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A Message from Michele
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Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2504500
11/05/14 05:58 PM
11/05/14 05:58 PM
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Haha, I like that. Or maybe a washable marker. : )


M: 36 W: 31
Married 9 yrs.
T: 11 yrs.
Son 8 yrs. (w/ Autism)
Bomb Drop 10/22/13
Divorce final 6/15
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Bunches] #2505715
11/09/14 08:09 AM
11/09/14 08:09 AM
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Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Not much to report from me. It was my birthday this week, so a bit of a mixed time - but did a couple of nice birthday things with friends and family. No contact with H recently - no birthday wishes. We've now not spoken since late Sept.

I think I've been doing pretty well with GAL things and working on myself. I think I've shown a lot of self-restraint and set some clear boundaries with H. Things going ahead with rental flat - I should move in sometime this month.

But, my problem is 'internal' really. It is all still on my mind a lot - 4 months after BD now. I'd like to feel more 'detached' emotionally - but I still feel 'attached' to the outcome of us being reconciled if possible. And things still go around in my head a lot.

What has helped you guys 'detach' more and 'move on' internally?

Last edited by Toots; 11/09/14 08:10 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2505795
11/09/14 05:53 PM
11/09/14 05:53 PM
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Hey Toots, I think you are doing great for 4 months. I'm just passing 13 months coming up and only now feel like I'm 'really' making detaching progress. Its slow work and the only thing that works is getting out there and feeling good about your life. Honestly, nothing has helped me as much as working out. Its such a stress release and makes me feel great about me.

Hang in there!


M: 36 W: 31
Married 9 yrs.
T: 11 yrs.
Son 8 yrs. (w/ Autism)
Bomb Drop 10/22/13
Divorce final 6/15
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Bunches] #2505828
11/09/14 08:32 PM
11/09/14 08:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Thanks Bunches. I have made progress, and it is still early days really. I was probably being a bit optimistic hoping to be more detached than I am...

Good to know that you feel much more 'detached' after a year. Hopefully I have that to look forward to! :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2505969
11/10/14 12:46 PM
11/10/14 12:46 PM
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So, I got a 'linked in' update today, saying that H has got a new job. Weird, and very much a sign of how things have become, that I only get to learn this online.

Showed some self-restraint, & managed not to visit his profile & have a look at where he is going. A bit worried he may be moving abroad to join OW. But that's just anxious thinking. We have a flat in London & his son is here, so I don't think he'd move.

I'm not sorry he is leaving. He really went downhill 'happiness-wise' there, and it was also where he met OW, so it has some bad associations for me.

Anyway, I know - best not to worry about it. I just felt a bit shaken to get the notification..brings it home to me how far apart we have become :-(


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2506023
11/10/14 03:41 PM
11/10/14 03:41 PM
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Good with the restraint...linked in is a bad one to look at anyways. Your ex would see who has been reviewing profile. No good if you are seen snooping.


M: 36 W: 31
Married 9 yrs.
T: 11 yrs.
Son 8 yrs. (w/ Autism)
Bomb Drop 10/22/13
Divorce final 6/15
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Bunches] #2506048
11/10/14 04:59 PM
11/10/14 04:59 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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I know...that's partly what stopped me! Also, I thought if I do know more, I'll just have something further to obsess about....

I closed my Linkedin account...I don't want to receive any more notifications like that - It didn't help with my peace of mind today.I was only linked in with H and a handful of others anyway - never really used Linkedin properly.

Grrr - off to meditate now - breathe toots, breathe.....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2507775
11/16/14 05:30 PM
11/16/14 05:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Advice needed please! Just to recap:

H & I not spoken since mid Sept

Last time we spoke he said he didn't know what he wants. Still loves me. Understands if I can't wait for him to decide. He isn't moving (in terms of making a decision)) at present.

I told him I was starting to move forwards with my life. I wanted to get a rental flat. I wasn't waiting - but I wasn't 'done' yet.

He is visiting his AP this weekend. Things very rocky there - keeps nearly ending. He's given ultimatums to her - then they come back from the brink etc.

The thing is - I spoke to a good friend today. She was in a state. He has told her things he hasn't told me. He has decided our marriage is over now. He knows he wants to have a family and what direction he wants his life to go in. It doesn't involve me. She has bluntly told him twice that he needs to tell me this.

She said she feels I need to contact him, in order that he can tell me he's made a decision. I have told her - if he has made a decision, and he wants to contact me. He can do that. I'm not rescuing him.

Help - any thoughts at this stage....please...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2507782
11/16/14 06:04 PM
11/16/14 06:04 PM
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Posts: 343
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I think you are completely right to not rescue him here. If you push the matter it can't help. Sounds like friend is mind reading and pushing that on to you. If his mind was made up and he truly didn't feel conflicted, you would have gotten that phone call already.

Time to hold to 'as if' and keep the focus off him. If you get the call, then you know and if not you shouldn't worry about it like it means anything.


M: 36 W: 31
Married 9 yrs.
T: 11 yrs.
Son 8 yrs. (w/ Autism)
Bomb Drop 10/22/13
Divorce final 6/15
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Bunches] #2507787
11/16/14 06:39 PM
11/16/14 06:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Thanks Bunches. I know that's the right thing to do...and I won't do anything - other than GAL etc. Just feel a bit desperate today though.....I learned that my marriage has ended - "on the grapevine". How can we overcome that?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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