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Mish: Always remember there is always a "Plan B". Life doesn't always go exactly the way we plan but we can be flexible enough to roll with it. Marc has good health and he will choose another path. You can't even know that everything in the military would have worked out fine for him. One of my closest friends has a son who joined the military and planned his career. Now, 2 years in - he is leaving. It just wasn't his cup of tea.

There is more than one way to live a good life. It's all in the mindset.

I'm sorry for how you are feeling!

Barb

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It just feels like all of my own bad choices, disappointments, destroyed dreams are perpetuating themselves on my son now.

People ask "what are your goals?" "What do you dream of doing?" "What plans do you have for your future?". None. Zero. My pat answer is always "When I figure it out I'll let you know." It's a cover. I can't exactly tell someone that I stopped dreaming and making plans and goals for myself about 20 years ago because I realized they were foolish and unattainable. Very few people get anything they want out of life. Daily survival is hard enough without putting the added stress of trying to reach some arbitrary goal.

Yes, that sounds very defeated. I know. It stinks. Reality bites though so you either accept reality or live inside your head with dreams that will never happen no matter what you do to work toward them.

Marc will find a way. He may end up living with me forever but is that really so bad? With no further education he won't be able to do anything and he HATES school so he has no desire to go back...EVER. Maybe I can guide him toward a vocational school but he doesn't have any interest in doing those jobs. I hope he changes his mind soon or he'll end up in a job with a name tag asking if people 'want fries with that.'. Working fast food or something similar is certainly not the dream he had for his life. I just hate that he found out this early just how cruel life can be.


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Originally Posted By: mishka422


People ask "what are your goals?" "What do you dream of doing?" "What plans do you have for your future?". None. Zero. My pat answer is always "When I figure it out I'll let you know." It's a cover. I can't exactly tell someone that I stopped dreaming and making plans and goals for myself about 20 years ago because I realized they were foolish and unattainable. Very few people get anything they want out of life. Daily survival is hard enough without putting the added stress of trying to reach some arbitrary goal.
Why do your goals have to be foolish or unattainable? Sure, even I probably won't be an astronaut or the president. Does that mean I shouldn't aspire to be the manager of, "do you want fries with that"? If you aspire for nothing, other than daily survival, a survivor is all you will ever be.


Originally Posted By: mishka422
Yes, that sounds very defeated. I know. It stinks. Reality bites though so you either accept reality or live inside your head with dreams that will never happen no matter what you do to work toward them.
Or you can live in that other place in your head, where no matter how hard you try, life will always suck!. Just keep in mind; the rent is the same in both places, but the view is different.


Originally Posted By: mishka422
Marc will find a way. He may end up living with me forever but is that really so bad? With no further education he won't be able to do anything and he HATES school so he has no desire to go back...EVER. Maybe I can guide him toward a vocational school but he doesn't have any interest in doing those jobs. I hope he changes his mind soon or he'll end up in a job with a name tag asking if people 'want fries with that.'. Working fast food or something similar is certainly not the dream he had for his life. I just hate that he found out this early just how cruel life can be.

This whole post sums up your current sadness. You feel defeated. You're down. You're discouraged. It's like BD all over again. Now, all you have to do is pull yourself up from your boot straps and turn it around. Here, I will get you started. ....I am a happy Mom because I have an amazing son. He is healthy. He is strong. He is able to conquer the world. He is free to explore wherever he wishes to go. He is free to become whomever he wants to be. Happiness and success is straight ahead.....


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Originally Posted By: mishka422
It just feels like all of my own bad choices, disappointments, destroyed dreams are perpetuating themselves on my son now.



WTH? That doesn't even make sense Mish! C'mon, give yourself a break. You're a damn good Mom. He WILL find a way! My kid got suspended from University and now works about 4 hours a week, sadly enough but I know that she will find her way. I just have to love her and be there for her while she searches. Easy to say, I know...harder to do! Hang in there.


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Mish,

I hope you take what I'm going to say in the spirit of love and concern, because it's meant that way.

Quote:
Very few people get anything they want out of life. Daily survival is hard enough without putting the added stress of trying to reach some arbitrary goal.


Mish, this is absolutely not true. Period. They may not get everything. But what we get out of it is directly correlated to what we put into it. Period. These are the words of a severely depressed person. A person who cannot find joy in her own life because she's not been on the bandwagon of fixing what hurts. I think this is what keeps you from really working on your R with Gabe because you need to work on you first. What's the worst thing that could happen to address those wounds that seep out of your posts?

Everyone has bad stuff happen to them. Everyone. Pretty much everyone I know has had at least one life changing event happen as well. They are learning opportunities. We are not one dimensional beings. As Barb said, much of life is Plan B or even Plan X sometimes. And I'm going to use myself as an example here. This is stuff that very few people in my life know about me, and I've NEVER posted it. I share with my IC and people who know me intimately. But if it helps you, then I'm willing to open this wound. I've put it to bed with counseling and used it to propel me into the person I've become today.

