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A Message from Michele
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Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 #2509227
11/20/14 04:55 PM
11/20/14 04:55 PM
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Previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2496690&page=all

I'm meeting with my W at lunch today to discuss separation agreement changes after consulting with an attorney earlier this week. We haven't spoken more than a few words this week as I've been extremely distant. After her 2 months of lies, binge drinking, excessive partying, late nights, and a strip club visit, I'm now working on the "after the LRT" approach.

I text her to schedule a time to talk and at first she wanted to wait another week to talk, then she suggested we discuss through text and email today, but I told her I would rather meet in person to talk or I can just have the attorney write up the agreement how I want it since she is so busy. She compromised.

Prayers appreciated.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509230
11/20/14 04:59 PM
11/20/14 04:59 PM
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You got it on the prayers, UC, but why *are* you meeting to talk about this, rather than just having the attys present it to her?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Starsky309] #2509249
11/20/14 05:40 PM
11/20/14 05:40 PM
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Hi Uppercut - I hope the meeting goes okay. Remember the useful DB phrases if you need them. I understand how you feel that way...I'll have to think about that etc..

Prayers from me too...

Toots.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Starsky309] #2509290
11/20/14 07:06 PM
11/20/14 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
You got it on the prayers, UC, but why *are* you meeting to talk about this, rather than just having the attys present it to her?


Too late now... Just got done discussing with W. Atty advised I could discuss with her or he could write a letter. I went with the cheaper option.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509296
11/20/14 07:18 PM
11/20/14 07:18 PM
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How'd it go?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Starsky309] #2509319
11/20/14 08:10 PM
11/20/14 08:10 PM
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Seems like I shook her tree, she wasn't expecting me to speak with an atty, but she isn't backing down from her waywardness.

I presented her with my proposed distribution of assets where she basically takes her new car with negative equity, her student loans, stuff bought with the stdt loans and some family heirlooms/antiques and I keep the house, my retirement accounts, my paid off truck, most everything in the house, our joint credit card debt, and no spousal support. She didn't like taking the underwater car, so I said "ok, atty suggested I do this plan or he thinks I have a good alienation of affection/criminal conversation case against OM."

She backed off and said "where do you want me to sign." The spewing started shortly after that though. "I can't believe you're threatening me!"

It seems OM doesn't know she has told me everything. She said he cheats on his GF all the time and makes up stories and he is prob sitting there thinking she is just doing the same. "Little does he know we are sitting here and you're talking about suing him." She said her actions are her fault and neither him nor me should be punished for her mistakes. I said "he knew you were married and made the choice to ruin our marriage too. I didn't want this and I don't want to go there but I have to do what is right to protect myself."

It ended with us looking each other deeply in the eyes and her saying "it's crazy how much a couple months can change everything"

I called her a nickname and she started crying. We left the restaurant and she said "keep in touch if you need me to sign anything."


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509350
11/20/14 09:23 PM
11/20/14 09:23 PM
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Jefe Offline
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Quote:
I have a good alienation of affection/criminal conversation case against OM."

I am not familiar with this. ^^^ Please enlighten me.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2509361
11/20/14 09:40 PM
11/20/14 09:40 PM
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Originally Posted By: Jefe
Quote:
I have a good alienation of affection/criminal conversation case against OM."

I am not familiar with this. ^^^ Please enlighten me.


It basically allows you to sue OM (or anyone who ruined your M) for damages for being a home wrecker. Atty advised the S agreement include a clause that would disallow my W from bringing the same type of suit against me. He said he sees it all the time where either party brings up false allegations after the S or D out of jealousy. Like if I were to start dating or marry someone else, W might allege a new GF was around before the S or D and I was the cheater. Look it up, there are 7 states with that law and it might affect you.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509369
11/20/14 09:54 PM
11/20/14 09:54 PM
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UC,

Ok, ok. I'll bite.

What are the "damages" if the suit is brought against the OM for marital/affection alienation? What will you get out of it should you decide to pursue the case?

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509371
11/20/14 10:02 PM
11/20/14 10:02 PM
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Interesting. And there's a criminal component to it as well? Who knew.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2509375
11/20/14 10:10 PM
11/20/14 10:10 PM
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Took you long enough Wonka. smile

Damages = Money. As determined by a jury. Basically in my sitch I would be arguing that I have lost W's earning potential.

Atty said it would cost me at least $10k in legal fees to even begin to pursue that avenue. "Hopefully" the award would cover my atty's fees...

He advised to use it as a bargaining chip for settlement and cautioned that it leaves me, OM, and W exposed to the drama of a prolonged jury trial. Not really how I want to spend my next 12 months.

Bringing the case forward would also probably destroy OM's and W's careers since they had the A on a work assignment... On a cloudier day maybe I would want that.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509378
11/20/14 10:13 PM
11/20/14 10:13 PM
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Thanks.

Is this really worth it?? Money-wise? Just so you feel better holding the Sword of Damocles over your W's throat with this perceived "threat"?

Who "wins"? I just don't agree with this approach at all.

Think about it.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2509379
11/20/14 10:14 PM
11/20/14 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted By: Jefe
Interesting. And there's a criminal component to it as well? Who knew.


Don't take your legal advice from me smile Have you been to an Atty Jefe?

He called it a "tort" - which to me means "old school law" but I'm not a lawyer. And I think it is actually a civil case, not criminal.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509390
11/20/14 10:33 PM
11/20/14 10:33 PM
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Nothing I would pursue, I just had no idea anything like that existed.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2509413
11/20/14 11:14 PM
11/20/14 11:14 PM
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Thanks.

Is this really worth it?? Money-wise? Just so you feel better holding the Sword of Damocles over your W's throat with this perceived "threat"?

Who "wins"? I just don't agree with this approach at all.

Think about it.

Please clarify, are you saying you think I should pursue damages from OM, or that I should give W a better deal without the "threat" of a lawsuit?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509414
11/20/14 11:15 PM
11/20/14 11:15 PM
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All I am suggesting is that you re-think the spousal alienation case against the OM. What is your goal, UC? Do you want to be the bigger person here taking the high road with class, grace, and dignity?

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2509423
11/20/14 11:35 PM
11/20/14 11:35 PM
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To be honest, I am feeling convicted about using that as a bargaining chip Wonka. I do not want my W fearing me, nor do I want to be the d!ck in this situation.

I think it may be too late to go back on that, but do you have any advice on making it right?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509425
11/20/14 11:37 PM
11/20/14 11:37 PM
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UC,

I can only imagine the conflicted emotions that are going through right now.

Do what you feel is right. Look within and you'll have your answer.

BTW, you are the attorney's BOSS. Not the other way around. You hired him, right? You call the shots. Sure, you can listen to legal advice. However, ultimately, it is YOU who is in the driver's seat.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2509441
11/21/14 12:45 AM
11/21/14 12:45 AM
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This whole thing struck me the same way. UC, you're young and have no kids. I'm guessing that neither W nor OM is sitting on bags of cash either. You could walk away from this pretty cleanly and just move on. The whole revenge thing really just holds you back in this painful situation longer. It's not good for you; it's not who you want to be.

Now as a bargaining chip to get W to sign off and exit quickly, maybe, but to actually invoke it would not be the high road.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: zew] #2509622
11/21/14 04:23 PM
11/21/14 04:23 PM
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UC,

Checking in on you. Please let us know what's up with you and how you're doing. smile

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2509672
11/21/14 06:23 PM
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I had counseling last night. The counselor helped me talk through my actions and figure out what I think is right, which is to back down on the more aggressive separation terms.

Wife got home at 5 AM last night/this morning, looks like she slept at a friends house. We talked more this morning and she broke down crying saying "I'm sure your attorney told you to threaten me with that and you would get whatever you want and he's right you can have whatever you want I'll sign anything. If you sue OM it will destroy my career, I don't care about him I care about myself. My career is all I have left now."

