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RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) #2514763
12/07/14 02:13 PM
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Last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2510492&page=1

I didn't realize my thread was locked, time for a new one. I added RPP to the front because there's a newcomers with almost exact same title. (Welcome!)

I'm off to church, I'll post an update this afternoon. Hope everyone is GAL-ing like crazy this weekend. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515052
12/08/14 01:46 PM
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Good morning! I hope everyone had a busy and exciting weekend. smile

The weekend was a good one. Friday afternoon I went to D12's school basketball game, H got there about halftime (traffic was hideous, there were protests that gummed up traffic). We sat together and chatted. On the last play of the game, D12 turned her ankle and had to be carter off to the trainer. She got some ice and a wrap and then we loaded her into H's car since it was his weekend.

Friday night I went to a parents' association "parents night out" and had a good time. Saturday I baked cookies with D16, and went to a cookie exchange that she had with a community service organization she's in. I stayed and talked to the moms that were there. Saturday night I went to an installation banquet for a new collegiate chapter of my sorority and had a really good time. Some of these ladies are my oldest friends in this city, but I haven't seen them in a while. I met new alumnae friends and talked to parents of the collegiate girls as well as some of our national officers.

An interesting piece of this is that I spent a good deal of time talking to one dad in particular, and I noticed he wasn't wearing a wedding band and he spoke of his daughter's mother in past tense. My mind wandered to would I want to explore a relationship with this guy. The answer was yes, he seemed worth getting to know. It didn't happen, we didn't even flirt, and for all I know he's getting M next week, but the point is that it's the first time I've entertained the thought at all. It was nice.

Sunday was church, and then we went to breakfast and to get our Christmas tree. H brought the tree in the house and set it up and the next thing I know he's in the recliner watching football. Ummmm......you can go now. He stayed for a while, and then said something vague about leaving, to which I said "OK" but he didn't leave right away. Eventually he did, and then D12 and I went to our end of season basketball banquet for the team I was coaching. H picked her up after (still his weekend), and I went to a Christmas party.

The whole weekend was a lot of GAL-ing for me and it was fun. H had ample opportunities to ask me about any of these events, and didn't ask a single question about any of them. Not even to make idle conversation. Oh well......

Finally, just to address the Friday-afternoon fly on the wall discussion, let me say I appreciate bdub, labug, Betsey, raliced, and everyone else who chimes in on my thread and gives me different ways to look at things. As far as the holidays go, I break it down like this: my kids want us all to be together, mom, dad, and kids. I know this for a fact. So that leaves me with these choices
a) spend Christmas together and make my kids happy and H will want to come back
b)spend Christmas together and make my kids happy and it will make no difference to H
c) refuse to spend Christmas together and make my kids miserable and H will want to come back
d) refuse to spend Christmas together and make my kids miserable and it will make no difference to H

I was taught that on multiple choice tests, when I don't know the answer, I should start with eliminating the ones I know are not correct. And for me, that's C and D, making my kids miserable. Which leaves me with "spend Christmas together". So that's what I'm doing.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515056
12/08/14 02:04 PM
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Well - I'd say do A or B and don't give another thought about the affect on H.

Glad you had such a nice weekend


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: raliced] #2515063
12/08/14 02:22 PM
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Good for you, rpp.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: raliced] #2515093
12/08/14 03:12 PM
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Quote:
Well - I'd say do A or B and don't give another thought about the affect on H.


I second this one!

And, I, too, am glad you had a good weekend.

Things will be different a year from now, so you can make this up as you go. That way, nothing will be a knee jerk reaction to anything he does/doesn't do or says/doesn't say.

After all, how many of us know how we'll fee about anything in a year?


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2515112
12/08/14 04:34 PM
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Great insight from all. I am learning from this thread as much as anyone.
RPP I love the multiple choice analogy. I am going to apply that as often as I can in my D and in every day life.

Reading your talk about him in the chair to watch the game erased any doubt I had and cleared things up for me a lot.


M42 W40
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A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515116
12/08/14 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
Reading your talk about him in the chair to watch the game erased any doubt I had and cleared things up for me a lot.


That's funny, bdub. smile Let me put the nail in the coffin. My friends all kids each other hello and goodbye. Total strangers kiss each other hello and goodbye in this city, it's the culture. So, yesterday, I was kissing everyone in church at "the peace". Everyone gets a kiss on the cheek, H always got a quick kiss on the lips, even throughout this whole mess, until yesterday. He came up to me at the peace and I made sure to turn my head so he got the same cheeky kiss as everyone else. I did the same thing when he finally left yesterday. That's what feels right for now.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515125
12/08/14 05:28 PM
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Sounds like you got this!
I am still going to nag and question you though wink

Now, on to considering a relationship with the dad you were talking to.....


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D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515150
12/08/14 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
Now, on to considering a relationship with the dad you were talking to.....


Well.....there are a couple of problems here

1) He lives in another city, he was only here to visit his daughter. And although I picked up enough about him to track him down, that would be very stalker-ish of me, considering
2) The interest was all one-sided. He didn't show any sign that he had a thought of me past the end of the evening. No flirting, no touching, no casual inquiry into my marital status (I don't wear a ring). No asking where I work or indicating in any way that I was of any interest past dinner. I was just a way to pass the time in a room full of people he didn't know. And that's OK because
3) The significance of it was just to open my eyes that I can entertain the thought of moving on. And despite my dismayed post the other day, there are at least a few guys out there that I would consider. That's enough for now.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515166
12/08/14 07:06 PM
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So you did feel that little bit of "alive" ?
Not advocating you start dating. I was just wondering how it made you feel and what your thoughts were.
The first time someone flirted with me it flew right over my head. I had no idea what was happening until half an hour later.
I met a very nice woman a while back and we have gone out a few times. There is no future but it was / is so nice to go out and laugh and have fun and leave all of the responsibilities behind and put the rollercoaster of the shelf.
"someone actually IS interested in me"


M42 W40
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S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515234
12/08/14 09:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
So you did feel that little bit of "alive" ?
Not advocating you start dating. I was just wondering how it made you feel and what your thoughts were.


Yes, it made me feel a little alive smile. And it's recognition that there's more to RPP than being a mother and a wife and an employee. I'm a woman (outside of being a W), too, but that part has been ignored for a while. So it was fun to get a little feel for who that woman is, I've missed her



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515399
12/09/14 05:05 AM
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Good for you, RPP.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Jefe] #2515434
12/09/14 01:33 PM
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Journaling: back to piles of nothing. Picked up the girls after work/school, had dinner at home, quiet evening. I was planning to make a brief appearance at a Christmas party that was very close to my house, but the afternoon didn't go the way I had planned, I got home much later than I meant to, and D12 was tired and cranky from using crutches all day. So I stayed home and was happy to do so. Three nights out in a row is enough for me anyway.

A brief text exchange with H last night and this morning about some items D12 left at his house, and that was it.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515437
12/09/14 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted By: Underdog
(moved from Maybell's thread)
You know, it's pretty telling that you had the wherewithal to recognize back in college your former BF's limitations.


Betsey, why could I see this in my college bf and not in my H? Granted, H gave me so much more than college bf, but it still wasn't really what I needed and I knew it from the beginning.

I see a pattern in my M of accepting good enough to the detriment of great. Affection, sex, intimacy. I thought my M was so much better than my parents. I thought H was so much better than my college bf. And both of these are true. But why did I sell myself short? And does it matter, or do I just move on from here? I don't want to make this mistake again. Or are my expectations too high?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515445
12/09/14 02:16 PM
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I think its pretty common rpp. Person X meets "some" of my needs and doesn't repulse me so lets see where it goes.
I did pretty much the same thing you did. Right after college I met WAW and she was pretty, educated, employed and local.

I think right now is the perfect time to decide exactly what you want and DON'T want in a spouse.


M42 W40
T17
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BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515458
12/09/14 02:42 PM
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We're fixers, we think we can fix them. A little adjustment here, a little trimming there and Voila!

Then reality shows up. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515459
12/09/14 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: rppfl
Originally Posted By: bdub
Now, on to considering a relationship with the dad you were talking to.....


Well.....there are a couple of problems here

1) He lives in another city, he was only here to visit his daughter. And although I picked up enough about him to track him down, that would be very stalker-ish of me, considering
2) The interest was all one-sided. He didn't show any sign that he had a thought of me past the end of the evening. No flirting, no touching, no casual inquiry into my marital status (I don't wear a ring). No asking where I work or indicating in any way that I was of any interest past dinner. I was just a way to pass the time in a room full of people he didn't know. And that's OK because
3) The significance of it was just to open my eyes that I can entertain the thought of moving on. And despite my dismayed post the other day, there are at least a few guys out there that I would consider. That's enough for now.


rpp, you've got this. As you move forward and continue to unearth that woman you've been keeping underwraps, you will be a force to reckon with and I don't mean just by attracting a man. Truth be told, that's the easy part.

You've hidden your light under a barrel for far too long.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2515518
12/09/14 04:54 PM
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Amen, Bug!

rpp, I overlooked the red flags because I grew up with some fuzzy boundaries and interactions. Mine originated in my childhood, and I got them from my parents. I'm not saying that I blame them, but it was our modus operandi to accept people as they are and then try and save them. (ICK!) Then I read Melody Beatty and wound up in Al Anon and I made some headway there. But it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I really got the divine knock on the head.

After a split with my first BF post-D (it was traumatic as well), I scheduled an appointment with my psychic friend for some regression therapy. Before we could even get to that, I walked in the door and he yelled at me. "From here on out, YOU need to pay attention to those red flags and dump them when you see them. You can't fix them or encourage them to be different with you!" I definitely felt blindsided. He calmed down and at the end of my session, told me my assignment: to learn how to sever relationships that were not good for me. I didn't have to be an a*hole to do that. Just firm.

I've taken that assignment seriously since. And you know what? I still feel a little bit guilty about not giving people second chances, but hell. I'm 52. At my age, people just aren't going to be different because I wish them to be. It's healthy. And while I was uncomfortable about taking that extreme action, I could hear his words and I felt GREAT about not allowing the dysfunctional soul suckers in my life. Yee ha!

Something tells me you have a lot of dysfunctional people in your periphery. People who keep you down because it's comfortable for them. Have you ever noticed that misery DOES love company? The people who aren't motivated by change stay there. It's easier for them to complain than it is to change. You're not that way, and for awhile, it will be uncomfortable to take that stage. But you'll feel so much happier letting that light shine (as Bug said). Imagine yourself as a butterfly. Well, you are in the cocoon, and your time is coming. Are you gonna be a butterfly or a moth? grin

I'm putting money down on a beautiful butterfly.

Hugs, sweet pea.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2515572
12/09/14 06:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: Underdog
Something tells me you have a lot of dysfunctional people in your periphery.


Maybe......

I know that I have one fewer than I used to, and I'm not talking about H. I have/had a relationship that I never saw as dysfunctional until recently, a guy I've known since I was 15. It's been strictly a long-distance keep in touch by email thing for years, but there's a lot of history there and when I told him about BD things shifted. Two weeks ago, I cut it off. And it was the right thing to do. In retrospect, I should have ended it years ago. And I only bring that up as an example that I should reevaluate the people around me and why they are there and how I feel about them. While I'm cleaning house and getting new friends, I might as well do it right. smile

This weekend I felt the first stirrings of who I used to be coming back to life. I had my hair cut and lightened recently, and I've gotten a lot of compliments. Nice. But getting ready for my weekend events, there was no one at home to tell me I looked nice. And there was no one there to tell me I looked fat, either. So I told myself I looked good, and happily went off to my events.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515627
12/09/14 08:34 PM
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So, the most important person to you was there to tell you that you looked good!


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BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515660
12/09/14 09:51 PM
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^^^^^^^^^^^^

What he said! laugh


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515670
12/09/14 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
So, the most important person to you was there to tell you that you looked good!


Yes, and I will never again let a man dictate how I feel about how I look. I will gratefully receive a compliment, but any suggestions that I would be more worthy of love if I lost 10 lbs will land said man on the sidewalk.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515676
12/09/14 10:37 PM
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LOL, and after you push him over, you can always point out one of their flaws... like, "Wow, you could do something about that receding hair line." Or, "Have you ever thought whitening your teeth? Apparently, you drink too much coffee or soda." Or, "Your fingers are covered with unattractive hair. You'd look better with a good wax or some laser surgery." grin


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2515741
12/10/14 03:33 AM
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Originally Posted By: Underdog
LOL, and after you push him over, you can always point out one of their flaws... like, "Wow, you could do something about that receding hair line." Or, "Have you ever thought whitening your teeth? Apparently, you drink too much coffee or soda." Or, "Your fingers are covered with unattractive hair. You'd look better with a good wax or some laser surgery." grin


A great chuckle to end the day. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515845
12/10/14 03:02 PM
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Journaling: Last night was D12's holiday show at school, it was a lot of fun, and thank goodness she is in the chorus and could stand there with her crutches, instead of being, say, on the dance team.

H didn't come to the show, when I told him about it a couple weeks ago, he said he might not, but then never told me whether he could or not. And I didn't ask. No contact with H yesterday, other than a text "OK" from me in response to his text that he'd dropped something at the house yesterday morning when he picked up D12 for school.

So...life goes on. I usually send an e-mail Wednesdays about D12's schedule for the upcoming week, so I'll do that later. And.....life is good.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515866
12/10/14 03:40 PM
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Why send the email?


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515869
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After reading underdogs post I'm headed to the store to get Rogaine, teeth whitener, and hand hair remover wink


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T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515872
12/10/14 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
Why send the email?


H asked me to. I send one a week outlining D12's sports games, anything that H would need to know when D12 is with him, and ask him what days he can take her to school in the upcoming week. I am willing to exchange one email a week to be on the same page. It saves me a good deal of grief and frustration trying to decipher what's in his brain, I just spell it out for him, he responds with usually a yes, occasionally an issue we then can work out before it becomes a crisis. It's all business.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515874
12/10/14 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
After reading underdogs post I'm headed to the store to get Rogaine, teeth whitener, and hand hair remover wink


Better hurry! I think there might be a run on that stuff today. wink



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515876
12/10/14 03:53 PM
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Bdub,

I'm sitting here with my coffee and laughing my butt off. Thanks for that visual! I would only urge you to do that if you go out and tell a woman that she'd be more lovable if she'd lose weight! grin

Personally, I have always liked bald men. No combovers in my house! Be bald and proud! My cousin used to tell people that his baldness was because he used his brain so much, it burned the follicles right out of his head. That always tickled my funny bone. My brother was also bald--I loved kissing the top of his head. So is Mr. Clean. And I've had the hots for him for a looooonnnnnng time. Brown teeth? Not so much. wink And I'm a fan for all of us to do some landscaping. I don't also want a hairless man. He just can't look like Sasquatch. sick

How about we all "settle" for being imperfect and unlovable? I'd like to save Bdub a little money today. After all, it's Christmas. smile


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515885
12/10/14 04:06 PM
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rpp--I'll share what worked for me. Maybe it will help you too.

