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jim0987 Offline OP
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Thanks Ahoy

I do know that I can't say anything of the sort. In part its still hung up on the why didn't I realise and why didn't she talk to me merry go round. And yes I know its because she was too upset and sad to tell me calmly and I was too defensive to hear what she actually meant. But I'm hoping understanding will help me identify the right changes in my behaviour.

Wish I could see the route back to our M (and be confident I can trust her again)

Even though we share a house for the next couple of months while she buys somewhere, we have very little interaction not involving the kids. She can't stand to be in the same room as me and tolerates it just to be near the kids. If I accidentally come into physical contact (it happens with small kids) she flinches and retreats.

I haven't had an TM or email from her in over a month even though the only things I've sent relate to kid things (like applying for D3s school place). Man that's frustrating because this stuff is important, has a deadline and is not about our R. She has just added to the 'he's trying to control me pile'

Any night its not my turn to have the kids I'm going out. And on my nights if she is in - then I go for a run. She mostly stays in her room messaging someone.

She is 100% clear she wants out, denied OM, and then says its not about that. Which is partially/mostly true.

Her family and friends know about the A and have all encouraged it as 'she deserves to be happy'. No one sees it as an affair because she says it didn't start til a week after BD.

Sorry kind of gone off on one.

Right now I'm struggling to work out how to behave round my W. I want to build positive interaction in the hope of rekindling her attraction without pursuing or being a doormat. especially if she thought i was too distant in the past.

I think she thinks I moving on but its not even got close to giving her reason to reconsider her choices. I think she thinks ive given up on the M and that now I'm just out to hurt her.

She doesn't respect, love or find me attractive and I have no idea how to fix that.

So all in all it feels a bit of a tightrope walk.

Last edited by jim0987; 11/05/14 04:29 PM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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Quote:
So my PMA was not good in fact I was hacked off about my situation.


And when it's not good......you start screwing up by second guessing yourself and rehashing the past again and saying you are trying to get your head around....and ask something that has already been addressed. So it seems to me if your mood is going to dictate all if this, your priority should be to have a PMA.

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My W was kind of excluded from it all and I was curt/terse with her. Asked her not to talk accross me


Which I already told you how you dealt with that time was okay. Now, by the way you word it, I am wondering if you reacted out of being in a bad mood or if you really all about holding to a boundary.

Quote:
Told her that I didn't really like the dress she wants D3 to wear for the nursery photos today but that I will put her in that as that's what W wants. She tried to tell me I'm wrong so I said I had a right to an opinion.


Is this the same situation where you said she was talking over you (interfering with you handling the kids)? B/c you are rehashing it, and this time you make it sound a little different. Was she dressing the little girl and you did not like her choice of dress? It makes a difference. IMO, you replying by saying you had a right to an opinion sounds more b'tchy than manly, but that's just me.

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I sorted her and stripped the sheets but didn't put the stuff straight in the machine. I intended to do it this morning but it was a 180 opportunity missed.


You took care of your child, while allowing her mother to sleep (I might add). Why is it a big deal you didn't put the sheets in washer immediately? Don't sweat the small stuff.

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So my confusion comes from how I should be when interacting with my W - friendly, upbeat and talkative or distant and uncaring. I can't seem to find a middle ground as she seems constantly angry or sad.


Thought this had been covered.

You have been giving others support. What would you tell another LBH in this type stitch?

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This is how its been for a long time and so its difficult to see how this might give her pause for thought.


If what gives her pause for thought? You listed several behaviors above. Which one are you referring to as causing her pause?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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To be honest I'd ask them what was wrong and if there was anything I could do. If they gave me a sign they wanted to talk then I would do that, trying to reassure them.

Then I'd try to cheer them up with silliness. And if that didn't work I'd leave them to it because I wouldn't want to end up being dragged into a mood with them. Maybe thats not compassionate enough. Actually that would probably seem callous and uncaring.


I didn't say a friendly co-worker. What if it was person that didn't like you and you had to share a confined space? Why are you concerned how your actions would be seen?

Look, you have a lot of resentment over the past three yrs. she was a SAHM, right? Her job ended when you got home, and your second shift started? Plus you didn't feel appreciated and instead of manning up like you should have, you continued being passive-aggressive and your NG behavior.

Of course she doesn't want to interact with you!! She is miserable there with you. If you were in love with another woman and planning to leave her in a few weeks, would you be interested in working on the R? Well I can tell you, a WAW doesn't. But you are doing the same cr@p. You are whining about her. You are you looking to her for an answer. You want her to make you feel better. It doesn't work!

She is miserable and wants out. She isn't going to change. She isn't going to make you feel better. You can rehash the past three years from now on......and it won't change things. Now what?

Why do you keep saying you are a bit confused? There is nothing confusing about it. She lost her attraction to you. If you had made it clear to her that she would be crawling out of bed during the night to take care of her child, she probably would have respected you a lot more than the way you chose to handle it. I have yet to see a woman very attracted to a man who has a job providing for his family and does all the work at the house, plus do all the child care........while she doesn't do, at the least, her equal share (especially if she doesn't hold down a job!). She learned all she had to do was tell you she was tired and you would have to do. The fact that she complained about you having to leave long enough to go to the job.......tells me some very unflattering things about your W.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi, for your advice and infinite patience.

