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Joined: Jun 2014
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Hi HP, I always read your threads and I just wanted to pop in and say I am so sorry for what you are going through. We are all here in the same boat but your W's behavior with her emotional attacks are just incredible. You have done and are doing so well! You really need to be commended for that.

It will get easier, and harder. You will continue ups and downs for a long time I am guessing. But overall it will get easier I think.

I frankly admire you so much. I would not be able to be as patient and calm as you have been in the face of your W's antagonism and antics. It really seems she has nothing better to do than harass you all day long. Up and down, nice and mean. You are doing so well in the face of that. I would have exploded looong ago!

I know what you mean about feeling guilty but don't. You are being strong and kind in the face of a stressful situation. She is very lucky to have you as an H.

Let her go try to make a relationship with this OM. It will blow up, guaranteed. When she doesn't have you to perform her crazy antics on, she will do it to him. And he probably will not have the kind patient soul you have. Then maybe she will hit rock bottom and realize what stupid choices she has made.

Well, this was longer than I meant it to be but I just wanted to say how well I think you are doing. Keep on keepin on HP!

Hugs, Lisa

Joined: Oct 2014
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HPoirot Offline OP
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Oh thank you so much Lisa. You are so kind and have made me teary. My W is very lucky to have me? Want to meet me later for a drink? You are so wonderful to say that. So very wonderful. I could kiss you.

...

I'm having my first real logistical problem and I want to throw in the towel. Want to call my W and beg her to save me...

I don't have dinner in the house and it's 6pm! I'm still working on an immediate work problem. I can order pizza but it will take a while and we've had pizza too often already.

OK time to go to the grocery and start cooking starting tomorrow. I can do this but I feel sad about this little issue I'm having.

I really can't call my W and talk her back in here? She's not waiting for me to call her? Seriously? She has no more sense of humor? We're starving!

Side note: So a sense of humor does not work on the WAW? I can always make my W laugh. Well she likely not interested in a funny guy right now. Never mind.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/23/14 11:02 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
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Jimmy Johns (I don't know if you have that) fast sandwich delivery
freaky fast
Whammo!! - Dinner

Son will think its cool

Don't fret - I think you have higher expectations than the kids for dinner. I used to worry about a good 4 item dinner for the kids and they looked at me like I was nuts worrying about something like that. It's great to usually do, but not necessary all the time.

Thanks for your help today!!!!!


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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HP - you are doing great just to be worried about getting dinner on the table for your son. Plenty of people in the world can't manage that. Give yourself a break and order pizza if you need to! More healthy choices can come later...


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Sep 2014
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HP

What about me - don't I get a kiss?

I too really admire your posts, you are such a caring person and your wife is crazy to give you grief. Your devotion bring s a tear to me eye. You really are the true definition of a husband.

Hang tough friend.


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Let me repeat what I've said and what others have said: you're very impressive. I'm always surprised when you sound pessimistic because I see your witch as one of the most promising ones.

Because I can't help being in solution mode, let me give you two tips for the meals, this coming from someone who wasn't cooking at all three years ago and who now cooks every day (with kids!).

1. Set a weekly menu. Eat the same thing every Monday, Tuesday, etc. Cooking and grocery shopping become so much easier. You'll add variety later.
2. Keep spaghetti and a can of tomato soup handy. Mix the two (Add onions, salt, pepper and butter to take it to the next level). It's a life saver when you run out of food. My kids love it and I remember it as one if my favourite meal as a kid.

So, do I get a kiss?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Hello Jan! Yes I certainly have a kiss for you too. Thank you for your kindness. I say kindness b/c like everyone here, b/c I'm devoted, I struggle to stay brave and sane. Really struggle.

I know it's b/c I have hope for my M. Even after everything my W has done to me and S11... I remember she has been hurting too for a long time. I wasn't there for her the way she needed then. I feel the guilt for that. I know she's a good person. I want to see this M work. I want to be good to my W. I want to be a good H.

Too much wanting. Too much expectations. Too much hope. Too much pain.

So I'm still not yet doing this only for myself and S11. I'm still just acting as if I'm moving ahead with my life. I still pick up my phone looking for a text from W. She just sent one... "I will be there at 9 for S11." It was 8am before. Another change. Just information. Much more than I give to her now certainly. But I know she doesn't care about my lack of contact now.

I try not to remember her crying last month about my not answering my phone... about losing my friendship. Manipulation. I should just turn my back on her. She's earned it. I won't though. I'm a good man. My son needs his mom. I miss my W. Hurting myself.

My son and I drove to get burgers. I was hurting again. Chanting "I am the big planet" from Theoden's recent post helped. I did not get beer. Sat with my son and the pain. It went away enough after a while.

