Thanks Wonka. One of the great things I am learning and listening to, is having the new partner talk to me about the boys. She says exactly what you say, they are grown up and will make their own decisions and choices. It takes a while, but slowly that is sinking in. I am accepting that the boys are doing their own thing. I am their Dad, and always will be. I am very pleased and in a way honoured that they answer my texts quite quickly, haven't declined any invitations and saw me for Fathers Day. I am trying to start up a ritual, which is having dinner once a month. But like all rituals, it takes time. I cannot have a regular phone call time with the youngest son as he is doing shift work, which changes each week. So I usually have to text him, asking when he is available to ring. Actually ringing him tonight :-) The oldest one is a lot more easier: we talk briefly on Facebook and text. Chatting on the phone maybe each fortnight. The hard thing was just conversing on the phone. Neither boy wanted to ask questions and trying to get any info (not about the Wife) about what they are doing or have done, was like pulling teeth. Bloody hard. In one way I think buying the house from the W was probably something the boys don't enjoy. By that, I mean they probably don't like visiting the house because of it's memories of being the family home. I think while I am being positive about the knowledge the boys don't hate me, but are simply being young adult boys and not paying too much attention to their parents, the hard part is that they both live with the SIL. It would be so much easier to handle them living with friends etc. The SIL is very bitchy at times, quick to point fingers and has a way of making sure her opinion is the right opinion. Again, I just have to deal with the cards I have been given. I am still very lucky to have the boys in my life, while I wish it was more, at least they are still there.
Sorry to hear the passing of your father, it does sound like you really loved that ritual of Sunday evening calls. Take care Wonka.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Tomorrow is my 2nd anniversary of the BD. At least I am in such a better head space than I was 1 year ago. I have a beautiful partner in vikingblonde. I have learnt to listen better, to speak my view better, to actually hear someone else's view, to accept their view. I am trying to be a better communicator in all avenues of my life: my Mum, my sons, my vikingblonde, my friends, even my students I deal with at school. I think I have reached, or at least very close to, accepting my W is on her own journey. I cannot change or help her achieve anything, it is her job to do that. I miss her, still love her, and will probably till my last days on earth, wonder why she chose this path for her journey. I will always wonder why she never asked to go to counselling, to confide in the chaplain about her thoughts, or even speak to the family members. I have accepted my part I played in this event. But I will not accept that I made her have an affair, or choose this outcome she made. That is her doing. I have accepted the way the family and our mutual friends have acted towards me, but do not agree with the way they did this. I have accepted the loss of those family members and friends. I do not want them to be part of my life now or ever. I am a new hotwheelsaust, a new person that my wife will never know or see. Someone she probably wished I was when we were together. It took me a long time to reach this point, but at least I was one of the people who did. I wish I listened to the vets and acted accordingly back at the beginning, but stubborn me thought my way was better. Reality is, it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway, she was in too deep for anything to work. Onwards and upwards :-)
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I'm really liking your new attitude and approach to life. Sounds awesome! Yeah....divorce or splitting up also means changes in families, friendships, and other old structures. It s*cks!
Your new partner sounds like she's a good listener and supportive of you. How wonderful for you!
Thank you so much Wonka. Is amazing when you look back and see how far you have come. Like a lot of people, you never believe at the beginning you could ever achieve it. I am enjoying life immensely, especially with the changes I needed to make to me. The new partner is a great listener and very supportive, but it goes both ways. That is why it works. Yes, the changes in families, friendships and old structures does suck, but on the other hand, making new friendships, families and new structures is a good GAL activity.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I have decided that I can no longer wait for the W to do the divorce. My new partner, while not hounding me, has mentioned it isn't fair that she is dating a separated husband, rather than a single man. I accept that, it isn't right. We have been dating for over 9 months now. I have reached my point in life where I am comfortable to go ahead with the divorce. The W has not contacted me for around 6 months, I have seen her for nearly 8 months and she is moving to a new area with the OW at the end of our school year, mid December. As vets have mentioned many times in the forum, a piece of paper means nothing. What does mean something to me, is the standing up for myself, the improving of my life and not being left holding the rope hoping that the W doesn't divorce. Therefore I have an appointment with my solicitor this Friday to start divorce proceedings.
Do any vets have comments about how/why I should contact her to let her know this is happening. Should I just say "As a courtesy I have started divorce proceedings"? Or should I write a little bit more detailed text to her stating more? Along the lines of: I knew I lost you when......you moved out, you split assets, you moved in with the OW, you admitted the affair to your family.........now you have lost me. I still have love for you, but don't love you. I only wish the best for you and hope you find the happiness you so wanted. I have no anger or bitterness towards you.
Something along those lines.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
If you want to get a D, don't do it to get a reaction out from your W. It seems like you're still expecting that. You have a new woman. Concentrate on her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Or should I write a little bit more detailed text to her stating more? Along the lines of: I knew I lost you when......you moved out, you split assets, you moved in with the OW, you admitted the affair to your family.........now you have lost me. I still have love for you, but don't love you. I only wish the best for you and hope you find the happiness you so wanted. I have no anger or bitterness towards you.
Something along those lines.
Noooooo! NO. NO. That will get you nowhere at all, HWA. Keep your mouth zipped.
Just do what you feel the need to do and have your attorney work on D paperwork. Then have the attorney contact STBXW and ask her for her attorney's name.
It is all in your L's hands. Focus on YOU and your new life.
I know Bond said not to file for a D just to get a reaction from W, but if this is what you FEEL and want to do so, then do what you must do. It is all up to you.
Thank you Wonka and MrBond. I am not doing this for any reaction from the W. I am doing this for me, the time has come for me. Yes, I am taking into account the new woman and how unfair it is to her, to be dating someone who is still separated after 2 years of no contact with the W. I am not doing it for the new woman, but I have empathy for how she must feel. Mouth will be zipped Wonka, just checking before I do anything. See something I have learnt from my past :-)
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Thought I should give a small update: The partner and I are celebrating one year together next weekend, who would of thought I would have been here 18 months ago. I am very happy and pleased to say the DB principles have and are great for the relationship. I am a new man, with new principles in life and actually talk about any issues. I am still waiting for the divorce to come through finished. The solicitor did say it would take a few months. Saw the W for the first time in many, many months in December for our S22 graduation. She looked the same, but did not represent the person I was married to for so long. There was no connection, no skipping of the heart, just a person I knew. The W has now moved away from the country, and as expected, with the OW, to a town about 1.5 hours away from her family and our boys. I am still not having a great relationship with my sons, with very little communication and visits. I suppose I am going with the attitude that my son's are young adults and the parents are not the people they want to spend most of their time with. Somewhere in the last few weeks I heard something from the boys that made me feel that the W is in even less contact with them and/or less knowledge about them. Not that it is a contest, but made me feel that I wasn't the way shunned by them, but maybe both of us have been shunned by them. Maybe it is just the way for the son's to deal with the situation???? Anyway, my relationship, work and life in general is great. I don't focus on the W anywhere near how I did. I am getting better and better each day accepting my son's relationship with me. Yes I want it to be better, but I still have communication with them, which is a heck of a lot better than not. Most importantly Wonka, I sent the W a short courtesy text stating I have filed for divorce, nothing more, nothing less. I got a friendly, if somewhat weird response back, but nothing else. The solicitor is dealing with everything else. The W initiated a "Merry Christmas" text to me and I replied thanks back to her. I had no intention of sending her a Christmas text. Hope everyone still reading this is doing well.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
