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Cor blimey guv'nor - thread #4 and 2 months already

Here's the link to #3
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2502685&page=1

So quick summary of my journey so far.

#1 - a lot of what is happening and please make it stop
#2 - self pity and guilt about all I did wrong
#3 - starting to get the idea and realising that I need to improve me.

The journey so far is a lot down to the great advice and support I've been getting so thankyou for that and also thanks to anyone who has been following my situation. Its much appreciated.

The thread title comes from a conversation a couple of weeks ago. Is there really a better example of being completely detached, setting boundaries and being loved/loving than a cat? Since boundaries and detachment are two of my big issues at the moment then the cat reminder makes sense (to me anyway)


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Quote:
Since boundaries and detachment are two of my big issues at the moment then the cat reminder makes sense (to me anyway)


Hey, whatever works for ya. wink


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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So some reflections on the weekend:

What happened:
FRI - got in from work and put the kids to bed Friday night, did the chores and put my feet up. W went out with PF looking for 'Casual hook-ups in Birmingham got back Saturday lunchtime.
SAT - I played with kids all day Saturday, took D3 to football, made the Christmas cake and then took them to their first ever fireworks display (wasnít allowed last year, didnít care this year whether I was allowed or not). We chatted quite a bit during the afternoon. Sat night - wife asked to use the lounge so I went upstairs to read.
SUN - took D3 swimming (W took S1). Generally I was in full on silly, excitable but in charge dad mode all afternoon - had a really good day with the kids. W engaged here and there but then disappeared off a quite a bit. As soon as kids were in bed W disappeared into her bedroom. Surprisingly she was still up when I went to bed at 23:00 which is really late for her.

Good Points
- I had a lot of fun with the kids and made them laugh a lot
- I made my wife laugh a few times
- She bought up positive memories from the past
- I reacted pretty well to a couple of times when she started pushing my buttons
- I didnít sulk and I donít think I made any critical sarcastic remarks
- Lots of times she asked Ďdo you mind if I go and ......í and I was positive in my Ďof course, weíre goodí responses
- I had a plan for the weekend and went with it
- I didnít get too worked up by W going out Friday night (thought id be much worse)
- I didnít snoop even though I had lots of opportunity
- I didnít initiate any relationship talks
- I got some outstanding advice on this forum
- I did ok when D3 asked awkward questions
- Overall I think I did a good job of showing that ĎIíll be fineí when she leaves

Must do better
- I still wanted to snoop
- I donít think Iíve got my expression fully sorted yet , actions and words under control mostly but I think you can still see sad in my eyes or on my face.
- A couple of times I sighed with a pang of regret (in front of wife)
- I did rise slightly to a couple of things and a couple of times was maybe a bit too pointed for example she started talking about how she would have liked to take the kids to the fireworks and I said it was surprising as last year she was against the idea.
- PF bugs me way more than she should, oddly more than OM at the moment... weird huh?
- Iím nowhere near detached enough. Iím still too focused on what my W is doing and who she is talking to.
- I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself.
- I may have asked too many questions which put my W in a difficult position
- I drew attention to changes Iím making or being philosophical, but in context of the conversation. For example I said at one point ĎI realised Iíve spent too much time getting too worked up by stuff that doesnít really matterí

Other
- In a lot of ways it was like nothing had changed from the last however long. Iíve felt for a long time that days like that mainly consisted of me playing with the kids while my W watched in a sullen withdrawn mood. I probably should have done more to involve her in the past but that seems to go against the DBing now. Iím a lot more silly and energetic with the kids than she is Ė D3 loves to ride the ĎDaddy Dragoní. I do wonder if in these terms Iím too dominant and she feels excluded, but then whatís the alternative?

- It felt a number of times like she was trying to test me in some way whether temp checking or trying to push buttons. She also got cross about things that seemed to come from nowhere. Carried on this morning when she said something like 'whatís with the pained look on your face' I replied Ďpained? No. Hungry maybe?í A couple of times I maybe rose a little bit but hopefully not too much.

So in conclusion I think I did a good job of being an independent Dad who entertained his kids. I donít know what she thinks of my parenting style (it may actually annoy her) but I love my kids, they love me, I keep them safe, Iím in control and my kids listen to me (as well as any D3 and S1 is going to) and we all have fun. Beyond that I donít think I pressured or pursued her and did well in sorting my negative behaviours.

Like I said in a lot of ways no different to the past couple of years so Iím not really sure what that means for whether Iím doing the right things. The changes were more subtle in terms of my tone and that I was more in charge and less on eggshells.


