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#2512707 12/02/14 03:43 AM
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okjpc Offline OP
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I've only been visiting the forum for a couple of weeks now, but I haven't come across any stories about successful reconciliation after a WAS won't communicate at all. My DB coach has me "going dark" for a few weeks and it's taking all the discipline (and tears) that I have to not reach out one more time.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
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Stick to one thread until 100 posts

Their was a success story thread just posted and it links to some more try it.


Me-68, D36,S35
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okjpc Offline OP
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I'm sorry, Cadet. Still very unclear about the rules of this. I tried to find success stories, but am having difficulty with the SEARCH feature. This is all probably obvious stuff after being here a while - and I'll keep acquainting myself with the threads - but if anyone can help me find those resources, I'd appreciate it.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
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2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Originally Posted By: okjpc
I'm sorry, Cadet. Still very unclear about the rules of this. I tried to find success stories, but am having difficulty with the SEARCH feature. This is all probably obvious stuff after being here a while - and I'll keep acquainting myself with the threads - but if anyone can help me find those resources, I'd appreciate it.


I am a success story and of course a work in progress, (like most working marriages). I had a DB coach I believe was a Godsend for me. I did what she advised as closely as possible, and she never steered me wrong. Follow their advice if you understand it and if not, ASK them to clarify their advice AND to explain the reasons behind it.

That helped me navigate new issues a lot.

I hope you'll stay on one thread so we can follow you and help you. And do keep at this! Work this program b/c it DOES work.

LaBug, FaithfulHusband, DueInMay are 3 success stories off the top of my head. There are more AND btw, don't just define success as those who stayed married.

Div Busting is more like a program where you learn to love/save yourself first, and in that process, stop the co-dependent, negative patterns that hurt your marriage.

Your marriage may still end, but you will be a better, happier person regardless.

I believe that the odds are against most marriages in crisis today. But truly, your best chance at overcoming that, is here.

Keep on keeping on...you have read the books, correct? And you have a DB coach? Good! (I don't know your situation but reading the Five Love Languages is a good general book to read, IF you have already read the Db books).

So Do what they say, work the program and take solace in knowing 2 things.

1) you are NOT alone, and 2) you are doing what you can to save yourself and your marriage.

So stay the course and Be at peace.

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 12/03/14 07:07 AM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I am a success story and of course a work in progress, (like most working marriages).

Hey 25 you are listed in the success stories.
Here
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279040#Post2279040

Unfortunately only the last 3 links work and the others were purged.
You don't have those old ones laying around any wheres by any chance?

Anyways you have given wise wisdom as usual.

Okjpc I hope all these links can help you.
It actually takes quite a lot of work to put them together.

Knowledge is Power


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I also keep a list of success stories at the top of my threads. I plan to update it every time I start a new thread.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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okjpc Offline OP
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Thank you all! I have been looking at these threads for a couple of weeks, but there is so much here! I haven't yet found a story identical to my own, but it helps to read success stories. I am still holding out hope that my WAW will speak with me again. And my DB coach hasn't lost faith. But my IC and friends think I'm holding onto false hope.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
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Hi Ok,

I am a success story. I went full blown black out dark for a solid month right after bomb. No texts, no calls, nothing. I REALLY struggled and was in a constant state of panic. It was awful.

She eventually texted me about picking up her things from my place. I acted nice and happy. I remember I was a nervous wreck.

Then we went dark for another 2 weeks. Another text from her. More about getting her things and scheduling a time to pick them up. I was convinced it was over if she was making plans to get her things after this much time apart.

Dark for another week and another text from her. More friendly this time. We made small talk.

Eventually we started texting more often and I started testing the waters. I came here for advice every single time so I could get encouragement and pointers. Mach and Wonka were lifesavers for me.

We reconciled in July and things have been really good. I am a different person due to DB'ing. I approach issues differently now. In fact, she brings up getting married any time she can. I don't think we're ready for that yet but it definitely looks like a possibility down the road.

Patience is a virtue.

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I have to chime in here that although I have not yet "busted my divorce" (or, should I say "HIS divorce"), I do consider myself a success story in progress.

Why do I say that if my future is so uncertain?

It's because during this time that H has been off in la-la-self-centered land, I have tried to follow the principles presented on this board as much as possible.

I went from a crazy woman in the depths of a full-blown PTSD crisis after H's betrayal to one who is feeling centered and in control of herself. (Most days. :))

While you many be wondering..."Well, how can that help ME? I'm not interested in feeling better and more centered, I WANT MY SPOUSE BACK!" let me tell you, it's all the same thing.

Unless you can pull yourself together, work on what you need to, present a calm, upbeat demeanor around your WAS, and start moving forward with your OWN life, there is very little chance of your spouse seeing you as anyone other than the person they are so desperate to get away from.

I went from crying all the time, throwing up, not being able to eat or sleep, and feeling fear and despair on a regular basis, to someone who is actually HAPPY with her life, even as crappy as can be with my sitch.
I am choosing to be happy; I have made new friends, and new doors are opening for me. It's been a heck of a year.

Someone said "You don't grow when life is easy and you're content and happy, you grow when you're faced with adversity". Well, I have GROWN.
I have learned more about myself than I knew I could, worked on things I needed to work on. I KNOW that whoever is in my life in the future will benefit from that, even it that person doesn't turn out to be H.
------------------------------------------------------------------

If you read Thornton's comment above ^^^^ (Hi, Thorn, welcome back!) you'll see that he applied the DBing principles to his sitch. It wasn't easy for him to keep it together, but he did it.
He came here for support before he opened his mouth and inserted his foot. He was strong. His W saw that and no doubt that appealed to her.

All this "be really nice to them to make up for all the awful things they said you did to drive them into someone else's arms" is nonsense.

Unless, of course, you did exactly that. But most of the folks on here were pretty much blindsided by the "speech" and thought that things might be going through a rough patch, but never had an inkling that their spouse was on the last train out of the station.

So--working on ourselves and feeling better in a bad situation.
That's what we all have to do, never let them see us sweat.

As for my M...well, that is still unfolding.

I can say for certain that once I started following the advice I got here, things stopped deteriorating. We can now be around each other and have pleasant interactions and he has moved quite a bit closer to me. We are now having regular phone calls, some laughs, and at least he has not pushed to further his D agenda.

But like that little squirrel, he's really afraid, too. So I must keep calm and not spook him!

The other part is, as I come to the realization that I will be fine regardless of whether or not H is with me, this is also communicated to him. For WAW especially, they need to know that their LBH are strong men who are not going to crumble when life deals them a harsh blow.

I suspect most men want their wives to be strong as well.

Check back in another year and I'll have a better answer for you.



--(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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