mix as 'stable triangles' where some needs are met by OP and some by the S.

You don't have to be a point on that triangle if you don't want to. Removing yourself puts full strain on the A relationship, and may give you the space to find the life you want for yourself. The choice is yours.

You don't seem to feel that you - just you - are OK. Like you'll only be ok if you're with someone or part of a pack. Why isn't just you ok?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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hey hi toots, lou and bea -

i have to leave for airport- i got writing- backtracking - giant mess - maybe something is useable or makes sense- i canot re-read and so skip it if you want- xxo o thanks for comments i'm outta here


thanks guys for input. Yeah, i'd say i'm 'stuck" also- but then, maybe i've been "stuck" from very first day of bd. that absolutely worst thing in my life - just happened to plop d own with several other equally worst things- and i feel like just now, 6 or 7 years later i have a minute to begin sorting thru what life had become last bunch of years since linda died in 2008.

I've never even gotten around to crying for a stinkin week over the person i spent every waking moment with for 24 years & was my "irish twin" & alter ego in life. she's the person who had every "adventure of my life with me- when she died, there they went , well, the person to share them with. it's alot.

now that i say that- i have to go to airport in a few - but i have a thought here that you popped into my head - youknow, deciding to have them " pull the plug" on her was really hard. as usual - in my family- i was guy in hot seat. mom just couldnt' cope - no one else could - i did, based on the many dr opinons, etc i got. it was soooo awful to see her laying ther gaping for air- so not what she'd want. however - 7 years later - was there really hope and they were being overly dramatic? idk, was it the rite thing? could there have been hope? idk- ya make your best call. everyone i meet has a story it seems about the person that the dr. said would die soon - who survived and ta da, is alive today.

i don't re-think that decision- but it does make one take stock and not be jumping into what seem like life's bigger decisions.

it's dramatic i know- and til he's dead or me- there is always an "option" open i guess. i think i'm the sort tho to be all or nothing.

if i go- i will not look back and that chapter of my lie will be over and done. it's probably a counterproductive outlook for me to have- i've thought that too- maybe dooming him for his own actions - but it's me (rite now anyway). i'll stick it as long as i possibly can and when i'm done - i'm done forever.

maybe i'll become wise or generous or something- never know - i am definitely morphing from the person i always was all my life- things i like and some not. ii'm a bit cyunical and i don't like that- but it's normal i'd think.

the mlc bit of this mix - I'm not sure there is really a deadline that fits all. I do hear what each of you say- I've thought it all myself. no kidding. it's all sound advice and input.

problem is - there's soooooo much that goes into it all (at least in my head and life). i'd be writing all day here - you know me, explain til the other guy's ears are bleeding. i find it hard to distill down -

who i am - i listen and "understand" people's frailties, junk, choices, i prop people up- tell them it's okay to be who they are, don't judge their addictions, etc. (maybe i make excuses for them - idk.. i've done it sooooo long - and mom got really tough and mean, it's what i do. i hang in there- i "see it thru", etc. all t hat junk. last 7 years with mom was toughest of life, to keep going back - i did. i didn't enjoy abuse- it was just always that tehre was a bigger picture- other issues at work. not just as simple as "she treats ya like crap- walk away."

my personal sense of "duty" said do it. hang in there, you're her only link. - it's hard to turn that off here to him completely. however much he deserves it and it will (supposedly) cause him to become old self. I think his old self is dead and gone or never existed. do i learn who he is and whether i want him in my life or not? idk -

no matter how miserable he's made for last 6 or so years ( i can't even remember back to when it all began. he made me really really happy for 30 or so before that. He has treated me better & made me feel special more than any other person in life- ever. he is a part of me and my life - like it or not. It really does seem to me - complimentary or not - that I rely on him being in my life and it truly is like someone just (casually and off the cuff) telling me that your leg or right arm needs to be amputated - and you just say "well, okay - here goes".

whatever my intellect tells me - and it's alot of what you're all saying - i know, BUT that does not make me feel ready to cut him off. it may seem or really be pathetic- but there you are. I guess like everyone alive- i've got to do what my gut tells me.

