Why? Does she get upset when you arrive at your own house?
I could see that in reverse. For example, I like my H to let ME know when he's coming because he is the one who didn't want to be a part of my life any more. I am living here alone because of choices he made.
This is no longer his home, by his choice. So I want to be informed when he's going to be here.
Jim... try and just stick to a few changes at the outset here. You're doing what many of us do and trying to do everything at once, looking for solutions. But what happens with that is you don't know what's helping and what's making the situation worse.
Did you used to text her when you were on your way out of courtesy? Then by all means, continue if you think that would be courteous. Does she do the same? Do you appreciate it? Then don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Continue to do the things that seemed to work well for you as a couple previously.
But don't start trying this, that, and the other thing. You'll make yourself crazy, not to mention those of us who are following along!
Stick to your lists: GALS Boundaries and Consequences 180s PMA Plan Base everything on the values you hold dear as a guideline FOR YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR, not hers.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Yes she does get upset and cross when I get home. She has said she just wants to be away from me (but apparently not enough to cope with living somewhere rented).
I take your point I'm trying to get to the end by skipping the journey.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
It's your house. If she wants to "be away" then let her take the necessary steps to make that happen.
You don't need to help her, assuage her guilt over it, make it easier for her, or to help her pack.
You certainly don't have to make yourself invisible so she can pretend you don't exist.
BTW, my H pretty much wanted me to do that. At BD he suggested I just "leave and go live with my mother in another state." Seriously. Just pick up and move out and leave my home and friends and husband without a second glance. He thought that was a viable solution.
So he could be "happier". Well you can read how that panned out!
Sometimes I'm surprised he didn't just kill me. That's pretty much what he wanted. Everything to be exactly the same, except I was conveniently and neatly gone.
Except I know he doesn't have the guts for that since he can't even put a chicken out of her misery, so murder wasn't an option.
On the other hand, if it was "legal"...? Nahhh....
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
On Ss06’s thread I saw the suggestion to write 20 things I like about myself. This was way, way harder than I thought it would be especially when I started taking off the things that are either transient or dependent on someone else.
Even with this list I’m not sure if its things I like or just things that I am. If it is the latter then I should learn to like these things because they are who I am.
20 things I like about myself.
1) My kids (they are part of who i am even though this is external validation) 2) I’m a good dad 3) I’m analytical 4) I get ‘concepts’ pretty quickly 5) I’m able to make connections between ideas 6) I can ‘wing it’ better than most 7) I can improvise solutions 8) I have ideas, always (however unrealistic or unworkable) 9) I’m curious about how things work 10) I’m can make a tasty meal (and delicious cookies) 11) I’m loyal 12) I’m a little bit silly and abstract 13) I have a dry sarcastic humour 14) I can really talk when I’m passionate or excited about something 15) I have an adventurous side 16) I’m genuinely concerned about others 17) I like to snug 18) I love Christmas and get quite festive 19) I get interested in other peoples interests 20) I'm fair
At the same time and not because I was trying to, I thought of things I don’t like and this was really easy and took only a couple of minutes to get to 27 – I probably could have kept this list going
Things I don’t like about myself:
1) I’m constantly looking for external validation 2) I procrastinate 3) I’m easily distracted 4) I’m very anxious socially 5) I assume people don’t like me 6) I constantly compare myself negatively to others 7) I’m very defensive when I perceive criticism 8) My sarcasm can be mean and vindictive 9) I sometimes say things I don’t mean 10) My emotions trip me up and make me second guess everything 11) I lack confidence 12) I hesitate to act unless someone has given me permission. 13) I’m not good with boundaries. 14) I avoid conflict because I’m afraid of the consequences..... 15) I'm not very assertive. 16) I fear failure and rejection so much that it stops me from trying 17) I project my fears onto others to get that reassurance by saying something negatively leading 18) I’m capable of some dreadful passive/aggressive nonsense 19) I use covert contracts all the time 20) I’m not good at reading and responding to other peoples feelings 21) I’m needy and insecure 22) I don’t respect myself enough 23) I don’t live up to my potential and so feel like a bit of a failure 24) I’m sulky and struggle to let stuff go. 25) I’m combative when in conflict (if i cant win then we both lose) 26) I whinge and moan and pick holes in things 27) I over analyse to the point where I go round in circles
I realised that this list actually provides a pretty good opportunity for trying to reprogram my thinking in a 180 style but have struggled to rewrite it as positive actions mostly i just ended up writing ‘Dont do that anymore’.