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So just read GoatGal's post on maybells thread and i encountered that dawning sense of realisation (no promises Ive got it right though)

Many times my W was upset and when I talked to her she always said it was because she was lonely and didnt have any friends. I would immediately launch into 'Well why don't you call xxxxx' or 'you could go to such and such with xxxx' or 'next time we are down south you should meet up with xxxx' or 'what would you like me to do?'

Generally all in the 'here's how to fix it' zone

What I took from GoatGal's post was that I should have said something more like 'its been really hard for you being away from your family but you've done great. we should try and make some more time for you to be happy. What would help you to feel less lonely?'

Something more along those lines anyway.


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Good for you! Sounds perfect! I often wished my H would have spoken to me that way.


Me42, H40
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A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Quote:
I often wished my H would have spoken to me that way.


Yeah.....I probably would have fainted if I'd heard it. frown


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jim0987 Offline OP
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Let's hope I can remember this for the future.


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Yes, Jim, exactly right!

That response shows compassion without telling her what to do. If she ASKS, then by all means, offer suggestions.

I think you are doing some things quite well already:

1: You are becoming AWARE of your communication style and your W's reactions.
This is KEY.

2. You are learning and putting into practice what you are picking up here. It will take time to feel natural to you. Practice makes perfect!
No harm in rehearsing in front of the mirror. I play out conversations in my car all the time. "Ok.. if he says x... I'll say y..." and I'll practice the words, tone, and body language.

2. You are very cautious about choosing your words wisely! Having a basic script in your head is a great idea.
My go-to phrase for when I'm blind-sided by something he says is "Oh yeah?" with a very neutral expression.... "Oh. I didn't know that."
And then I have to go do something--anything--to get me out of there so I can think!
"I've got something on the stove..." "I want to hear what you have to say, but I really need to pee...."
I am a motor mouth when I get nervous, but I am getting much better with taking a breath and saying nothing. Or stopping myself in mid-sentence, modulating my tone, speaking more softly.
If all else fails, just say "That's a lot to take in. Let me think about it and get back to you after I've given it some thought."

3. Being aware of your facial expressions and body language, tone of voice, etc. is really important and you're off to a good start. For me this it the hardest thing because it's so unnatural. But these non-verbal communications carry as much, if not more, impact than our words.

You can practice this in private as well. Make sure your posture is open, no crossed arms, lean forward slightly, giving her your full attention, keep your body relaxed and release as much tension as you can. You can do it!

Jim, you are doing very well for living in an untenable situation.

I wish I could give you some guidance on how to handle this "W goes out with PF (???? what does that mean?) to find random hookups and doesn't come home until late the next day...?"

To me, this is very disrespectful behavior and if it were me, I'd feel I'd have to address this. You're not her father, you're her husband.
(Although we know in her mind, you're not, but whatever.)

Somehow it must be communicated that this behavior will not be tolerated and that there will be consequences.

You can't make her do anything or tell her what to do, but you can take action on your own.

Someone on here--Starsky?--said something like, "If you're not home by 2 AM, don't bother coming home. The doors will be locked and the lights will be off. I don't want you waking the children because they need their sleep."

I am paraphrasing this, and I don't know if it was said, or he just did it, but you get the idea.

Would Rhett Butler allow Scarlet to stay out chasing Ashley until all hours and then come sauntering in the next day, expecting brunch and happy family time? I think not!


I will defer to the vets on this one. But I wouldn't respect my H if he allowed this behavior without some kind of consequence.

Food for thought.


---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Tattoo it to your arm. wink


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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jim0987 Offline OP
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That's a long tattoo and I have a low pain threshold.

PF = poisonous friend
Ive covered this before but I generally feel that if your closest friend is constantly telling you how awful husband's are and that her affair is the most amazing thing ever 'never felt such passion' it has a negative effect. I was constantly being compared to her alcoholic, disconnected from children, unable to keep a job, financially wreckless and emotionally unstable husband. (He may be nothing like that but its how PF describes him). Between the two of them they would give everything the most twisted and negative slant. Its like she wants a buddy in her misery and my W jumped right in because she was lonely.

She did say should would be away overnight. Staying at PFs allegedly. As far as my W is concerned she hasn't done anything wrong because she told me she wanted a divorce a whole 5 days before pursuing a PA with OM.


Definite think I will have to do some mirror practice. I worry that I sneer when I don't mean to.



I'm going to have to watch gone with the wind aren't I?


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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