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HP,

I am sorry that you're in a bad place right now. What the hell happened? What was the real root of the trigger that led you in the R talk briar?? Did the pressure cooker blow for you?

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Mozza you are a good man. She doesn't want anything from me though accept to be nice to her in front of S11 so he won't think badly of her.

Anyway... I went your way Mozza. Sent her a text...

"I got your voice mail.

I'm sorry you feel I don't want to deal with your feelings.

I can only imagine how terrible that was for you all these years.

I recognize that I haven't heard you like you deserved.

(long long pause here)

I apologize for that."

Reply after last line... "Thank you HP. I am very sorry for hurting you"

I'll hold the truth dart. I did say during the yelling how if she was really sorry she would stop disrespecting us. She doesn't see it that way.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/24/14 04:14 AM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
HP,

I am sorry that you're in a bad place right now. What the hell happened? What was the real root of the trigger that led you in the R talk briar?? Did the pressure cooker blow for you?



Hello Wonka...

First, S11 just woke up moaning and sleepwalking a little. He does that under stress. He heard me yelling at his mom then. He's back in bed. I'll watch him.

Yes, S11 called her tonight and finally told her his feelings... that he wants her to come back and all this is stressing him out.

She then called me sad and teary. Talking about what S11 said and how sad it is. I can't really remember what it was. I got angry and just let her have all of it. Just how horrible she's been to us. How could she talk about being sad after all that. How I left her for my sanity and to protect S11. I really made her out to be the bad guy which got her sobbing and turning it back on me and how I left her a man sized hole that OM filled and then on and on and back and forth. I did not hold back the whole time in my head saying to stop.

That's what happened. I got mad that she was just sad that S11 was sad.

She be here to pick up S11 in the morning. She wants us to be civil around S11 b/c there's nothing else to do. Nothing else to say. This is where we are and if I say otherwise I'm not hearing her feelings.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/24/14 04:16 AM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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HP,

I hope you will remember to really step back and let W deal with her own emotions on hearing from S11 how all of this is affecting him. I is their relationship and boy she isn't liking how this is impacting everyone.

Then you just had to blow a gasket which diverted W's attention away from the damage she's causing to the family on to your angry tirade and she's off to the races firing back at you. What was lost in all of the angry exchange was a teachable moment for W. A missed opportunity here. Of course, what will happen is that W will be reflecting on what a jerk you were instead of her son's distress by her very poor choice.

Do you see why we all hammer home on the importance of not acting/reacting on one's emotions? That just sets you back several steps like the Chutes and Ladder game.
It can be much more difficult to regain lost ground with your W. It'll probably set you back by a week.

Take a break and regroup.

We're here to support you. Never fear that we'll just disappear. Chin up, buddy.

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Thank you Wonka. I see I cannot at all act on my emotions. This was a terrible failure I made and yes I see it set me and all this way way back. 1 week as you say which is bad yes. I really believed, though, I blew the whole effort. Part of me still does.

Yes S11's phone call was the natural consequence of her actions. I became a distraction to that. I see that very clearly as you say Wonka. Horrible lesson learned tonight.

Even so... tomorrow I just STFU x10. She keeps saying we're separated... let's just accept that we're separated and be civil for S11. So tomorrow I will go out to her car... I will greet her if she greets me. I will be businesslike. A coworker.

She keeps saying I'm blaming OM but I know the truth (her feelings). I brought him up I'm sure as we were talking about why I can't just be nice and understanding with her. I won't bring him up again.

I'll send W my choice for a therapist for me and S11. Likely my IC.

I will keep going. I apologized to my S11 tonight for all this. Said I love his mom and she loves him. Said I hope we can all be together again. Said I'm really trying. He said "I know dad. You're doing great."

Funny... even W on her voice mail said she was glad we finally talked tonight even with all the screaming. I'll leave that at that.

Just pick myself up... keep going.

Made a mistake... keep going.

Keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Yes, you've got no choice but keep going. Eyes forward, private!

Originally Posted By: HPoirot

I'll send W my choice for a therapist for me and S11. Likely my IC.


Whoa. Who said anything about sending W your choice for a therapist for YOU and S11?? How's that relevant? It is your business.

Last edited by Wonka; 12/24/14 04:57 AM.
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Helllo Wonka. W was upset that she thought I wanted to take S11 to an IC without her input. I said I would of course consult with her first. She again threatened a lawyer because again she didn't hear me. So I made it clear again I would ask for her feedback on the IC I choose for S11 to see.

Other than that, feeling horrible this morning. After she stopped her hysterics on the phone last night, again she was so even about not loving me. Not loving me for years. That if she hasn't had her A it would still be true and the same as now. I was so wrong last night to pick up the phone. Last night was a talk we already had except I was screaming at her. I might as well have begged her to come back.

If you're reading this and you're where I am, please just STFU. Don't make this mistake if you have hope still because you will suffer on that hope. Let go of your hope and expectations. Your WAS is gone. Like they say here, that person wants to protect themselves from you at all costs. The pain youre in means nothing to your WAS. Get on with your life and do what the vets say to ease your pain. That's all you can do. It hurts to hear your spouse not care about your pain. Too much.

So today i'll send S11 to his mom. I won't see her today. Im hurting because I still have hope and it kills me to see her give me nothing now. And now she knows it again. I'm still the hurt one.

It's like I'm starting from the beginning again.

And again I don't want to do this anymore.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/24/14 10:04 AM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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Will you recognize the pre-explotion signs the next time? If you go back and and read your post from work, it seems clear it was building. That was a signal to do some type of physical workout to offset the pent up anger.

You have got to find some kind of emergency protection plan to implement. Our beloved Coach praised cognative therapy. It may benefit you to chech it out. If we learn to think better, we will act better. As long as we continue to repeat the same thought patterns and respond in the same manner......getting the same results, we stay stuck in the same old sh't.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you sandi. Yes I'm better when I work out. I haven't been doing that and I will. I will make sure my IC helps with my anger.

....

Text from her just now... "You don't deserve what i have done to you. You are a good man and my affair was the most disrespectful and hurtful thing that I could have done. You are an amazing father and deserve better. And I am terribly sorry that this happened and for hurting you. I wish I could step back in time and change things."

Again I want to answer... Come talk with me. Let's change things. Nothing to do. A good man is not enough. Anything i say is not enough and far too late. These texts from her are torture. Why send these empty words to me? Just STFU.


And here's my fear and guilt again. I could use a truth dart here. Push her back over to angry. I'm tired of this and of her.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/24/14 11:46 AM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
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Stay strong. Nice to get the text but actions speak louder than words. Maybe the fog is starting to clear but It's an emotional time for all so STFU and carry on with Xmas. Take care. Rd

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