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UpperCu Offline OP
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BGPs are slowly kicking in for W I think.

W had girls night Monday and stayed out until midnight. She worked Tuesday and when I got home after work she was taking a nap. Haven't seen her napping in awhile!

I made myself some dinner last night and W came to the kitchen while I was eating. I offered her food and she gladly sat down and scarfed food down as if she hadn't eaten all day.

W was planning on making a big purchase for some work related equipment, which I thought she had already ordered, but it turns out she delayed the purchase due to concerns about money and the uncertainty of the future.

Later in the evening I brought her a couple bills of hers that were in my name and asked her to pay them. One ironically was for toll fees for traveling to see OM a couple months ago... The other was for an insurance policy she had on my cc which was set to auto renew annually. When I asked if she had money to pay it she snapped "I don't have any cash!!! I'm using my own credit card for everything! This is insurance for my life and I cant just let it lapse!" I calmly explained that I wasn't questioning the need for the insurance, but just where the money was coming from. I backed off since old Upper would allow her sharp responses like this to bring me up to level 10 and fight.

Money is obviously a touchy subject for her.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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I guess I'm in a new type of holding pattern waiting for the BGPs to do their work. I know that takes time, but does anyone have advice on how much pressure I should put on her to act on what she is telling me she wants (to be financially independent, unmarried, move out, get a cheaper car)? She is basically living on my dime and her cc right now. Or should I just back off and watch what happens for now?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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I would never be the one to initiate divorce, unless I was the one that wanted one (or felt I had explored every other option). But for the FINANCIAL stuff, I think the-sooner-the-better when it comes to letting a wayward wife put their BGPs on.

It goes to the heart of the whole "let them feel what life would be without you" part of DBing, and besides -- it's just plain WISE to firewall your finances to protect yourself from someone in a wayward, entitled mindset in my opinion.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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UpperCu Offline OP
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I don't want a D, but I don't want to be used as a doormat either. I want to show her I'm ready to move on with my life with or without her.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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^^^ Listen to Starsky. Her putting bills in your name is just plain wrong. Be careful here, you may have some liability for bills while you both live under the same roof. It may be time to contact an attorney to see what the law is in your state. Good luck.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Hi Wet. I'm holding up over 90% of the weight on bills so I don't think I have any legal troubles there. I recently began firewalling assets though as my W was taking liberties with partying on our grocery money.

This evening W and I got home at the same time, she pulled into the driveway first. I was at a friend's house watching football. She asked how I was doing - told her I was good, she wasn't satisfied with my response as if I was being fake. I think my 180s and GAL are starting to concern her as they are making me more distant. Seems like she feels that we don't connect in the same way anymore. She grabbed me by the shoulders and stared me in the eyes and said "how are you REALLY doing?" I shrugged it off and said "I'm okay, not sure what you're talking about." Honestly I feel okay. A few weeks ago I would have hung around in hopes I would hear she had a drastic change of heart about our M, but tonight I felt fine just walking away to do something else.

Later on I spent a few minutes helping her put something together she bought and afterwards she thanked me profusely for the help.

Jefe - that made me think of how your W was going over the top thanking you the other day.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Right.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Sorry for all the long posts, but my W and I will go days without talking and then we have long, serious talks all at once. For the sake of full disclosure, and in hopes that you all can provide insight, it seems that I will be sticking with the LONG posts for now. smile

We talked today and she stuck with her script that she "feels" like she wants to be unmarried now, and although she will not commit to this as a "decision," it is what she wants "now."

She is clearly plan B-ing me. Since this is the millionth convo where she has brought this up, and 8 weeks after DDay there is little progress towards her actually doing what she keeps saying, I feel that I need to be very clear that I will not wait around and be her plan-B.

I told her that if we divorced I would not talk to her ever again. She seemed teary eyed and argued back that I would HAVE to talk to her at some point since we would have to figure things out with assets/money. I explained I meant after we were D, that I would have no reason to talk with her. That the decisions she has made for her life I cannot stand by. While I do care about her still, and I have heard that some people are able to work through infidelity, that I must live as if the future is uncertain, since it is, and live to protect myself since she is choosing to continue down the same path and say she wants to D me.

