Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Ambitious yes but they are changed I feel I need to make. For me and my kids and yes also for my M.

I'd love to think it can be through sheer force of will but more realistically its going to be
1) reading, listening and learning
2) going through my analytical processing
3) Discussing with my IC though that's more about exploring the why's for me at the moment.
4) trying to make the most of these boards and the help that is here
5) giving myself some anchors and checkpoints
6) practuce , practice, practice until it becomes habit

Making it stick not sure yet. Im actually contemplating maybell tattoo suggestion as a visual cue for me.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
It is a great list and I think it's totally doable.

It's going to take time, but you keep working on it and it will become second nature.
And I think you're really going to like yourself more if you can embody the qualities you listed above.

And liking yourself more means that other people will like you more, too.

If you feel at ease in your own skin, can be clear in your communications, and not have a hidden agenda, that draws people to you.

Now--would you mind sending that list to my H? smile
He struggles with exactly those issues. If I thought it would help, I'd give him the NMMNG book.
But as they say around here... "You can't fix him". Neither can I point him in the right direction.
-------------------------------------------------------------
For what it's worth, I have Asperger's, It's an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, and in my case it's very mild. But it's definitely there.

But nobody I meet would ever suspect it. Because I have LEARNED how to behave, to listen, to empathize more, to control my voice and body movements.

Was it hard? Heck yeah!
But I was motivated. (Having no friends or having people turn away from you when you are being "nice" is a great incentive.)
I struggled from the time I was a small child, but I watched, I learned, I read books on non-verbal communication, social skills... all this before I was diagnosed just a few years ago.

That, aside from being sad, was a real-eye opener. It explained a LOT and gave me a lot of clarity and showed me where I needed to improve.

If I can pass for "normal" and have it feel pretty natural to me at this point, you can change for the better too!


---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
My IC and a coupe of others have suggested aspergers for me to..... Don't think I agree in my case. I think I just wasnt listening well enough.

NMMNG was such an eye opener for me. To the point I read it cover to cover in one sitting and felt a bit nauseous on occasion.

I think the list is doable just not easy (would be much easier with my W help) - not sure whether anything other than her leaving would have made me see it though. I'd heard of NMMNG two or three years ago but never read until it was too late.

Still my eyes are open now and I hope at some point your H opens his


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
I forgot: There's a section at the beginning of DR about how most people around us — friends, counselors, lawyers — will quickly advise us to get out of a difficult relationship. Friends and family especially want to see us happy and they go for the quick fix. As MWD wrote though, it's no guarantee that the next relationship will be any easier. Most importantly: these people move on right after the conversation and we're left to implement and face the consequences. The choice is ours entirely.

The way I have my support network accept that I'm still acting towards reconciliation is to present my actions as identical to the ones I would take if I were to move on. And it's true. Don't pursue, work on yourself, establish boundaries, etc. Now, I'm at a stage where I tell people I'd like to reconcile, but I describe my actions as moving on. I don't even mention my readings and present the method as obvious ideas. People think I'm doing great.

Another thing I find amusing about the support network: at the very beginning, I discussed the path ahead with friends: she will definitely move out, I'll give her space for a while, she might have an OM for a while (we even agreed the one she has now would be perfect for quick failure!), we'll be in touch only for the kids, etc. People then gave me high chances of reconciliation. Now that we're going through these steps, people's faith is waning. I have to remind them (my close network) that we saw all of this coming when we made our earlier assessments, that all is going "according to plan".

No one else has the stakes we have in this. No one else lives so much with the consequences, except perhaps our kids. I don't want to be deaf to my support network, but I remain aware of their built-in weaknesses.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Hey, Jim,

If they're "suggesting" Asperger's, I'd listen. It's not something you'd attribute to someone unless they are giving off that vibe.

We are often the last to know how we're really coming off. I have a few friends who have it; they're really smart, funny, quirky people. They don't see it in themselves, but others do.

Many don't know exactly what "it" is, but now I can spot one of "us" a mile away.
Two friends have since gotten diagnosed--in their 50s! And their spouses are grateful. Now they know what they are dealing with.

Do yourself a favor and do some research. It doesn't present itself the same way in everybody. For many of us, myself included, it's more of an internal struggle.

My best friend, who I've known for over ten years now, still doesn't believe I have it.
That's because she met me after many years of "working on it."

She should have seen me in Elementary School...

Self-awareness is key.
"You can't fix what you don't acknowledge", to quote Dr. Phil.


---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Mozza. Thanks.

I remember that section all too clearly and actually it annoys me that there is an attitude of there's no point trying to fix things. You wouldn't have that attitude to a house or a car.

I've kept telling people that there I things that I did that I'm not happy with and I want to deal with those. I've also used the same message about it not mattering what my goal is the actions are the same.

Still would like a few more people to be pro-marriage on both sides of this.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: jim0987
Still would like a few more people to be pro-marriage on both sides of this.
I had heard about the "culture of divorce" before but never really understood it. Now it strikes me how every women's magazine is "Don't put up with a bad relationship! Free yourself! Follow your gut! Happiness is around the corner!" I'm just amazed. It's likely that it makes for a lot of feel good articles, suggesting that there's an easy fix to your problems. Good reading.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
I'll look into aspergers some more. Either way I think for me the list of changes is still the right ones.

Im pleased that you've learnt how to overcome it though, its a real reason for optimism that we can learn new behaviours


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
A lot of women's magazines seem to be 'have the big expensive wedding you've always wanted' then 'bail at the first sign of trouble'

Frustrating.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Practicing my new Boundaries question.

So very tense with W this evening from the moment she walked in - she is really cross about something and I'm feeling pretty resentful about the whole situation. (Affair, her attitude, etc.)

Anyways while I was giving the kids their bath I went to tell D3 'one time minute' but W cut right accross me. I said 'I know you're trying to help but I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk accross me'

My tone was terse and I didn't look at her as I was busy dressing S1.

So boundary? Or stroppy? What did I do wrong/right?

Thanks in advance


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard