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Pissy female is probably a really good description. No clue why I said anything in the first place - I seriously need to man up.

Right now though that feel is like I need to gave way more arguements with her only to do it an a stronger assertive more masculine way. That would be a substantial 180 for me.

Though my kids do always point at them.

Not being sarcastic to that comment about eradicating things was a hell of an effort for me.

Last edited by jim0987; 11/10/14 12:34 PM.

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The two of you are in a power struggle, just like with two kids.

You can't bait her like that, and not expect her to come how with the claws. She has wore the pants all these years. You have basically taken the role of the traditional wife and mother. You will have a hard hill to climb.

Being masculine is not about who can yell the loudest. But I'm sure you know that.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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And she won in the sense I backed down and apologised for the timing where as she said nothing about her rudeness. Did make a comment about it getting her hackles up so at least she recognised she was being defensive (maybe)

I did better by my standards by not escalating it into a proper cat fight

I need to muster up some inner strength and figure out this masculine self assuredness business. Fast.

I was her boss at work when we fell in love (not a great start). At work im confident, open and in charge. Ive seriously fallen a long way at home.....

That 'sickly parenting mode' comment has really hacked me off. Probably a good chance that the affect on my PMA is why I said anything.


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Originally Posted By: jim0987
I was her boss at work when we fell in love (not a great start). At work im confident, open and in charge. Ive seriously fallen a long way at home.....
But it's great that you have somewhere you can find the inspiration of how you should act. Try to put yourself into the work mindset. Imagine you're at work. Try to see your presence around the house as work.


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So over the last 3 years barely ever a response to any email or TM from W. Including my email to ask availability for visits to potential schools for D3

I send one to say I've booked some visits (after waiting 4 weeks for a reply) and I get 5 emails in 10 minutes saying she can't make any of the appointments and that she has emailed them. Real high level of trust on display there.

Maybe she was caught off guard by it all.


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Do you have a strong male role model that you look to, as far as picturing how he would address some issues?


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Do you have a strong male role model that you look to, as far as picturing how he would address some issues?



This ^^^ is So important. Most of us learned what NOT to do in some situations, but then we revert right back there under times of stress.

We need to replace the negative reactions and approaches, with positive ones.

So finding a role model for that is crucial and oh so helpful. Then, when the $h1t hits the fan (& life will continue to throw us curve balls)

you really will be ready. IF your spouse sees an "old" behavior, it's frightening and confirms their worst fears; e.g., that you have not changed.

And a WAS will not return to a marriage they left..........unless


they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.


How are you Showing that? (Not in words but actions)?

See, the positive role model (or a ton of reading about healthy behaviors in stressful times) or newly learned how TO DO, behaviors is vital.

Make sense?


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It does make sense. I don't have a good male role model for dealing with conflict. My dads style is to belittke them abd utterly destroy the other persons confidence. my older brothers is violence.

No other men in my family really.

I've friends who have a good approach to life but no idea how they deal with tense situations. So in short my only male role models are fictional characters.

I'm trying to learn the better behaviours through reading and such. And ive worked out a bit more of a plan to improve myself.

I'm doing much better at not showing frustration and resentment but like you say one moment undoes days of good work. And overall I feel less resentful but its still there just different now. Little things that bothered me before now don't and it seems weird that I got so worked up by them.

In disagreements so far the improvement has been that I walk away rather than lash back. Next step is I have to stand my ground confidently but unthreateningly

It would be much, much easier if I wasn't sad and my W was helping with this is a loving a supportive way.

Finding the balance between positive but not weak is what I'm finding hard. I've always taken my strength from either being negative, being empowered by someone else or by being right. Not the way to be happy

Its very new and unsettling to me.

And I'll be honest I still have a sizeable chunk of fear and shame going on.


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Quote:
My dads style is to belittke them abd utterly destroy the other persons confidence. my older brothers is violence.


Oh my! Well, both of those are clearly not doable, and I respect you for choosing not to follow in those tracks.

Do you know someone now or in your past that set a good example? Maybe when you were in school?

It doesn't have to be a real person to have an idea of how he would handle things. Ask Mr. Bond, James Bond.


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Sorry my spelling was atrocious on that last post. Problem with always posting from my phone.

I've spent a lot of my life trying not to be my dad. Fictional is the only realistic option for a role model for me and the examples I can think of would all have kicked my W out the house and separated all the finances immediately before going no contact. (Not sure that's what you meant)

I know deep down that fear is my problem, when confident is what I should aim for.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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