I still haven't found "time" to mourn for my sister's death- she was closest person alive & we all sat by while she drank herself to death- with no power really to stop her - and gave order to "pull the plug" - was it right? was it the only option? were the doctors wrong? who will ever know.

at exact same time- my tough, competent mom just begins a scary mind/health descent - who's HER rock now, me. bad enough for someone like me- commitment phobic a bit. honestly- it's uflattering i know, but i've always known aboutmyself that if i'm honest- i don't evem want responsibility for myself, much less someone else - and someone else with huge issues that will not ever get better - just worse. and particularly immediately following my inability to "save" linda.

i'm just sayin. i'd like to crucify myself for the bum i probably am in life- but i just can't. i just feel like a person who thinks she's doin her best with a bunch of really hard-to-deal with junk.






I think his office-life has only been replaced by his computer-life. I was always working and home and never ever saw any of it (well, for what it was (apparently - fun social-flirtie life as well).

i know everyone slaps their heads and probably says "enough" about me - regularly. it's just not simple- i know it seems so, enough is enough right?

I think this morning, part of my getting moving here quick enough for the world is that i've never had time to mourn my sister's death in 2008 (closest person in life) which was also beginning of my awareness of h having some kind of "problems" and disconnect in our r; my mom's immediate (and scary) onset of memory/health problems (bigtime"; mom getting sued month later by cousin to sell shorehouse(horrible for her & she'd tell ya too!) - idk - when bomb dropped a few years later- all i could do was look around me at fl house and think "i cannot face loading out my crappola of 38 years of life - i can't deal with it now".

I was shattered completely. well- inside. i don 't know what the world saw. it's 3 or 4 years later - i am not "bleeding" openly - i am still amazed at the "train wreck" my life has become because of the absence/insanity of every "rock" person in my life.

Not only was mom a "rock" out there- she became my responsibility. I am not a person that embraces commitment and likes "being in charge". i I can and did do it- i did not like it or find it easy. it was a strain - the constant responding to her (primarily emotional) neeeeeeeeeeds.

. I've always been a happy person pretty much - even when my dad died, or my 1st h turned violent, huge things- they never "got to me" like bomb.

honestly this morning - i was reading martha stewart christmas mag for this year- she had a poem in beginning about her sister that died - objectively speaking i think i just have not had time to get over my sister's death in 2008 (closest person in world) because it began chain of events in life - mom's mental decline big time (take on responsibility pretty much for her and her life kind of) - all of sudden rite then h became "cold-ish" and different - but who had time or answer to deal with what that was other than thinking backlash to his current problems, retire, quit smoke,dad sick, etc; month later mom sued by cousin to sell shore house, huge shocker;

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Nero,
I am very sorry about what life has dished out to you. The responsibilities that you have had to take on for a number of years is crushing. The decisions you've had to make were difficult and most likely the decision to "pull the plug" on your sister may have been the right choice from a medical stand point. I know how hard that decision was because my mother, sister and I had to make that decision for my father 6 years ago and there were many what ifs, there too. But, the bottom line was, would he have wanted to remain hooked up to life support for the rest of his life? The answer for us was no and I'm sure this would have been the same answer your sister would have had too. Yes, that decision haunts you, but you need to let it go. Look at the full picture and know that her life may not have gotten better had she lived. She's now at peace and is still there w/you each and every day in your heart.

You were there also for your mother and are still dealing w/her finances, home and belongings. That's a tough one too.

I may be wrong on this, but I think you are the strong one in your family and this is why you have had to deal w/all of this "stuff". It always appears to be the strong family members that take on the tasks of dealing w/family issues, i.e., such as death, wills and estates, relationships etc. I do know what you are dealing with and the load doesn't get any lighter as you move through life. What I have learned is that you have to take some "time outs" and do things for you. If you need to mourn the deaths of your sister and mother, then do so. If you don't, it'll just eat away at you a little at a time.

As for your h, I would put him on the back burner for now and start taking care of you. Take the time to mourn what was and find ways each and every day to smile. Know that your family members are in a better place and really, they are still there in your heart each and every day. Think of the good times and do start to plan some trips or get together w/old friends or w/RosaLinda and uRworthy. It's time Nero for you to let some of the past go. It's difficult, but you have to. You can't go back and fix the past, it's history, but you do have the present, for it is a gift. The future is still a mystery and one that will reveal itself in due time.

Please take care of yourself. You are wiser and stronger than you think.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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