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Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 #2506994
11/13/14 03:57 PM
11/13/14 03:57 PM
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Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Old here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2504477&page=6


Originally Posted By: Jefe 11/12/14
WOW, wife called to say thank you for something I did for her today and said: "Thank you for all you did today, you definitely made my day a whole lot better."

Very nice and completely unexpected.


Again wow, I just got a random text out of the blue that said: "Thanks for all you do."


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: Jefe] #2507019
11/13/14 05:04 PM
11/13/14 05:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
California US
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CaliGuy Offline
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Small positives ... just caught up on your sitch ... Jefe .. how are you detaching? Reading up I get the feel you are still completely emotionally ties to what you fill your head with, what W does, for your health you have to step back and take a breathe man .. Give it to God for a day, just focus on yourself .. start there.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: CaliGuy] #2507029
11/13/14 05:25 PM
11/13/14 05:25 PM
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Jefe Offline OP
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Yes, unfortunately. I get the negative thought train going and it effects my whole emotional outlook for the day. Then I get some stupid process going in a loop,and it will start to affect the way I interact with the wife on the small occasions that we communicate. Not good. I get worried about what I think I know and I get myself where I am this week. I've had maybe 10 hrs of sleep all week.

Now in my defense, this has been a really crazy week.

I am breathing today. And giving it to God.

Thank you CG.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: Jefe] #2507053
11/13/14 06:28 PM
11/13/14 06:28 PM
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Just a thought Jefe, but I have found meditating helpful. I'm slowly reading 'Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn, and meditating daily at the moment. Normally in the early morning when all is quiet. He has also done some CDs, and I got one on the App Store. All very soothing, and good for shifting the focus from external - worrying about H/W/sitch - to internal....looking after you..

Last edited by Toots; 11/13/14 06:28 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: Sotto] #2507110
11/13/14 10:30 PM
11/13/14 10:30 PM
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I have the same issue with that negative thought train and then I can't get out of the loop. I have found myself, lately, writing things down and then ripping up the piece of paper when I am finished writing. As simple and somewhat juvenile as it sounds, it is very helpful for me. Hang in there...it will get better, eventually!


Me 50, H51
3 adult daughters from XH's first marriage (plus 4 grandkids)
Divorce final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
1 adult daughter and bonus daughter-in-law from current H's first marriage
Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: Dawn70] #2507114
11/13/14 10:43 PM
11/13/14 10:43 PM
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California US
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That negaitve thinking is brutal .. Early on I can tell you it had me completely in its power, then I found things that I could do .. for me .. that made me feel alive, and good .. in a way deep down I could tell myself .. "Ya know, I will be ok regardless"

Its easy to let the WAS moods/actions effect you ... I still catch myself I can be elated if she gives me a bit .. to totally defeated if she pulls back. Truth is now .. its starting to numb. Had a good day Tuesday but I knew it was a test and she would pull back .. and yup .. no word in 2 days other than about S. I have been even keel all week though so I know I am detaching better.

Thats my point to you Jefe ... you have to become the rock, little emotion as hard as that is .. wave after wave can crash into that rock but it does not move, its stays true, she will know you are the rock if you exhibit this action, she will know deep down she can count on you. Detach, GAL, do your 180's ... these can be done without being cold, find yourself again.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: CaliGuy] #2507125
11/13/14 11:13 PM
11/13/14 11:13 PM
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Ontario, Canada
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I agree with all those above. I've had a bit of a difficult week, but I don't let it get to me as much as it use to.

Say to yourself: The pain will pass. I deserve to be loved. I will be ok.

Even the highs I get when she is really being nice to me don't affect me as much as they used to. And that's good because sure enough her mood will change and she'll lash out. Without the emotional high, the emotional lows are not so extreme. Better for the soul.

I agree that meditating is very helpful - just emptying the mind of all thought.

I know it's tough at night, but you must be disciplined enough to stop thought.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: PeterV2] #2507138
11/14/14 12:06 AM
11/14/14 12:06 AM
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UpperCu Offline
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Jefe, I know you're a Christian as well. And you've read a lot on others situations as well. The common theme for a successful DB or life-after-divorce is that you just have to give her up.

I suggest you get down on your knees and give your wife over to God. If you can't do that yet, then get down on your knees and pray for strength to give her over to God. You have got to start somewhere. You're letting your obsession of your wife eat you alive. I know the feeling and it is a battle, but God WILL give you help with this IF you ask and believe.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: UpperCu] #2507190
11/14/14 03:24 AM
11/14/14 03:24 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Wow, thanks for the out-pouring of support. That was very needed. I love all the suggestions and will start working on it tonight.

I just got back from "Man Church" tonight, I played in the worship band before the service. Very enjoyable. Good message too, Bill McCartney, founder of Promise Keepers spoke tonight. Almost was able to keep my mind busy the whole time.

Tomorrow, my mom is going to watch the girls so I can go to Kirk Cameron's new move "Saving Christmas" with my bible study group, YAY ME! A Real grown-up activity! Some times I just need something besides the Disney Channel and 6 year old conversation, you know?

And Saturday night it's band practice with my secular band, haven't been to one of those in months.

GAL in spades this weekend!

Hope, I'm working on my pre-marriage step 4 list. I have some interesting observations I made today, just curious about your thoughts.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6 [Re: Jefe] #2507219
11/14/14 05:42 AM
11/14/14 05:42 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
NY
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Hope414 Offline
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Posts: 176
NY
Did I miss your observations? I can't find them.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
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