Then I thought that for a lot of this stuff its maybe not about 180s but instead the ‘aggregation of marginal gains’ (if you’ve not heard of this look up Dave Brailsford and British Cycling). The basic concept is that if you improve everything 1% then the overall improvement is massive.
Sooooooo........
Thinking about all of this and the overall changes in me i want to make (a few posts ago) I came up with this list of marginal gains that I can work on. Hopefully they are specific, positive and realistic ACTIONS that I can take every day and dont depend on opportunity.
1) Get a life – Always have a plan for tomorrow, whether that is with the kids, with friends or on my own, I should have a plan. 2) Detach – Slow my reactions and ask myself what am I feeling about this 3) Detach – ask myself does it matter, if it doesn’t let it go. 4) Detach – base my actions on what i think is right not on expectations of what i will get the return 5) PMA – at every situation ask myself what is the positive here? Remind myself that happy thoughts lead to happy people 6) PMA – appreciate what is good and show my appreciation for others 7) PMA – reduce the negativity, criticism and sarcasm in my words (it is not always perceived as intended) 8) Confidence – remind myself what is good about me and my life, especially if i'm feeling anxious or starting to make mental comparisons 9) Confidence – Practice confidence in my body language and thoughts (daily in front of the mirror as well) 10) Empathy – Validate other people's feelings, they are their feelings and so cant be ‘wrong’ 11) Empathy – Listen, really listen to what is being said 12) Empathy – Speak with care and compassion 13) Empathy – Dont offer a solution unless im asked for one. 14) Lead – be decisive when i need to be, be assertive in my decisions 15) Boundaries – understand, respect and enforce my boundaries
As for lines in the sand for my boundaries then I think these are - I will not accept being disrespectfully treated or spoken to, this includes being lied to or being told my feelings are invalid - I will not let someone else use guilt or shame to manipulate me - I will not live in an open marriage
I thought there might be more boundaries but actually that’s kind of it
So thats a long train of thought and the end point is really not much different to Cadet's welcome post and what i keep getting told but i think its a realisation I had to come to on my own (repeatedly - until it sinks in). But what is nice for me is actually none of those actions are about my wife, they are about who I want to be.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I've been out most the weekend with friends got home to take kids swimming and have had a day at home with the wife and kids. Cold between us. I put up a blind she has been waiting nearly a year for me to do (she commented on this'
She got cross about things which I didn't understand and anytime I made her laugh she immediately made a D related comment. My PMA was good and only once did I nearly rise to it.
Day took a turn for the worse. I snooped and think I was caught. PMA came crashing down and she commented on this. Feel bad that I snooped and that I think I was caught (she made no comment though). Also what I read upset me.
Couldn't keep PMA so made a flimsy excuse and left the room.
Read messages to poisonius friend abd the gist was that they want to date and are both signing up for online dating. W is still pursuing OM1. Me being at home puts W in a bad mood the moment I walk through the door. W loves being alone withiut me.
She described me as being in 'sickly parenting mode' - I was just being me and I'm hurt that playing with my kids is yet another thing that annoys her. What the hell makes me so awful? (And yes I know insecure snooping has to be part of the answer)
I realised that W and I used to be really playful and I stopped all that because W wouldn't let me. I let her stop me being me.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I'm no expert, but I seem to recall that your good behavior is expected to make your wife mad. It makes her doubt her choices. I see it often on these boards, W getting mad because their H are changing for the best. You're likely putting money in the bank for later. When she reconsiders, these things will play in your favor. Perhaps it's time to set your sights on a place a few months down the road and hope for nothing at the moment. It sounds like she will leave and live through something before she has a chance to reconsider her choices.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
She won't reconsider. She has invested too much and burnt too many bridges. She's nothing if not stubborn.
But seriously that 'sickly parenting mode' has really wound me up. what the ....... Is that suppose to mean? And why on earth would a mother resent a father for playing with his and being involved with his kids.
Until then I actually thought the day had been positive.
If I hadn't snooped I still would.
Last edited by jim0987; 11/09/1406:42 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
That's toxic thinking and you don't need to expose yourself to it by snooping! Yuck. I really really liked your previous posts. You're going to come out of this better.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
When you hit that point where someone is cross at you that 2 house moves ago some CDs, that she hasn't looked for until now, weren't put back in their boxes you really start to realise just how much resentment they are holding.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
