CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Should I let her know I am reading the book? #2517504
12/15/14 07:46 PM
12/15/14 07:46 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
B
Bert35 Offline OP
New Member
Bert35  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
A little background... I am 40, she is 35, we have been together for 14 years and married for 9 1/2. and have 2 amazing kids 5 and 8. I have been an alcoholic battling the disease for years and have finally come into my real recovery and taken my life back. Although I have done this, the damage that I have done has taken its toll, I own this and know my responsibility. It is now that she after 4 sessions with a counselor tells me that it is over and there is nothing that I can do to change her mind. This counselor did me no favors, that I know after reading, I am at the end of my rope and grasping straws. Nothing is worth more to me than her and my kids and I just don't know how to get her to see that this can be fixed. I have begun to employ some of the strategies in the book and am waiting on results. My question is do I let her know I am reading the book or keep it to myself for now? any input is appreciated

Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Bert35] #2517519
12/15/14 08:36 PM
12/15/14 08:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,011
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,011
NY
Quote:
My question is do I let her know I am reading the book or keep it to myself for now?

NOPE!

Speak with ACTIONS not WORDS.

If you were on a football team would you give the opposing team your playbook?

If you are attending AA, what step are you on?
Have you made amends?
What do they say?


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Cadet] #2517520
12/15/14 08:48 PM
12/15/14 08:48 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
B
Bert35 Offline OP
New Member
Bert35  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
I am in AA, the self actualizing brought me to where I am now, alcohol will never be a problem for me again, and I can finally say that as though a truck has been lifted off my shoulders, just wish it hadn't taken me so long to get where I am. I wasn't a chronic alcoholic, or sick, more like a guy that got stuck in my 20's and refused to grow up despite her efforts to get me to do so. We have a lot of other issues as well, I work nights and a lot of hours, she works days. etc. We are both very educated people that understand the ramifications of this, but I think our "therapist" bringing up my past years of nonsense has played so much bad into her psyche with no plan for the future that she threw her hands up. Making Amends is an on going process and will be for a long time. She is my life and I regret a lot of my not showing her that, I just hope it isn't too late for her to see that we can do this and be happier than ever before.

Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Bert35] #2517549
12/15/14 09:54 PM
12/15/14 09:54 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,011
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,011
NY
Here is my thoughts.

Be the BEST DAD that you can BE.

That is VERY attractive.

This didnt happen over night and is not going to be FIXED quickly.

Make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
That is all you can CONTROL.

Its not the therapists fault, what other complaints does she have?


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Cadet] #2517556
12/15/14 10:09 PM
12/15/14 10:09 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
B
Bert35 Offline OP
New Member
Bert35  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
Trust that I wont drink again is a biggie.
My selfishness in that as well because I felt entitled to do it. (Man was I wrong)
Selfishness also plays into my passion of sportfishing which is a big money endeavor and the boat takes time and money from the family. That has been put on hold and in fact my boat is up for sale. I tried the begging and pleading, as the book says, that backfired along with the roses and everything else. We cohabitate and parent but thats it, I am now getting the "I am just shut down and dont have it in me anymore" and the "I am just not in love with you anymore" I am done crying, I just wanna grab the bull by the horns and take control.

Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Bert35] #2517562
12/15/14 10:18 PM
12/15/14 10:18 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,011
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,011
NY
Originally Posted By: Bert35
"I am just not in love with you anymore" I am done crying, I just wanna grab the bull by the horns and take control.

So what made her fall in love before you got married?

Who were YOU then?

Yes I would assume she does not trust that you wont start drinking, and I would assume all this pressure is a huge test on YOU.

You need to let her stay shut down for now, IMHO.
Give her the space she needs and continue to focus on YOU.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Cadet] #2517595
12/16/14 12:10 AM
12/16/14 12:10 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
B
Bert35 Offline OP
New Member
Bert35  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
Thats what I am trying to do, I am just staying quiet, being daddy and doing my normal daily stuff around the house, spending a lot of time with the kids (which is the norm actually, just a little more) Tonight we took the kids to get a bite to eat before attending a school function. I am normally a jeans and t shirt guy. Before she got home from work, I put on a nice shirt and khakis, polished a bit. She noticed, couldn't quite believe it, she didn't exactly say I looked nice or compliment me but She noticed. Wonder what else I can do while I give her space just to catch her inquisitiveness? Above all else I just want her to see that I am a different person than I have been and I am embracing it. I just need the time to prove it

Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Bert35] #2517813
12/16/14 05:55 PM
12/16/14 05:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,011
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,011
NY
Originally Posted By: Bert35
Above all else I just want her to see that I am a different person than I have been and I am embracing it. I just need the time to prove it

Dont worry about whether she sees it or not.

Live YOUR life -
be a good role model for your kids.

I wouldn't want my kids seeing me drinking.

She will notice.

You make the changes for YOU, not to win her back! - OK?


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Cadet] #2518019
12/17/14 06:15 AM
12/17/14 06:15 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
B
Bert35 Offline OP
New Member
Bert35  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 9
I am definately making changes for me, I just think she is shooting from the hip, getting advice from people she shouldn't and has no clue what this is going to do to our family. She is confused and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the wheels turning when we talk, I say little things like "you know, we have a really beautiful Christmas tree." And leave the conversation at that. I am doing my best to distance myself too and not be as available which is tough. I thought the beginning of the book might shed some light on the ramifications of these actions but I am not sure.

Oh and BTW the counselor today told me that she was the head of the annulment comittee in her parish. How is that not a conflict??

Re: Should I let her know I am reading the book? [Re: Bert35] #2518305
12/17/14 11:53 PM
12/17/14 11:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,852
UK
V
Vanilla Offline
Member
Vanilla  Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,852
UK
Originally Posted By: Bert35
I am in AA, the self actualizing brought me to where I am now, alcohol will never be a problem for me again, and I can finally say that as though a truck has been lifted off my shoulders, just wish it hadn't taken me so long to get where I am. I wasn't a chronic alcoholic, or sick, more like a guy that got stuck in my 20's and refused to grow up despite her efforts to get me to do so. We have a lot of other issues as well,


Hmmmm

An alcoholic is an alcoholic. There is no such thing as a non chronic alcoholic.
Bert, this is a disease which will be for the rest of your life, and with due respect step 1 says I admit that I am powerless over the disease that is in my life. Acceptance.
This means it is a problem. You may manage it but it's an issue. The important Step is step 3. Allowing your higher power to manage the disease for you.

I am calling you on this because my H is a compulsive too. Your W knows too well what the years of alcohol abuse have done. No therapist has caused her to suddenly know this. If you can encourage her to go to Al anon that will help as she will be part of a group which does the 12 step process too.

I do applaud you for the AA and for staying dry, as it is not an easy road you travel. When you give your therapy then you can air these matters in the room, and no doubt full feedback will follow.

Truly when you work the steps you will be recovering, which is for all of your life. W will know if you are as your inner self will change. It is not your past nonsense which weighs but the future nonsense, and W will begin to know yesterday, today and tomorrow and to live one day at a time, if she has the courage to go to Al anon.

I challenge you, have you really allowed the higher power to take precedence in your life?
Serenity
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/17/14 11:57 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004