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Joined: Apr 2014
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HP,

With all due respect to Wonka..

Texts like you sent don't work. (as her response proved) That isn't Dbusting.

Please stop doing that type of thing. It is only hurting you.
That isn't detachment. It didn't work and hasn't worked. Stop doing what doesn't work.


Justin Credible
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Even more response... "And I am sorry I hurt you whether you believe it or not."

So what.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
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Quote:
Even more response... "And I am sorry I hurt you whether you believe it or not."

So what.


She IS sorry she is hurting you. You aren't listening...
Would you rather her say she isn't sorry you are hurting?

Very few people I know, when breaking up with someone, are not sorry they hurt you. Can't you understand that?

If you start to ever see another woman and then decide she isn't for you, and she is hurt, will you not be sorry that you are hurting her? Will you go back into the relationship if it isn't for you just because you are hurting her...

Please see the reality here and get your emotions under control. She feels pity for you. This is because you are coming across as emotionally weak. And you wonder why she isn't attracted back to you?

Please do a 180 here and get your emotions under control. You said you were going NC for 90 days and all I keep seeing is back and forth texting and relationship talk..

She's sorry. That can be true. It doesn't mean she wants back into the relationship. Texting her things to tell her that if she was truly sorry she wouldn't be doing what she is doing just don't work.. Take it for what it is.... She knows you are hurting and she feels bad for it..


Justin Credible
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HP,

I'm sorry that this is happening. Your W has heard your position and she's talking like a WAW.

After Christmas, you need to go PITCH black dark and in full LRT mode. What this entails is the following:

1) No more talks (like the latest text exchange)
2) No more responding to texts UNLESS it involves S11
3) When you have S11, W must respect your time and not blow up your phone
4) When W has S11, get out of the house and do something for you
5) Join Meet Up groups
6) Put a stop to W using S11's phone to get through to you immediately when she does it
7) Focus on logistics on S11 related matters only
8) Be cordial when responding to W's texts or emails..short and on topic

STFU on any R talks or be roped into one. Use this mantra again to W to nip it in the bud: "You know my stance/position on this matter and I'm not wavering from it at all. If you want a D, you'll need to file as I will not stand in your way."

It's time to crank your GAL activities into high gear after the holidays.

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I want to add to the list:

9) Inform W that she has 30 days to find her own transportation
10) Get all of your financial ducks in a row...make sure all of your money is in your account. No more joint accounts. Time for W to put on her BGP without relying on you as a side benefit.

(((HP)))

You are an honorable man who's loved by all of us here and your S11 & father.

Last edited by Wonka; 12/24/14 04:12 PM.
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" 25 who has been incredible helping me see and admit my failings and my A to my W would tell me to say "so what?" and keep it moving."

Are you sure she said to tell your W "so what"? That does not sound like 25. I would bet she suggested saying it to yourself.

I have to go along with Wonka on tbis issue of her appologies. "I have heard your appologies,W, but I have yet to hear you say you intend to make ammends. Until then, it really feels too little too late".

Of course, you may not want to say anything today. Not responding to her apology says a lot.




It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Not a vet, but IMHO anything you do that involves your WAW taking up any time, space, energy, or room in your head is a step I the wrong direction.

Truth darts, firm boundaries, managing your tone to be friendly or distant, all of it seems designed to try to lead her through her WAW process wih the hopes of getting her to snap out of it and come back. The reason it doesn't work is 1) you can't change someone else, and 2) it keeps you attached to her to the point that you end up stumbling into R talks or arguments. Each day becomes a big battle you have to fight through, trying to do everything exactly right. I get it. I did the same thing. It did nothing positive for me.

The last few months I've been really detached. I don't worry about what she's doing or what she thinks of me. I understand that she will act with criticism, resentment, disdain, etc. I know that I've done things that caused her pain and that out M wasn't a paradise so I feel compassion for get emotions, but I also know im a great man and have no desire to be attached to this person.

As for the R, it is over. I am a single man and making the most of it. I am being a good dad, doing well in my new job, and enjoying my hobbies and friends. Personally I don't believe my WAW is going to ever open a door to me again, and I really don't know that I could ever partner again with the person she's turned out to be. But I don't worry about that anymore than I worry about whether I'd accept a role as a firefighter if Steven Spielberg wanted to cast me in some new blockbuster.

