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A Message from Michele
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Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 #2519810
12/23/14 12:03 AM
12/23/14 12:03 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Day #9...

Just posting b/c had my first IC session. My good luck is holding...

Some advice first... if you're looking for an MC or IC that does Solution Focused Therapy, you can Google "Psychology Today Therapist search." The site lets you filter by Solution Focused Therapy.

I used that and found a wonderful IC 10 minutes up the street. She was aware of DB, understood my sitch immediately, understood how my W is addicted to out of control emotions, understood that the best and only thing I can do is detach and take care of S11.

So, that's our mission... to get me to really and truly and completely detach and get better ASAP. I told her about my 6 month plan and she agreed. Everything we talked about here... keeping minimum contact with W on just S11, taking care of myself, GALing, taking responsibility for my neglect of my M and making those changes, breaking free of co-dependency, finding happiness no matter the outcome, no new women for me... she recommended all those things. And I will be taking antidepressants. She says they can take at least 4 weeks to really start working. I didn't know that.

She had me read this aloud today and everyday from now on...

TO "LET GO" TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.


So everything we're doing here.

And she's pro-marriage.

Another ally. That by itself was very healing.

Now all I have to do is hunker down, get better, take care of my boy, and keep going.

I can do this.

Onward.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: HPoirot] #2519811
12/23/14 12:08 AM
12/23/14 12:08 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
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HeavyD Offline
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HeavyD  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
Such a great post - a real joy to read. You can do this HP!


Was made a better person by DB'ers
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: HeavyD] #2519814
12/23/14 12:13 AM
12/23/14 12:13 AM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Posts: 7,319
High five! laugh

Love, LOVE that poem. Thank you for posting it as I feel it's timely for all of us. It resonated with me at a very deep level.

Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: Wonka] #2519823
12/23/14 12:33 AM
12/23/14 12:33 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
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Card29 Offline
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Card29  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
I know I needed to read every line. Thank you so much for sharing


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: Card29] #2519824
12/23/14 12:39 AM
12/23/14 12:39 AM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
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nit84 Offline
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nit84  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
HP,

Thank you so much for posting that it is going to help us a lot


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: nit84] #2519832
12/23/14 01:04 AM
12/23/14 01:04 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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LoveMyW Offline
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LoveMyW  Offline
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L
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
Thanks for the post HP.. It has helped me today..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: LoveMyW] #2519850
12/23/14 03:02 AM
12/23/14 03:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
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TLEE86 Offline
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TLEE86  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
HP, thanks for sharing, definitely a must read. Looks like I have a new hw assignment everyday as well

Last edited by TLEE86; 12/23/14 03:03 AM.

ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: TLEE86] #2519936
12/23/14 01:45 PM
12/23/14 01:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Thank you everyone for your comments on the poem. I'm glad it helps.

This is still so hard though. I woke up with horrible thoughts again. Wondering how it's possible for my W to treat me and S11 the way she has. I know much better and still no amount of mind tricks keeps these thoughts away completely.

I told my IC that I felt I enabled my W by leaving. After I told her I knew about her PA, she stopped going out all night and on weekends. Part of me wishes I'd stayed or had her here in the condo so that could continue and we could have a chance to connect again.

My IC said no, I did the right thing leaving. To get S11 away from a toxic place. For me to get better. Honestly, i feel I've gotten worse. Before I could at least be nice to W knowing where she was. Now I have too much time to wonder what she's doing. Still asking myself how she could think I would have Christmas with her. Stupid thoughts I can't afford to think. Very painful thoughts. I hard to accept she'd be away from her son for so long. That she let me take him here to the condo.

She is who she is now. I want very badly to detach from that person but I know that wanting keeps me attached. Now that she's not here I see there's a whole new set of challenges to face. Namely I want to speak with her... Want her to explain herself. Everytime I imagine that happening... Me calling or texting to ask her "what the hell are you doing?" I see how weak that is. Then I feel more hurt. Nothing I can do about her. Let her go and find something to really enjoy today.

My next IC meet is in 2 weeks.

I'm on day #10 here in the condo.

I think it's day #4 without a drink.

Today I'll go for a run. Eat right then treat myself to ice cream.