First, I added my XH's e-mail address to all of the lists that pertained to our kids' stuff. That way, he couldn't pretend he didn't get notices.

Even while we were still living together, I had a calendar on my fridge. So I put in appointments for the girls, activities, etc. and copied it and gave him the copy and any revisions that happened later. Every Sunday afternoon/evening, we'd go over what was happening that week. We'd divvy up appointments where we could. I think it helped both of us appreciate the spirit of cooperation from each other a little bit more. I've been poo-pooed here for doing that, but I've always known that I was the CEO of our house, along with the office manager and bookkeeping jobs. It worked for me. And it still does.

We don't have a scheduled talk anymore, but we still divvy up stuff that needs to be done for the girls.

It helped ME because I asked for more equity in time I had to spend away from work taking care of these things. I was able to discuss expectations (we both had them, though often they were hidden) and work out a plan. It wasn't that I was coddling him... I was merely asking for help and giving him all the chances I could to step up to be a true co-parent to his children. They deserved it. Before our separation, he did do some of the stuff. But it was an unspoken expectation that Betsey is the mom, and this is mom stuff. It was hard on me, particularly because my youngest is a special needs kiddo who had lots of medical issues and therapies in her early years. I just didn't want to do all the heavy lifting anymore. If he refused, well, then I'd have done all of it. But I'd have gone back to court and had the CS order revised to match the lack of involvement as well. It never even occurred to my XH that he could walk away from his responsibilities. Thank goodness. But then again, please know that I wasn't separated from him because of infidelity. Had that been in the midst, and some OP driving his ship, it might have been different.

At the very least, give him a shot. If he's a deadbeat anyway, he won't do it. But you can know in your heart that you've stepped up to make it possible. Then it's on him.

Anyhoo, I'll get off the podium now. I have to get some Christmas shopping done now. Online. At work. Before some people are irritated with me. Sometimes it's good to be the boss. wink


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2515935
12/10/14 05:28 PM
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I would never even think about telling a woman she would be more lovable if she lost 10 pounds. Physical attraction and looks are important, but only to an extent. PLUS I have more common sense than that.
Underdog, as I get older the hair on my head is going away and hair most everywhere else is coming in. I dont get it!!


M42 W40
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M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515939
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rpp if you want H to respect you and appreciate you more I think he first has to see what you do. I am guessing he has no idea how much goes into the schedules or how time consuming the running around is. I thought I did, but I learned very quickly I was wrong, and I took care of most of it when we lived together. I have neither the time nor the energy to make sure WAW knows where to be and at what time.
She is getting better about it, but still misses things on occasion. If she asks I give her the info. Other than that shes a big girl, she can handle it just like I do.
I know our sitches are different but I am just throwing the idea out there.


M42 W40
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M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2515994
12/10/14 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
I would never even think about telling a woman she would be more lovable if she lost 10 pounds.

Well, bdub, there's a really long history there, of H saying things to me that should have been unacceptable and my not only putting up with them, but measuring my value by them. It's not pretty on either side. I am sincerely glad that you wouldn't do this. smile

As far as the calendar goes, I'm happy with the way things are running now. I don't mind outlining things one time a week, and if the outline says "birthday party" and it's his weekend, then he takes and picks up. The only thing I had to do was tell him about it. It's working for me.

We aren't D, of course, but the way CS works here is number of overnights. It doesn't matter where the child has been during the day. So I could spend the day with her and run her around and then she spends the night with dad and I pick her up the next morning and run her around all day again. Counts for him. But I don't do that, H is pulling his 35% plus some because he takes her to school almost every day, even "my" days. It's more than he's ever done, quite frankly, and I'm happy with it.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2515998
12/10/14 07:49 PM
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Oh! And one more thing I forgot to say...... I was just at a brunch that the church staff gives for our volunteers each December, and I was having a good time talking to everyone, especially some of the older members. One lady and I were talking about "old times" , and she casually mentioned that she and her H had been separated 4 1/2 years at one point about 20 years ago. She had no idea of my sich, and I thought that was just encouraging. Four and a half years is a long time, and I don't know details about her story, but for those of you willing to wait, it's possible good things can happen.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516020
12/10/14 08:36 PM
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That's very encouraging, rppfl, and reminds me of what my IC told me.

He had clients where the W finally separated (and I think divorced) her H after he physically abused her, had an alcohol problem, etc. Bad stuff. Three years later they were back together. She spent those three years waiting and watching him, and I guess he was able to change into the man she needed.

Those kinds of stories give me hope because even though I've abused my W and had my share of EAs, I'm definitely committed to changing and being changed by God (I'm not sure if you're a believer or not). I know my W has a good heart and truly wants a happy M where she feels safe, and she also truly wants what's best for the boys. So your story and my IC's story give me hope that even though it may take a long time, if we make legitimate changes and if our wives are on the sidelines watching, good things can happen.


Me: 29 W: 29
S: 7 S: 4
M: 8
BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection)
D filed 10/14
Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: vertex] #2516259
12/11/14 01:30 PM
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Journaling: Last night was low-key and I'm glad, it was good to be home. A couple of texts with H about an event tonight he wants to take the girls to. I am slightly frustrated that he didn't address all my questions in the email from yesterday morning and now I'm going to have to go back and pin him down on a couple of things. But I will wait until the moment is right, I don't have to know right this minute.

In the past few days I've told two more people about the S. I tear up each time. And I don't even know why, it's not like I'm miserable about it, I'm actually enjoying my life right now. But I just can't tell anyone, not even the most basic fact that we are S, without tearing up. I honestly don't understand it.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516263
12/11/14 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: rppfl

In the past few days I've told two more people about the S. I tear up each time. And I don't even know why, it's not like I'm miserable about it, I'm actually enjoying my life right now. But I just can't tell anyone, not even the most basic fact that we are S, without tearing up. I honestly don't understand it.

rpp- you are not alone in this. Yesterday I called the garbage company to get the bill changed to my name only and I also told our pediatrician - and each time I said - "my husband and I are separated", I felt a swell of emotion. I think its totally natural - they are just words you never expected to say, even though we've had months to get used to it. I'm sure it gets better.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: raliced] #2516312
12/11/14 04:13 PM
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So....just got back from IC. We talked about "moving on". Not getting a D, just me getting a life apart from being a wife and mother. It's scary, I don't have any single friends, I don't have any good role models for how 40-something single women act. (The one that I know spends her time taking her X to court!) It's nothing different than what I've discussed here, it's just an area I feel stuck in right now. IC pointed out to me that all my GAL this past weekend, and she was pleased with it, was already in place, if you will. I was already part of the PA at D12's school, I was already a sorority member, I already had my job. And she suggested I need to push myself outside my current box. Again, all a re-hash of this board's eternal wisdom, but that's just where I'm bogged down right now.

We talked about Thanksgiving, and whether I enjoyed H's company. We talked about whether I miss him now that he's moved out. We talked about whether I think about our M in the future. We talked about if my life would actually be any different if the paper said we were D right now.

