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After researching online, I think she might be smoking pot. She is around a group that I've often seen smoking, so that is not really shocking. Just another factor I need to be aware of when interacting with her...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Sep 2014
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You know, I'm not a fan of any drugs but pot, meh.

My wife smoked pot once or twice before we got married when we used to host Monday night poker night.

It's not the end of the world and she's not likely to burn up $10,000 on a pot binge either.

My just be more indicative of the crowd she's hanging with.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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I have read thru your thread and I feel for you in your situation. I am very new here and not an expert, but I have been married 3 times and divorced in the past and am now married again and definitely for life. Experience may be the best teacher but not the most fun. I first got married when 19 yo with my pregnant 16 yo girlfriend - and we were actually married 9 years that turned out remarkably pretty well - in retrospect - but our own "youthful" activities of alcohol, some drug usage, and mutual infidelities could not be overcome at our own levels of immaturity back then. And I also was not a Christian Believer then, either. (BIG mistake on my part!)

Just some perceptions/questions here I have formed for your consideration. It just seems to me that you are much more mature than your wife, in so many ways. Is it possible she now actually thinks of you more as a "father figure" than a husband/romantic partner?

Is she acting more like a teenager wanting to escape her parent's "controlling" household than anything else? She just keeps repeating that she wants to leave and be free, right?

It would bother me greatly that she has renounced Christianity, as well. Again, this seems symptomatic of a rebellious child to me.

Also her drinking, partying, and pot-smoking (or other drug usage - maybe) is not an actual sign of maturity.

I would also "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" just emotionally regarding the fact that she may, indeed, already be having sex with other people. I would not myself merely assume that all of her talk about such desires was just a kind of "testing game". All those "blogs" she talks about reading are probably NOT blogs/forums like this one dedicated to actually repairing and saving marriages - which is why she is so surprised you have never really "blown up" and acted out yourself.

She is (probably) both happy and unhappy about that. Happy you didn't try to actually "punish her" verbally (or just kick her out, immediately) with all of that acute discomfort - but it also reinforces (again, perhaps) her thinking of you as merely an "unconditionally loving" father figure - rather than a "hot blooded" romantic male lead - whose actual applied love IS (and has to be) "conditional" on her own proper and reciprocal behaviors.

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UC, sorry for the hijack, but I wanted to hear more of justbob experiences being that he has been married 4 times.

Justbob,
If you find the time could you elaborate on what you've learned/felt in all your marriages that you wish you'd known from the start?

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Hi justbob, thanks for the post.

The immaturity, partying, renouncing Christianity, etc. is mostly a new set of behaviors for my W that has risen to the surface following her affair. Her parents are very upset about the sitch and disapproving (obviously) of her actions to continue in this negative behavior, so I do I think part of her agenda is that she is rebelling against their wishes.

I don't think she necessarily sees me as a father figure, but I think she believes having me out of her life will reduce the guilt and shame she feels from continuing down this path, and will leave her free to pursue other men with fewer consequences. I have made it abundantly clear to her that I am not her plan B for when that blows up in her face, and I will have a signed S agreement protecting myself and our home to that effect within a couple weeks.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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W is moving out on the 1st. We discussed the final distribution of assets and debt and reached an agreement we both can live with. I'll be working with the atty to draft up an agreement next week.

After her saying a couple days ago she was changing her approach to partying to keep a lower profile, W went to party at the strip club with her new group of friends last night. I can't wait to see her and her 18-year-old-frat-boy lifestyle move out of the house. She is going to live with some of her new party friends for a couple months then find her own place. She'll be boxing up and storing some stuff in the house until late January. She told me not to change the locks on the house since she still has stuff here, but I said that was going to be my choice as soon as she moves out and she would need to call or text me to schedule a time to come over to get her stuff.

The BGPs are starting to kick in as W is seeing her credit card balance grow from her undeservedly high lifestyle and the paychecks from the new job aren't coming when she expected them to.

W's two best (and only) supportive girlfriends are about to move out of state in the next couple months. Her former best girlfriend and maid of honor, who renounced her friendship with W based on her new lifestyle, is now pregnant with her first child. W doesn't have a clue. I talked with this friend and she was in tears about how sad it is that she no longer calls my W first with big news like this. She said she plans to call W to tell her before it becomes public on social media. Seems like everyone else's life is moving forward and W's has moved backwards 10 years. I'm sure these things will shock her when the chit-hits-the-fan (as Starsky often says) in the next couple months.

One point during our convo today W and I talked about what it would take to reconcile the M. She explained one of her friend's H cheated and she sees how stressful it is with her friend holding the A over his head, verifying his activities, and being paranoid constantly. W acknowledged reconciliation would take a lot of hard work to rebuild trust and she said plainly that she isn't willing to do what it would take to save our M. I know this is just what she feels now, but there is no guarantee her feelings will change.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 6
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Arcola,

Hi - Actually I posted (I think) a new thread in For Newcomers beginning my own story.

It is merely named "Hello" but I don't think it has passed moderation yet. I am here in this forum (I think) because my wife and I are in the process of "officially" joining the R. Catholic Church and we have both had to go thru the annulment process for our previous marriages. This has broken thru some old mental scabs and made me introspective. Perhaps just coincidentally I have watched a few movies recently ABOUT adultery and unfaithfulness - some that I have seen before - but find they are hitting me much more emotionally, right now.

Fiction is only fiction, of course - but fiction often encompasses/illustrates broader general human condition truths.

The number one truth I think I finally recognize is "I can't have my cake and eat it too. And you (no one) can't either." Unfortunately, this is a lesson that can NOT be emotionally taught to any other person - they can only learn it from their own experience, seems like.

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UpperCu,

I hope you've had a relatively good Thanksgiving considering the circumstances you're in right now.

My suggestion is to go FULL-ON LRT on your W by going pitch black. Don't initate anything or talk with W after she moves out. She needs to truly experience the loss of you as her H and best friend. She needs to hit rock bottom to realize the magnitude of her choice(s).

One poster did. Now he and his W have successfully reconciled. This poster's name is Thornton. You might want to read up on his thread in Newcomers, that is if it is still around.

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Thanks Wonka. Thanksgiving was great! Spent the time with friends on the holiday then my brother and a friend from back home came out to visit. We went out of town, had a good night out on the town and went camping one night.

I am giving W a ride to a friends house tonight so she can borrow their car. We're selling my vehicle and I'm going to drive W's newer vehicle as part of our S agreement. The deal on my vehicle will close tomorrow so she will be without wheels until she gets something else. She wanted to carpool with me but I think transportation is her problem now... She moves out tomorrow, and I plan to do as you suggested and go pitch black.

Thank you for your support. I'll check out Thornton's sitch.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Ride with W last night was pretty quiet. The few words she said were pretty snarky, but I had my spew jacket on and I didn't fight back. She complained that she had an awful weekend because she spent it alone packing up all her things. I acknowledged that it must have been difficult for her, and when she asked what I was thinking, I said we see the situation differently, but this is what she wants. She said she knows this is what she wants but that it is difficult because it is coming at such a high cost. I told her I care about her still and hope this makes her happy. She snapped that she won't be happy for a long time...

Last night she slept at her friends' house where she will be for the next couple months.

We have decided on what to have in our S agreement. Now I'll need to get with the atty to write it up. Cost is $1500... I want to kick that can down the road a bit if at all possible in case W comes back, but I know I need to proceed with getting things finalized to protect myself.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
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