I asked her "since being single, free, unmarried, separated, and divorced is what "you want, then what is the next step for you towards that end?" She said her parents would have to get "on board" with her decisions and right now her dad is in disagreement with her. Her mom is being friendly mostly, but she thinks her mom is just holding out for a "miracle" to happen where W would wake up and realize the error in her ways and want to reconcile the M.

She said that after the holidays she thinks her parents will see her side more clearly. I highly doubt that. Knowing her family, they will likely have EXPLOSIVE arguments and all become more deeply settled in their own viewpoints and withdraw from each other. They are a family of debaters, not mediators.

It sounds to me like her "Plan A" is being dependent on her parents, while "Plan B" is being married to me. Yet she is preaching that wanting a D is all about being independent and free (not about OM, for heavens sake). I have doubt that she is being completely truthful about NC with OM, and am seeking to find the truth here.

She clearly is not thinking logically. At one point she even said that... I asked her what her general feelings were about herself, me, the sitch. She said her general feeling right now is one of Anxiety. She said "I don't know how I will pay my student loans and bills in 6 months, and that worries me, but am I supposed to let logic and finances influence my decisions? I know I am being selfish, but at least I am being open and honest about my feelings of wanting to be unmarried right now." I acknowledged what she said and said I agree, I don't think she is thinking logically.

She also asked "where do YOU think this is going?" I explained that while I do not know what will happen since I do hear what she is saying her feelings are, and that while I did not want this for our M, I know I need to distance myself from the negative trajectory where her life is headed. I said that the lies she has told and decisions she has made are harmful to our M and to myself and that I thought it was necessary to protect what our M stands for, along with what the principles of M stand for in general for my own sake and that of any future R I am in. I acknowledged that she has shown respect by ending the PA, ending contact with OM (as far as I am aware...), getting a job to begin to contribute financially. And while she has done these things out of respect, the trajectory of her life is still headed in the same direction which started us down this road, and I must continue to protect myself from her and her decisions. I told her that while she has told me the A is over and she has not contacted OM, that there is not full transparency and I do not actually know what was said to OM to end the A since I was not involved at all. She asked "what did you want to have a pow wow with the three of us??" I said "No, I never want to see him again, but that communication in the form of a letter or email, that I was aware of, would give me clarity of what she actually had said to OM and provide solid confirmation that your R with him is over." She told me that it "wasn't like that - they didn't have a R, it was just a one night stand... that happened multiple times. That they couldn't have a R because he has lots of issues he needs to work out and neither of them are available since she has a H and he has a GF."

I verified that minutes before this convo she had just looked up both OM and his GF on Facebook. She is clearly deceiving me by saying there is nothing there. She often looks up travel itineraries to his town from places she might work/travel to.

I called her out for being untruthful by saying "I don't have ANY MONEY" while she has $10k+ in a checking account from loan money she took out. She said "well I see that as school money, since it is a loan the Federal Gov't gave me for school, it's not for living expenses. I haven't been buying clothes and stuff!" (this is a blatant lie as I found receipts from large purchases she made recently for a $150+ pair of sunglasses and $100 of clothes purchased with cash she had w/d from her account with student loan money in it...) I said "I am not disagreeing with the purpose of your loan money, and agree it is your choice how to spend it, but the fact is that you are saying you don't have any money when you actually do. You have over $10k in the bank. You are saying a lot of things right now and not acting on them. Everything you are saying now is just that, just mere words."

She obviously heard what I was saying, as she immediately proceeded to put on her BGPs by:
1) paying the traffic bill I asked her to pay earlier this week
2) completing and mailing a form for a side job she found
3) going out to have the oil changed in her car (her oil light has been on for a few weeks)
4) and buying some work related equipment she has been postponing purchasing for over a year (she had money set aside for this and determined recently she needed to hold out with this big purchase since she is planning to divorce me)

She even called me twice within a 30 minute time period asking for help on a couple of these things. Ha!


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Uppercut

Sorry not to have anything useful to say....but this quote made me smile...

"it was just a one night stand... that happened multiple times." - priceless!!

:-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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UpperCu Offline OP
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My wife came home at 4:30am last night.

No respect.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
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