IC said she thought I had chosen well in picking H to have children with, that we were good parents, good business partners, but not necessarily what we need for the future. Interesting. I've seen myself as a failure, a failure for M him in the first place, a failure in making my M work out. The idea that it's OK to say that I did a good job picking out the father of my children but it's time to move on was novel. I'm not sure I buy into it, seems like that's a retro-active thing to get me off the hook, but I still like it when someone challenges me and makes me think.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516361
12/11/14 06:17 PM
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So.....I've been pondering this morning, how did I get to the point where my identity was so tied up in being a wife and mother? It wasn't the fact that I got married and gave birth, it was how I acted afterwards. I got myself invited into the right playgroup, I made my own baby food, I baked my own bread, I had the best-stocked arts and craft cabinet in the neighborhood. I made the best sugar cookie in the school, I was the homeroom mom, I was the Queen of Carpool, I attended every sporting event for every kid, I learned how to get a meal on the table when the loaves and fishes wouldn't have worked. I spent my weekends doing whatever H wanted, I attended every "wife" event I was supposed to (although I apparently never looked good, I looked fat wink ) I did a whole laundry list of things that I thought was making me a good wife and mom.

My challenge, then, is to act a different way. What actions do I need to take to define myself in a different way? Who do I want to be, and how does that person act? I don't know the answer, as I said earlier, I don't really have any role models for this. But suddenly it doesn't seem as hard as I thought it was.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516365
12/11/14 06:23 PM
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RPP,

We are always evolving and changing. Nothing is ever static.

Originally Posted By: rppfl
My challenge, then, is to act a different way. What actions do I need to take to define myself in a different way? Who do I want to be, and how does that person act? I don't know the answer, as I said earlier, I don't really have any role models for this. But suddenly it doesn't seem as hard as I thought it was.


You are a blank canvas. What would you like to see on it? What kinds of activities that you can do on your own and own it yourself? Take art classes? Enter baking competitions? What would you like for RRP to be when she grows up?

You are the paintbrush. Pick whatever colors strikes your fancy and put them up on the canvas.

Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516384
12/11/14 06:53 PM
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I like Wonka's visualization, rpp...

I think most of us find ourselves acting differently after motherhood. It changes us--forever. I don't know if I could (or even want to) go back to being the Betsey I was in my 20s. She had fun, was fun to be with, but she lacked the experience that the middle aged Betsey is happy to put to use. grin

BUT... there are aspects of that Betsey I'm trying to reincorporate: 1) be more willing to say yes; 2) be more willing to get out of my comfort zone; 3) when it's "me" time, act like an individual rather than a mom (this is *really* hard - especially when laundry calls), etc. I realize it's the holidays and not realistic, but maybe just do something for yourself that is in the self-care category? I've made an appointment for a massage next Wednesday...

Someone out there challenged me to write my own obit. I didn't sit down with a pen, but I thought about what I'd want it to say. I didn't even know where to start. What I *did* know, is that I didn't want it to say "she was a great employee" or even "she gave up things that gave her passion to make cookies for the bake sale". (BOOOOORRRRING)

If you were on your own with no responsibilities, what would you be doing to feed your soul?

When I figured out what I'd do if money weren't in the mix, one passion jumped out. So I started to create a vision of what I *could* do to get there - at least to do something on the side. And funny, I think in the process, I've created a job that actually could pay me to do it. How awesome is that? I first need to finish what I'm doing now so I can make that leap. Can't wait. But you can work toward it. You might or might not be surprised at what divine help you get once you give yourself permission to dream. cool


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Wonka] #2516633
12/12/14 02:13 PM
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Good morning! Yesterday was a good day. D16 had a different ride home from school, which freed me up to get to D12's basketball game on time. She didn't play, of course, she's still on crutches, but H came and we sat together and chatted. Afterwards, I helped him with some kid driving logistics. Later in the evening, H came over and put the lights on the Christmas tree. We always wait a couple of days for the tree branches to "fall out" from being bundled up before we decorate. It was his idea to come over last night and it was fine by me. The house looked good, I had a candle lit, Christmas music playing. It was relaxing. The girls and I will hang the ornaments this weekend. H got the cheeky kiss when he left. I look at him and see a friend I've known for 27 years, but there's no spark.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

You are a blank canvas. What would you like to see on it? What kinds of activities that you can do on your own and own it yourself? Take art classes? Enter baking competitions? What would you like for RRP to be when she grows up?


When I was a young thing and newly M, I had a 5-year plan. It involved finishing my M.Acc, passing the CPA, achieving a certain title at my work, and having my first baby. Check, check, check, and check. I've been drifting ever since. Baking cookies, driving carpool, etc. etc., all the things you already know about me. I don't have a plan anymore, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But I'm going to give that some serious thought this weekend. I feel like I'm just on the edge of something really good. That sounds crazy, how could I possibly feel so good about the next year when it may very well bring me a D, or at the least a lot of gut-wrenching work to piece back together a M. But I just do. Today anyway.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2516638
12/12/14 02:22 PM
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Losing your identity is a very common thing. I devoted my life to my boys and in the process forgot to be a husband and forgot who I was.
I dont want to go back to being the person (can't say man) I was at 20. My goal right now is to make sure I make a little time for me and that I get out of my comfort zone once a day. This is getting harder to do. Each time I step out of the box, it seems as if the box gets a little bigger.


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M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2516648
12/12/14 02:45 PM
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In the past few days I've told two more people about the S. I tear up each time. And I don't even know why, it's not like I'm miserable about it, I'm actually enjoying my life right now. But I just can't tell anyone, not even the most basic fact that we are S, without tearing up. I honestly don't understand

I can relate. Last night was S10's christmas program. I let S13 stay home. Dropped S10 off at his room and walked into the front of the gym. The sight of all of the "families" gathered to see the program was more than I could handle. I walked through the crowd aimlessly by myself for a few minutes and then walked out the back door and sat in my truck.
Not real proud of that but I learned a lesson and will NOT let it happen again. Sometimes we are not as strong as we would like to be.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2516650
12/12/14 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
In the past few days I've told two more people about the S. I tear up each time. And I don't even know why, it's not like I'm miserable about it, I'm actually enjoying my life right now. But I just can't tell anyone, not even the most basic fact that we are S, without tearing up. I honestly don't understand

I can relate. Last night was S10's christmas program. I let S13 stay home. Dropped S10 off at his room and walked into the front of the gym. The sight of all of the "families" gathered to see the program was more than I could handle. I walked through the crowd aimlessly by myself for a few minutes and then walked out the back door and sat in my truck.
Not real proud of that but I learned a lesson and will NOT let it happen again. Sometimes we are not as strong as we would like to be.


Sorry, bdub. But at least you learned something about yourself and how to avoid it in the future.

This is still kind of a mystery to me. I think I just still equate S with failure and social stigma, as if I'm being judged. And I think it's because I don't know many D people, and even fewer that are not in a R at all. It's fear of the unknown, maybe? Fear of being looked down on? Fear of being pitied?

I have not yet had to give a marital status to someone I didn't know. It will be interesting the first time I meet someone new and it comes up in the conversation. I've thought about what to say, and I can't lie and say I'm D, saying I'm S seems like too much information, so I've settled on M because it's true. And if anyone sticks around to get to know me, they would figure it out anyway. It's just that saying anything other than "happily married" never entered my mind.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516658
12/12/14 03:15 PM
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I was determined to never have that happen to me again. I had an hour to kill so instead of sulking about it I came up with a bunch of scenerios and creative ideas on how to handle them.
I apologized to S10 and he laughed and said it was ok, he didn't want to be there either. He then told me a funny story about his friend falling off the riser and we laughed and moved on.


