Yes, we've had dust-ups and anger and all the stuff that makes us human. On occasion I've had "What the hell was I thinking?" pop-up because it's work to have an adult R. But the good outweighs the bad by far.
The difference now is we work to solve it, not just close our eyes, insert fingers in our ears while repeating loudly "I can't hear you" I try to approach difficult things from a place of love, not anger. It's as simple as letting the anger pass and having the discussion in the context of "this person loves me" as opposed to "what was that all about, a$$hole?" That doesn't mean we don't express anger, just in a different way. TODAY was a great day to catch up on Crimson's thread. Then I came to find this ^^ gem. Thanks...SIGH...
So yeah, Crimson, it's not a linear OR Smooth road, maybe ever? I mean, a part of me likes feeling as if it's too late to start over ONLY in that it feels settled and as if I know that when you make the best of something, you make it good!
But there are times I say, WHY Did I believe everything would be better/different? Was I in denial?
Other times I wonder how the heck other couples in history, stayed together and SEEMED at peace. Were they all lying or did they CHOOSE to be happy? And if it's the latter, which it must have been for some, how'd they Implement that?
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You can't fix her.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think it does, especially if I take care of myself.
The response still appears in my mind, I now know to recognize it for what it is and let it go. I don't let the need to be right take over.
I'm nodding again...damn Bug, you're good! Thanks to you both.
Wish self respect was a different "Color" than pride, so I could tell the difference more easily...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So we had date night last night (Bug if you're ever in PHX go to Taco Guild - delicious - but I digress). My parents kept S overnight and were quite happy to do so. We had MC this morning and it went well...certainly not without it emotional moments but we were able to walk out holding hands which is always a plus. To my surprise, XWGF suggested we both go pick up S. I usually go by myself. It was the first time since summer August of 2011 that we have all been in one place together. It went really well - hugs were exchanged and XFGF walked around their new house (they moved here from Indiana since BD). Progress....big step.
Alright, so I guess I am checking in and throwing a question and looking for advice (nothing is wrong - just finding my way).
So we are 100% moved into the house together again - she got rid of her condo and we have moved her stuff back. In a certain sense (and I say this jokingly) I am also happy to reunite with my couches and chairs....and she even is returning with a new flat screen. That alone almost makes it ALL worth it! (Joking! If I can't laugh at this I will probably just keep crying -- and I do not want that!). We are continuing to learn how to live better lives together and move past our respective hurts from the past. She is till in IC for her childhood trauma - which is good, because the more I learn the more I realize that it played a SERIOUS role in he decline of our marriage.
Sex. That old thing again. We jumped back into the saddle again awhile ago so it is part of the relationship, but it is kind of "mechanical" in the sense that there is really no foreplay or build up per se.....it just kind of happens - usually in the morning before S wakes up for the day and we start moving a million MPH to get out of the house in time for work. Thus far, we don't really kiss. Not like people passionate about one another kiss. It's not me...I want to - but she still has that wall up. Her IC says that a lot of it has to do with the sexual trauma and abuse from her childhood that makes intimate connections difficult. In my single life, I got used to foreplay as part of the process, and my ego kind of takes it hard -- as if there is something wrong with me physically or something. She tells me repeatedly that it is NOT me. Still, initiating sex can be a humbling experience because if I am the one putting it out there - through touching or something - it's more often that not politely declined. If she starts it, I jump on board and feel almost like I have hit the lottery.
Today she texted me at work and said that we should practice kissing. Though I am thrilled by the prospect, I am also somewhat ego-bruised because it sounds like something you have to do with someone that you are repulsed by. And, sadly, in my head I think about the OM she was with for 6 months and wonder if she had to "practice" there too....I doubt it. But I know, I know -- it's a different kind of relationship. She said in her text that it's one of those things where we just need to practice until it feels natural. So tell me....
Is THAT part of the rebuilding process?? I have been off of my ADs for about three months now and my sex drive is kind of off the chart right now...so I know I don't need the practice or to "warm back up" to her.
Today she texted me at work and said that we should practice kissing. Though I am thrilled by the prospect, I am also somewhat ego-bruised because it sounds like something you have to do with someone that you are repulsed by. And, sadly, in my head I think about the OM she was with for 6 months and wonder if she had to "practice" there too....I doubt it. But I know, I know -- it's a different kind of relationship. She said in her text that it's one of those things where we just need to practice until it feels natural. So tell me....
Is THAT part of the rebuilding process?? I have been off of my ADs for about three months now and my sex drive is kind of off the chart right now...so I know I don't need the practice or to "warm back up" to her.
Imo, I think it is normal and a very good sign (look at all the programs and stuff out there to do that)... it's exactly what my stbxw DIDN'T want to do because she didn't believe that those "things" should be "forced", that they should just be easy and natural...
She wants to do the work, including in that area...
Be thankful!!
Last edited by TSquared2; 12/23/1406:38 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Agreed its normal stuff. Read Passionate Marriage by D Schnarch. He talks about doing those things. Also discusses things like hugging until relaxed, eyes-open kissing( you're Probably NOT THERE YET).
Good luck...its inspiring to read your story although I think my outcome will be more like Rick's.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas Crimson!! Glad to see thing are coming together for you.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
That doesn't mean we don't express anger, just in a different way.