Newcomer With Hope

[25yearsmlc]

I think some people missed posts, here.

I said I was having a problem because people are telling me I'm stupid for still being in love with BF, missing him, and admitting I still consider him my soul mate.

Don't go to those ^^ people for any type of support. Man, they need to quiet down!


They tell me to bag the idiot and move on because he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve the crap he dished out.

None or very few of us "Deserve" heartache. But life isn't fair and the fact remains that usually, not always but nearly always, the walk away spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend leaves b/c they have felt hurt and their needs were not met for some time.

Sure, there are such things as serial cheaters and our job is to avoid them at all costs. But in a 10 year R you'd probably know if your bf was a serial cheater.

So we have to ask ourselves what WE can do to help change the R. Changing how WE behave inside the relationship, by definition changes it.

Someone responded and told me that's why you don't talk about it to non-DB peeps.


I don't talk negative about BF in any capacity to non-DB peeps, really.

But you said you like sharing all the details and you don't mind talking about your pain. So it's pretty natural they are tired of seeing your pain and they want it to end.

Like the Div Busting book says, it's natural for your friends to say "Drop him" b/c all they see is the pain you feel. Not the growth or introspective journey you are taking.

So I'm a little confused by your comments before and now. Can you see why?

[Mozza]

Just stopping by to say that the conversation about sharing our experience with friends and family is very enlightening. I should be sharing less. A friend of mine is coming over just now and I'll see if I can keep it shut! Thanks all.

[Little]

So I'm a little confused by your comments before and now. Can you see why?

Yes, I see why.

As far as my "action plan", it's going semi-dark. I don't contact him unless he contacts me first to talk about logistics with separating our things, which at this point is almost completely finished. I can't imagine I'd have too much left at the old house after this box he's made is dealt with. After that, there's literally nothing to talk about. We don't have kids. Unless he chooses to talk to me first, we have no reason to talk. We don't live in the same town, anymore and we don't have the same circle of friends.

Other than that, I'm GAL, hardcore. Doing things I love, for me. Getting out, having dinner with friends, going to the movies, doing seasonal activities, spending time with my cats, getting my nails done, things like that.

I'm in IC for me, too, where I plan to address some of the issues I need to deal with as far as partnering with someone else.

Do I want to get back with him? Yes. But the ball is in his court. I want an R with a man who wants me as much as I want him. I'd LOVE for that to be him. He's not there. He's in the greener pastures state with OW.

Honestly, he's pretty stubborn. I don't think anything I can say/do will convince him he wants to get into an R with me again. Even if he sees a total, 198348234 percent change in me. Not because things were that bad, but because once he's convinced himself he's done with "that", he doesn't look back.

[Little]

Stopped by a liquor store today to get some booze. I don't often drink and find that alcohol in and of itself is gross. I like "girly" drinks if they're made so I can't taste the alcohol.

Anyway, I was talking to the clerk about how I was just out of a long relationship and wanted to do a little drinking with "the girls", and asked what she'd recommend. She pointed me in the direction of some mango pineapple flavored vodka and then told me the story of how her husband kept bringing up his ex-fiance very frequently and in the end he left her to go back to said ex-fiance.

I'm starting to feel like there are no stories of people working out relationships and going from crisis to "we're stable now and it was so worth it". All I hear are stories of cheating, lying, putting people's own feelings and the desires of the moment first.

It makes me sad.

[Maybell]

!!!!!

Everyone says this at some point!
Yes, reunions happen. I know some personally. But you know, some of those same people also have broken relationships in their pasts that weren't reconciled.

The question is: what do YOU want from your one and only life? Is your X really irreplaceable?

[Little]

Well, my point wasn't that he left his wife to go back to his ex. My point was that he didn't stay with his wife. Or his ex in the first place.

I think of old-timers, the people that used to get married and when things get tough, they'd work through it, because they committed to each other -- commitment means sticking to what you said, even when you don't feel like doing so in the moment.

Too many people see relationships as disposable and if you become unhappy, they just toss it away and get involved in a new one instead of putting in elbow grease to fix the old one.

This lady's story made me realize that this attitude is prevalent these days, and you hear more of that than the stories of falling and staying in love even when stuff gets rough.

Also, since you asked: No. He's not replaceable. I can find someone new and they might be wonderful and fulfill me in some ways (maybe even in ways BF couldn't/didn't), but the will not be BF and his essence and energy.

I won't put my life on hold for BF, and/or close doors to new people coming into my life, but I still think BF is the other half of me and know he will be "the one that got away" for the rest of my life. I've been in relationships with other men before BF, and it was never like this. The bond and depth of connection can't be put into words.

[gan]

I know how hard it is to stay positive about things, Little, and I certainly relate to the concern that there is nothing left to talk about after separation logistic are sorted out when there are no kids.

I think it's true that there are plenty of people out there who are going through/have gone through difficult times in their R. But…there are people out there who figure it all out. You even got 25years reading your thread - so there is proof that it can be done!

Stay strong.

[Maybell]

Don't romanticize "olden day" marriages. My H's paternal grandfather cheated on his wife. She found out, but always thought it was her youngest sister. I don't think she ever knew who it was (I don't, but I don't know that part of the family well). It destroyed her relationship with her sister. Completely. And I don't think the marriage recovered either. He had a stroke that completely disabled him. The family put pressure on her to keep him at home and not in a nursing facility, so she did. She was a fairly fragile woman, easily overwhelmed. It set the stage for a lot of the family dynamics that followed. I think the impact of all that reverberates down into my own H's affair and our separation.

His maternal grandparents were in marriage counseling when my MIL was in junior high, and she told my H that he was right to move out because marriage counseling doesn't work and it's better for kids to be in a happy home. Don't even get me started on the condition of her own 43 year marriage, or on my parents' and grandparents' marriages -- all long term.

I sounded really insensitive earlier, I apologize. I think if I'd been kinder and gentler when I commented, I would have been more supportive of the idea of letting go and enjoying your life. As you're clearly doing with your girlie drinks.

Enjoy your Saturday evening in spite of my curmudgeonly self.

[Little]

Aw, no worries, Maybell. I am getting on with my life. BF dropped off my box this afternoon and I made the choice to not be here when he did. I know what triggers my pain and I'm trying to avoid him, now. LOL!

[LisaB]

Hey 25years, since you quoted me a page back I will hop in and say I appreciated your take on that and your advice to Little. Indeed we need to take a hard look at our role in things and change behaviors that didn't work or are not working.

By saying Little should take the texting as a baby step but ignore him, I meant to see it as a positive but not to take it as "oh yay he wants to get back together now!" and start pursuing. Well, at least in my situation that was not the right move I don't think. My H texts me all the time which is a baby step or a positive but it's not like he is coming home. He texts me about his dates forcryingoutloud.

I'm really glad you are chiming in here as those of us in similar situations can all really use your wisdom. And yes, I have read the books...many times. And glean more wisdom each time.

Little, your cocktail evening sounds great! And I agree with what Maybell said about relationships and positive stories. I saw your story about the lady in the shop as a sad story for her but a happy story for the ex! Maybe she was the fiancee stealing OW...hmmm....

Have a great day everyone! Hope your weekends are going well.
Hugs, Lisa