It's emberassing rpp. I know what you are trying to say.
I worry about what people are thinking. I worry about the questions I will have to answer. I worry about being seen as a failure.

I can tell you this: I have encountered the questions and have somewhat openly talked about my sitch with others. Amazingly, not one single reaction from one single person has been as bad as I had imagined.
In my sitch, I started talking to the people I thought would handle it the best. I am to the point now I openly talk about "single" or "seperated" issues and I am not ashamed of it.
For example I was talking with a close co-worker about splitting the cell phone bill. A not-so-close co-worker (I don't like her at all)walked up and I continued talking. She chimed in with some good wisdom and advice I just may take.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2516664
12/12/14 03:40 PM
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"I feel like I'm just on the edge of something really good."

How great is that?

Usually our problems are only a fleeting thought to other people. They have their own dramas.

And those who might dwell or judge, how sad their lives must be, huh?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2516726
12/12/14 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Usually our problems are only a fleeting thought to other people. They have their own dramas.

And those who might dwell or judge, how sad their lives must be, huh?


OK, fair enough. I hope that's true.

I personally know plenty of gossipy women who would happily blame everything wrong in the world on a D. And maybe they all really do need to get a life.

I certainly need a wider circle of friends, without a doubt. Something to work on in my upcoming Best Year of My Life.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516801
12/12/14 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted By: rppfl

I think I just still equate S with failure and social stigma, as if I'm being judged.


I just heard someone on the radio say that failure is living a lie and that confronting and dealing with the truth is success. Funny how the right thing comes along at the right time



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2516981
12/13/14 04:10 PM
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A little journaling with nothing to say. No contact with H yesterday at all. The girls and I had a quiet evening at home, which is my preference on Friday nights. By the time the end of a busy week rolls around, I'm done.

This morning the girls and I decorated the tree, it's finished. I'm being a little petty, choosing not to hang certain ornaments because they are either related to our M, or to H specifically. I just don't want to look at them, and the girls didn't notice.

Today D12 and I are going to a basketball game with a friend and her mom and we'll make some cookie dough later. Both girls need to study for mid-terms, so the evening should be quiet. I have a long list of things to do while they are studying.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517064
12/14/14 12:22 AM
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We had a great time at the game, and the mom invited us to their family restaurant for a late lunch after. The food was amazing and it was nice to get to know the mom a little. The girls had a great time too

I had left my phone at home accidentally and when I got back there were two texts from H. Oops!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517079
12/14/14 01:51 AM
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Good grief! How can writing Christmas cards be hard? Such a dilemma on how to sign them. Ended up signing all five names like I always do, most people don't know anyway, don't want to spring it on them in a Christmas card. But I'm not writing cards to H's business partners, he can do that himself.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517148
12/14/14 02:24 PM
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My H earned a couple of brownie points in the friend department this morning. I woke up to a text giving me a heads up about the opening song at church. It's a song he wrote in the period before BD that he had already been seeing the duck for months, and taken off his wedding band. It talks about how love can overcome any obstacle. After BD, when they sang it in church for the first time, I realized how all this fit together, and I realized that the anniversary card he had given me a few weeks before BD had the same theme, love will overcome. I had to leave the service. During our One Big Conversation after BD, I told him how much it hurt me to sit in church and watch him stand on the same spot we took our wedding vows and hear him sing that love will win, knowing he had been with OW the day before. It had never occurred to him that it might. They haven't sung it since, but apparently are today, and that's what the text was about. But darn it, I"m running a little late this morning and will probably miss it!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517153
12/14/14 02:51 PM
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Wow, he's something else isn't he? smile

I saw a documentary last night and I won't go into the whole thing but it contained a discussion on forgiveness that was profound. I even looked up the transcript to read it again.

"To me, when I think of forgiving, it doesn't mean that you have forgotten what he's done. But it means that you have released unto God the one who has offended you. And you have given up your right to seek revenge. I place the situation in God's hands and just accept that this is the way it was. And I choose not to hold it against Charles because it really doesn't help me anything anyway."

"... I was so thankful to God that I don't need to make a judgment on his soul. And there was just a wash of peace. For me it was like unloading baggage. It was just like, "Wow. I don't need to deal with this. This is God's territory."

These people were parents speaking of a heinous crime but it takes the same forgiveness no matter the transgression, doesn't it?

Grace.

Have a wonderful day, rpp!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2517157
12/14/14 03:26 PM
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rpp, it's not that I think you need a sermon on forgiveness, it's that the story of your H's prideful ways called that to mind.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2517189
12/14/14 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
rpp, it's not that I think you need a sermon on forgiveness, it's that the story of your H's prideful ways called that to mind.



labug, I never question why you say the things you do. It has become obvious that God is using different pathways to speak to me, to say what I need to hear when I need to hear it. You are one.

Fourteen years ago, when I discovered that H had been emailing my best friend inappropriately, I was halfway through a book that saved my sanity. One point was that vengeance belongs to God, and I don't have to worry about it. He can do it up right in a way that I never could. That concept is something I've carried forward with me all these years.

I don't know that I've completely forgiven H for the A. Loyalty is huge for me. Huge. But I'm not seeking revenge and I'm not angry. I can be pleasant around him, and cooperate with him on kid and house things. That's a good place to be for now.

I feel like I'm done, but not in a spiteful way. I'm not trying to get away from him, don't want anything from him that I'm not entitled to, don't want to make his life with the duck hard, don't want to keep him from our kids. I'm just done. He's not who I want, and not especially because of the A and/or recent lies. Those are just the nail in the coffin. Granted, I never would have taken any action myself, but H did and so be it.

We have both agreed not to file for the 4 month S. And I will honor that. And I am also not willing to rock the boat right now to my financial detriment. So I will be patient. And continue to observe.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517369
12/15/14 01:28 PM
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Journaling:

So, I was a little late for church and missed the opening song. wink The girls didn't go with me yesterday, and so after church when H wanted to go to breakfast, I politely declined. He seemed surprised.

We had already planned to meet for coffee later in the afternoon to go over Christmas presents, and we did. When we had finalized the gift plans, we chatted a bit, smiled and laughed, then I said I needed to go. Later he texted me several times about kid calendar, about Christmas gifts, thanked me for the coffee, etc. Nothing earth shattering, all either business or chit chat.

The girls and I baked and decorated Christmas cookies after that, it was so nice all of us in the kitchen, Christmas music playing. We had dinner together after, and then D16's bf came over for a while. A very pleasant evening.

I feel a little bad reporting what a great weekend I had when so many people here seem like they are in such pain. Wishing everyone some holiday peace.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517386
12/15/14 02:19 PM
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rpp, this
Quote:
I feel like I'm done, but not in a spiteful way. I'm not trying to get away from him, don't want anything from him that I'm not entitled to, don't want to make his life with the duck hard, don't want to keep him from our kids. I'm just done. He's not who I want, and not especially because of the A and/or recent lies. Those are just the nail in the coffin. Granted, I never would have taken any action myself, but H did and so be it.

you have come so far.

I also think you're done.

On to continuing to excavate the real rpp. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2517394
12/15/14 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug

you have come so far.