In college I was date raped. It had very unfortunate consequences. I'm Catholic and I know how my faith community feels about them. But I had to follow what was in my own heart. It created a spiritual turmoil and made me feel "less than" for a really long time. I despised myself for putting myself in the position of making bad choices. I blamed others for leaving me behind. But I blamed myself for putting myself in the position to be taken advantage of.

The wounds were deep and very scarred. I still have a tough time trusting men. But I can't cast a net over every person with a penis because of the actions of one despicable individual. I work at it. Furthermore, at the time this was going on (I was 19), my faith definitely was faltering. I was a judgmental person. I saw things in absolutes - black and white with little options for gray, let alone hues of gray along the spectrum. I was harsh and condemning. And this one event was a pivotal, life altering event that changed my life forever. For the good. And I can say this with 100% certainty.

I focus not on the event, but what it forced me to see. What it forced me to become. I became a more compassionate person. A better friend. A more humble daughter and sister. And I learned to love me, wholly and completely - with all my flaws and despite some of the choices I had made. And I resolved to make better choices from that day forward. I have NEVER looked back.

I still have my diary for when I was going through that time. It's no longer heart wrenching. I feel detached from that 19 year old girl who felt those awful things. I look at her now as a sad person who morphed into something so much better. I forgive her and offer her my compassion now.

And the best part of this one is the message I carry with my D20. I've taught her responsibility, owning up to personal failures with compassion and strength. And I've counseled her friends as well. Her BFF transferred schools back home, she house sits for me when I travel and she tells me stuff that she can't tell her own mom. It's made me a better listener and friend in that regard too.

We are a sum of all those parts, Mish. It's not your job to figure out what Marc should do to find his passion in life. And just maybe he's watching YOU to see how he should approach his life. You might want to consider how he sees you tackling your own missteps and failings. Offer him the courage and strength to do the soul searching.

Quote:
He may end up living with me forever but is that really so bad?


Mish, yes, it IS bad. It's bad for him. We raise our children to become independent, to be the people they are meant to be, the men they are to become. It's the way of things. When you leave this mortal coil, he needs to know that he's independent of you. His failings are not yours and vice versa. You and Gabe need to support him in his next move by encouraging him to seek some guidance from someone qualified to help him. And in the meantime, you show him what it's like to fix what hurts by taking care of yourself.

(((((Mish)))))

I hope you can find the hope and joy you so desperately need. It's out there, but you have to believe you are deserving. None of us can do that work for you, though.

Love, Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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I agree with Betsey. She can relate to what you went through. You have to heal that young lady inside you. I am terribly sorry that you both have gone through this.

Mish, you can get past this but you have to work through it. You can't allow them to have the power to dictate who you are all these years later.

Marc is going to be fine and he will figure out his plan b, c and all the way to z if necessary. Have faith in him and find that faith in yourself.

Love you and Bets. Big hugs to you both. kat


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Dear God Betsey, a sisterhood I never want to have with anyone. It's a horrible thing to have happen and so scarring. I'm so glad to see that you were able to take the experience and use it ways to make you a lot stronger and more well rounded person. That is so wonderful.

I, unfortunately, went the other direction. I turned inward and haven't been able to get back out of the protective shell. I can trust but it's very limited. I don't judge men for what one man did but I don't trust my judgment at all and I talk myself out of taking chances on people and things all the time. I see them as doomed to fail or pointless because of the insecurities I hold on to.

Marc is just unmotivated. He says he wants a job to at least be doing something but he is limited as to where he can look because he has no transportation other than the golf cart. That limits him to the southern half of our town. There aren't many opportunities here. Even the fast food places aren't hiring. He needs a long term plan but I have no idea how to sit him down and form a strategy since I can't form a strategy for myself!

I love you guys so much. Although we have never met, I feel like you are some of the most honest, trustworthy people I've ever known. You are smart, successful, and brave and I appreciate all of your insight!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Mish,

Here's the deal. There are unhealthy patterns of behavior in your life that you inherited from your parents. Marc has inherited them from you. Someone can choose to change one's inheritance. If you want Marc's to change, then the most you can do is to change you.

Either you can keep making excuses, or you can get serious about breaking free of your codependency and take charge of your own life and happiness.

The first option will not help Marc lead a different life. The second will.


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Started taking St. John's Wort again and it's starting to help some with the 'crazies' as I call them.

Marc still hasn't found a job and isn't even considering a plan of action. I'm not sure when I need to start pushing him to get with it. He gets his back up if we ask him questions about his thoughts on his future and it's tiring to say the least. He's just unmotivated.

Marc's birthday is tomorrow. I have NO clue what to get him! Gabe half jokingly said "a job". LOL If only we could just buy him one!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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How about a bus pass to the nearest "work related" area? Was there no way he could work in the recruiting office even? I am sure he is depressed. You are going to need to show him what taking charge of your life looks like. Gabe too!

Big hugs, kat


Me-53(and learning!)
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