I went back in and spoke with her twice yesterday & hope we have worked thru this. I was scrambling to keep her working. I know she has influenced L's decision to leave. It was as she was leaving last night that she mentioned she won't be back in again until I have left so I won't be able to talk to her again. She did promise to keep things running smoothly while I am away.
I have never understood how someone can tell you how much they like you then in the next moment tell you how much they don't like you then turn around & hug you & let you know they could be your friend.
I had similar scenes with my ex when we were married & soon after. Very confusing to say the least!
Barb, I do like what BF posted about your situation. Again, I'm sorry all of this took place, but at least you are now aware of what some of the issues were/are going on.
I'm glad you spoke to J about the situation. Do you think that L will return at some point? I hope so as you do like both young ladies and Ryan does too.
I don't understand the behavior either. But, in some cases, it is a way to manipulate the other person by keeping them off guard. Then again, this may be her way of getting your attention and having you validate how you feel about her. Stop and think about it, look at all she has told you about L and basically put L in a bad light w/you. I suspect that there may have been some jealousy in the mix. Whatever the reason, I would suggest you dig a bit deeper and find out what is allowable when it comes to asking them to do things for you so that you don't have another episode like this down the road.
I do hope that everything will go smoothly while you are away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Aww, Barb, wow. Let me just say that I think in our world, it is very easy to admit others into the family, give them power you would Ashley or Brandon, and make allowances for them as such. I've had some experiences that lump into this category, though not yours.
D17 had a long time sitter who became my other daughter. She was and is awesome. She was her para in elementary school. It only became a problem years later, as my D20 became very close to her as well and she literally became the big sister. At that point, D17 quit responding to her as a caregiver and lumped her into the sister category - which created all sorts of behavioral issues.
Since then, I've really had to remember that they are employees of the family. You have also been a business owner, so I know you know how to categorize as such. Yes, they are trusted employees - because we know that nobody remotely untrustworthy is ever gonna be allowed to get close to Ryan.
My thoughts about L. You are her employer and the texts and odd behaviors are completely unprofessional. You bring her on trips to do a job. She's not Ashley, and you shouldn't have to hunt her a$$ down on the job. Ever. I know how hard it is to find capable people, Barb. I really do. But the barn door opened and the animals have left. I think it's time to find new caregivers and keep things strictly professional from here on out.
Believe me, this is a reminder to me as well. I'm going to be interviewing new caregivers for after school for March and beyond. I truly need to keep wearing my "employer" hat home.
After all, if you still owned your dance school or travel agency, would you ever put up with this crap? I can't see that. You're compassionate, but also practical and have a business mind.
BTW, if you do add shopping to the list of things you occasionally need done, put it in writing. It's a periodic job requirement to take Ryan out and shop with him, right? If they don't agree to what you need in a caregiver, then you have something specific to work with.
This is drama that you just don't need. Ever.
So, can Ashley go ahead of you to Florida? Catch up with her when you have things sorted out to your liking? I wish you were here. I'd help you.
If you truly are in a position where you need to keep either J or L, I'd include the agency and draw up expectations for a "performance review". No, they don't get to critique your performance because THEY are getting paid to do a job. If they are unwilling to perform duties you need, then let that be their decision to resign...
Hugs and good luck- Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Ack barb! I totally get the rural area thing. I'm actually in a very busy city so there are tons of resources but I understand how challenging it would be when you live in a smaller community. If you find someone who is good to your son, of course you would be scared to lose them because you never know whether the next person will be the same.
Are your caregivers licensed? I think healthcare is a little different from province to province. If they are, they may have a code of ethics they should be adhering to.. Or have some description on their scope of practice... This would just give you an idea of what to reasonable expect from them. I suggested the softer, gentler approach not because I think you're in the wrong (if I were in your situation I would be totally upset too!) but because in a rural setting, your choices for caregivers probably aren't as diverse and hence you want to keep a good working relationship if possible.
Yes.. L was being irresponsible going out at night. If it affected her work then you should have a word with her. If she was just keeping J up.. Then it might be more appropriate to be mediator with both J and L present rather than you having to deal with it yourself.
Do you employee these girls personally? Or do you pay the agency? If it's the agency than the agency is responsible for ensuring these girls behave in a professional manner. Uh yuck. I know it must be the last thing you want to be dealing with.