Yes, I have. Thank you.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517442
12/15/14 04:30 PM
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Catching up :
Re: the christmas tree.... the boys and I put the tree in a whole new spot and decorated it very simply and very plain. We used lots of white lights, 2 different colors of plain ornaments and 3 other decorations. One ornament with each of names on it. It was almost a symbol of a new beginning. Our lives (and yours too) have changed forever.

I think you made the right choice on the cards.


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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2517447
12/15/14 04:39 PM
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We have both agreed not to file for the 4 month S. And I will honor that. And I am also not willing to rock the boat right now to my financial detriment. So I will be patient. And continue to observe.

You are doing a wonderful job of observing and making the best out of a bad situation.

Have you started to consider what life will be like if the worst happens? Will you be able to keep your home? Will you be willing and able to do co-parenting?


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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2517462
12/15/14 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
You are doing a wonderful job of observing and making the best out of a bad situation.
Thank you! smile


Originally Posted By: bdub

Have you started to consider what life will be like if the worst happens? Will you be able to keep your home? Will you be willing and able to do co-parenting?


My IC has pushed me in this department a little. Before H moved out, she made me articulate what exactly would be different about my children's lives. Not much. She has asked me to consider that someday I might be a great wife to someone else, a great daughter in law to someone else, maybe even a step-mom. She is not pushing D, she just asks me to think. And I really have a real sense that there is someone out there that will love me in a way that I haven't felt for a really, really long time. I'm not in a hurry for that, and I don't know if it's H or someone else, and I'm willing to wait and see what happens.

A few months ago I saw two different Ls. One said I should sell the house, one said I could totally keep it. I am not overly attached to this house, but I'd like to stay until D12 goes off to college. H is being rather financially generous at the moment, so there's a good chance we can make it work out for me to stay. There's a lot that remains to be seen in the financial department. I'm not going to do anything inflammatory.

I will say, though, that the meetings with the L convinced me that I'd be OK financially. I don't want to have a court fight, but even if it came down to it, there's a certain base level I can count on, and it's enough.

As far as co-parenting, I think we are nailing that right now. Things are going smoothly, H is doing his share and more, we are communicating well. We spend time as a family. I have a very small amount of heartburn with a few things he does, but they are so small they aren't worth mentioning to him at the moment.

Our current agreement is for D12 to be with H 35% (only overnights count). Plus takes her to school most days. I'm thinking about offering him one more week night with her, but I haven't brought that up. We also haven't talked about anything beyond the end of the S period, so no discussions about spring break or summer vacation.

Overall, I think it's going as smoothly as a S can. I don't have the drama that I see playing out with other people here, and I'm really grateful. I can live my life, enjoy my kids, I am not worrying about the power bill, H and I get along in a neighborly way. My life is pretty good. But I don't see R coming out of a relationship with a neighbor......



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517482
12/15/14 06:48 PM
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Be thankful you don't have the drama, trust me!

I think you are considering a lot of things that you may soon have to deal with.
How long have you been in this house? How many times have kids moved?

I am 100% keeping my house. It is all the boys have known and they even make comments like " its good to be home" and "when are we coming home?"
S13 was 2 when we moved and S10 was born a few months after we moved in.


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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2517491
12/15/14 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
How long have you been in this house? How many times have kids moved?


I am really glad you can keep your house.

We have been in this house 12 years, we moved right before D12 was born. She was the reason we needed a bigger house. S19 and D16 have moved just the one time. This house and our old house are seven blocks apart.

We live in a rather expensive neighborhood. If we didn't already live in it, we couldn't afford to live in it. wink So, I could sell this house, and then I'd have to move to a different neighborhood to be able to afford something else, and that neighborhood would be further away from the girls schools, and further away from my job. I'm not really interested in that right now, I drive plenty every day.

I am grateful that this has all unfolded slowly, that I've had time to get used to things, and I have time to consider what's coming and what's best. Really grateful.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517497
12/15/14 07:29 PM
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That being said, I would pay close attention to how your kids feel about the house. They have just had the rugged jerked out from under them. If you think about it, the only stability they have right now is that house.

FYI my house is the house I grew up in, bought it from the people that bought it from mom and dad. And it sits right next to most of the land we farm. I would have probably gone broke to be able to keep the house.


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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2517597
12/16/14 12:23 AM
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My H has caught a case of the "nices". Earlier this evening a pipe broke under the sink. I sent him a picture and asked if it was something I could fix. He (eventually) texted back, walked me through it. And then told me "good job". He for sure would not have said that in the 7 months between BD and S, and I'm having a hard time picturing that even pre-BD. Honestly, if he's this nice S, then I'm thinking it's worth it.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517599
12/16/14 12:26 AM
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smile long may it last.

The niceness, not the separation.

Last edited by Maybell; 12/16/14 12:26 AM.

Me42, H40
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A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Maybell] #2517601
12/16/14 12:32 AM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
smile long may it last.

The niceness, not the separation.


I am pretty sure they go together. And I pick nice.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517715
12/16/14 01:36 PM
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Journaling: H and I exchanged a few texts about the sink, about scheduling an extra band practice for this week (space scheduling is one of my job functions at work), about something he wants for Christmas (I asked the other day). This morning he sent an email asking for my input on what they should play for the Christmas Eve service.

He's texting me, he's emailing me, he's being really nice and polite. The man has become my BFF. Next thing you know he'll be asking me for R advice with the duck. Good grief.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517716
12/16/14 01:39 PM
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smile

The pressure's off.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2517727
12/16/14 02:10 PM
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Maybe he's changing rpp. How cool would it be if he could stay your bff AND come back to your M and be your H ?


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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2517745
12/16/14 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
How cool would it be if he could stay your bff AND come back to your M and be your H ?


Here's the kicker, bdub. I'm not sure I want that. I'm in an odd place right now. Lots to think about during the next three months.



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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517780
12/16/14 04:19 PM
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Question for everyone: right now H takes D12 every Thursday, plus every other Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. (D16 never goes over there, her choice.) I was thinking about offering an additional weekday, Wednesday on the weeks that he doesn't have the weekend. He has not asked for additional time. Is there any downside to offering that?



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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517788
12/16/14 04:42 PM
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Why are you offering?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2517792
12/16/14 04:49 PM
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Don't make it too complicated. D12's head will be spinning.


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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2517795
12/16/14 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Why are you offering?


For the sole purpose of playing nice and moving a little closer towards 50/50. No other reason.

H originally suggested 50/50 in the form of one week mom, one week dad. I said no, and countered with every other weekend, which really amounted to 2 days out of 14. He agreed. Later, but before the S, I offered our current schedule of 5 days out of 14. He agreed again. And that's what we've been doing for the past month, it is working well for both of us, and D12 is happy with it.

I'm just trying to keep in mind that he did originally propose 50/50 and inching towards that. If I were to propose it and he said no, then it would be no big deal to me. And D12 would never know.

Last edited by rppfl; 12/16/14 04:57 PM.


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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2517797
12/16/14 04:55 PM
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I think instead of worrying about an extra day with D12 I might look into working with D16. I know as a father, I would be pretty concerned if one of my children didn't / wouldn't visit.


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Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2517801
12/16/14 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub
I know as a father, I would be pretty concerned if one of my children didn't / wouldn't visit.


Yes, bdub, I would be concerned, too. But I'm not the father she won't visit. I'm the mom who refuses to get in the middle. She knows from my perspective that she is welcome to go over there and that I'll help her logistically. But she doesn't want to, and I'm not going to make her.

