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HPoirot Offline OP
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Jan... I can say this... no matter how I feel day to day, I've given myself 6 months to get better. At that time, July 1, I will look at my W. If she looks better, I may give it another 6 months and make occasions to connect and become friends with her again. If not, I'll continue to keep her out of my life. Either way, I will not file.

The D will help you financially... but I believe it will not help you feel better. The point is to detach. I have an IC now and the first thing I told her is I want to detach from my W. That is the mission. GAL is the way to get it done. I, like you, am having serious trouble with that. I have a lot of my own issues to get over there. I have had ZERO life of my own for years. I'm not looking forward to getting out, meeting new people, listening to their small talk, everything that goes along with that. My R made it safe for me to get lazy there and now I am paying for it. We both got to get over it.

I imagine you're very attractive just like me... so as soon as we feel comfortable in the world again, we will attract wonderful women to us. And we will have wonderful new problems... sweeter and happier and more loving problems... and all this cr*p now will be a memory. So let's just relax as much as we can now... remember to have pride in ourselves... and our Ws and their mess will simply slip right off us.

See, writing the above made me feel better. Try to write more positives... act more positive even if you're faking it. I know it helps me when I do it.

I'll just keep going with you.

I promise.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/25/14 10:04 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
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Thanks HP

I needed to hear that. Yes, I have many issues but who doesn't right? One of my goals is going to be to not think about my WS for an entire hour, then two hours, then three hours, until I can reach a day. Then hopefully I can do that more and more so I can DETACH...let her go...and give me a chance to heal.

I too have had zero life, my life was devoted to my WAW and my kids and I thought that was what a loyal spouse did. Boy am I paying the price for that now. zero friends on my own, zero abilities in cooking, zero interest in other people and their lives. You chalk it up to lazy? Hmmm... I will mull that over. Maybe you are right. I chalked it up to devotion, I can now see that lazy sounds a bit more realistic. Devotion was my own fantasy that I was projecting. Fantasy.

I pray that 2015 will be a better year for both of us. Our kids deserve the best we can give them, and the stability I know we can provide for them.

I will act more positively even though I don't feel like it. I did download the positive affirmation app like you suggested, I listen to it every day and at night. It's interesting, don't know if I am getting any more confidence yet, but it's worth a try.

Thanks for holding onto this with me.

JAN


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Journaling...

Christmas 2014 is my first day of pitch black LRT with my wayward W.

I did not talk to or send her a text her today. I ignored a FB friend request from her today. I ignored her "Merry Christmas HP" text and all other texts from her today.

My son, amazingly, did not see his mom today. We were scheduled to split his time today. The change was hers. S11 and I had a great day and evening.

Now she texts and asks, on her days left with S11 this month, that she only keeps him for a few hours during the day and, at night, drops him back here with me b/c, she says, he has nothing to do there with her and she's packing up the house.

I'm may respond with "Please keep him on your nights thanks." I need to start GAL again. Or maybe I find GAL to do with S11 in the evenings b/c S11 may not want to stay with her too much.

Tonight she did not text him a good night message and it is 11:30 PM on Christmas. After I tucked him in and said our prayer for our many blessings and for his mom... I asked him if he wanted to text his mom good night. He said no. He said he is sad and upset that she didn't come to see him today. I told him how sorry I feel about that, that his mom loves him and we love her, and that his mom would want to know how he feels.

She did, though, send me a text this evening thanking me for making Christmas special for S11. She really appreciates it and all I do for our son. I said "So what?" to myself.

Don't be surprised or outraged by what she does or says.

Let it go.

Let her go.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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Personally I would insist she keep him on her nights because adult GAL is important to your healing too. If your S pushes back tell him that his relationship with his mom is important regardless of what's going on in the marriage and that you want to help him protect that. If there's "not enough for him to do" as has been the case for my kids at my H's place, encourage him to think of a few things he can carry with him over there that he finds interesting.

You've been amazing. I wish I'd been more like this in the earlier days of my troubles. Happy New Year, Poirot.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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I'm not exactly clearing your personal circumstances, but I don't understand why the schedules have to be so complicated. In my case, the kids alternate weeks (7 days, switching on Friday) so they get almost perfect balance between us and our negotiations are minimal. Also changes to the schedule stand out like a sore thumb.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Thank you Maybell and Mozza. It's very kind of you to say I've been amazing Maybell. I hope all this comes to a good end between me and my W b/c I certainly feel like I've taken a hard road. And yes I will insist S11 stays with her. He does take his games and is fine. Whatever her reasons for not wanting S11 to stay with her, she has to do her best. And Mozza, our schedule is simple and she made it. She keeps changing it, though, citing her not being prepared for difficulties (not having a car, no money, nothing for S11 to do with her).

....

This monring S11 and I did great GAL. We went for a hike in the woods. It was lovely and he ended up having a great time. There is a historic old house on the trail where many cats live. He loves cats and one of them, a beautiful black cat, followed us for a while. He now wants to come back often to visit the cats. Then we had a wonderful breakfast at a nearby diner. A new place for both of us and the food was excellent and cheap. It's right on the river too... so we went for a nice walk after. Later today we'll go to the movies and try the remote controlled drone I got him for Christmas. Feeling great about all that.

Did better handing trouble with W this morning too. S11 let W know yesterday he wanted to spend today with me. She wanted to pick up earlier like noon. S11 told her later like 4pm. My mistake here was not sending her a text then letting her know I preferred 4pm.

This morning, then, W calls me at 7:30. I do not answer. She sends text asking me to call about S11's pickup. I text her back after a bit... "4pm pickup. Keep S11 your nights." Then we leave for our hike.