I wish I could offer up some magical solution.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I'm so glad I can still come here and get perspective. Your input is so valuable to me when this is a tough thing to share and I have to be careful who I say it to. THANK YOU!!! To each of you. I will respond more thoroughly tomorrow.
Today the Staff Supervisor at our agency was on holidays. I really needed to sort some things out before I leave. I got an email this morning that the agency could not bridge the half hour in the mornings I needed between my overnight girl I have coming here while Ashley is away. She has to leave for work by 7:30 and J does not start until 8. Normally J is very accommodating but she was refusing to have her hours altered and would not come in early. This left a huge hole in our schedule. Being short staffed - we did not know how to fix this. The agency had left it open. This needed to be resolved. I was so upset about this by lunchtime - trying to figure out who I could ask to come over. We don't have a lot of close friends or neighbours here. Josh and I went out for lunch and he offered to stay up next week to be here. That would solve one problem but then my overnight girl would lose her work. I thought I could pay her some consolation for it. But I would still have the problem the following week. Then I got an email from the Clinical Supervisor. She let me know they were training a new worker starting on Tuesday to relieve the burden of too many hours for the workers. This is a good solution to one problem. I spoke with her about the second problem (the early mornings and a couple of extra evening hours next week as well). She contacted the office staff and explained that I needed this resolved ASAP. Then I got an email that they had hired another PSW to come in each morning and for the extra evening shifts. That solves the problem. The nice thing here is that this new person is willing to do this on other occasions as well. BONUS!!! It is so hard for Josh and I to get out in the evenings on occasion or for me to stay a bit later than 8 at one of my charity meetings. So this part has ended well. J still worries me. I just creeped her FaceBook and her profile pic is of her and Ryan! (I believe she needs permission to do that - I'm not happy about it). And there are other things. But she IS a good worker. I'm going to spell out my expectations with the agency and have them do a review with the workers. I will write more tomorrow. Thanks for the great suggestions.
Job: I think there has always been some jealousy of L with J. L always behaved in the most professional manner until the recent trip to Disney. And it was almost like J had been waiting for her to make a mistake. And she pointed it out to me and also reported it to the agency. But then she told me if L quit - she would also quit! I'm just not sure what it is all about.
I'm not sleeping well. I'm stewing about it and worrying. Josh and I talk about it and he is just as confused by her sudden erratic behaviour as much as I am. She kind of went on to him about how there was too much recycle this week (We had a lot but Josh had put it all out). And that she can't change lightbulbs now (they always did it before but had never told us when one burned out). So - I'm getting from that - that the agency recently went over "the rules" and they realized that they were doing more than they are supposed to. But J has always gone ahead and done things above and beyond. And I guess I always worried about it. But also appreciated it.
Still confused but now that we are adding a couple new workers to the mix - we might have some backup in case the worst happens and she quits.
BF: The workers are PSWs which are not really licensed but do work with fairly strong standards at the agency we employ. The agency provides and trains the staff and arrange their schedules. They deal with the "stuff" but this stuff is hard to explain. L always held the agency in high regard. But I know J has convinced her that they are not so great. Now I'm afraid she is passing that mentality on to the new workers as well.
J has never followed the rules and has always sort of "tested" me to see if I would tell. I didn't do it because we always have a shortage of workers and she was so helpful and so good with Ryan.
I'm tempted to let the agency know I have some concerns and that they might consider looking for someone new "in case" but not tell them the specifics as it would probably cause immediate dismissal while I am away.
I knew you would really "get this" because you live with it too. And good workers are hard to find. But I have always known that Familiarity Breeds Contempt. And if my workers could just do their job and go home - we would not have the problem we do. J is the type of person who needs to get familiar with the other workers. She arranges "Play Dates" with them when she is with another client that Ryan likes and then they have time to gossip and diss the agency and probably me. She also texts the others and it was this chatting between them that has caused the dissension.
I really need to nip this in the bud but the timing is just terrible. I will have a talk with the agency on Tuesday (travelling on Monday) and let them in on some of my concerns. But I am going to have to do what is best for Ryan and for myself and keep her on until I get back unless she quits and then we will have to deal with it.