She doesn't want to visit H because she sees him as a guy who cheats on his wife and walked out on his kids. He created that and it's his to fix.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517805
12/16/14 05:24 PM
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I completely understand what you are saying. I sincerely hope they can mend fences and get that relationship back on track.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: bdub] #2517830
12/16/14 06:41 PM
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Sorry to jump in here but my WAW has my two Ds once a week and my two Ss won't go with her. My S16 and S20 say that she left them, W has told them both that I was. Of really the problem so both S believe she left for purely selfish reasons. I do not get involved only to assure them that their mum does love them

Not try to hijack just add my perspective. Take care. Rd

Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: rd500] #2517847
12/16/14 07:35 PM
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rd, always happy to have another perspective. I try to reassure D16 that her dad loves her, but I have to be careful not to over-do that.

I do think that they will eventually work things out.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517855
12/16/14 08:12 PM
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Rppfl I'm not so sure about the working out thing. My dad left when I was eleven and it's taken almost 35 years for us to reconsct My two S still live their mum and show it but they don't know who she is now and treat her quite off hand. I encourage them to interact with her , which they do but only to a point. My two Ds act like all is ok when W is here but they are very sad on the inside.

For me the WAS must have a mental blockage when it comes to their kids because my W was a great mum and now it's like she's a bad aunt

Take care. Rd

Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: rd500] #2517957
12/17/14 01:49 AM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
I'm not so sure about the working out thing. My dad left when I was eleven and it's taken almost 35 years for us to reconnect.


Wow, rd, I'm sorry that has worked out that way for you. I'm hoping that D16 and H work it out soon. She won't go over there, but she will do family things with him, and she talks to him if we are all together, although she has a sharp tongue (which she gets from him, ironically). I have even asked him to pick her up from or take her to places and she goes along with that. So I'm hopeful.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2517989
12/17/14 03:46 AM
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rpp- When I was a senior in High School, my best friend's dad had an affair that came to light in a particularly unfortunate way. He always wanted to save his marriage, but I remember there was a tense 3 or four months where no one knew what was going to happen. My friend forgave him fairly quickly and his wife finally decided after a couple of months to give him another shot. The last holdout was the 16 year old daughter. She took a long time. I think that may be a particularly tough age for this sort of thing between daughters and Dads - idealistic enough to still want to believe them perfect but old enough to really understand the weight of the betrayal.

I'm sure their relationship will improve.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: raliced] #2518071
12/17/14 01:14 PM
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Good morning! Nothing more to journal today. H and I exchanged a couple Christmas gift related texts, and later he told me that a mutual friend said "hi", they were out to dinner together. This morning he sent an email clarifying a calendar question I had yesterday, no need to respond.

My GAL this weekend is going to have to be getting ready for Christmas, I have a million things left to do. It's H's weekend with D12 but he asked me to take her on Friday night, so we are going to the Heat game. Other than that, I don't have anything special planned, but I know I'll be busy.

Last night my Ds were scrolling through our calendar app (Cozi) and they came upon a weekend in February where I had put that I'd be out of town. Honestly, I put that in there a few weeks ago so that H wouldn't ask me to swap weekends with him, it's Valentines day. I didn't actually have any plans. But the girls started going crazy and asking who I was going out of town with and asking if I had a bf. Ummmm.....no girls, I'm M, I don't have a bf. (H and I have a history of bad Valentine's Days, I mentioned one awful story here a while back, and I was totally jealous that he might actually treat someone else really nicely on Valentine's. Now I'm not sure I care, but it could also be fun to actually go out of town!)

I haven't said anything to either H or D12 about the extra day, I'll let that sit a while longer. The reason I'd bring it up to H now is that it would take him a few weeks to clear up his weeknight calendar, so he'd need some notice. But he's not pressing for more time, so I'll think on it a little more and maybe bring it up after Christmas.


Originally Posted By: raliced
I think that may be a particularly tough age for this sort of thing between daughters and Dads - idealistic enough to still want to believe them perfect but old enough to really understand the weight of the betrayal.


raliced, I think this is a pretty accurate assessment. D16 wanted dad to be her hero, and is crushed that he turned out to be human after all. And he crashed and burned in such a spectacular way, adultery, lies, betrayal, abandonment (her words). It's sad, but I think they will eventually be OK.

Finally (this has turned out to be long for someone with nothing to say), my birthday is in three weeks and I was thinking about throwing myself a little birthday party. Not call it that, just ask some friends to get together for no particular reason smile. I feel like I don't have all that many friends these days, so I'm going back and forth with myself like a middle-schooler, what if people don't come? Sigh......I have such a long way to go in the self confidence department.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2518086
12/17/14 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: rppfl
Originally Posted By: labug
Why are you offering?


For the sole purpose of playing nice and moving a little closer towards 50/50. No other reason.

H originally suggested 50/50 in the form of one week mom, one week dad. I said no, and countered with every other weekend, which really amounted to 2 days out of 14. He agreed. Later, but before the S, I offered our current schedule of 5 days out of 14. He agreed again. And that's what we've been doing for the past month, it is working well for both of us, and D12 is happy with it.

I'm just trying to keep in mind that he did originally propose 50/50 and inching towards that. If I were to propose it and he said no, then it would be no big deal to me. And D12 would never know.


Then offer it.

He should have 50/50.

16 yr olds are emotion driven to. the. max. At least most are and that goes for both sexes. His leaving her alone to figure it out is probably the best thing he could do for now.

We can control no one.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2518088
12/17/14 02:06 PM
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Why not ccall it a birthday party? My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and I have some friends who have been with me through the good and bad of life. Just a few. I said I want to get together to celebrate my birthday, no gifts just us being together, celebrating where we are today.

Some could make it, some couldn't. They loved the idea that I invited them to celebrate with me, "threw my own party."


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2518124
12/17/14 03:27 PM
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raliced, I think this is a pretty accurate assessment. D16 wanted dad to be her hero, and is crushed that he turned out to be human after all. And he crashed and burned in such a spectacular way, adultery, lies, betrayal, abandonment (her words). It's sad, but I think they will eventually be OK.

When 2 of our close friends found out the truth about what WAW was doing they had a very interesting reaction. Almost in unison they said to me that they were going to " hate the sin and love the sinner".
I am not yet capable of such compasion but hearing that has certainly caused me to stop and think about a lot of things.
Maybe D16 could benefit from these words.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2518190
12/17/14 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
My birthday was a couple of weeks ago


Happy Birthday, labug. smile smile smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2518214
12/17/14 06:57 PM
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Start Whining
H texted me just now and told me he was waiting on an email list I'd promised to send. I sent it last night. And then texted him and told him I'd sent it. So I sent him a screen shot of the text and he said, "oh yes I got that". And I asked him if I should resend the email and he said "I have it. No problem." Where's his brain? If this were a friend, I'd say the same thing. None of them are that ditzy. Well....maybe one.
End Whining



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2518421
12/18/14 01:25 PM
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Good morning, everyone. Nothing to report from RPP's Limbo Land. No more contact with H yesterday after the Christmas list texts. Home with the girls all evening, they are both studying for mid-terms. D16 has her last two today and then is out for winter break; D12 has her last two today but then still has school tomorrow. S19 has his last final tomorrow and then will be home. Yay for all my kiddos home! smile

I told D12 this morning that if she wanted to show me her room at dad's place, I'd come over after Christmas. So far I've refused to have anything to do with the place, didn't even want to hear about it. But I've had a change of heart and if it's important to her for me to see it, I'll go. It's part of my moving on process.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2518444
12/18/14 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: rppfl
Originally Posted By: labug
My birthday was a couple of weeks ago


Happy Birthday, labug. smile smile smile


Thanks!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2518504
12/18/14 05:07 PM
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Quote:
But I've had a change of heart and if it's important to her for me to see it, I'll go. It's part of my moving on process.


