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mandown Offline OP
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So, I thought I'd start a new thread. My old one didn't seem to be getting too much traffic.

1st thread

I have been struggling with DBing for the better part of 2 mos. I have my strong days and weak days. As time goes by, it has been getting easier to be stronger in certain areas of my whole sitch. Im not sure if Id call my W a WAW, given the fact that she is still in the family home.

A brief summary of the sitch: W has PA (now confirmed over), BDs, several weeks of emotional R talk, W wants to see other people, semi sure W is dating(confirmed nothing physical, unsure of EA), now in limbo/waiting, sporadic talks of S.

Im not sure I she would be considered a WAW, in a sense I guess she is because she WA from the R. But, she does not want to leave the family home.

There are several areas where I know I could improve on:

1. Emotional detachment. This is extremely hard for me, I was never soo needy until this all started. Fear of the unknown, fear of losing the woman I love, fear of losing my family, fear of being replaced is a constant battlefield in my head.
2. Limited unnecessary communication. We can still be cordial, playful, and semi normal at times. Convo usually revolves around how our days went, what the plans are for holidays, and just being goofy sometimes. I have made a huge step in not bombarding with texts in need of reassurance. Somedays, no texts at all.
3. GALing. This has been a rough spot for me. For the past month or so, I have been consumed with the new house, moving out of apt. So I havent really made time to GAL. Another big thing is, when I do have time, the W is going out or doing something after work(going to store, eating out, visiting friends), so I cannot. I try to spend time with my Ss as much as I can, be the best father I can be. In the past couple of weeks, I have been going to the gym in the evening to, in a way, avoid the W. It makes it easier for me to not be soo needy when I dont see her as much.
4. Snooping. Not nearly as bad as it has been in the beginning. There are times though, when I almost fall into it. Like looking at the bank statement with no intention of snooping, and red flags just pop up. Which in turn drives up my anxiety, swirling all sorts of doubts and questions in my head. Its a sort of I want to know what I dont want to know thing.
5. Anxiety. This has been a HUGE issue for me. When alone from time to time, my head starts to wander and the sitch crashes down on me like it started all over again. Bring on the tears and heartache! I start asking myself questions like; Why is she doing this? Does she not love me? Does she not care about her family? Will this fog ever end? I cannot live without here!
6. Mind reading. Different actions she takes or doesnt take cause me to read deeper into things. When I get in to my zoned in on my DBing efforts, these types of things cause me to waver and give in so to speak; When I think to myself do not say goodnight or I love you she says goodnight 1st. When she says I love you 1st, although I feel good about it, I over think it and wonder if she really does. When she is intimate with me, I wonderdoes she really want this? Or is she using it to keep me at bay? Overall, I find myself thinking, what can I do to make this better. Even though I KNOW that I cant do anything about it.

These things are all a work in progress. I have slowly, but surely have got better and enforcing the ideas behind DBing. I have a new found attitude towards this. In the beginning, nothing was showing any progress, not even the DB theory. So I was stuck in a rut of depression thinking nothing would work, my life is over yadda yadda yadda. But since Ive taken the DBing principles more seriously, things have SLOWLY started to move. I think the HARDEST thing for me right now is to try and ignore the fact that I love her soo damn much, and realize that I will be fine with or without here. MUCH easier said than done.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
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Here is some advice on how to get more replies.

To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.

Keep posting!

Last thing is the most important!


Me-68, D36,S35
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Okay, I'll respond, but you may not like what I have to say. DBing works. But you have not applied DBing. It doesn't work unless you actually do it. It is not about what you think should work......but doing what gets the right results. DBing is counterintuitive.

You have completely operated out of your own emotions. You aren't detached, and until you become detached, you will not be able to DB.

I don't usually encourage physical separation, however, some times it is needed in order for other things to happen. Maybe staying away from her physically would help you think better and get stronger emotionally. Unfortunately, you are teaching your son how a man responds to a woman when she is through with him........and it's not the role model he needs.

Have you been to a doctor about your anxiety? There is medication to help you. Do it immediately.

You aren't sure she's a WAW? Did you read the book? It is the attitude, what's in her heart.....and believe me, she has walked away in her heart. You need to get your head out of the sand and start dealing with the truth as it is.....not like you wish it was.

