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We had a big convo tonight...

Tonight I called out my W for continuing to lie to me. I jumped on the computer to pull something up while she was in the bathroom. She didn't have a chance to delete anything or cover her tracks and she had Facebook up and was JUST looking up OM and his GF. I asked what she was doing looking him up since she has been telling me she is over him and he is out of the picture. She attempted to play it down as if it was harmless and since she wants to S it doesn't matter anyway who she looks up...

I told her this was deceitful and disrespectful as she is continuing this behavior in our house, using resources I paid for, etc. I am DONE with being lied to and disrespected every day.

She offered her phone for me to look through as proof she was being honest and had not contacted OM. I obliged and before looking I asked if OM's phone # was on there. She said "No" and I quickly found it hidden under a different name.

The convo calmed down and we wound up talking for several hours. I kept my composure throughout even though she attacked fiercely several times.

At one point she asked "what do you need from me right now?" and I said "the truth. just tell me the truth. I don't care if it is what you think I want to hear or frankly what it is, but I am tired of being disrespected and lied to every day." She conceded that was reasonable and proceeded to tell me many things... I asked her what she wanted from me and she said "you have been amazing throughout all of this. you have not blown up at me, you have been there to talk with me when I need someone, even though this is hurtful to you, and you are the person I am hurting the most, you are there for me."

She revealed to me why she was out until 4:30am last night... she was at a strip club and even got a lap dance from one of the strippers. WTF!!!

She also told me she bought a 2nd cell phone to contact OM recently but never followed through since she thought it didn't make sense to contact him right now.

W said the A has opened up what her sexuality means to her, where she previously had only had sex with one person (me), sex means something different now that she has had sex with two people.

She told me more details about the A and that the R with OM had ended with him saying he wouldn't contact her, but she could contact him if she wanted to. So she left it open ended with him. No wonder she is where she is at emotionally, she has simply put the A on "hold" and did not actually end it.

We proceeded to discuss separation and came up with a budget through the end of the year that would allow W to begin to pay towards expenses and allow her to move out of the house in January. We also discussed all of our major assets and who would get what. I will certainly not sign anything without review by an attorney, but we have settled on what I think is a reasonably fair plan for splitting assets and debt.

W had a few moments in this convo where she broke down in tears:

We discussed who would get the pets and we both agreed I would need to keep them since her career requires her to travel often. Also she brought up the idea of selling her diamond engagement ring. She stopped for a few moments and broke down in tears saying this was all coming to her in waves. The ring ended up on the list of items to sell...

I think W got the message I was sending: I am not your plan B, you are going down a path I am not okay with, I did not want any of this but I feel that I need to protect myself from who you have become. While I am your friend, I do not support the direction your life is headed and must separate myself from your dangerous and disrespectful behavior. I am ready for my life to get better.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
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UC,

You have handled this very well. Kudos and much respect.

But you guys sure do TALK A LOT. Your positions and boundaries are clear, and well-stated. It's time now for your ACTIONS to speak for you, and not 10,000-word diatribes.

Lead.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
UC,

You have handled this very well. Kudos and much respect.

But you guys sure do TALK A LOT. Your positions and boundaries are clear, and well-stated. It's time now for your ACTIONS to speak for you, and not 10,000-word diatribes.

Lead.



^^^^^^^^ this! It's time to act not talk.


Starsky


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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After we talked, W spent much of the evening looking up pics of OM and his GF, one of the things I asked her not to do while residing in our home. She spent a good deal of time also deleting pics of me, us together, my family, etc. on her Facebook. I think that is very petty, but it is indicative of her state of mind right now.

Starsky, you're right, words need to be backed up by actions at this point. I've read up on your sitch and see similarities between the stubbornness, vanity, blatant disrespect, etc of your W and mine. We've had some SSM issues as well. I'm feeling a level of frustration and being OVER the lies and disrespect that seems similar to what you may have been feeling when you filed.

I am weighing the decision between waiting another 45 days to begin S or filing for a "divorce from bed and board" to have W ejected from our home. In my state that seems to be a viable option. Would like to get her out of the house ASAP as the woman I married is gone. I am sick of the lies, 4:30am nights, and blatant disrespect.

In my state I also apparently have the ability to sue OM for "alienation of affection."

Have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow afternoon to discuss options. Hoping to learn a lot from that meeting.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Good deal, UC. You are to be commended for your thoroughness and ability to plan during some very difficult times, emotionally.

Not sure if these are "first consult is free" or not, but it wouldn't hurt to take 2-3 such meetings if you can.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Consultation with attorney went well. I'm very glad I went and have a good idea of my options and what leverage i have for asset/debt distribution.

Attorney is certainly not a DBer, but has personal experience with WAW and infidelity. Got 2 hours of convo for price of 1 hour.

At church, will check back in later.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Excellent. Pray for WISDOM, DISCERNMENT and CLARITY. All three will serve you well.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I'll be praying for you UC and for those three things as well.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Was hard to focus in church. My brain was jam packed trying to play out all the scenarios and digest the attorney's advice.

Thanks for the direction Starsky and prayers Jefe. I have knowledge now and you are right; wisdom, discernment, and clarity are much needed to turn knowledge into decisive and meaningful action.

My FIL was texting me asking about travel plans for Thanksgiving. We wound up talking on the phone for an hour this evening. W was planning to visit her family for Thanksgiving and apparently cancelled those plans today after an argument with her mother. I will be leaving town to visit my family and he seemed to suspect that since I was going to be gone that W was planning an escapade with OM... He is probably right on that.

I would be angry, but she is choosing to go down this self destructive path and I feel like that really is not my problem anymore. What is my problem is that I don't want her and OM hooking up in my house, or W clearing out all our possessions in my absence.

Only plan I can think of is to STAY in town to guard against the wayward one. I am willing to rearrange my holiday plans, which I can do at no cost, and some friends have invited me over for Thanksgiving already. I'm open to suggestions.

FIL also asked what I perceived of W's "mental state." I told him it seems that she has an alien brain. She is a completely different person. He agreed and said she is saying crazy things to him and MIL. MIL is getting tired of daily convos with W since she does not agree with W and W feels like she is entitled to her parents accepting her new way of life.

He said he is glad they are out of state because it is harder for her to continue down the path she is on since she can't just move in with them. Although he loves her, he thinks she needs this to be difficult. I couldn't agree more.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Uppercut

In terms of Thanksgiving, my feeling is that you should arrange whatever plans you will enjoy the most. Not ones that are defined by what your W may or may not be doing. I think if she wants to be wayward, she will be wayward whatever you might do.

I think the issue of protecting your house and possessions is a different thing, and I don't know on this one. How concerned are you that she might do something as dramatic as take all of your stuff? Maybe others on the forum might have some wise advice in this area....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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