I'm so proud of you for getting here so quickly, rpp. This is so incredibly powerful, and it's just uplifting to see you defining who YOU are in this whole process. I'm a firm believer in what goes around, comes around. You will receive many times over for being this person.

There is something to be said (well, not enough said anyway) for accepting "what is". Whatever the situation, acceptance goes a long way toward detaching and creating a happy life. I'm not saying you have to like things, but acceptance is the very first step in creating the best "Plan B". Life is all about Plan B (or C or even Z, lol).

One of my friend's daughters is a year younger than my D20 and played volleyball with her. The family is delightful, and their D19 is the middle girl (of 3 girls) and was probably one of the most angry girls I've ever met. She was diagnosed at a young age with juvenile diabetes, and spent her entire childhood sabotaging herself because she didn't accept her diagnosis. Her mom spent most of the early childhood creating a lifestyle for the whole family that didn't exclude this kiddo, and she just wouldn't follow suit. Counseling, help from friends, nothing was working. Her mom was absolutely terrified of her going to college in Ohio (where she is).

Her senior year, she got really, really sick and wound up in the hospital. The doctor told her that she wouldn't be living long, and would start losing limbs and eyesight if she didn't change, and told her that it was her choice. I don't know if this was an epiphany or she just hit rock bottom, but she finally moved off the square extraordinarily quickly. She embraced a lifestyle of acceptance and decided to live with the disease rather than against it. And guess what? She is truly a happy kid now. I couldn't believe how different she was after she accepted "what is" and lived within the restraints of her blood sugar issues. She looks back now and wonders why she wasted so much time hating reality for the lousy draw of cards.

I can think of more than a handful of times where I fought "what is" as well. My teenage BF was an alcoholic, and I got some help when he asked me to go to his first AA meeting. The first step. It takes a lot of courage to do it.

You seem so much more at peace with the person you want to be. That giving heart you have is filled with love, so it holds no place for anger. Personally, rpp, I'm positive that you are one of the people here who are successes just because you are following your own path, by your design. Not living by default or by reacting to changes that others make. It's a blessing. It is also extremely emotionally healthy, BTW.

I think that many of us here (especially the moms) put a whole lot of importance on "things". Your D12's room at her dad is a place she will stay when she is with her dad. Nothing more, nothing less. It's no different if she showed you her camping tent. Yes, it represents that her parents are living apart. But that room isn't the cause.

BTW, I'm sorry it's taken me so long. I got back from my brother's funeral/burial Sunday night, and I've been feeling an emotional hangover since then. I haven't even really started my shopping. (I'm usually way done by now.) We've decided to make this a low key holiday and thank goodness, everyone feels the same way in my family. I was so spaced out that I even forgot to go get my D17 after school on Tuesday. I'm really glad my D20 is home - she's been really helpful. I hope you have a happy heart when they are all home with you this weekend!

Keep going, rpp. You're really cooking on gas right now. smile

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2518598
12/18/14 10:33 PM
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Rpp I have to agree with Betsey, you are so strong! Yours was one of the first threads I read when I joined here and you seem like a totally different person now, so confident and at peace. Well done!

Betsey - so sorry about what you're going through, no wonder you are emotional. Take care. x


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: stacey9] #2518602
12/18/14 11:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: stacey9
Rpp I have to agree with Betsey, you are so strong! Yours was one of the first threads I read when I joined here and you seem like a totally different person now, so confident and at peace. Well done!


Thank you Stacey. I was so lost in the beginning. I thought I had a great life, didn't see a thing coming. Right after BD I was operating from a place of fear. But once I identified the fears and faced them, things weren't so bad after all. It's the monster under the bed that disappears when you shine the flashlight under there. wink

I don't know what happens next, but it's going to be good stuff.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: Underdog] #2518609
12/18/14 11:34 PM
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Betsey, you and your family have been on my mind. I am sure you are exhausted in every way, and I hope you get some relaxing time with your daughters while they are out of school.


Originally Posted By: Underdog
I'm so proud of you for getting here so quickly, rpp.


Thanks for saying that. In some ways, I feel like accepting H's apartment is admitting I don't care where he lives. But.....right now I don't. I'm content with things just the way they are at the moment.

Today I talked on the phone to a friend of mine, we used to be really close when our older kids were all little and we did a lot of things as families and as couples. But as the kids got older I hadn't seen her as much. I told her H and I were S, she didn't know. Her response was interesting. She said that she had always thought of me as very independent, that she wasn't sure who had left who, that she wasn't really surprised, and she asked if anything was really all that different. I found her response intriguing. It painted me in a more powerful light than I had been seeing myself.


Originally Posted By: Underdog
She was diagnosed at a young age with juvenile diabetes,.


My D16 was diagnosed with T1D (juvenile diabetes) a few days after she turned 8. I am in fact terrified of her going to college. But she's been a big lesson in I can't change circumstances, I can't change people. At diagnosis, I would have traded places with my child in a heartbeat, taken the disease on myself in exchange for her health. But I couldn't. I had to learn to manage what had been dealt us. Big lesson in the "what is".


Originally Posted By: Underdog
You seem so much more at peace with the person you want to be. That giving heart you have is filled with love, so it holds no place for anger. Personally, rpp, I'm positive that you are one of the people here who are successes just because you are following your own path, by your design. .


Keep going, rpp. You're really cooking on gas right now. smile


I do feel at peace with who I am and who I want to be. I feel free now to find out who that RPP is, I felt like my M didn't allow her to be herself. I'm not blaming H for that, I own up to shoving myself aside. And it won't happen again.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2518750
12/19/14 01:55 PM
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Good morning! Yesterday afternoon D16 got her driver's license. Yay! Nothing with her is easy, and this process was a bear, I ended up hiring a driving instructor just to get myself out of the middle. And it was worth it.

Last night D12 was with H, and D16 went out with bf to celebrate the license, so I was home by myself. (Well, with a dog and two cats.) I wrapped some Christmas presents, and watched a movie on demand that I had been wanting to see. That's different for me, that I would actually take the time to watch something I wanted. Ha! Seems like such a small thing, but yet that's the truth. I don't watch a lot of tv anyway (no time!) and when I did it was just because I was trying to sit with H and so it was whatever he wanted.

It's H's weekend, but I'm taking D12 tonight because H asked me to. We are going to a basketball game. Fun.

Have a great day everyone!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2518806
12/19/14 04:29 PM
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What did you decide about the extra day for H with D12?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: labug] #2518821
12/19/14 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
What did you decide about the extra day for H with D12?


I decided to offer it to him. But I haven't yet. I will either add it to next week's calendar email or bring it up in person at Christmas. (Although it's hard to get a private conversation with three other people in the house. Talking in bed is not an option!)



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RPP: Blindsided and on my own (11) [Re: SunnyB] #2518823
12/19/14 05:13 PM
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This thread is approaching max, so please join me here while I have my Best Year Ever:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2518822&#Post2518822



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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