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A Message from Michele
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Re: Card29 VII [Re: Wonka] #2517776
12/16/14 03:59 PM
12/16/14 03:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
Card29  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
I will do both of those things. Thank you so much for your input, Wonka. I referenced your Validation Cheat Sheet before I made any responses this morning.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2517798
12/16/14 05:00 PM
12/16/14 05:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
Card29  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
She just texted:

Quote:
I feel like this invalidates our entire marriage.


I feel like it was very destructive but I don't believe it invalidates the entire thing. There were lots of good times, there was some intimacy, just not enough. I didn't say any of that to her. I just asked, "Would you mind saying more?"


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2517808
12/16/14 05:32 PM
12/16/14 05:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
Card29  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
Her response:

Quote:
You chose porn over me for ten years. I begged you not to sleep on the couch. You made a decision not to give this up. Which led to our lack of talking and connection and then our sexual issues. Simply the lie and deceit prob contributed a lot to the dist between us. I feel like you've been cheating on me the entire time we've been together. You clearly made this choice over me time and time again.


More validation from me


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2517815
12/16/14 05:58 PM
12/16/14 05:58 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
M
Mozza Offline
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Mozza  Offline
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M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
I'm very impressed with this exchange. It's like your W finally feels safe to open up, knowing you will be separated anyway. Don't waste this opportunity by suggesting between the lines that if she accepts your confession, you should be back together. She knows very, very well that you want her. If she could doubt that for a second, it would only play in your favour. Keep confessing and validating. I know it's very hard for you not to pursue, but it's the first of the 37 rules for a reason. You can do it.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Mozza] #2517828
12/16/14 06:35 PM
12/16/14 06:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
Card29  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
I am trying to apply all of my DB knowledge right now. Definitely avoiding pursuit. She is now asking me about everything, if I ever had an affair (I said no, she doubts it, I validate her feelings of doubt), if I was a virgin when we met as I told her (I was), asked if I went to strip clubs, etc.

I'm not having any expectations, especially after she told me she wanted a divorce after a 5-month separation (it wasn't heat of the moment at all). I know that if this does turn the tide, it will be a long way down the road. I just need to find a healthy way to have hope. I need to read all of uR's posts


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2517829
12/16/14 06:40 PM
12/16/14 06:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Originally Posted By: Card29
She just texted:

Quote:
I feel like this invalidates our entire marriage.


I feel like it was very destructive but I don't believe it invalidates the entire thing. There were lots of good times, there was some intimacy, just not enough. I didn't say any of that to her. I just asked, "Would you mind saying more?"


To a woman, yes it does. The emotional intimacy is sacrosanct for women so for men engaging in porn to the near exclusion to the martial relationship is very, very destructive and devastating. You only need to read through GGG's threads to get a glimmer of how porn impacts a woman and the marriage.

This is HOW your W feels....don't be too dismissive of her feelings.

Re: Card29 VII [Re: Mozza] #2517833
12/16/14 06:47 PM
12/16/14 06:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Mozza,

Originally Posted By: Mozza
I'm very impressed with this exchange. It's like your W finally feels safe to open up, knowing you will be separated anyway. Don't waste this opportunity by suggesting between the lines that if she accepts your confession, you should be back together.


Absolutely not. It is not that simple. Card has to work really hard to regain his wife's trust long, long before contemplating a reconciliation. It is not for Card to suggest that they "should" be back together after he confesses and is transparent about his porn issues. Ironically, it's W who is holding the cards here. And rightfully so.

Re: Card29 VII [Re: Wonka] #2517835
12/16/14 06:51 PM
12/16/14 06:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
M
Mozza Offline
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Mozza  Offline
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M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Wonka: We're saying the same thing. I told Card NOT to suggest they should be back together.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2517836
12/16/14 06:51 PM
12/16/14 06:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Wonka Offline
Member
Wonka  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Card,

You're doing really good. Easy does it. You two won't resolve this problem that's been years in the making in one week.

You might want to join a porn addiction group online to get support in trying to work with your W in regaining her trust.

Keep going, buddy.

Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2517875
12/16/14 09:19 PM
12/16/14 09:19 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,337
U
uRworthy Offline
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uRworthy  Offline
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U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,337
Hey Card. I am going to be really honest here. It does you no
good if I'm not.

I think your conversations have given her a lot to think about. I am glad to see that you are letting her lead on this. She needs to work through this in her own way. Its really important that she does.

This has to be about her. She keeps saying she felt violated. The fact that she keeps repeating it leads me to believe that she isnt feeling validated on this.

It is best to keep it simple,"I am so sorry you are hurting. It was never my intent to make you feel that way. I was wrong to look at porn and put it before my wife. I know that caused a great deal of problems between us."

It is really important that she feels heard. This is really, really difficult for a woman, C. Its why she is asking if she was a good wife. She feels that it is her fault in some way.
That it was because she was lacking.

Originally Posted By: Card29
I told her that she took her frustrations out on me for a long time, even ones that had nothing to do with me, and that drove me away for her for a long time.


I would imagine she was frustrated with the way your marriage was and knowing what you did. Be careful there.

Originally Posted By: Card29

I think I could have overcome my porn habit a long time ago if she had met me with love on the topic. Instead she just expressed her disgust.


I know you didnt say that to her, but, I am concerned that you are thinking that. It sounds as if you are blaming her. I would imagine it would be very difficult to meet that topic with love. It is a very hurtful act that clearly made her feel as if she wasnt enough.


Originally Posted By: Card29

She told me today she felt violated during sex for much of our marriage, which hurt to hear. not because I forced or pressured her, just because there was no intimacy.


A woman needs intimacy before the physical, C. She needs to feel connected, loved, cherished. She didnt feel that.

As I said, this has to be about her right now. There should not be anything from you to imply that if you got back together, things would be different. She will think, "Yea, right."

You need to show her that you have changed. She needs to see something different than what she has seen before. And she needs to see it over a long period of time. She needs to feel heard.

Her trust has been broken. You have to earn it back. You do that with consistent actions over time.

Let her lead. Do not get pulled into convos like the one about whether she was a good wife. That just leads to problems. No matter what you say right now, she is going to think she wasnt a good one because she wasnt enough.

Treat her respectfully and with dignity. Show her compassion, strength and honor.

You can do this, C.

Last edited by uRworthy; 12/16/14 09:22 PM.
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