I apologized for making her feel threatened. And I told her I would like to put what we discussed and anymore separation talk on hold until after Thanksgiving.

She told me she wants me to be consistent and I told her I want her to be honest.

Convo ended with her in tears saying she is all alone, doesn't have support from anyone who knows about the affair to fall back on. I consoled her and said I know you're hurting and I'm hurting too. She said "it's all my fault, I'm sorry I'm hurting you. And you can believe what you want but I am not continuing the A with OM, I'm not in love with him, he isn't a part of my life. I'm not leaving you to be with him."


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509680
11/21/14 06:43 PM
11/21/14 06:43 PM
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UC,

It sounds like you have a good, solid IC to work with.

I also think it's the right thing to put the separation papers on the back burner for the time being to allow the pair of you to cool off. Hot heads do not go any where at all.

I hope you told her after the part about not continuing the affair that you're willing to work on the M as long as the OM is completely out of the picture. Not living in an open M is your boundary.

I do hope you will have the opportunity to say this to W at some point when you two are more calmer and be civil with each other.


Last edited by Wonka; 11/21/14 06:48 PM.
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2509878
11/22/14 06:02 AM
11/22/14 06:02 AM
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Had a chance to talk to W tonight in a calmer setting.

She said she feels like yesterday was a big deal for her and she is starting to shed parts of herself. Not sure to what extent she meant that, but she wasn't wearing her wedding ring today. That's a first.

I told her I was open to working on our M and discussing what got us here as long as OM isn't in the picture. She said "you don't get it, he is not in the picture and this is about me wanting to be alone, not about being with someone else. You still think this is about OM. I don't want there to be a WE or an US. Just a ME."

Ouch. That stung.

I responded "I am just saying the only context where I am open to working on our M is if he is completely out of the picture. I know your feelings about being alone are very real. I hear you loud and clear. I also realize that we are married right NOW. That means we can always get S or D, but right now we have the opportunity to learn from all the pain and difficulty we are going through."

She mentioned that she doesn't think we got where we are at all of a sudden, rather it was many small things. She doesn't think others can understand that and probably won't.

I addressed that statement and her feelings of wanting to be independent and free saying "I see how in our R you fought for our M early on. You made sure we never went to bed angry, that we resolved conflict quickly. You were also there for me when I started a new job a couple years ago. You had a lot going on in your life too, more than me, but you didn't complain. You stepped up and pushed me through it, all the while dealing with me complaining. Our life together became about me. We moved out of state for you to pursue your career, but this ended up being about me and my career. I was fortunate to be successful but that brought the spotlight on me and placed you in the shadow. I get that you feel like you're living in the shadow of my accomplishments, the house we have, the cars, everything is what I "provided" for you. No one realizes the great accomplishments you've made in your career, the hard work you put in. You've been unlucky compared to your close friend, but you know what, I think you will have just as many prospects as her in a few months. You have a lot going for you. You're a catch."

Silence. She said "I don't know how to communicate with you right now."

I didn't pry or plead for a response. I really didn't need one, I was just getting my feelings out there. We parted ways and went to our separate rooms for the night.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2509928
11/22/14 02:47 PM
11/22/14 02:47 PM
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UC,

Boy! What a tough talk with your W. Phew. That cannot be easy at all. I was glad to see that you two were able to have this talk fairly calmly.

Here are some pointers to keep in mind for the next time you have those types of discussions with W. I can see from my perch that you really didn't validate W and she just completely shut down as shown by her comment: "I don't know how to communicate with you right now."

You really didn't listen to W or validate HER thoughts. You went into a lecture mode. Do you now see this at all?

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I told her I was open to working on our M and discussing what got us here as long as OM isn't in the picture. She said "you don't get it, he is not in the picture and this is about me wanting to be alone, not about being with someone else. You still think this is about OM. I don't want there to be a WE or an US. Just a ME."


I am seeing a mixture of both entitlement and feelings of hopelessness. The entitlement part is where I think she wants to separate so she can feel that she's "single" and pursue OM for in her mind, she's no longer married. On the other hand, I can see that she's feeling overwhelmed and feeling utterly hopelessness over the years. My sense is that, like many WAWs, they loose their sense of identity in the M. Right or wrong, it is how she feels at the moment.

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I responded "I am just saying the only context where I am open to working on our M is if he is completely out of the picture. I know your feelings about being alone are very real. I hear you loud and clear. I also realize that we are married right NOW. That means we can always get S or D, but right now we have the opportunity to learn from all the pain and difficulty we are going through."


Why would you bring up S or D if that's not want you want?? I would never mention it ever again. You may feel that there's an opportunity to learn, but W is checked out and ins't interested at all. She's deep in pain and confused so her mind and heart space isn't open to "learning" so she wants out.

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
She mentioned that she doesn't think we got where we are at all of a sudden, rather it was many small things. She doesn't think others can understand that and probably won't.


Damn! This would have BEEN A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY for you to validate W and ask her open-ended questions. For example, "wow...I didn't realize this is how you saw things. What you have to say is important to me. Would you be willing to let me know what you meant by 'many small things'?" Then STFU and listen to her. Don't get defensive or argue with her version of small things.

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I addressed that statement and her feelings of wanting to be independent and free saying "I see how in our R you fought for our M early on. You made sure we never went to bed angry, that we resolved conflict quickly. You were also there for me when I started a new job a couple years ago. You had a lot going on in your life too, more than me, but you didn't complain. You stepped up and pushed me through it, all the while dealing with me complaining. Our life together became about me. We moved out of state for you to pursue your career, but this ended up being about me and my career. I was fortunate to be successful but that brought the spotlight on me and placed you in the shadow. I get that you feel like you're living in the shadow of my accomplishments, the house we have, the cars, everything is what I "provided" for you. No one realizes the great accomplishments you've made in your career, the hard work you put in. You've been unlucky compared to your close friend, but you know what, I think you will have just as many prospects as her in a few months. You have a lot going for you. You're a catch."


^^ That comes across as lecturing W. There's no real give or take. Just blah, blah, blah. Did you notice that W shut down right after this. It was all about what YOU thought or saw things. You just didn't hear W at all.

I think it would benefit you to get a refresher on the validation cheat sheet.

Validation: Cheat Sheet

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2510357
11/24/14 03:48 AM
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Thanks for sending the validation cheat sheet and for all of the pointers Wonka. I see how I have made her feel like her feelings are not valid. I'm realizing this was a major issue in our R, I often steam rolled her attempts at expressing her feelings to me. You would have made an excellent pre-Marital counselor laugh

W approached me today to talk about moving out. Her married friend is offering to let her stay with them.

I wish I could remember all of what she said, but I don't at the moment. But, she poured out a lot feelings and I used a lot of the suggested validating responses. The more I validated, the more she opened up.

To be honest, this way of talking felt REALLY awkward and unnatural. I know this will get easier; but I am seeing that for this to "work" I have to change how I think. I have to actually CARE about her feelings in order to not sound like a robot. I have always cared about her, but I don't think I've ever really given a damn about her feelings... Sorry W frown

W is still very concerned I might snap and decide to file a lawsuit against OM. I've told her I have no desire to drag her, him, and myself through an extensive legal process. She is not convinced, and I told her that I can understand why she feels like that, but I reiterated that I didn't want any of this and I am not going to be the one to drag her down, I know she is already in a tough place since all of her family and friends are giving her tough love right now.

I asked quite a few open ended questions and she gave me a lot of information, including how she wants to sleep around once we're separated, although she says she hasn't done that yet. At another point she talked about how upset she was at her brother because he has pretended to support her, but when she told him I might sue OM, he said "good, you deserve that, you're a slut."

She seemed to prefer the way her sole supportive friend described the sitch - not as an affair, but instead as "cheating multiple times." W seems to have convinced the friend she is over OM. Now THAT is some BullSh!t, IMHO.

