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I think it was fine. As far as your W's bad mood, it could be that her and OM had an off day. It can work like that. When she's had her "fix" she's in a good mood. No fix = bad mood.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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jim0987 Offline OP
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Bit of a tangent/hijack/detour on mikechc's thread all about being a good parent. I think we all basically agreed the core point but disagreed on how this would affect WAW.

Anyway as I got involved I thought I'd put a link on my thread. Some interesting points were made all round
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2498873&page=4


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
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D paperwork in progress
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True, about the good father bit but h1 has taken 17 years to learn that.

I might update my thread, cause truely I need to vent stuff reacted to h1.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Im confused as to whether last 24hrs were good or not.

So my PMA was not good in fact I was hacked off about my situation. Still I played with the kids and got them into bed happy.

My W was kind of excluded from it all and I was curt/terse with her. Asked her not to talk accross me. Told her that I didn't really like the dress she wants D3 to wear for the nursery photos today but that I will put her in that as that's what W wants. She tried to tell me I'm wrong so I said I had a right to an opinion.

I think I probably cane accross as in a right grump. Not good. She was also in a bad mood so tense all round.

D3 had an accident in the night. I sorted her and stripped the sheets but didn't put the stuff straight in the machine. I intended to do it this morning but it was a 180 opportunity missed.

W was very cold this morning so I basically ignored her, kept to one word answers, and instead made the kids giggle - so much so they didn't notice her leaving for work.

So my confusion comes from how I should be when interacting with my W - friendly, upbeat and talkative or distant and uncaring. I can't seem to find a middle ground as she seems constantly angry or sad.

This is how its been for a long time and so its difficult to see how this might give her pause for thought.

She has said I was uncaring and unsupportive and to be honest that's what I'm now doing because she has said she doesn't want me and is having an affair (sort of). To do otherwise would be pursuing wouldn't it?

She's out with OM tonight so we will see what that brings.

Last edited by jim0987; 11/05/14 09:22 AM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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It would be hard living in the same house.

Maybe just as house mate. Me personally I would find it hard to give her time of day, but I really Find cheating hard to reconcile. My sitch anit getting better as far as I can see., so perhaps nc isn't best option. It would be very difficult in the same house.


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T 11y
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How would you act around a co-worker who showed up in a bad mood?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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To be honest I'd ask them what was wrong and if there was anything I could do. If they gave me a sign they wanted to talk then I would do that, trying to reassure them.

Then I'd try to cheer them up with silliness. And if that didn't work I'd leave them to it because I wouldn't want to end up being dragged into a mood with them. Maybe thats not compassionate enough. Actually that would probably seem callous and uncaring.

I gave up on even this a long time ago with my wife because she always just said she was tired. I know she was tired but I took over on the kids the moment I walked through the door to do the best I could to help. I suppose it was a NG covert contract - I would have liked an acknowledgment that I was doing my best rather than being criticised for the fact I have to work. She probably wasn't criticising but that'd how I took it.

Even though i recignise this now i'm still feeling quite bitter at the moment. I've been roundly ignored for 3 years, emotionally shut out while at the same time being held responsible for her happiness. it turns out I suck at be 100% of a depressed persons support network especially when they won't open up to me or help me to understand what they need. (I do know I did plenty wrong and didnt properly listen when she did try to tell me

right now my W feels trapped here at home and just 'wants me to leave and never ever come back' (she told MIL this in front of D3) and 'she can't stand that she has to pretend to be nice just to keep me civil' (found this when I snooped a few weeks back). So either she has a very warped perception of me or I am way worse than I thought.

She doesn't want to interact with me at all but then seems more cross if im distant (reinforces callous and uncaring). Being positive has got a better response from her but leads to angry outbursts from her but that takes a lot of effort if I'm on a down day. To be honest everything I do seems to make her cross and reinforce her hatred in one way or another.

So as I said I'm a bit confused by it all.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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OK so that has crystallised some thoughts.

My W has had it really hard the last few years
- She has had two children both with long deliveries and difficult recovery
- she isn't happy with the impact that it had on her body
- her dad died
- her gran died
- her best friend moved to new Zealand
- her other friends abandoned her
- her sister has ignored her
- she has moved cross country and is a long way from home
- changed jobs several times and now has an difficult and stressful role
- she had to give up her running which was a big part if identity

And through it all her one 'rock' - her husband - was busy making covert contracts and then being grumpy that he (I) wasn't appreciated enough. And that worse by always offering solutions rather than understanding he made her feel like she wasn't trying hard enough, so that even though he was there for her she didn't feel safe enough to ask for what she needed as she was scared he would just make her feel worse.

And the whole time she could see me directing the love and compassion she craved at our kids, just not giving it to her. So she knew I was capable just witholding.

Which on top of all of this there was the massive issue over her ex and my response to that which would have challenged any relationship.

%&£# %%££%&' &#@&%£

How could she resist the promise of OM or even being alone because at least alone there is no one she feels is judging her.


Answers on a postcard for fixing this one please.

Last edited by jim0987; 11/05/14 01:09 PM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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So I'd love to talk to her about this to tell her that I was/am proud of her and that I just didn't know how to do compassion - its something I'm having to learn like parenting (I read a lot of books on this)

But its actions I need and I can't for the life of me figure that out at the moment given the relationship dynamic. If it were a mate I think I would know what to do but with regard to my W who is in the middle of an EA (with on off PA) .......

I'm hope this OK but I'm also trying to use these boards to practice sone of this by commenting on other threads. This being a compassionate integrated man with a decent amount of self respect is something I really want to nail.

Advice and ideas (and stern comments) gratefully received.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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D paperwork in progress
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jim, it sounds like you're spending a lot of time thinking about your W and what is motivating her actions right now. How does that feel? Frustrating? There's not much you can do about it. You can't just jump back in and try to fix it, as much as you'd like to try (trust me -- I'm a fixer so I know how hard it is!).

Leave your W alone. Don't tell her that you're proud of her (HELLO she is having an affair -- be a strong man, have some boundaries -- read up on Starsky a bit).

It must be hard being in the same house. I would not be able to handle that at all. Are YOU getting out, having fun? If not, go do that right away. Not just to show her that you are moving on with your life but also for your own sake.

Hang in there, but try to shift your focus on the one thing you can affect -- yourself.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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