I've been wondering how my W has left S11 out here with me so long. Since we left last week Sunday, she's had him 2 nights. She drove him to and from school a few days. She'll call to complain if he hasn't answered her call... then sound flat on the phone and only talk briefly when he does. If I think about that too much... I'll start to hate her. I don't want to hate her.

I was cutting S11's hair just now. Washing his clothes. Getting him food. This is how it is. I'm the sitter while she goes and "lives" like she told me she wanted. "You don't want me to live" she told me b/c I'm the one who wants our family to live. I actually felt angry cutting my son's hair just now. Then I remembered... I'm the right one. The one doing his best. Loving his son. Even loving his W.

Need to love more than that, though. I see I need to love myself. I don't... not enough yet. Still disappointed in myself. Still feeling soft. Still feeling sad. Acting as if helps. But, I know what I really have to do. Just have to get outside and GAL it done.

I 'm doing 90 days NC. This has been day #10.

I got kindness today here on this thread. Thank you.

I think I posted some good advice on other threads today. Thank you for the opportunity.

My dad sent me and S11 a wonderful Christmas gift basket.

I live in a nice Condo for almost nothing.

I have a job working from home making great money.

My s11 is happy.

My OW called me again this morning on her walk to cheer me up. She sent me a picture of the

My SIL called to check on me and asked my permission to talk with my W.

I've gone 5 days without a drink.

I just told S11 to make sure he calls his mom. I'm just going to do that to avoid any issues. He's on the phone with her now. He just asked her to come back to us. Telling her he doesn't like what is going on. I did encourage him to talk about his feelings. Glad and sad he's finally doing it. He said he's noticing how his mom doesn't seem stressed like he feels. Now I see this phone call with her is longer than usual. Doesn't matter.

Now she's calling me...


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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Well, I have to apologize to myself and all of you. I had just had a terrible R talk with my W. I yelled at her. Let everything out about how she's been acting the last 3 months. All the lying and the PA. Got a lot of would've could've from W. Turning it around on me... the man sized hole I left in her. The Woman sized hole she left in me. She has feelings for OM she can't negate. SHe sobbed like a crazy person. I didn't believe her. We yelled at each other. She triggered something and I called her a F*cking B!tch. I triggered her and she went on about how there's no way we can be together. On and on. Down to our son. We love him. What's the best for him. She went on about MC... doing it to learn how we got here... if there's any way it can go on... how to co-parent. I said I wanted to take him to therapy. She said excellent idea. I said not with you. While OM is in the picture... no. Told her I'm going to bed. See you in the morning. Hung up on her.

It was terrible. Everything DB says not to do. Everything I tried to leave on the page here. All the anger. Everything. I gave it to her.

I don't see anything now. No R. No M.

I'm not mad. Not shaking. No pain.

I'm done.

Can I save this? I don't know how. I'm not done. What can I do?

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/24/14 03:22 AM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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She left me a voice message. So I was controlling. Saying if I thought this was easy for her and that this is about OM that I'm so completely wrong. That I never accept the truth about how she feels. That she would say she's sorry and remorseful but I wouldn't believe it. That is always about me and my feelings.

She said... "I'm telling you the truth about my feelings and you do not want to deal with it. You do not want to take this head on with me. You don't want to do that... you want to tell me what I ought to feel, and how I shouldn't feel and what I'm doing wrong in what I'm doing right and I'm telling you that this is what I feel. And you have known it and you know it."

So yes I was telling her my view while saying I heard her view. I didn't do it well. She didn't hear me. I made a huge mistake tonight.

And now I want to call her back.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/24/14 03:42 AM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
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I like this voicemail from your W. She's telling you very clearly what she wants from you. Believe her when she says it's not about the OM: she's telling her truth.

My W did the same: she left me for OM four weeks after meeting him, yet thanks to my email archives, I realize now that it was much more about what was going on between us. Would we still be together if she hadn't met OM? Sure, for a little while longer. But our ship was heading for the iceberg before he came to pick her up with his raft boat.

So accept her truth, validate her feelings, tell her what you're sorry about. I feel the same urge as you to tell her how upset I am, but the truth is that the only thing I would hear is what I want to hear. It's the same for her. If you stand a chance it's by listening, asking her about her feelings, about the real reasons for her departure, never mentioning OM again, etc.

You're still convinced in your heart that this is just her being selfish and irresponsible, but it's likely that it's a way for her to survive, to accept a happiness that was denied to her recently. It's hard for her to turn it down, especially when the dopamine kicks in. Go along with her for a little while, explore her side of things with her. It's a good thing for you.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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