So, the convo ended on a positive, if not weird and distasteful note for me. Before we parted ways, W asked me "how far away is XXXXX City from us?" I told her the answer, and immediately went to verify why she was asking this... Turns out one of her very attractive male childhood friends is visiting a nearby city. She has confided in him about the sitch.

I could have done without this next part, but too late now... As she was getting dressed up and putting on makeup, I confronted her about why she was visiting this friend. She blew up and said "How did you even know that??" and "I'm not visiting him until next week, and if I wanted to hook up with him, I would have done that anytime in the last 15 years!!! I am not interested in him that way, he is just a friend! I really don't see why you even care anymore. I want out of our M and you are so jealous!"

I can see now why MWD says no spying... I'd say it probably made matters worse. She was PISSED and declared that she was moving out and that we are OVER.

I wound up fessing to W that I had been monitoring her computer use. She asked for me to delete the program I installed from the computer. Kind of funny, as she stood behind me, she said "Oh wow I had seen something pop up from that program and didn't think anything of it." WTF? She is so naive...

Although this blew up, honestly, I don't think it ended being that bad. Sure, she says she is definitely moving out, but she has been saying that for a couple months. We wound up talking quite a bit more and W accused me of being obsessed with her, and I think I pretty clearly explained that I was not obsessed with her, but that I simply had ZERO trust for her and was acting to protect myself and fact-find in response to the months of lying. She seemed to actually respect why I was doing what I was doing and later apologized for calling me a stalker. I apologized for the spying and said "I understand if you don't see why I did what I felt I had to do, but I am hurting through this and I've been lied to so many times I don't know what to believe." She really seemed to get where I was coming from.

I think she is definitely going to move out and I don't blame her. And at this point, I'm ready for something to CHANGE. My personal boundaries have been crossed and she is consciously crossing them and TELLING me she intends to continue to cross them. She feels that she wants out, and I'm certainly not blocking the door.

I don't think my DBing journey is over, but its going to have to happen with her outside of our home, since she seems set on living out her dreams of promiscuity and proving her independence to the world. I am excited to see her BGPs kick in when she is living on her own. I know that her first paycheck is going to disappear into paying off her credit card bill.

I'm excited about some 180s and GAL's I have ahead: I'm applying to graduate school, I have a couple of ski trips planned with friends this winter, I am spending the holidays with friends, I just joined a basketball team through my church, have another IC session on the horizon, I have a big role in the Christmas service at my church, and I just bought a Bob Dylan best hits CD for $2 at Best Buy. Life is good!


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2510363
11/24/14 04:02 AM
11/24/14 04:02 AM
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Jefe Offline
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Wow, what an intense weekend you guys have had. Sounds like you made some real progress, UC in being able to "hear" your wife.

My wife moved out at the very beginning so, no your DB journey is most certainly not over if she moves out.

May I caution you on one comment you made. "Since she seems set on living out her dreams of promiscuity and proving her independence" I dont think she has dreams of promiscuity at all nor is it *proving* independence. I think it's just the very act of *being* independent that she's craving. Work on getting that thought out of your head. It will not serve you well later and will come out as a snark towards her.
She sounds a bit like my wife and I am such a dominant personality she just wants to be free. I am working as hard and as fast as I can to use my personality in a more positive manner for those that have to live around me.

Although she may be moving out, I see the lessons learned about communicating with her better to be a good thing.

Good job.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2510425
11/24/14 01:14 PM
11/24/14 01:14 PM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Thanks for the wise words Jefe. I can imagine learning that lesson was not easy.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2510445
11/24/14 02:31 PM
11/24/14 02:31 PM
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UC,

Yeah...I agree with Jefe that it was an intense convo. I could feel my shoulders tense up as I read your latest post. Phew!

I was happy to read that you used some validating techniques. Yeah, it can be awkward at first. With more practice, it'll get easier. Use it on your own family, co-workers, etc. It is not just for WAS.

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I asked quite a few open ended questions and she gave me a lot of information, including how she wants to sleep around once we're separated, although she says she hasn't done that yet. At another point she talked about how upset she was at her brother because he has pretended to support her, but when she told him I might sue OM, he said "good, you deserve that, you're a slut."


Let her family throw out truth darts to W. Yeah, she isn't liking it one bit at all! Too bad. As for her friend, W likes her because this friend is "supporting" her narrative and W will continue to surround herself with people who support her narrative.

That's why MWD says in her book that people outside of DB don't get it and constantly blare the siren of "D is the best option. Whatever makes you happy..." Rrriiiight.

I think you really hurt yourself with this:

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I wound up fessing to W that I had been monitoring her computer use. She asked for me to delete the program I installed from the computer. Kind of funny, as she stood behind me, she said "Oh wow I had seen something pop up from that program and didn't think anything of it." WTF? She is so naive...


That was something you NEED to keep in your back pocket. Now that she knows, she will do an even better job trying to cover her tracks. You've lost a very valuable tool. Don't do this ever again. I wonder what you hoped to achieve by showing your cards to W?

Let W move out. And be sure to install some firm boundaries:

-no talking about OM or sleeping around to your face
-cannot move back home until there's zero OM

I would suggest that you seek legal advice on the next steps to protect your financial and marital assets. I've seen far too many times the WAS go on a spending spree by raiding credit cards, the bank account, and whatnot.

It's important to protect yourself.

Meanwhile, you can still use validating techniques with W as appropriate. Show her a new way and it'll be a good contrast to the multiple OMs.

I really like your GAL activities, UC!

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2510709
11/25/14 02:42 AM
11/25/14 02:42 AM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Thanks Wonka. W asked me straight up what I had on the computer and I showed one of my cards to show her I was being open and honest with her. She already assumed I was "spying" so it was really no surprise to her. I have other reliable ways to gather Intel, so no worries there.

I've taken steps to protect myself: new bank account, moved money out of joint accounts, closed credit card with W on it. She took out a $10k student loan a few weeks after DDay and I talked her into moving the funds to her sole account so I didn't have any liability for the new debt. She already ran up one credit card, but I have spent joint money too where it would be beneficial to me. I'm getting the house, so you know, the house is getting A LOT of past due maintenance and updating right now. :-)

Tonight was surprising. W came home and told me that one of her career mentors told her that her name came up at an expo. He said that potential employers think she is "too pretty for her own good" and he advised that she needs to tone down her behavior. He said that word is getting around that her M is on the rocks and that is another red flag for employers. The cracks are beginning to show. W seemed concerned that OM might be talking...

W said "after hearing all that, I am going to reconsider my approach for the next couple of months." She wouldn't elaborate on what this means but did say she will not be staying out as late, will be volunteering to be the DD more, and will dress more modestly at work functions.

Her career aspirations have her by the reigns! Too bad it seems she only is motivated to change where it is beneficial to her and her career.

I'm reading between the lines here, but the vibe I got was that W is rethinking S and D; or at least rethinking the timing of it all. It's like it just dawned on her that people might not want to hire a pretty party girl. In her words she is "an HR nightmare." Don't eff where you work!

On another note, I think my W is either crying often or she is on something that makes her eyes really watery. I am a bit inexperienced when it comes to drugs of any kind, but I know her friends smoke pot. I've found her googling Adderall several times too. She has lighters in her purse, but no cigarettes and never smells like smoke. Tonight I walked into the kitchen and she was scarfing down the leftovers I had just put in the fridge. I was like...uhh hey W. Are you okay? (She hasn't touched any food I've made or bought for the past week I assume to show me how independent she is). Maybe she is crying because she is sad and is eating because she is hungry. I dunno. I don't want to ignore the warning signs though. She has lost a bit of weight, she takes two showers a day where she used to take 3-4 showers per week, and she has stopped working out. Any advice from the street wise?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2510728
11/25/14 03:32 AM
11/25/14 03:32 AM
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Jefe Offline
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"Tonight was surprising. W came home and told me that one of her career mentors told her that her name came up at an expo. He said that potential employers think she is "too pretty for her own good" and he advised that she needs to tone down her behavior. He said that word is getting around that her M is on the rocks and that is another red flag for employers. The cracks are beginning to show. W seemed concerned that OM might be talking..."