Yes when my PMA is not good I start worrying whether I'm standing reasonable ground or being sulky. I get worried about tone posture and all the rest. My confidence is shot to bits on these issues.

So point taken sort the PMA and the rest will follow.

The dress was a conversation slightly before the talking accross. The kids had photos at nursery today and I took then. My W said that she wanted a very specific dress. I said that I didn't really like that dress but since it seemed important to her then I was OK with it. She started to try and tell me why it had to be that dress. And I stopped her by saying I had a right to an opinion and that I'd already agreed to what she wanted. Maybe it was b*****y it certainly pressed some of my buttons and I felt myself starting to rise to it.

I think it still confuses me about how to behave - I think I'm just being impatient about it all. I think the advice I'd give is to hold to my boundaries but otherwise perfectly friendly and interested. Resoect her privacy and space. No relationship talk. But otherwise as natural as I can manage. If my PMA is poor then excuse myself - no interaction better than bad interaction.

Pause for thought overall - something to make her question leaving the M.


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- She has had two children both with long deliveries and difficult recovery


What does that have to do with life today? Women have babies. They get over it.

She doesn't like what it did to her body. Why am I not surprised! Bet she tries to make you feel responsible, and some day she'll be telling the kids what they did to her.

Her dad and GF died. Sorry, I know how painful that is, but it is a part of life we will face....if we live very long. People move on, or get help in moving on with living.

Same is true when we have to move or lose friends. She needs to grow up and start dealing with reality like an adult. I know some people use these as excuses or to guilt their H b/c they aren't happy and it's his fault. Some people get attention when they complain about these things you've listed. Being the NG you are, I can see you buying into it, and carrying her around like a spoiled princess. Tell me, why did her friends abandon her? It should be a message to her.

You are going to have to change your way of thinking and behaving to people, and especially women. She will never respect and desire you as long as you continue buying in to her BS.


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Stern but fair.

She had 9months maternity leave after each child then went back to work 30hrs a week. So not stay at home but was for half of the last 3 years. She resented me for 'making her' go back to work but she had to financially and because the social isolation was driving her nuts. Her mood massively improved within a week of being back at work though she still resented me for it.

I don't know how much she holds that stuff against me or whether its me grasping for things to lessen the impact of my negative NG behaviour.

She would bring this stuff up if I pushed her to find out what was wrong. Though when she was angry she would say more stuff about my negative comments and sarcasm or that I was putting too much pressure on her. Half the time I didn't even notice the negative comments she was referring to.

She would say she did way more than half the childcare I would say that if there was ever a choice between watching the kids or something else then she picked the something else 99% of the time.

So I can rehash the past all I like but it comes back to the same thing. Whatever the cause she stopped respecting, stopped finding me attractive and stopped loving me. She was miserable for whatever reason and OM gave her hope for a happier future.

What that tells me is that she is done (which she has said very clearly) and there is naff all I can do about it. What possible incentive could she have to choose trying to work on a situiation thats made her miserable over new love with OM (and the casual sex option she is also pursuing). I honestly don't know why I want to save my M any more. And I certainly need to let go of the hope that she might have second thoughts.

I do want to make changes in me though because this properly suxx and if I don't I'll be back here in a few years with someone else having left me.

It does make me want to vent some of my anger at her though. (Not going to though). Accepting its 100% over would change my attitude to some things but then I risk getting quite petty.


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So stop trying to win her back. Take the pressure off yourself and stop being tense.

Start right now simply working on yourself. Consentrate on a life with your kids and planning your future. You are right, if you don't make permanent changes, you will repeat all of this with another woman.

BTW, you have talked to a lawyer, right? If there's ever a time to stand up for yourself and your kids.......it's when the W is leaving you for OM!


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Yes. Spoke to a lawyer and discussed my options.

They've reviewed the seperation and childcare agreements I drafted and okayed those. They have prepped an injunction to file should my W try and move the kids away from me.

We've negotiated a settlement pretty quickly which is fair to both sides. Just wait and see if she signs it.

I get to keep the house which protects my D3s school application and gives them a bit more stability (I don't really want to stay here but its the right choice for my kids)

When it comes to the finances and big decisions I've always been really firm in my boundaries.

Last edited by jim0987; 11/05/14 08:48 PM.

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Good!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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jim0987 - How much time do you spend on this forum each day? I'm asking because I realized that I need to find some balance myself. Reading about other people's sitches all day is not helping me to do the right things. It feeds my obsession with my sitch. I say that on the wrong day as I've gotten some marvelous advice for a tense situation, but over the last week, I found myself coming here as part of an obsessive behavior, rather than for a punctual visit with a beginning and an end. I encourage you to at least give yourself a time off of a certain period, slightly longer than what you would have done naturally. See if it helps.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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