We are trying to heal our M, and I am trying to help her heal and cope with all that is coming back to her. I must admit, however, that it is exhausting -- any thoughts on how to support someone through this would be appreciated. Especially when working on the R.
Don't let it become a part of your life...for long. Seriously. At some point she will have to let it go. Period.
Easier said than done, but absolutely 100% mandatory. I don't know how far I'd go into a reconciliation if I had any doubts about her resolution and healing b/c I fear you will get sucked into some type of crappy negative scenario and it's NOT your job to heal her.
Remember that. It's not your job to heal (fix) her. That is her job.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 11/03/1411:32 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, it was something specific -- but I would rather not go into it. She said (days prior to some of her memories resurfacing) that it felt like her entire heart had been broken wide open and was left raw. It was a very emotionally painful event - it just kind of started the whole ball rolling.
Oh, no need for details. The reaxon I asked is based on another person and that situation. Thet also had a specific incident to open the pasr for them. It was all quite shocking and hard to believe.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Really? I am beginning to read up on it and the occurrence of a "trigger" incident that cracks open lost or suppressed negative memories and experiences is common.
Many, (not all, but many), "repressed memories" end up being false. "Recovered Memories" are Not as valid & common as once believed.
That is NOT to say your wife's memories are false, at all! It's Just that I've seen people go to jail for things that never happened (see the McMartin cases in Washington State, and a lot of others)....so I'm always a bit skeptical when I hear those terms.
But I can tell you one thing, that's a big set of "luggage" SHE has to deal with and it effects YOU, so I guess you need to be careful what you wish for...b/c in a way it does not matter if it happened exactly as she said or only a little as she described, b/c it's a big scary monster, to HER...so
is SHE getting help for any of this?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 11/07/1406:16 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She is getting a lot of help, 25. She has her own IC that she has been meeting with weekly to cover this topic, how it relates/related to our relationship. On top of the counseling that we attend together. My IC, her IC and our MC are all part of the same practice (my IC owns it) and so they have been taking a collaborative approach with us -- we have ok'd them sharing our sessions among themselves. As far as counseling goes, it really is the best possible scenario for us.
As far as the validity of her claim(s), and I am not saying this as the "white knight" -I believe they are valid. Not solely because she say so, but because over the years I had been receiving tiny little pieces of the puzzle all along and didn't know it - and sure as hell didn't know how to put them together. However, and most damning, there are now medical symptoms that she is being treated for (after years of living with them) that validate her memories.
It is a lot to take on. But what am I to do? I am not going to leave her because of it. I am there to support and try to take care of myself and our son. This is not easy - but I sincerely feel that I am doing the right thing.
Moreover - things HAVE gotten better...a lot better....since we began this reconciliation attempt. Honestly, 25, I wouldn't con you on that. Communication has done a 180 (OK, it's like a 153 some days but it is significant progress) -- and we are more aware of ourselves, each other, and how we treat one another.
She's actually in Palm Springs for the weekend visiting a friend. So it's me and the boy -- just like old times, hellish as they may have been. Before she left, she asked "Are you guys gonna be OK" -- and I basically smiled and said that we have been a duo for a long time and the we would be just fine. Anyhooooo.......have to take the boy to see Big Hero 6 this morning. Not gonna lie - I kinda wanna see it too.
I understand what 25yrs meant about false memories. That's why I asked if there was anyone who could back up or remember some the experiences she says happened.
It doesn't seem to get a lot easier, does it, Crimson? Life always has new challenges to throw at us. I really pray she can heal over this problem. If I were her, I would need my H to believe me, above anyone else. It would be vital to me. I think you are showing her that you do and are supporting her every way you can.
25yrs is also right about not letting this suck you in as far as letting it take over your life. I hope this will not define your R with each other. I think you've learned you cannot rescue her (at least I hope you have), but this may prove to test you, IDK. Let the professionals help her and you just be you (the improved Crimson). So glad to hear the good side of things.
(hugs)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey there, Sandi - I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not (and am too lazy to roll back and see) but her sister can back up much of what she is saying and the memories from her childhood. In fact, when it all started coming back they met up to talk, remember and cry for awhile here at the house....S and I took off to let them have some privacy and peace.
Our "counseling team" has been very good about guiding us through this and making sure that it does not consume us. I am keeping my life at the same time and working making my new life permanent in the face of another person being in it....her, specifically/especially. It is hard at times - and I can sense my self looking back over my shoulder and seeing the old me looking back - but it passes. Is that normal?? I do not want to go back to that old life -- neither of us do.
Hey Crimson, what a ton of bricks, huh? I'm not an expert but I think how she acted in the marriage begins to make more sense in light of her revelations. My heart goes out to you both.
I'm glad you believed her because it's fear of people not believing the story that keeps these things buried and ruins lives. Our secrets keep us sick.
It seems you're getting excellent counseling support, which you all 3 need through this. The ripples of this go wide.
My best to your family. (( ))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