Wow.

UC, I have zero advice for the potential drug use question. All of the symptoms you mentioned also go hand in hand with depression.

You keep doing your thing and let her figure out her's.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2510748
11/25/14 04:40 AM
11/25/14 04:40 AM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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After researching online, I think she might be smoking pot. She is around a group that I've often seen smoking, so that is not really shocking. Just another factor I need to be aware of when interacting with her...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2510750
11/25/14 04:45 AM
11/25/14 04:45 AM
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Jefe Offline
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You know, I'm not a fan of any drugs but pot, meh.

My wife smoked pot once or twice before we got married when we used to host Monday night poker night.

It's not the end of the world and she's not likely to burn up $10,000 on a pot binge either.

My just be more indicative of the crowd she's hanging with.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2511250
11/26/14 08:24 PM
11/26/14 08:24 PM
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I have read thru your thread and I feel for you in your situation. I am very new here and not an expert, but I have been married 3 times and divorced in the past and am now married again and definitely for life. Experience may be the best teacher but not the most fun. I first got married when 19 yo with my pregnant 16 yo girlfriend - and we were actually married 9 years that turned out remarkably pretty well - in retrospect - but our own "youthful" activities of alcohol, some drug usage, and mutual infidelities could not be overcome at our own levels of immaturity back then. And I also was not a Christian Believer then, either. (BIG mistake on my part!)

Just some perceptions/questions here I have formed for your consideration. It just seems to me that you are much more mature than your wife, in so many ways. Is it possible she now actually thinks of you more as a "father figure" than a husband/romantic partner?

Is she acting more like a teenager wanting to escape her parent's "controlling" household than anything else? She just keeps repeating that she wants to leave and be free, right?

It would bother me greatly that she has renounced Christianity, as well. Again, this seems symptomatic of a rebellious child to me.

Also her drinking, partying, and pot-smoking (or other drug usage - maybe) is not an actual sign of maturity.

I would also "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" just emotionally regarding the fact that she may, indeed, already be having sex with other people. I would not myself merely assume that all of her talk about such desires was just a kind of "testing game". All those "blogs" she talks about reading are probably NOT blogs/forums like this one dedicated to actually repairing and saving marriages - which is why she is so surprised you have never really "blown up" and acted out yourself.

She is (probably) both happy and unhappy about that. Happy you didn't try to actually "punish her" verbally (or just kick her out, immediately) with all of that acute discomfort - but it also reinforces (again, perhaps) her thinking of you as merely an "unconditionally loving" father figure - rather than a "hot blooded" romantic male lead - whose actual applied love IS (and has to be) "conditional" on her own proper and reciprocal behaviors.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: justbob] #2511394
11/27/14 06:53 AM
11/27/14 06:53 AM
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Arcola Offline
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UC, sorry for the hijack, but I wanted to hear more of justbob experiences being that he has been married 4 times.

Justbob,
If you find the time could you elaborate on what you've learned/felt in all your marriages that you wish you'd known from the start?

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Arcola] #2511412
11/27/14 11:12 AM
11/27/14 11:12 AM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Hi justbob, thanks for the post.

The immaturity, partying, renouncing Christianity, etc. is mostly a new set of behaviors for my W that has risen to the surface following her affair. Her parents are very upset about the sitch and disapproving (obviously) of her actions to continue in this negative behavior, so I do I think part of her agenda is that she is rebelling against their wishes.

I don't think she necessarily sees me as a father figure, but I think she believes having me out of her life will reduce the guilt and shame she feels from continuing down this path, and will leave her free to pursue other men with fewer consequences. I have made it abundantly clear to her that I am not her plan B for when that blows up in her face, and I will have a signed S agreement protecting myself and our home to that effect within a couple weeks.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2511414
11/27/14 11:55 AM
11/27/14 11:55 AM
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W is moving out on the 1st. We discussed the final distribution of assets and debt and reached an agreement we both can live with. I'll be working with the atty to draft up an agreement next week.

After her saying a couple days ago she was changing her approach to partying to keep a lower profile, W went to party at the strip club with her new group of friends last night. I can't wait to see her and her 18-year-old-frat-boy lifestyle move out of the house. She is going to live with some of her new party friends for a couple months then find her own place. She'll be boxing up and storing some stuff in the house until late January. She told me not to change the locks on the house since she still has stuff here, but I said that was going to be my choice as soon as she moves out and she would need to call or text me to schedule a time to come over to get her stuff.

The BGPs are starting to kick in as W is seeing her credit card balance grow from her undeservedly high lifestyle and the paychecks from the new job aren't coming when she expected them to.

W's two best (and only) supportive girlfriends are about to move out of state in the next couple months. Her former best girlfriend and maid of honor, who renounced her friendship with W based on her new lifestyle, is now pregnant with her first child. W doesn't have a clue. I talked with this friend and she was in tears about how sad it is that she no longer calls my W first with big news like this. She said she plans to call W to tell her before it becomes public on social media. Seems like everyone else's life is moving forward and W's has moved backwards 10 years. I'm sure these things will shock her when the chit-hits-the-fan (as Starsky often says) in the next couple months.

One point during our convo today W and I talked about what it would take to reconcile the M. She explained one of her friend's H cheated and she sees how stressful it is with her friend holding the A over his head, verifying his activities, and being paranoid constantly. W acknowledged reconciliation would take a lot of hard work to rebuild trust and she said plainly that she isn't willing to do what it would take to save our M. I know this is just what she feels now, but there is no guarantee her feelings will change.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Arcola] #2511474
11/27/14 04:22 PM
11/27/14 04:22 PM
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Arcola,

Hi - Actually I posted (I think) a new thread in For Newcomers beginning my own story.

It is merely named "Hello" but I don't think it has passed moderation yet. I am here in this forum (I think) because my wife and I are in the process of "officially" joining the R. Catholic Church and we have both had to go thru the annulment process for our previous marriages. This has broken thru some old mental scabs and made me introspective. Perhaps just coincidentally I have watched a few movies recently ABOUT adultery and unfaithfulness - some that I have seen before - but find they are hitting me much more emotionally, right now.

Fiction is only fiction, of course - but fiction often encompasses/illustrates broader general human condition truths.

The number one truth I think I finally recognize is "I can't have my cake and eat it too. And you (no one) can't either." Unfortunately, this is a lesson that can NOT be emotionally taught to any other person - they can only learn it from their own experience, seems like.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2512014
11/29/14 08:00 PM
11/29/14 08:00 PM
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UpperCu,

I hope you've had a relatively good Thanksgiving considering the circumstances you're in right now.

My suggestion is to go FULL-ON LRT on your W by going pitch black. Don't initate anything or talk with W after she moves out. She needs to truly experience the loss of you as her H and best friend. She needs to hit rock bottom to realize the magnitude of her choice(s).

One poster did. Now he and his W have successfully reconciled. This poster's name is Thornton. You might want to read up on his thread in Newcomers, that is if it is still around.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2512358
11/30/14 10:21 PM
11/30/14 10:21 PM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Thanks Wonka. Thanksgiving was great! Spent the time with friends on the holiday then my brother and a friend from back home came out to visit. We went out of town, had a good night out on the town and went camping one night.

I am giving W a ride to a friends house tonight so she can borrow their car. We're selling my vehicle and I'm going to drive W's newer vehicle as part of our S agreement. The deal on my vehicle will close tomorrow so she will be without wheels until she gets something else. She wanted to carpool with me but I think transportation is her problem now... She moves out tomorrow, and I plan to do as you suggested and go pitch black.

Thank you for your support. I'll check out Thornton's sitch.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2512534
12/01/14 03:54 PM
12/01/14 03:54 PM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Ride with W last night was pretty quiet. The few words she said were pretty snarky, but I had my spew jacket on and I didn't fight back. She complained that she had an awful weekend because she spent it alone packing up all her things. I acknowledged that it must have been difficult for her, and when she asked what I was thinking, I said we see the situation differently, but this is what she wants. She said she knows this is what she wants but that it is difficult because it is coming at such a high cost. I told her I care about her still and hope this makes her happy. She snapped that she won't be happy for a long time...

