KGirl con't

[KGirl]

Zues - I appreciate that, it's reassuring. When I picture guys who are still single in their early 30's I picture the player types who do the whole one-night stand thing and aren't interested in settling down. It's hard to imagine there are any decent guys out there who aren't already "taken" (and it's still relatively early for them to b D'ed). The only people that have shown interest in me lately have been coming on a little too strongly and in unsettling ways (like stalking me on linkedin) so it hasn't exactly been a confidence booster!

labug - Yes, that is true. But how do I know that without being inside H's head? And what if I really don't believe I did anything that was worthy of marriage-ending? Is it still unhealthy for me to say that I place a lot of blame on H for ending up being D'ed?

[TLEE86]

KG, I think Zues summed it up perfectly. You are not perfect, far from it-none of us are. But you are choosing to not break your M vows. You and your H said these vows in front of friends, family and God and you are living up to YOUR PART of the agreement. I've been thinking about that "better or worse" line quite a bit lately…seems like too many people just say it and like Zues said, a lot of people don't take it seriously when things get tough…well, for all of us on these boards right now, this is about as "worse" as it is going to get. It's times like these that literally make or break marriages because one person just wants to give up and thinks that they will find something better-they'll have reality hit them sooner or later. It's these same people that have been divorced 4 times and wonder why they still aren't happy.

From what I read from your thread, nothing you did IMO was enough to break up a M over…but your H is making that choice to call it quits when things are rough. He doesn't quite get it like you do, that when you said those vows, you actually meant every single word of it. Someday, he'll wake up and realize that he just lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Whether you are there for that moment is really up to you and how long you are willing to wait for him to wake up, if you want to do that at all. Keep your head above water, you'll be more than ok no matter what happens.

[paul19510]

R"Either way, what I miss is who I thought he used to be (whether it's what I thought or what he actually was maybe doesn't matter at this point), not who he actually is now. "

I have/had the exact same issue with my STBXW. I think even others here pointed it out. I know family and friends did too. I still struggle with it. I am sorry for your pain.

[Pink17]

KGirl,

This fear of being alone, the rejection, feeling humiliated, empty, the pain that burns our hearts, the horrible stomach ache that never goes away... it's all part of the grief, healing is painful at first, but eventually it happens.

Now, why are you so negative, why you think your H is done and things will never change? How do you know he is so done with you? Is this just a feeling or he made it clear he is done?

Remember, you can't mind read, you can't believe in what they say and just believe some of what they do. Only time will tell if there is any chance for your M to be safe.

I am now in that phase where I think H is totally done with me but then I ask myself why he didn't file yet, why he text me and call me frequently? Makes me think that only death is forever.

Life keep changing and I am changing and he is also changing...maybe it's done and maybe at some point there will be a tough of maybe things can work out well. I don't know as well as you don't know. Only time will tell.

I know we want everything resolved right away, and we read stories of people that tried their best and yet got the D. But there are some that could restore their M. Then, it's up to us to decide if we have the patient to wait until we drop the rope.

Michele always advise that the work is hard and the road is a long one. There is no guarantees, but there is always hope.

Hang in there and try to find out what you want.

Hugs
Pink

[labug]

labug - Yes, that is true. But how do I know that without being inside H's head? And what if I really don't believe I did anything that was worthy of marriage-ending? Is it still unhealthy for me to say that I place a lot of blame on H for ending up being D'ed?

I don't think you have to be inside his head to look back and examine what happened.

You can make your own assessment.

Why does blame need to be placed? How does that make you more whole?

I like the way you're working through this.

[Card29]

When I picture guys who are still single in their early 30's I picture the player types who do the whole one-night stand thing and aren't interested in settling down. It's hard to imagine there are any decent guys out there who aren't already "taken" (and it's still relatively early for them to b D'ed).

I have similar thoughts about girls our age, KGirl. But if the two of us are thinking the same thing, there haven't be thousands of others like us out there. Just be patient and don't rush anything

[raliced]

KGirl - I'm not a guy obviously, but I intentionally did not marry until I was in my 30s because I wanted to experience life on my own, establish career, travel extensively etc, before I got married and had a family (and acutally the twenty somethings I knew at the time never seemed like marriage material anyway). Trust me - there are guys out there for you and at 30 - still a fairly wide pool of them.

