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Yes, of course I agree with Wonka. Do what you feel is best. I offered a radical alternative because sometimes a moment like this is a chance to survive something you never thought you could.

H and I hosted a birthday party for our D just about 10 weeks after he walked out on me. His parents, cousins, tons of people there. I had a lot of anxiety about it, but decided to look at it as a chance to show myself, my D and my WAH that I was stronger than anyone ever thought I was.

Getting through that day so successfully was a huge boost to my confidence. I was so scared to do it, but I'm glad I went through with it.

Wishing you peace and health on this holiday and in the new year.


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Thank you so much claire, wonka, and rppfl. I appreciate your comments. S11 will be back here with me tonight, so maybe I will drive by her house with S11 so he can drop off a gift for her tomorrow. I don't have one yet for her so we'll see. He wanted to get her a bath shower set so maybe something will be open tomorrow. If we do go, I'll just say hello if she says hello. We are so broken.

I was just reading Peter_v2's sitch from the beginning. He sure went through a lot for a long time. W in love with another man and going back to him a couple times at least. Terrible arguments. Living apart. I have a lot of that in my sitch... except I'm not spending time with my W at this point where Peter did through their business.

Still, Peter went for a year of very difficult days. Sent D in motion at the beginning. I do believe my W did take a break from her A for a week due to her behavior and her not going out like his seemed to. Some similarities. Some ways my sitch could evolve from here in the next few months.

I'm not going to hope for that or expect anything. Right now as I'm sitting here I'm still feeling a lot of pain. Real physical low throbbing pain in my skull.

I'm thankful, though, that S11 will be here with me tomorrow all day. But, my W is really giving up Christmas time with S11? After all that crying about us doing it together? She did Christmas with him tonight then.

This is straight insanity. It's stuff like that... like her saying she would let me and him move to Florida while she lives elsewhere... that scares me. She is way way gone from the person I know... or the person she's been pretending to be for so long.

So yes I was looking at Peter's thread for some way my sitch can turn positive. Months to go.

Keep going.


Me: 44
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Married: 15
Together: 18
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Yes, tomorrow, next month aren't going to be like today. It's probably human nature to forget it but look at how much your life has changed in the last month, the last four months.

I say this to you because I need to say it to myself. But let's not forget it.


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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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You're a good and positive man Mozza. Yes my life has certainly changed and I'm sure all this will be good for me one day. But tonight I don't see hope for my W.

It's not just that I don't like her right now (I just saw her looking tired and miserable fake happiness and was able to just say hello and look at her eyes for 30 seconds), but she has shown herself to be capable of serious cruelty and infantile craziness. I seriously would have never imagined her acting like this.

I'm not at all sure I want this person back in my bed and future right now. I can do endlessly better than the person she is now. Once I really get past the hurt of the betrayal and humiliation she's trying to heap on me daily... once I'm really thinking clearly... then we'll see if this goes past 6 months.

I am inspired by Peter's sitch and other's here. It seems, though, those Hs held on to some love for their W even in the tough parts. But for me... my W, she's not beautiful right now. Not to me at least right now. Not at all attractive right now. I've seen sides of her I do not want to see ever again. Not sure it's worth the risk to work with her now. She looks bad. She behaves worse. Her fake smiles and forced crying are ugly.

Hmm... just writing that makes the pain go away a little. Maybe I'll start making lists of all the things I didn't and now really don't like about my W. To remember why I imagined a life away from her. Why she's not in my dreams. What I found irritating about her on a daily basis. I know I can be better and I will get better. But will she? She asked me last night... "Why would you want me?" Why would I want you?

Good question.


Me: 44
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S: 11
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HP! Sorry you are having a really tough time right now. A few things:

1. Yay! Let's go have a drink and talk about crazy WAS
2. don't beat yourself up about your emotional R talk, we've all been there. Just keep going forward. Wonka's advice for steps is perfect.
3. As you know by now, don't listen to what your W says about being DONE, OVER etc. Whatever! Don't listen at all.
4. Do listen a bit to the part where she says you aren't validating her feelings. Don't worry about it now, just file it away for the future in case she starts to act like a normal human and you can actually have a normal interaction with her.
5. you are so amazing HP, you are doing so well. Go back to focusing on your son, you and your goals and dreams that have nothing to do with W. Let her make crazy all by herself.

Oh HP I feel your pain and struggle and I understand. It will get better the more you can take the focus off of her. I know it is so hard.

Listen, she says it is over.. don't listen to her but I say if she wants it to be over, let her experience what that is like. Go read Wonka's list and start applying those things. Detach. Don't engage in her bs. Don't try to make things right or manipulate her. Let her swing in the wind by herself. I've recently done this in my situation and it has been SO HELPFUL!!!!!!

I think it also might help you to read some stories from the MLC area. I don't know if your W is having anything like an MLC but she is acting so crazy. I think the stories there might help you because those poor LBS folks have to put up with a lot of crazy behaviors and crazy emotional talk from the MLCers. Whoa. Talk about patience!

Good luck and I hope your Christmas with your son is beautiful and full of love. You deserve it HP! You are really great and your wife is a big fool.

Hugs, Lisa

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Thank you so much for your post LisaB. You're right about not listening to her. She does say things immediately to lash out in defense and then hasn't followed through on any of them. I'm the only one who follows through here. She even had the nerve to text and ask me if I had bought gifts for S11 yesterday. I answered "Seriously?" She is really not thinking and saying whatever pops into her head. I will act as if it doesn't matter.

...

S11 is having a great Christmas he says. He said he was worried how it would turn out but he got his presents so he's good. W did open presents with him last night. Today he got presents from me. He's having a great time showing me his games. We'll go out for brunch later. We're fine.

W did contact me today... my paycheck was deposited to our joint account. She texted me at 7am to let me know. I know she checks our bank account everyday by habit. Showing trustworthiness by telling me the money was there without taking any like she has before. Good, b/c I wasn't expecting the money until tomorrow. I moved it all to my private account. It is so sad that I'm looking at my W like she's a thief.

Also, she sent me an FB friend request this morning around the time S11 called her to tell her about the great gifts a gave him... including the latest expensive laptop he wanted. She un-friended me after I told her I knew about her PA, lies, stealing, and when I told her FB shows her location on the post when she posts to FB from OM house. I'm not accepting her request to be friends for the moment. She may rescind it like she did the last friend request immediately after she un-friended me. So what? I don't think I'll accept it.

I won't see her today. Saw her last night and it was not cheery. Maybe just barely polite from me. She cheerly said "Hello HP" for S11. I was businesslike. I'll get better at it.

Wow it's already been almost 3 months since BD. Most of the first 2 I was really in denial land about the depths of her A and trying to nice her back into our M. Thought I would live with her for 6 months next year and we would reconnect in that time. Never would have imagined how it turned out so far. Lose the expectations is right.

For now... My son is happy. I can make a peaceful space for myself today. The sun is out. I have 2 beers left in the fridge. S11 brought home S'mores Pop Tarts to eat. All things to feel wonderful about right now.

I really hope you find something to feel wonderful about today too.

Merry Christmas all.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/25/14 04:03 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
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HP: Glad to hear you and S11 are having a happy Christmas. You said you were going pitch black dark. I would imagine, then, it's a no-brainer to ignore a FB friend request! Hit the "ignore" button on that one, and don't think about it for another second. Seriously. She is still invading all your thoughts.

The question about gifts could have been responded to with a simple, "yes." Detachment means that crazy questions like that *Don't bug you*.

Look back at this last post. What percentage of it is about your W? You need to lower that percentage, especially if you mean to carry through with the pitch black NC. You can do it. You are staying on her roller coaster...but you don't have to.

Enjoy the rest of your day with S11.


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Merry Christmas HP

My WAW came over at 9AM with some presents for kids. She went to the bathroom and like a fool I checked her texts. Full of
I love you, I miss you, Merry Christmas, How did you sleep...." and photos from her AP's kids etc... It made me sick to my stomach. Why do I torture myself with thinking about her and her drama? I am so done with this. I don't want to think about her at all.

My WAW came out of the bathroom and left in a about five minutes. So now I have my two beautiful kids with me, and I made bacon and biscuits. I am trying very hard to not crawl back in bed and sob.

Merry Christmas and pity party to me.


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Thank you Claire and Jan. Claire of course you're right. I haven't yet focused enough on myself and my enjoyment and I need to. I can find something for me to really enjoy in this city. I choose to find joy here b/c I deserve joy and my son deserves a happy and secure dad and that's the reality.

Jan I understand and I really really feel your pain. Honestly I think about filing D too. In your case it's financially tough so I can see that aspect. Is there something you can do to make that better without filing?

In any case, we're both focusing on our W's and it's wrong. We both know it's wrong and we're getting better and while we're getting better the pain is too much to bear. I am dying right now for a pill that will help me feel better. These moments pass if we let them or make them.

There's so much sorrow on this board. Take a break from here for a while. Go for a walk. Rake leaves like you said. I'm right with you feeling like this will never end while knowing that it will.

I'm sorry Jan. You know everything now about AP, so don't snoop b/c you will just hurt yourself. Start being busy so you spend less time with your W. When your W comes over, make yourself scarce by being busy. You'll see your W start to follow you around when you do this. It happened to me. Then maybe you can interact in a businesslike and brief way b/c you are in control. Just know it won't make your W like you. Don't expect or even want that like I did. Success in those interactions are you seeing yourself acting how you want to act. It's for you to feel better about yourself.

This [censored]. The sooner we do things for ourselves the better.


Me: 44
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S: 11
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Thanks HP

I really appreciate you responding to me. I will work on it.

My plan is to get the divorce paperwork ready and then file it when I ready (at a later date). The pain and humiliation of m WAW with another is too great to bear. I know you feel this way too.

I will hold on for a little while longer if you do too. Promise?

JAN


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