Last night she slept at her friends' house where she will be for the next couple months.

We have decided on what to have in our S agreement. Now I'll need to get with the atty to write it up. Cost is $1500... I want to kick that can down the road a bit if at all possible in case W comes back, but I know I need to proceed with getting things finalized to protect myself.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2512544
12/01/14 04:24 PM
12/01/14 04:24 PM
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Wonka Offline
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UC,

I am sorry to read about this. Just let her go and do your thing. Yes, I think it is wise to proceed with drawing up a SA soon to protect your own financial interests.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2512572
12/01/14 06:29 PM
12/01/14 06:29 PM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Intel from a recent convo W had with one of her friends is worth a look...

"i'm leaving H because i stopped loving him the way he loved me. and i just wasn't in a place where i should be married. and, i wasn't acting like i was married. lots of problems."

Sounds like we didn't have "lots of problems," apart from the fact that her feelings changed and she is chasing them wherever they will lead her.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2512578
12/01/14 06:58 PM
12/01/14 06:58 PM
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Starsky, I may need your creativity on my next move.

I'm heeding to the advice to go pitch black and also proceed with the S agreement. W left her stuff at the house with plans to pick up in late January at her convenience. She also asked that the locks not be changed, but I told her that was up to me once she moved out and that if she were to visit she would need to call in advance to schedule a time that worked for me.

My plan, to avoid contact with W, is to have the attorney make all contact with W for the remaining items we need to be in contact regarding: transfer of cash for sold vehicle, her signing the S agreement, and I plan to move all her stuff to a storage unit and have the atty give her the key. Then when she calls or texts to freak out on me, no response, just darkness. Thoughts?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2512587
12/01/14 07:29 PM
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I agree. Having a trusted third party act as intermediary helps keep the emotions out of it, and helps protect your heart.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Starsky309] #2513239
12/03/14 03:18 PM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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W changed her name on one of her social media profiles back to her maiden name.

Here comes the publicity...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2513321
12/03/14 06:16 PM
12/03/14 06:16 PM
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Geez. So dumb. Like that erases everything.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2513476
12/03/14 11:20 PM
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CALLING STARSKY....could you please help out UC as he's asked for your guidance? Thanks much. smile

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2513641
12/04/14 02:17 PM
12/04/14 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
CALLING STARSKY....could you please help out UC as he's asked for your guidance? Thanks much. smile


I already answered him, above ?? confused


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Starsky309] #2514600
12/06/14 09:58 PM
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Hey UC,

How are you doing? What's happening with you lately?

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2514710
12/07/14 04:23 AM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Hey Wonka, thanks for checking in. I have been in the weeds at work this past week. Weekend has been good, a friend and I got a good workout in this morning and then we played some basketball this afternoon. We are planning to work out in the mornings a few times each week and we are on a church basketball team so games are starting up next week also. Had dinner with a few close friends tonight. I live a long way from my family so I'm fortunate that I have a great network of friends through my church.

I have had little contact with W, but the other day I did text her to coordinate a meeting with a mediator to discuss terms of our SA prior to meeting with the atty to draft the agreement. That's scheduled for Thursday of next week. She also had lost her credit card at the bar the other week so she has been checking in to see if it has shown up in the mailbox at the house.

I changed the locks on the house earlier this week. Have been too busy to deal with moving any of her stuff. I have been buying stuff for the house to replenish what W is taking: dishes, silverware, glasses, decorations, furniture, etc.

After next week she will be out of town for a month for school related training, a conference, and visiting family/friends for the holidays. She may cross paths with OM at some point during that time...

Basically just been focusing on myself and staying pretty dark. Life is good.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515095
12/08/14 03:15 PM
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Intel shows that W has NOT been in contact with OM, but that she has been thinking about him A LOT since she moved out. Seems like she is dealing with jealousy - she spends as much time looking up OM's girlfriend as she does looking up OM.

It appears I have also at least popped in her mind a few times the past week. She hasn't initiated any contact in the past week.

There could be other OMs, but I don't think so. The way she is obsessing about OM, I think I would be able to decipher a new OP.

I have a meeting scheduled with W and a mediator this week. I am thinking of canceling and rescheduling a solo visit without W. The mediator is a therapist and all I'm really wanting to meet with him about is to make sure we aren't overlooking anything major in the SA before taking it to the atty. Basically I want another unbiased set of eyes on our sitch before moving forward. Canceling could give me more info on where W is at and put the ball back in her court to initiate contact if she so desires. Thoughts?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515111
12/08/14 04:29 PM
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UC,

Originally Posted By: UpperCu

I have a meeting scheduled with W and a mediator this week. I am thinking of canceling and rescheduling a solo visit without W. The mediator is a therapist and all I'm really wanting to meet with him about is to make sure we aren't overlooking anything major in the SA before taking it to the atty. Basically I want another unbiased set of eyes on our sitch before moving forward. Canceling could give me more info on where W is at and put the ball back in her court to initiate contact if she so desires. Thoughts?


I think this would be worthwhile to explore. Do something different and monitor the results.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2515328
12/09/14 01:55 AM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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I'm on the low part of the roller coaster right now. Please pray for me.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515329
12/09/14 01:56 AM
12/09/14 01:56 AM
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UC,

Sending you positive vibes. I hope you're doing okay.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2515349
12/09/14 02:26 AM
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My PMA is in the toilet right now, so thanks for the quick reply Wonka.

Saw W at lunch today. I canceled the mediator appointment and text her to let her know. She asked if she could stop by sometime this week to pick some stuff up since we won't see each other at the appt. I told her I was pretty busy so I would prefer to just drop her stuff off. Maybe she wanted to hang out or something, I dunno. I feel like I really just want to push her away right now. It's too hard to see her.

When I did see her, she looked like crap. Tons of makeup and she looks like she isn't eating enough or working out anymore. She has always been fit and healthy. Now she looks fake, frail, and goopy. Woof.

She said she found a place to live after her temporary arrangement ends.

I didn't say much, but she brought up one of my GAL activities (playing basketball with my church) and she was surprised to hear that.

After we parted ways I went back to work and my day went downhill mentally. PMA was awful and I felt disgusted thinking about W.

I texted her telling her I wanted to move some of her stuff to a storage unit. She asked why I can't just wait a month until she is back from her holiday travels. I told her I am not trying to pressure her but I am thinking about getting roommates.

It's true, I have been thinking about getting roommates,but I guess I lied, I do want to pressure her to ACT. I feel like she moved out while leaving one foot (and a bunch of stuff) in the door.

What I really wanted to say is... I was a good husband and loved you and you found some stranger who apparently fits into your fantasy life and then you decided to leave me. This is really hard. I can't stand to feel this awful over and over again while you go about your merry way. I just want to move on with my life and never see you again.... Didn't say that, but that's how I'm feeling at the moment.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515352
12/09/14 02:36 AM
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((((UC))))

So sorry you are feeling really low. I get that. That feeling of being discarded so quickly for someone new and shiny is the worst feeling in the world.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2515371
12/09/14 03:22 AM
12/09/14 03:22 AM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Wonka, please teach me how to think like you. I'm feeling validated by your simple comment right now. smile

I often just think about how I feel and I'm probably steam rolling over my W's feelings.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515374
12/09/14 03:36 AM
12/09/14 03:36 AM
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UC,

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
Wonka, please teach me how to think like you.


Not sure about that as I am a woman and you're a man....not sure if I can teach a caveman how to think like me. wink grin

All kidding aside....