The reality is I'm a single man with a hurt, emotional, and shallow STBX that is dealing with my own issues as I move forward into my new life. Maybe ill have another R that fails. Maybe ill be single forever. Maybe ill build a great M. All way in the future. So ill just enjoy today because its nice out and I'm in a good mood.

Vets may agree or disagree. Good for them. I'm going to have lunch and watch a movie. Merry Christmas all!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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HP,

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're W said such hurtful things, especially this time of the year. Just remember, believe nothing of what you hear an only 50% of what she does. She's talking like a WAW so nothing uncommon there, you know that. You're thread gets a lot of traffic from people who know that they're talking about so keep being that rock and inspiration for all of us. You're doing awesome and I look forward to hearing all about the cool things you and your son are doing. Hope you have a Merry Christmas!


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Joined: Oct 2014
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Hello Wonka. Thank you for your help. Last night and today were very hard again and completely my fault. I admit her texts today hit me very hard and I was in very bad and shaky shape for a while. She did pick up S11 today, so she was texting all that will with my son which added to the blow. I admit I'm having a beer right now to help. I just couldn't sit with the pain right now.

I do see, now that I'm relaxed, that she followed her usual pattern of immediately lashing out hard whenever she's feeling trapped by a hard truth. Then almost immediately backing down and then apologizing. Same thing every time. So your truth dart did land. Difference today was she said our marriage is over. She has never said that. That was very hard to hear from her even though I've been saying that to myself for a while now. Almost as bad as a BD. So yes I'm not detached. I still have a long way to go there.

Now that I see the pattern, though, I see nothing has changed. I pissed her off badly and did pursue with my angry screaming at her last night. That she screamed back shows she's still hurting about all this too. That she called me crying to talk about S11's pain also shows her pain. Now her coldness this morning is also her pattern... whenever she opens her feelings too much she gets her strength back and goes cold for a while. She knows and says I don't deserve any of this treatment and I see all this bothers her though she convinces herself this is needed. I won't be weak.

So yes I will follow your steps Wonka to just finally detach. I'm starting that now as I'm not doing any holiday things with her. If S11 still wants to get her a gift, I'll make that happen for him and that's it. I see she's already texting me logistical questions about S11 like business as usual. I don't respond. That is so strange to me... that someone could be so hurtful one moment and then follow up with business texts like nothing happened. I know not to be surprised or offended but still.

Thank you Sandi. Yes, 25 told me to say "so what?" to myself whenever she texts. And yes, I think the truth dart was good but did blowback a lot of pain to me. I know, though, that it is my choice to feel hurt. I'm getting better at that. I wonder, though, if my brining up the OM again was bad... like again I'm giving him all the attention instead of W's feelings and choices. But the text is out there and now she knows again I'm not playing friends with her and why.

Hey Zeus. I do agree with you completely. I have focused a lot on my W and affecting her as she is constantly looking to manipulate my emotions and my desire to help her. It is time to do much more of what you say... to GAL and build my life. Admittedly, outside of getting to the condo, I have not done GAL since then. My W is also hurt, emotional, and yes I can see shallow and thoughtless. Dealing with her and these weekly big battles like this... I am far far far from happy. I have not felt happy for a while now. I want to get to where you are. For me, emotional as I'm finding I am, it will take work and persistence from me. I'll get there.

Thank you all again. The past 24 hours have been awful. Again that was completely under my control. If I just refuse to answer the phone, or just stay calm when I do, then all this doesn't happen.

I'm feeling much better now.

I'll keep going.

Onwards.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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Originally Posted By: TLEE86
HP,

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're W said such hurtful things, especially this time of the year. Just remember, believe nothing of what you hear an only 50% of what she does. She's talking like a WAW so nothing uncommon there, you know that. You're thread gets a lot of traffic from people who know that they're talking about so keep being that rock and inspiration for all of us. You're doing awesome and I look forward to hearing all about the cool things you and your son are doing. Hope you have a Merry Christmas!


Hello TLEE86. Thank you for your support. I really appreciate you and your post today. I am humbled that you say I'm an inspiration and I'm doing awesome. I know how hard all this must be on you... I read your posts and you make me feel glad and hopeful when I see you still talking friendly with your W. Keep at it. I hope things get better for you both soon and that you find happiness this season. Merry Christmas to you too.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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