I keep playing Wed over and over in my mind and none of it makes any sense. Nor does L leaving. It was all over me asking for a text each day to see how Ryan is doing.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're once again going through these types of issues. There was a lot to sort through in these posts -- so I will give you my feedback on it.
It's difficult to say what set this off -- but it is clear that while J might have offered and seemed willing to go above and beyond -- at some point in time -- she started to resent it... apparently A LOT!
I agree with the others who have suggested that if anyone offers to do something/anything that is beyond what specifically fits into their caretaking job description -- you should say NO.
I well understand wanting to accept their offers b/c it makes your life easier -- but what starts out as a kindness and favor -- snowballs into many such requests and that clearly became something they resented.
And allowing them to do this blurs the line between their job -- and a friendly gesture -- and b/c of the imbalance of power -- they probably feel as if they really can't say no to anything you, their employer, request them to do.
You don't make clear why J was at Walmart with Ryan on Christmas Eve. So I don't know what she was there for -- but the fact that she later claimed -- that from her perspective -- you had made her do your stocking stuffers for you -- makes it clear she felt your request, small as it was -- was a PITA for her and not her job.
Her comment about not being a "slave" was significant. And IMO it is not their job to get snow tires put on the van. So it just sounds as if there's slowly been a blurring of sort of "family" and "friend" type errands and favors -- mixed in with their professional duties -- and J and perhaps L too -- now see it as too much and too often.
And while you may feel you make it up to them in many ways and with many reciprocal kindnesses -- somehow in their minds it is not equating that way.
Believe me, I learned this one the hard way. It is shocking how much you can do for someone who works for you -- yet in their mind -- it barely counts!
I have no idea why the recyclables bothered her so much -- just not getting that at all???
And I agree with the others that what L did on her own time was her business unless it interfered with her care of Ryan. If J's sleep was being impacted -- perhaps J should have been the one to deal with L on her own. But I'm not quite understanding how L leaving the room impacted J's sleep? Now whether it was smart or safe for L to be doing it is another matter.
I'm not sure what dynamic is going on between L and J. But rivalry isn't unusual -- but that J would leave if L does is odd.
As to L's use of her cell when she's taking care of Ryan -- NO WAY!
And I don't understand at all why both L and J are refusing such a reasonable and normal request to be texted about Ryan once a day???
Glad to hear that the agency is on this -- and really working to get you more people to cover and help out.
And BTW ... JOSH! What a treasure he is! Just a wonderful, loving, kind dear man -- who truly demonstrates how deeply he loves you and your family by action!
You are very blessed to have found each other!
I think you may need to put this into God's hands and let both L and J leave -- if that is how it plays out. Perhaps the air is now cleared and the situation can be restored -- but if not, trust it will still work out.
For while L and J are wonderful with Ryan -- from what you've written here -- there is something off about both of them that concerns me.
You know I always tell you to have faith and trust...and once again you must.
I know you are divinely protected -- as is precious Ryan. And the agency sounds like they are on top of this and will make this work for you.
I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong and in faith.
I LOVE your post. It is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Mea culpa. I definitely took them up on their kindnesses & went too far. They did make my life easier but it's nice to see it from a different angle. That will stop! I will be away from today on for 3 months so it may be less stressful for everyone & hopefully L's absence will give her time to reflect & work out her issues. She continues to go to school to become a nurse so she must know that the ohone is NOT ok on the job!
I thought about it last night & reached the same conclusion as you wrote. Let it play out. If they quit, they quit. I want the agency to "feel" the uncertainty so they can think of a backup plan but at the same time - I have to stop letting this eat at me. My blood pressure is quite high right now - that's not good.
At the end of the "blowup" day - J did assure me that she would do her shifts every day & keep things good for Ryan (& I believe she will). Only if I say too much to the agency will things erupt. Maybe I just have to forget what was said to me that was very hurtful & let it go. The agency shift coordinator told me she is a DUCK - lets everything roll right off of her. I wish I was a DUCK! But I'm a SPONGE - I soak in everything everyone says & does then I get HOT and everything starts to fester & gets worse. I must stop doing this. Stop worrying!
But on to Florida. When I am there - I truly let loose (not in a bad way) & let the agency handle Ryan. I need to get back there & out of this crap & crappy weather.