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I'm feeling validated by your simple comment right now. smile


It wasn't hard at all because I HAVE BEEN exactly where you are right now and I do remember that feeling all too well. It wasn't how I think, but how I felt in the first stages when Ms. Wonka left. Not the most pleasant feeling in the world for sure. shudder

In my case, I was away at my office all day when Ms. Wonka and presumably her family & the OW packed up the furniture at our marital home. No way in hell was I gonna hang around and see that unfold.

After I arrived back home at the end of my workday, I was greeted by my late beloved dog and I crashed into the bed wracked with sobs after walking through an almost half empty home.

Never want to live through that kind of trauma again.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2515378
12/09/14 03:47 AM
12/09/14 03:47 AM
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I'm so sorry UC. I wish I could offer some sort of help but I'm afraid I'm in the same boat as you my friend. Praying for you.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2515593
12/09/14 07:56 PM
12/09/14 07:56 PM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
UC,

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
Wonka, please teach me how to think like you.


Not sure about that as I am a woman and you're a man....not sure if I can teach a caveman how to think like me. wink grin

All kidding aside....

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I'm feeling validated by your simple comment right now. smile


It wasn't hard at all because I HAVE BEEN exactly where you are right now and I do remember that feeling all too well. It wasn't how I think, but how I felt in the first stages when Ms. Wonka left. Not the most pleasant feeling in the world for sure. shudder

In my case, I was away at my office all day when Ms. Wonka and presumably her family & the OW packed up the furniture at our marital home. No way in hell was I gonna hang around and see that unfold.

After I arrived back home at the end of my workday, I was greeted by my late beloved dog and I crashed into the bed wracked with sobs after walking through an almost half empty home.

Never want to live through that kind of trauma again.

Thanks for the insight Wonka. It couldn't have come at a better time. I see that W, my family, and my friends really cannot understand my side of things. They haven't gone through betrayal and pain like this before.

I fell asleep last night and W started texting me again. Here is our convo which picks up after I told her I would reconsider moving her things out before she is ready:

H, I just need consistency. A lot is changing, I'm doing the best I can do. I'm getting ready to leave, I'm packing, finding a car, finding a place to live, and the last thing I need is to move my stuff... Twice. So tell me what you need me to do. I thought we had agreed on something, but it appears that you had something else in mind...

You have a lot of big stuff going on. Sorry for not being sensitive to all of that

No problem. I get that you have your own life to deal with. I just really need some some follow through right now as I figure some stuff out. Do I need to come get all my stuff?

What's on your mind?

A lot. Everything is okay, as much as it can be right now, but I just really wasn't planning on moving my stuff until I had a place to move into in January.

If you're open to talking more about what's on your mind, I am open to listen. I care about how you feel W

I know you do H. And it's really cool that you are so compassionate right now, but I have to not rely on you for emotional support. It's hard enough moving on as it is... Ya know?

What I really need from you is your word. When we agree on something, I need you to be able to stand by it. If that's something you can't agree to right now. I understand. Just tell me what I need to do so I don't have to worry about it while I'm gone...

I leave this Sunday.


I get that it feels like nothing is stable right now. I'm looking for the rock bottom of all this too

Your things are okay as is, I see this is a tough time for you right now. I guess it really wasn't even worth mentioning. Let me know if you still need to stop by to grab anything before leaving Sunday

Ok, thank you. That helps a lot. Everything okay with you?

There are ups and downs. I'm glad to have such a good network of friends here

Yeah... I hear you on that. I'm so sorry for causing you pain...

Thanks W. That means a lot

Of course. I know we will both be okay... But it doesn't make it any easier right now.

Yup. It's certainly not as simple as it seems from the outside tho. There were years of rough roads leading up to this.

I can't imagine how difficult all this is for you right now. We are experiencing much different things.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515609
12/09/14 08:13 PM
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Good job on the text exchange, UC. Then pull back. It is up to W to decide when to get her stuff. Don't push it. It seems that you push because it is a painful reminder of what was between you and W so you want her stuff out of sight. Right or wrong?

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2515646
12/09/14 09:18 PM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Right. I push because I feel like I'm tied to a rope she is holding and don't like being tugged along. My gut reaction is to push her further away and cut off any control she has to protect myself. I love her and do want to reconcile, but I feel like I'm approaching many of my emotional limits in all this. :-/


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515697
12/10/14 12:25 AM
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UC,

I am going to show you a different way of looking at this:

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I push because I feel like I'm tied to a rope she is holding and don't like being tugged along.


Your wife doesn't have a rope nor is she holding on to one at all. It is the LBS who is holding on to an imaginary rope to the WAS. The choice is to continue holding on to the rope or dropping it. Detachment and GALing helps a long way in letting go of the rope. This is why we constantly hammer this point to newbies on the importance of GALing.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2515802
12/10/14 12:17 PM
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I've got GALing down pretty good now. I have a new workout routine, a solid group of friends, a pastor I meet with regularly, and a couple of fun trips planned with friends.

Detachment is harder for me. I feel like I'm afraid of moving on. W and I have such a history together that includes a big network of many mutual friends, our families go to the same church back at home, our moms are friends, etc. I guess I never imagined our M ending so in some sense I am in denial that this is actually happening.

What is the difference between detachment and moving on completely? I feel like I need to find that answer right now.

I hear you Wonka, she is running around doing her thing and I'm the one holding onto the rope being dragged behind her. I'll be thinking on this today.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515835
12/10/14 02:38 PM
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UpperCu

Some fun stuff on Edz thread about GAL. As you are a positive gal master would you mind chipping in please. Page 10

Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/10/14 02:39 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2515910
12/10/14 04:53 PM
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UC,

Sounds like you are doing good in the GAL department. smile

Originally Posted By: UpperCu
What is the difference between detachment and moving on completely? I feel like I need to find that answer right now.


Detachment: You are not emotionally or mentally chained to what a person does or does not do. Detachment means being loving from a distance and dropping the rope. What I mean by this, you are not being influenced or affected by W's words, actions, or behaviors or lack thereof. You still care about and even love the person. It could be a family member, friend, or spouse.

Moving On: It is a state of being that you are completely done with the situation/person and have completely closed the door on the experience. No looking back. One forges a new life or new experience. You appreciate the experience and have put it firmly under your belt. All of your focus and mental energy is on forging a new path forward for yourself.

Think way back to your high school or college when you had a girlfriend. You broke up and you moved on, right? How did that feel to you? That's what moving on really means.

This are my thoughts. I am sure others will chime in with their thoughts on the differences between detachment and moving on.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Wonka] #2515965
12/10/14 06:36 PM
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Thanks for that Wonka, because I was suffering from the same thought process as UC.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2515974
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For me detachment is kind of like loving a friend who has a spending problem.... you still love them but if they empty the bank account and don't have money for rent it doesn't effect your life.

That's how I looked at it. And that's how I continue to view H's life. What he does is up to him but I don't get involved.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: twinmom] #2516085
12/11/14 12:10 AM
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Detachment for me is to let go of the outcome and projecting active love. This is a 'pushing' movement from inside to the other person. Upperc not a 'pulling' one. You feel you are holding on to a rope when you are attached, the other is leading, but for me in detachment my higher power is using me to give away and loosen and I am capable of staying still. I project the active love from my tummy, it then is not my need or want but their care and love. The other does not need to know you are doing this but they can sense it.

For me Moving on is like saying goodbye to a favourite restaurant that has changed hands. It's the same building but the food etc is no longer on your menu. You remember the good stuff and release the bad.

Wonka says it better but this is how it feels to me.
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/11/14 12:12 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Vanilla] #2516140
12/11/14 02:13 AM
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
For me Moving on is like saying goodbye to a favourite restaurant that has changed hands. It's the same building but the food etc is no longer on your menu. You remember the good stuff and release the bad.
Vanilla, I quite like that image. No animus, just moving on.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: zew] #2516655
12/12/14 03:11 PM
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My grandparents and W's know about our S now. Her grandfather emailed me this morning offering his condolences and saying I'm welcome in their home anytime regardless of the outcome.