[KGirl]

Why does blame need to be placed? How does that make you more whole?

This seems too obvious to me so I must not be thinking hard enough We've talked a lot about how this really is all about him and who he is, and not about me. So then it has to be his fault, right? If I contributed largely or even 50/50 to this.. it's really not about him anymore, it's about both of us. And then that turns everything upside down from what we've been talking about for months, and means that I largely or at least 50/50 contributed to the downfall of this M, which means I'd have a different type of work to do than just accepting this is who he is and he didn't want to be M. I mean, it can't be both "this is all about him and not about me" but also "he is not to blame"...right??

[KGirl]

OK, I took some time to look at my earlier posts. Lately I've been writing about not understanding the "why" or his reasons for wanting a D. I didn't feel this way 6-12 months ago, so I was looking for what had changed. I think what's changed is that in the beginning of all this, I clung to and noted anything he said about why he wasn't unhappy and took it all very seriously (so the reasons "why" were more forefront in my mind). I think what's different is that I've now had enough time to either:
A) toss some of the reasons because they were things that I didn't think I needed to work on/were not problematic in my life (like him feeling like I didn't trust him enough... well, no, why would I? Or my expectations about chores.. I don't think they were unreasonable) OR
B) Really put work into the reasons I did think were valid. Problem is, he either didn't see them because we were NC, or when he did see them/acknowledge them, he said it wasn't enough and that nothing was going to change his mind.

So, I think where I've gotten stuck lately is that I've tossed or changed most of the original reasons, which left me with not a lot to work with and therefore wonder why were still heading to D? Maybe what I need to be telling myself is "he had reasons, but they were either things I worked hard to fix, or they were things that would have changed who I am at my core in ways that would have made me unhappy about myself."

My sister shared an article today about reasons why you should marry the "complicated" girl. Of course, there are a bunch of comments from guys at the bottom like "this is the type of girl you RUN from" so maybe guys don't actually like this (and it's a little oversimplistic), but this is who I am and I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm not simple and I'm not easy and maybe that was too much for H.




"An unevolved man or a boy will always want the simple girl. He doesn’t want to have to work hard for anything, especially not a relationship. He doesn’t want to be challenged or confronted.

But, a real man knows that by being with a complicated girl, he will be better for it. At times, this girl can be difficult, but he knows her intentions are good. With healthy communication, the relationship will become stronger.

This is the type of girl you should marry. You may think it’s not what you want, but you want her. The easy girl will never satisfy you. She will be sweet but uninspiring. She will always leave you wanting more.

Even stubborn Mr. Big came to realize he didn’t want it easy, and he ended up cheating on Natasha… with Carrie.

Complicated girls are creative and, at times, emotional. She may also have a touch of what some people call “crazy” or “b*tchy.” But, no one will love you better. No one will make love to you with as much passion.

No one will encourage you to follow your dreams. You will have many deep conversations with her that make you question your beliefs and ideas. She will outsmart you on many occasions. It won’t always be easy, but it will be more satisfying and always entertaining.

A simple girl has a simple mind. Things won’t be so hard when you are with this girl; it will be calm seas and smooth sailing. This is the type of girl you probably imagine yourself marrying, not the one who is opinionated and smart, who doesn’t always agree.

But, if you want to be the best you can be and expand your mind and capabilities, marry the complicated girl.

Marry the girl who tells you exactly what she expects and follows through.

Marry the girl who demands your respect.

Marry the girl who can talk politics, even if her opinions are different from yours.

Marry the girl whose eyes flicker with passion about a number of different subjects.

Marry the girl who won’t let you get away with slacking on your talents.

Marry the girl who pushes you to be better every day.

Marry the girl with whom you sometimes fight.

Marry the girl who is your equal or greater."

[KGirl]

^ I should note that I'm not advocating how this article was worded, nor that this is in any way the "right" way to be or that there's even a right or wrong thing (darn edit timeframes!!) Everyone's going to have people that are the right fit for them and that will look differently for everyone. That was just a good summary of how I'm feeling lately in terms of who I am and wanting to be more firm on my opinions/boundaries, and it's too bad that didn't fit with what H was looking for.