Just keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: HPoirot] #2519941
12/23/14 02:00 PM
12/23/14 02:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
New England
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Little Offline
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Little  Offline
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Posts: 471
New England
You're not alone on the need to understand and ask questions. Someone here told me that even if BF explained, it would still sound like complete b*llsh*t. I'd love to sit him down and chew him a couple new a$$holes about how he's treating people and the unconscionable things he's done, but it wouldn't make a difference. They feel justified.

It's hard to let go of that, but trying is the best we can do.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2 [Re: Little] #2519991
12/23/14 04:04 PM
12/23/14 04:04 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Thank you Little. Yes it is hard to let go when you care for and are hurt by the person you trusted. I see in your sitch you have times when you feel almost there and then something reminds you. I'm really looking forward to getting there myself when I can speak to W without caring at all.

Like today... she texted me to please transfer $300 to our account for a rental car. I offered before to pay for half her car. (I refrained from asking her for the receipt.)

I didn't do it immediately. I wanted to ask her about the cost as it seemed high.

I little while later she calls S11 on his phone. S11 hands the phone to me. She starts in about how I must answer my phone especially if I have S11. I calmly say, if you keep screaming at me I will hang up on you. She apologizes and starts about the rental car. I ask her to explain the cost which again sets her off. She did explain the cost in detail but I had to calmly remind her again I would hang up if she kept screaming. She apologizes. I agree to send the money.

Then she asks how S11 is. I tell her not good. (IC said to let W know about S11s moods as she's his mom.) He gets sad. He had a panic attack the first night I brought him here last week. (My IC said I should tell her as I didn't when it happened.) W started on how she didn't know and why didn't I tell her. I said I'm telling you now. She said she was starting to have a panic attack. I reminded her again about her screaming and she apologized again. I asked hasn't she noticed him being sad b/c of what she's doing. (maybe I shouldn't have said "she's doing"... guilting.) She said we're separated, of course she's seen him sad and happy. (So we're doing this not her. I moved out while she wanted us to live together after all.)

She then said, it might help him if he sees us talking. That we need to talk. I said, if she has any suggestions, email them to me. I'll consider them. Call me or text me if she has an emergency. So I repeated my boundary again but again forgot the script.

Told her I was busy and I had to go. Hung up on her.

I was very calm and even this time so improvement. I was not friendly so still a little ways to go.

Still, again she does not seem to get that we're not just separated people trying to figure our lives out for ourselves. She's having an A so I left her and I'm not her friend b/c of her decision. She doesn't get a happy family or an H who's in a hurry to help or talk to her. She doesn't get her worries soothed every morning when no one calls her or responds to her texts and calls.

The guilty part of me thinks I'm still too harsh. I'm getting to the point of treating her like co-worker I'm not friends with. I still had a touch of contempt in my voice today and irritation about contact from W. So I'm at treating her like a very irritating co-worker that I don't like. I throw the vital empathy lessons from 25 out the window when I interact with her now.

Thing is I know how to act... friendly co-worker or neighbor. Minimal contact on S11 only. Not showing anger or sadness which shows I'm not detached and gives her control. Over and over again it's as simple as that. Just remove the contempt.

If I don't let go of my anger, I don't detach. If I don't detach, we don't get out of this phase we're in where I can't bear to be near her and she can't feel comfortable around me. If she doesn't ever feel comfortable around me, she won't make any move closer to me and healing will never start.

I know it's still early in my LRT (that's what I'm doing right?), but I can't see warming up to her while she hasn't even said she's reconsidering her A. Until she says something about it, I can't see myself acting much different than I am now... just without the contempt.

So I'm not going to ask her out for coffee or anything like that. I see that she wants to talk, so there are opportunities there to be friendly. I should do that then, right. Meet every time we hand off S11, be cordial, return her greeting, return her conversation, make it brief and say good bye.

B/c right now it's possible you may be thinking I'm being a dick again. How can I possibly make room for an R if she feels like sh!t every time she calls or sees me?

I don't know. How should she feel when she sees me? I don't think I know the right answer.

She just texted... "Thanks for your help with the rental."

Funny... the correct response is "You're welcome." But I'm in such a state now that my mind explodes in every possibility of response. What each one means and could do to help or hurt our R.

How should my sorry but unrepentant wayward W feel when she contacts me?

I don't know.

Honestly, I don't know how to get from here to anything better with her.

So I'm ignoring her text.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/23/14 04:09 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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