My grandfather called me and shared some sound advice, and recommended a book, which seems to be in line with DB principles. He inquired about the "why" and I acknowledged it involved someone else.

The more public this all becomes, and seeing W "not" change her attitude, I feel that D is more inevitable. Maybe this is the point where she breaks, or maybe it will cement her feelings, time will tell I guess.

Thanks all for the insight on detachment vs letting go. Very enlightening.

Last edited by Cristy; 12/18/14 08:38 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books or authors

UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2516787
12/12/14 09:12 PM
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W's grandmother text me as well...

"UC. Want you to know you are still part of us and still love you very much. Know we want you to come see us whenever you can or want to. I want to always be your Gram. Xoxo"


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2516788
12/12/14 09:15 PM
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Awwww, that's really sweet. smile


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2516790
12/12/14 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu
My grandparents and W's know about our S now. Her grandfather emailed me this morning offering his condolences and saying I'm welcome in their home anytime regardless of the outcome.

My grandfather called me and shared some sound advice, and recommended a book, Love Must Be Tough, which seems to be in line with DB principles. He inquired about the "why" and I acknowledged it involved someone else.


Tough stuff, UC. When my wife complained (SEETHED is more like it) about her telling her parents about her affair, I simply told her "I love and respect your parents too much to lie to them. I would NEVER lie to them."

Meanwhile, she was lying to them.

When we reconciled, there were two main things my wife said were a strong pull on her decision to come back to the marriage. One was that she missed me as her best friend; and two was the disapproval of our adult daughters and her parents was killing her.

FWIW. Exposure isn't advocated by MWD, but I would certainly never advocate anyone LIE, either, if asked by a beloved family member.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Starsky309] #2516821
12/12/14 11:04 PM
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I've been dancing that line a lot lately Starsky, and my feelings are in line with yours. I Haven't openly exposed the A, but those who ask the "do you think there is somebody else" or "why did she really leave" do not get less than the truth from me, although I do keep it to the point and don't expose the full details.

I've been all warm and fuzzy with all in W's family. I'm sure she is burning inside. She recently visited the grandmother quoted above, after the affair, and was saying she was annoyed that her Gram was raving about how amazing I am to all her friends in front of W - and I wasn't even there!

Intel shows she is stalking OM and his GF A LOT lately. I have a feeling her family won't be so accepting of OM if he ever does make it into the family... Especially if I take up the offers from her family to drop in from time to time.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2517882
12/16/14 09:54 PM
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Not much of an update on the sitch, but W is in fantasy land on one of her out of town projects this week. Thanks to student loans and having a part time student job she can continue to live it up. Sigh. Reality is coming soon for her though.

Probably won't see her for a month, although we might cross paths around Christmas when we are both back to our home town visiting family. Her dad is keeping in touch with me this week as well.

I've got a lot of GAL activities this week. Multiple things planned some nights and work is very busy. Taking it all one day at a time. This detachment thing is growing on me. Feeling waves of freedom - free from a partner who has been lying and deceiving me. Free from a complete lack of respect. Financial boost from paying for only one is starting to set in. There are some cute ladies around here too. smile

Hope you all are hanging in there!


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2518339
12/18/14 02:52 AM
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W broke the silence after 10 days of no contact. She text me asking about when a credit card is due which she agreed to begin paying on. I gave her the most recent statement last week so she has the info. She is out of town for the next month so I assume she didn't bring the bill with her. Durrrr.

Looks like she blocked me on one of the social media sites tonight too.

So she is thinking about me tonight, and they probably aren't good thoughts.

I dont plan to respond to this one.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2518452
12/18/14 03:02 PM
12/18/14 03:02 PM
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W text me again this morning after not getting a response last night. Here it is:

"H?"
"If texting is too weird, we can email? But this stuff has to get resolved."

I would normally respond with loads of information, but I'm trying to stay dark. Any thoughts?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2518478
12/18/14 04:04 PM
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Quote:
I would normally respond with loads of information, but I'm trying to stay dark. Any thoughts?


What does it accomplish by not answering?
It's not pursuit or showing weakness to answer a question about bills or a credit card...

Just make it short and to the point.. Tell her you have been busy and just now found the time to text back the information... It' fine to tell her you gave it to her last week, but not necessary......

Then go dark again... Please don't confuse being dark with being mean, rude or vindictive... Those certainly aren't attractive qualities in an emotionally mature, confident, busy man....

Good luck


Justin Credible
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2518499
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Could you just respond with:

Hi W. I gave you the statement for this last week. H


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Sotto] #2518507
12/18/14 05:11 PM
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Haven't responded and got another text:

"Upppppppper. Why am I getting the silent treatment? It's starting to worry me...."

Obviously she wasn't just texting about the credit card.

My guess is she's really thinking "is H still my plan B?"

Silence = NO I'm not your plan B. I'm busy and I'm moving on with my life.

My guess is the next text will consist of spew.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2518528
12/18/14 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu
W broke the silence after 10 days of no contact. She text me asking about when a credit card is due which she agreed to begin paying on. I gave her the most recent statement last week so she has the info. She is out of town for the next month so I assume she didn't bring the bill with her. Durrrr.

Looks like she blocked me on one of the social media sites tonight too.

So she is thinking about me tonight, and they probably aren't good thoughts.

I dont plan to respond to this one.



Good instincts. smirk


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Starsky309] #2519211
12/20/14 11:29 PM
12/20/14 11:29 PM
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I ended up texting my W back the other night to let her know I'd made a payment in the credit card she was asking about. I'd bought a plane ticket on it and told her I'd pay for that portion of the remaining balance.

She responded apologizing for pestering me and thanking me for the response.

Then while I was praying for her yesterday, she randomly text me about her holiday travel plans. Maybe it was an accident that she sent me that, as the text didn't really make sense as part of our credit card convo and I hadn't asked what she was up to. I didn't respond.

She has been on my mind a lot today and I've been praying for her and our sitch.

My prayer right now is this:

"Lord, thank you for the strength you've give me. I trust you are continuing to work in me to make me a strong, independent, and stable man. I trust that you are in W's face right now, confronting her on her sin, a place where I cannot and should not be right now. She is YOUR creation to work on and what I'm praying for is work only you can do. I know you work things according to your own plans and I submit the outcome of our sitch to you. You have heard my pleas for our M to be made whole again, for our R to be restored, and for W to have the strength and desire to keep her vows to me. But I know I'm going to be okay if that doesn't happen because you will provide for me what I need, even if it is something I cannot see now. I trust you will provide for me good things if I obey and rest in your comfort. Thank you father for the peace you lavish over me each day. Thank you for the beautiful aspects of life you have shown me over the past few months. I really was lost in my M and I now see that I CAN have an identity in you outside of my M, or inside my M, or in a new M, if that is your will. Please continue to carry me along through each day. I'm poor and needy and your word and your righteousness sustains me God."


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2519220
12/21/14 12:00 AM
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I will pray for you too.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: HeavyD] #2519458
12/22/14 02:17 AM
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Thanks NAJ.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2519666
12/22/14 06:41 PM
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In Jesus mighty name, i receive that prayer for my situation as well, Amen

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Rominique] #2520656
12/26/14 06:21 AM
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Made it through Christmas Day without contacting W. She was on my mind like crazy all day, but I'm staying dark right now, so I had to tough it out. W and I usually split Christmas eve/Christmas Day between both families. This year I just spent time with my mom and dad. Picked up a new hobby recently that my dad is also into - gun collecting/building. Spent the day target shooting and learning to build AR-15 rifles. Fun stuff!

Day was pretty good, but with W on my mind, and Intel revealing she has continued to stalk OM's profile online today, it hurt my PMA throughout most of the day. smirk But, as I write, it looks like W just recently looked up my mom online. Prob to see my moms pics of our day, and there is a good pic of my smiling face on the front of mom's page (W and I are no longer friends online)

And... there is now a morsel of hope that she had me on her mind too.