There is nothing attractive in a needy, emotionally attached man who has to be reassured by his W (who is doing another man). NOTHING!!! And forget about the fact she can have sex with you. It means nothing to her, except your body parts happen to be available.

You are doing things that drive her farther away.....if possible. What is wrong with you? Can't you see this behavior doesn't work for you? Stop it!

You have to help yourself, and that includes GAL. No excuses. Do you even have a life that is not tied to her in some way?

If snooping makes you worse emotionally with her, then do you know what you need to do?

You said nothing worked in the beginning, not even the DB.......but you can't claim if you don't use it.

Quote:
Mind reading. Different actions she takes or doesnt take cause me to read deeper into things. When I get in to my zoned in on my DBing efforts, these types of things cause me to waver and give in so to speak; When I think to myself do not say goodnight or I love you she says goodnight 1st. When she says I love you 1st, although I feel good about it, I over think it and wonder if she really does. When she is intimate with me, I wonderdoes she really want this? Or is she using it to keep me at bay? Overall, I find myself thinking, what can I do to make this better. Even though I KNOW that I cant do anything about it
.

Don't believe the ILY's, or put meaning to her saying goodnight first (OMG!), or that she tolerates sex with you. It means nothing! She is a WAW!

So now that that's cleared up, what is your next step? How about looking at the 37 rules. These are the actions you need to implement now.

Get legal advise and protect yourself financially. Seebwhat your rights as a father are in your staye. In other words, get your affairs in order now.....and don't wait around to see what she may do.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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RAI Offline
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Quote:
Here is some advice on how to get more replies.

To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.


Cadet,

Thanks for this advice. Wish I had seen it sooner - like 2 months ago!! I know most of it is common courtesy, but was not obvious to me until know. Can it be stickey'd somehwere prominent on the board for all newbies to see? Is it already?

Thanks again,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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job Offline
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Please pardon the hi-jack.

RAI, do you have a thread somewhere on the forum? If you don't, you may want to create one so that we can get to know you a little bit better, know your situation and try to provide advice/guidance to you. By creating your own thread, you'll be able to go back and follow your progress, etc.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Here is a link to my thread. I think I was in moderation for a while.

Just need support

I actually appreciate the hi-jack. I have a lot of questions.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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I'm no expert, but to me DBing boils down to this.

1. You have zero control over your WAW. Stop trying to fix her, you can't. She will eventually settle down either for or against th emarriage.

2. This is a marathon. You will find new reserves of strength and patience.

3. Detach and GAL immediately! That is vital for your survival whether your W comes back to you or not.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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mandown Offline OP
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Well, after a long time of trying to fix this on my own, listening but not hearing the advice of many others. I am back. Things have got worse. I have been beaten, battered and torn apart emotionally.

I have read DR. I've decide to double, even triple my efforts in DB'ing.

There have been a few developments since I last posted, I will elaborate more later.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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Ok so here's an update on my sitch:

I've discovered that she has been seeing other men. Prior to my "come to jesus" moment, I was a clingy, needy person who freaked out just like any other man would have. She says they are "just friends". Part of me believes it, but the other is very leary.

She tells me not to worry about her right now and that she cant change the way she feels. "I wish I could fix things, I really do. I'm not saying there is no chance, I just feel the way I feel right now."

She is currently living upstairs, while I stay downstairs in what was our room.

The new me has started a violent push towards detaching. No texts, no calls, no snooping, no checking up on her, and no following around like a puppy dog.

I need to do this for me, for my sanity at this point.

I'm devoting all my time to my kids and my gym! I am going to start reading "Hope for the Separated" then look to other books to help me through this.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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So the past few days have been a challenge. Her sis visited from Vegas and it's almost like we pretended like everything was ok. It was rough for me.

One night, she left her sister, my kids, and I home and didn't say where she was going....it was midnight. As part of my detachment practices, I just went to sleep and tried not to mull over the images of what she may be doing in my head.

Christmas was weird this year, for obvious reasons. S12 and I went to watch the Hobbit, great movie btw, and left W, S7 at home. Upon returning, i find her asleep downstairs in "my" room. I just went to sleep and didn't say a word.

I'm getting to the point to where im just about fed up with her leaving whenever she wants and disrespecting me, our kids, our marriage, and the family home.

I'm debating on aksing her to move out....as much as i dont want it. I fear it may be the only thing that can help both of us figure things out.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
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