She then starts texting and calling a lot while we're hiking. When we meet the cats, I look at my phone. She sent texts asking if she could pick S11 up earlier and if I mean I would keep S11 on her nights. So I was not clear in my communications. She then had sent a text saying she's driving over to the condo now to talk b/c I won't answer my phone.

I then wisely send her a sweet photo of S11 stroking the cat and texting we're on a walk. She calls again a little later and I ignore it. She sends a text saying "pick him up at noon." I send her a text saying... "We have movie plans. 4pm works better."

On the way back, I give my phone to S11 and ask him to call his mom. He does and joyfully tells her all about our hike and the cats. She must have then asked to speak with me b/c S11 says... "You can't speak with dad." He says that a few times then hands me the phone.

She sounds sad and apologetic. She says something about getting worried when I don't answer the phone. I am businesslike. I calmly say we have movie plans, 4 pm would be better pick-up time, that S11 should stay with her on her nights. I say, when s11 is with her, I don't call b/c I know she is a good mom and everything is OK. I would appreciate the same treatment. She said OK. I then went to cut off the call and she said she wanted to say one more thing. I listened. She said she left some very nasty VMs that of course she didn't mean and she acted horribly and was deeply embarrassed. I said I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and delete her voice mails. Dismissed her and hung up. Went to breakfast. Had a wonderful time. Did slip and mention to S11 that I love his mom but don't like her very much right now.

When we got back, slipped again and I listened to her multiple voice mails. They were horrible. She threatened a lawyer to help us figure out these scheduling issues. She screamed the doorman better let her up to the condo. She screamed she would call the police if I didn't see her. Again screaming about being an adult and answering the phone. Screaming that it was ridiculous that she has to call S11 to reach a grown man. She cursed me repeatedly... called me a mother-f*cker. Worse, said, whatever she thought in her heart about going to MC to work it out, it would never work b/c I'm an avoider. She screamed on and on about how I'm an avoider cursing me the whole time.

In her last VM, she was crying. She thanked me for sending the picture and said she was sorry for her messages but she gets extremely anxious when we don't let her know everything's OK. That not even S11 will answer his phone (he didn't have it with him). She said she didn't mean what she said and the texting was too much and please would I talk to her and it would be hard to get him around soon b/c she won't have a car and will be living with her aunts in January.

I sent her a text... "got your voice mails."

She replied. "Horrible behavior. Deeply embarrassed."

The VMs and her cursing me did hurt me but I did get over that very quickly. Did much better there.

I see I'll just have to text her sooner on my clear preferences. I see I'll have to expect her to scream and curse at me now.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/26/14 04:08 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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Posts: 1,428
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HP:

She is in a wacky place, that's for sure. I'm not a vet, but there is something that is antagonistic in your communication with her. You are not treating her like a friendly co-worker. You are not treating her like a neighbor.

When my H and I communicate about our D's schedule, I almost always start off with, "Hi H."

I think you are pushing her buttons. What might happen if you said, 'S11 and I are having a great time today, and have plans this afternoon. We agreed that you'd pick up S11 at 4 pm, and I'd like to stick to that. I am busy so I can't reply more at the moment."

Then, after she picks him up, you could craft an email to address the request that you take S11 on her nights. You can reply politely, without sounding obnoxious or apologetic.

What I've tried with my H is validating, but holding firm to my needs. Something like, 'I can understand that it is tough to pack up the house and entertain S11. And I need my space and time, too. I'm sorry I can't accomodate you."

The angry, curt texts in the moment always seem to escalate things. I'm sure it's scary for your S11 to be stuck in the middle-- mom asking to talk to dad; dad refusing; S11 having to tell mom that dad refuses to talk to her. That is a terrible position to put him in, don't you think?

Take some deep breaths, find your focus. You can do this.


Me 38 H 40
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Getting ready for the rest of my day with S11.

One thing about the avoider comment from W... It is true that I dismissed her or got defensive in our R talks over the years. I did not fight with her or cause her to scream at me like have done now. I would prefer to handle difficulties on my own rather than get her involved b/c I didn't like to deal with her emotions. So what she said is true... I did avoid conflict in our R.

I don't know if there's anything I can do about that now in LRT. She keeps bashing on me to answer her calls and texts immediately. Keeps saying I'm not acting like and adult and other negative things which she feels resentment towards me on. I do feel like I'm letting her know what she needs to know... just on my schedule and in my way. If that's the way to do this to make my goal possible like I believe it is... then I'll keep doing what I feel is right for me and S11 and frustrating her like this. If I need to make myself more clear about communications by sending advina's script on that... then I will do so.

But, looking ant Wonka's LRT to do list, just being courteous and brief... answering in a few minutes important S11 questions would be the right thing to do. She's going to find reasons to do what she just did. Sometimes she'll thank me for being a great dad... other times she'll freak b/c no one answers her calls and the thought that we are fine and happy without her maybe hurts her. Oops mind reading.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/26/14 04:31 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
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HP- just a practical suggestion. Since no one can know what will happen in your situation - you are keeping these VMs and texts, aren't you? I would also keep a log of the times she tries you to call you , if your phone doesn't keep this for you.

You never know if some of this info could be helpful down the line.

Glad to hear you enjoying time with your son.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Thank you Claire for not giving up on me and holding me accountable. I do see your point... I can be more friendly neighborish with W. I am sending messages like she does when she is not being nice. I can always be polite and be the lighthouse. I did get S11 in the middle again by handling him my phone. I can be cordial with my W. You are right Claire.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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