Baby steps.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2520694
12/26/14 03:07 PM
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UC, you need to ditch the Intel right now. I used to look at the joint checking account and cell phone logs (could only see calls not texts) multiple times per day. It didn't do anything but bring down my spirit. As long as she can't hurt you financially then not looking at this stuff will help you detach.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: twinmom] #2521621
12/30/14 05:25 AM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Calling Starsky!

I'm hijacking my own thread. MVG over in newcomers needs some help growing a spine and setting boundaries. WAW is meeting with attys & is threatening to file for D one month after DDay and she is in an active affair... Right up your alley.

Here he is: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2520174&page=2


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2521893
12/31/14 12:02 AM
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Hey UpperCut,
Finally read through your story. It's a tough one, because it's very hurtful if a person we love is moving to the "dark side". Part of growing up I guess and you got to have so much endurance, I can't even imagine.
I hope your new year will bring more happiness to you and I'll pray for your wife. And since recently I didn't pray in 20 years.

Regarding the drug use possibility:
It sounds like she's going through the things a teenager/young adult will go through.
I wouldn't over rate the pot use, it's for sure better than drinking. The adderall might have caused weight loss because you lose a lot of appetite. The pot will cause munchies on the other hand, and red eyes plus munchies is a clear sign she smoked weed but then you should be able to smell it at some point, or she's very smart covering it up.. Adderall is very bad for you, it's basically speed.
It's hard to give advice, seems like you are in a situation of a parent rather than a husband. If she is losing more weight be alert. Weight loss is a sign of using too much Adderall plus her mental issues and the stress too.
Just stay alert and if things get weirder seek some advice from an expert how to deal with this. Drugs can't be the solution, ever.
Speaking from experience, my own when I tried to figure out who I am wink


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Complex] #2522641
01/02/15 03:37 PM
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Thanks for the insight Complex. A blessing of separation is she is now out of sight, out of mind. When she was living in our house and coming home at 4 or 5am many nights, it affected me and I would lose sleep. My quality of life has gone up and I can focus on myself even more now.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2525664
01/11/15 04:23 AM
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W has been out of town for a month and returns this weekend. We hadn't talked in a couple weeks until yesterday when I sent her a text saying I hoped she was doing alright and that the insurance company would be calling to confirm she was being removed from our policies. She wished me well and said she would need to stop by to pick some things up when she gets back into town.

I've been on somewhat of a project binge getting things done over the holidays. House has been getting some much needed updates and maintenance. I also traded in her car and got myself a new truck this week; I had agreed to sell my old truck as part of our separation agreement and take on her car payment since she couldn't afford it.

I asked a friend who saw W over the holidays how she seemed. He said "honestly, I don't know because she was at the bars and out eating or shopping with my W the whole time. My W has been racking up cc debt left and right hanging out with your W. I really can't afford all that right now."

Wow, sounds like my W is really bringing others down at this point. Sad.

Been feeling down about W's lack of progress, but I feel like I'm learning, gradually, to let go of the outcome in all this. The sharp pain of loss of my best friend is kicking in now, as the hurt of the affair feels more like a dull pain now.

Played ball with the church team tonight and starting out as a leader in a new college group at church tomorrow. Next week is set to be pretty busy. I've started to make some travel plans for the next few months with friends and family also.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2525761
01/11/15 04:43 PM
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UC, are you familiar with this scripture and the prayer that's used from it?

Hosea 2:6-7


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2525867
01/12/15 12:05 AM
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UpperCu Offline OP
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I'm familiar with Hosea & Gomer, but not the specific passage & prayer you mention. Please share...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2525885
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Just Google this: Hosea 2:6-7
Multiple links of the prayer should show up starting at the bottom of the first page forward.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Jefe] #2526614
01/13/15 07:32 PM
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Thanks Jefe. That was a good read and some good prayers for LBSs.

W is back in town after her month of travel to visit friends, family, and attend a conference. She is texting me quite a bit trying to get things sorted out. She didn't bother to update her acct info for her student loan payout, so it went to our now closed joint checking account. Which means it won't go through. Durrr

She also does not appear to understand the concept of hiring an attorney... She seems to think my attorney is "our" attorney. We have a meeting with a mediator scheduled for next week. After which I will meet with my attorney to write up the agreement.

Not that surprising, but apparently the friends she is living with are moving to OM's home town and she is moving with them. So she is probably going to quit her job to be with these friends and (surprise) closer to OM and try to volunteer with OM's company. While living off financial aid money. Wow. Go W. That plan is guaranteed to blow up in her face. Especially since OM's boss was the one saying he didn't want to hire W because she would be an HR nightmare, being a young, attractive, recently divorced woman...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2526647
01/13/15 08:56 PM
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W landed a job working for OM's boss. So that's why she is moving... And that's why she is in a hurry to get things wrapped up with our separation.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2527759
01/16/15 12:11 PM
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W had not been in contact with OM for 4 months, I was able to verify that.

Intel shows they talked for an hour last night. Looks like the affair is back on.

W is going to OM's city today to look for apartments and a new car. Her new job starts there in 2 weeks. She and I were supposed to meet up Sunday to discuss S. Wonder if she will still show up.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2528173
01/17/15 05:47 AM
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Are you snooping?
If yes what are your reasons for that?
(Not an expert on this but someone asked me the same question in my stitch and its a legitimate question)


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Complex] #2528179
01/17/15 07:17 AM
01/17/15 07:17 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
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DaddyLongShanks Offline
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DaddyLongShanks  Offline
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Originally Posted By: Complex
Are you snooping?
If yes what are your reasons for that?
(Not an expert on this but someone asked me the same question in my stitch and its a legitimate question)


You can snoop to determine what you are up against and her state of mind in these events. How she is potraying you outside of your four walls. Many cheater will potray the betrayed in a horrible light. You won't know unless you check.

Also you can determine the games she's running and the things she is attracted to.

Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Complex] #2528196
01/17/15 12:23 PM
01/17/15 12:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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UpperCu  Offline OP
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Posts: 177
Yes on gathering Intel. Reason is to verify the truth. W has been lying about ending the affair with OM, and it is obvious she is arranging her life to be with him. She has been trying to get a job to work with him, now she is looking at apartments to move to his city.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2528218
01/17/15 02:22 PM
01/17/15 02:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu
Yes on gathering Intel. Reason is to verify the truth. W has been lying about ending the affair with OM, and it is obvious she is arranging her life to be with him. She has been trying to get a job to work with him, now she is looking at apartments to move to his city.


Sounds reasonable, and wise. Good job.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: Starsky309] #2528754
01/19/15 02:40 PM
01/19/15 02:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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UpperCu  Offline OP
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Intel shows W is with OM this weekend. I feel at this point I need to make it clear that I know she has resumed the affair and I am NOT okay with it.

Sent her the email below yesterday afternoon. Next contact I will initiate with her will be through atty.

Dear W,

I know you have resumed the affair with OM. I cannot support you in any way while you are blatantly disrespecting myself, our family, and our marriage.

I am canceling the appointment with the mediator. Your remaining things in the house will be moved to a storage unit.

Please mail copies of any income and tax documentation to the house as soon as you receive them throughout the year. I will notify you of any taxes owed in March or April of each year.

I am requesting that you pay off the entire balance, or refinance into your name, the credit card account you agreed to pay, within 30 days. I see that you have made a payment so you have all of the necessary information to manage this account as requested. If that is not done, I will be forced to proceed with any and all legal options available to me by law to protect myself from you and OM financially, and to recover any losses or damages inflicted on me as a result of his choice to interfere with our marriage.

W, this is not what I wanted, but I must protect myself from your and OM's actions. I am pursuing a divorce from you as quickly as possible. When you have an address, email it to me so things can be finalized with the divorce.

Sincerely,

H


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2 [Re: UpperCu] #2528794
01/19/15 05:21 PM
01/19/15 05:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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I'm sorry you are going thru this UC, but I do commend you on your swift and decisive action to protect yourself.

Hang in there,


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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