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Trying to make you the bad guy.

Also part of the script.

Hang in there.

--(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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UpperCu Offline OP
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Emotions are holding the reins for sure.

I text her after she hung up and asked her to reread what I sent her (my very logical and reasonable approach to handling finances and discussing when money runs out). She had more than a few firey words... She ended with saying she is tired of all the ambiguity and wants to talk about what's next when she gets home tonight.

Anyone want to bet on what words will be said?

I'm going to guess she will associate me with the devil and OM as the Virgin Mary.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
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This "discussion" doesn't have to be done on her timeline. In fact, it sounds like you've already stated your boundaries and the consequences for overstepping them.

All that's left is her attempt to bully/guilt/button-push you into backing down. Which is going to go exactly nowhere for either of you.

If you're doing what you believe is right by your values and your commitment to your own well-being and that of your loved ones, then you have nothing to apologize for.
If you are calm and not angry, and are not trying to manipulate her into doing what you want, then you're on the right track.

You are not doing this to "hurt/punish her" although you can bet she will play up this angle. You are taking care of yourself and your finances.

She might not admit it, but I think she will respect that stance.


She's tired of "the ambiguity" and she "wants to talk when she gets home tonight"?

Sounds like she thinks she's calling the shots here, or at least, she wants to be and the fact that you are asserting yourself is p*ssing her off royally.

(Boy, this seems to be a theme this week, or at least it's a lot of what I've been reading. WAW trampling all over the place, acting all entitled. It's p*ssing ME off! smile )

I would not engage with her while she's angry. Period.

You already stated your case, no need to repeat it.

At most I would say: "I am not attempting to hurt you, however, I will not finance your... (insert whatever you'd like to call it here)"

Then close the discussion and don't engage.

Maybe have somewhere you have to be tonight...? smile


---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Sad part is, W has over $11k sitting in another account so she could have easily transferred over $50 to pay her dinner bill... Zero brain cells utilized today.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
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Originally Posted By: GoatGal
Trying to make you the bad guy.

Also part of the script.

Hang in there.

--(G)GGG


yep -- BINGO.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: GoatGal
This "discussion" doesn't have to be done on her timeline. In fact, it sounds like you've already stated your boundaries and the consequences for overstepping them.

All that's left is her attempt to bully/guilt/button-push you into backing down. Which is going to go exactly nowhere for either of you.

If you're doing what you believe is right by your values and your commitment to your own well-being and that of your loved ones, then you have nothing to apologize for.
If you are calm and not angry, and are not trying to manipulate her into doing what you want, then you're on the right track.

You are not doing this to "hurt/punish her" although you can bet she will play up this angle. You are taking care of yourself and your finances.

She might not admit it, but I think she will respect that stance.


She's tired of "the ambiguity" and she "wants to talk when she gets home tonight"?

Sounds like she thinks she's calling the shots here, or at least, she wants to be and the fact that you are asserting yourself is p*ssing her off royally.

(Boy, this seems to be a theme this week, or at least it's a lot of what I've been reading. WAW trampling all over the place, acting all entitled. It's p*ssing ME off! smile )

I would not engage with her while she's angry. Period.

You already stated your case, no need to repeat it.

At most I would say: "I am not attempting to hurt you, however, I will not finance your... (insert whatever you'd like to call it here)"

Then close the discussion and don't engage.

Maybe have somewhere you have to be tonight...? smile


---(G)GGG


All of this ^^^, x 10.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Oh man, had to share. Saw pic online of W at a brewery this afternoon (so much for wine tasting??) and she had 20 half sized beers lined up ready to chug and she has two thumbs up like "yeah dog I'm gonna get drunk!"

And... that brewery never showed up on my bank statement. Must be where her card was declined.

Starsky, agreed it's been a long time coming.

G - thanks for the insight. Disaster (possibly) averted. I've got a buddy coming over to grill out with me tonight.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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Well, my friend stayed pretty late and W seemed annoyed and surprised that she wasn't the main event of the night. I went straight to bed after he went home and after I had cleaned the kitchen. (NOT being a slob/lazy is one of my 180s). Like clockwork, she came in to our room to talk about the events of the day... She basically blamed me like you all said she would. A few times I couldn't help but laugh as she stuck to the "script" of blaming me and rewriting history of how she has been "getting better and I just ruined all of her progress towards reconciliation," I'm a total jerk, etc...

It's just sad, but it's almost like she is an affair robot moving through the programmatic emotions and actions prescribed for all affair robots.

Like G predicted, she did eventually respect my stance on protecting family money and credit. She said she likes credit card debt less than I do. While we discussed the embarrassment of the declined cards, I reiterated that I didn't intend to hurt her, but was acting to protect money/credit.

I was done with the convo and was indicating I wanted to just go to sleep, but she continued to talk (I was laying in bed, she was standing at the door...). She volunteered reassurance that she didn't cheat on me this weekend, that OM wasn't at her presentation. Hopefully some new intel from the next few days will reveal the truth of this claim.

I turned the convo to a positive light when I asked details about her presentation and reinforced that she was a good presenter and knew her stuff. She bragged about how she was more confident than the guy before her.

I feel like it's been a productive DBing day.

Only God knows what tomorrow will bring.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
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Well done!

Feels good, doesn't it?

I loved that W was put out that she wasn't the center of attraction.
It's not to be mean; just to assert yourself and demonstrate how your focus is on things besides her and your M.

Having the friend come over was smart. But your W is a determined lady. She was going to have that talk she wanted come hell or high water.

But you handled it well; kept your cool, made your point in a rational way without anger or condemnation.

Sleep well!

---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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"She volunteered reassurance that she didn't cheat on me this weekend, that OM wasn't at her presentation. Hopefully some new intel from the next few days will reveal the truth of this claim."

Did it ever resonate that cancelling the CC had nothing to do with OM/cheating, but that she did not honor the agreemsnt she had just made regarding usage of the card?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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