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HP,

I get that this is very painful...especially with Christmas festivities.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
I see she's already texting me logistical questions about S11 like business as usual. I don't respond. That is so strange to me... that someone could be so hurtful one moment and then follow up with business texts like nothing happened. I know not to be surprised or offended but still.


You cannot afford to ignore texts that pertain to logistics relating to S11 because it will most certainly elicit a very angry stream of texts from W. Remember this is a pattern that has happened over and over when you are being petulant in ignoring them. Break it, dude. I'd suggest that you do communicate to W on logistics in a business like manner. You CAN do this.

Do you have plans tonight and tomorrow?



Last edited by Wonka; 12/24/14 09:33 PM.
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Hang in there HP,

The holidays can be emotional. You'll make it.


Me: 35
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D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
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Separated: 5/25/2014
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Well this was day #11. I feel stress and twitching around my eyes. A bit of a headache. I'm not fighting it, though.

Today, though very hard, could have still been a good day somehow. I'm in the thick of the forest so I likely can't see how. I'm working on faith now.

In my life, I've been very lucky. Good things have come my way completely out of the blue. So I got complacent... sleep walking through my life for many years. Now I'm fully awake. Yes it's extremely painful... but so much good has happened so far. So, I'm believing something good happened b/c of my experience today. If not for me... then for someone else.

Done right... this sitch is likely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

...

Now, something else has changed. S11 wants to spend the entire Christmas day with me here in the condo. I wish it was just me... maybe it is... but his HDTV and game system is here too so there you go. W, then, will apparently not see him on Christmas. She's given up her Christmas with her son.

DB coach Chuck suggested I do Christmas with my wife and S11. I didn't think I could do that then... and after the last 24 hours even less so.

But what if I did? I cringe thinking it... but what if I invited her here for the morning? My W in her A she won't give up?

I saw on NAJ's thread her W invited her to celebrate for the kids. Making it work. Good feelings. Why not?

I'm cringing even more. Why would I do this? My W is having an A.

I had an A. I know the loneliness that caused it. I told lies for it. Rationalized it. Felt joy from it. Still fondly remember it. I've even started talking with my OW again.

Am I really considering this?

I can't do this.

Oh God should I do this?

I can't do this.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/24/14 09:58 PM.

Me: 44
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HP

are you really talking to OW again? Does it bring you happiness or is it just distraction from your pain?

My WAW may spend some time with me and our kids on Christmas day. I am not sure how I feel about it but will muscle through it for the sake of our beautiful children. Gah!

My WAW invited me to spend New years Day at the Rose Bowl becuase "she scored some good tickets". Again, it's only or the kids that I am going to do this.

I too am hurting like you are HP - I really really am and hate every minute of this.

Merry Christmas my friend.

NAJ


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HP,

Always do the right thing by S11. However, perhaps go to W's house so you can make an exit in, say, 2 hours. It doesn't have to be an all day event.

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"Always do the right thing by S11"

^^^^^ THIS. This needs to be what guides you.

Can you be strong enough to put your hurt aside for his sake?? To show him that he does not need to be in the middle? That even though his parents have split up and hurt each other, they can still rise above it and put on a brave face to give him some happy holiday memories? What message would it send to your wife if you could do that?


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Thank you NAJ and Wonka. I'm not sure if W is bringing S11 back here tonight. She might have him sleep there tonight. I'm just so tired now.

And we are so broken. To think that when BD happened, I loved my W. Yes things we're not great... I saw she was upset with taxes and money and we weren't connecting and it was not a fun sexy time... but I had no doubts about my W. We were a team living a life and we were going to keep going. The person I was then was totally blindsided.

Now in hindsight I can clearly see signs of this horrible sitch months even years ago. I'm feeling that pain now. My moods swing badly still. I'll get up and do "as if" happy exercises. See... I just forced a smile and feel a little better. It's going to be January 30th when I can see a doctor for antidepressants so I'll be forcing smiles for a while.

I know now I'm fighting for the rest of my life... to not be defeated by all this. To live a better life as a better man. To really give up on my M and my R with my W. To stop caring what my W thinks of me. To design and live a warm, happy, simple life for me... not one I think she would want.

I know Wonka your to-do list is my best hope there... but it will take a lot of time. More than a year. And I'm to do it dealing with my W everyday. A real test of patience and stamina.

I've pushed my W and made her even more angry with me. She's never been this openly heartless to me and she started with no problem doing it from the BD. She's had years then to get like this towards me. I'm still catching up.

Before all this happened, I had a vision statement that I would read every morning after my run. It was the day I bought my W her dream house. S11 would run ahead of me and my W. My W would hold my hand. She would look at me. She looked at me with pride with tears in her eyes. I read and dreamed that vision everyday for months.

After BD, my W was crying and saying... "If I never brought up our M problems, you'd be out running right now instead of talking to me!" I ran instead of paying attention to her thinking the whole time I was paying attention to her. She may never know that. Never know about my mom and dad. Never know all the feelings I'm going through right now. I've shared so much with her over the years.

Now part of me would be happy to never see my W again.

I can't do Christmas with her tomorrow.

I don't know how we heal.

So pitch dark LRT.

Focus on healing myself.

Focus on healing S11.

Just keep going.


Me: 44
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S: 11
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Originally Posted By: claire7
"Always do the right thing by S11"

^^^^^ THIS. This needs to be what guides you.

Can you be strong enough to put your hurt aside for his sake?? To show him that he does not need to be in the middle? That even though his parents have split up and hurt each other, they can still rise above it and put on a brave face to give him some happy holiday memories? What message would it send to your wife if you could do that?


HP, my H is still in his A. And we are spending Christmas together, church and dinner, and then opening presents in the morning. I'm not holding that up as an example of how you should do it, but I'm just saying that yes you can set your hurt aside for a few hours and make a good memory for your kid. It's possible.

I really like Wonka's plan that you go to W's. That way you have an exit strategy if it gets to be too much.



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Originally Posted By: claire7
"Always do the right thing by S11"

^^^^^ THIS. This needs to be what guides you.

Can you be strong enough to put your hurt aside for his sake?? To show him that he does not need to be in the middle? That even though his parents have split up and hurt each other, they can still rise above it and put on a brave face to give him some happy holiday memories? What message would it send to your wife if you could do that?


Hello Claire. Thank you for the push. It would be strong to do that... just think of S11 and do Christmas with her. Right now I don't want to Claire. Right now, I can't get past what she's done the past few months. The way she looked at me and smiled at me friendly when I knew nothing. She slept in my bed with me. Gave me hope with promises of MC and seeing where it goes. Leaving me and S11 to spend the night with her "girlfriend."

What would it say if, after all that, after this morning, that I could be strong enough to put that aside just for S11. If I could just do it just for him... not caring about the message to my W.

I can't keep being hurt can I? I can't DB and detach and help my son and one day years from now be attractive to my W or anyone other woman if I keep being hurt.

Another decision.


Me: 44
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S: 11
Married: 15
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BD: 9/29/2014
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I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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HP,

Your feelings are yours to own and you have every perfect right to them.

In my case, I was about 10 going 11 when my stepmother learned of my late father's OW and she initiated separation/D proceedings which were extremely painful for her. It was not too long before Christmas and I could feel the tension in the air a my father W's banned by FIL from setting a foot in their house (my grandparents). So I split Christmas between my parents and I wasn't harmed. Sure, I was sad but enjoyed gifts from both households.

Do what you feel is best for yourself. You've been through an emotional wringer. We will support whichever decision you make here, HP.

Last edited by Wonka; 12/24/14 11:35 PM.
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