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Joined: Sep 2014
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mandown Offline OP
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So, a month ago i my wife tells
me she isnt happy and not sure if she can continue on being married to me. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I eas tdy with thr military at the time. I was not expecting anything like this from her. I have spent the last 2 weeks crying and drowning in my depression trying to figure out what to do to win my wife's love back. Before i go on, i must let you know that i have cheated on her and she has taken me back. It has been almsost 3 years since. Nk sex was involved. Honest to god truth, i felt terrible about it. We have been married for 10 with 2 children. So when i get home from TDY, we have a conversation, she is not happy and says we are living like roomates. I will say, we argue often, mostly starred by me. She said that i missed all the signs that she was starting to feel this way. The night after the conversation, i decided to go through her phone, honestly to see what her sisters are talking about so i can see how to fix my marrige. To my surprise, she confessed to her sister that she had slept with another man but that it did not have anything to do woth why she may not want to be married. I asked her about it and she said that it was an eye opener for her, that she would let herself be soo weak and let it happen, it sas then she realized that her love wasn't as strong as it was before. I was devistated. She said she was sorry and that shee regrets it but she still needs time to figure herself out. I would do anything to keep my wife, i forgave her for her infidelity because i have made the same mistake. We have spoke a couple of times about the future in the past couple of weeks; i plead and plead my love and my willlingness to change but she remains steadfast. I feel that i am smothering her with affection and it is making everything worse. What do i do? How long should i wait?

Aug 27
She has not asked for seperation or anything like that. She has ceased all communication with this person, and i ajve proof of this. We still live together, she responds to my affection, says i love you, hugs and kisses me back. I have gotten better about smothering her and i think that has helped. She seems more receptive to my affection now. The other day i didnt call her when i knew she was out of work,even though i knew she should've been home by then. She called and said that she figured that she'd call me because i haven't called her to let me know wherr she was, still at work. We had our first counseling session, it went pretty well, a lot of emotions and tears. I think we can weather this storm. I pray every day for god to guide me back into her heart..

Sep 4
We've had a a few sessions in counseling, 2 together, and indivual(2 for me and 1 for her). She said from the beginning that she would not continue to go if she felt it would not do any good. She did not schedule another for her, however I can going to continue to go. Things have been going fairly well I think, she seemed tk respdond to a small amount of my affection(or so I thought). I do little things that she may like or think is nice/cute. She still hugs and kisses me and says i love you back. But it does seem more rehearsed or ingenuine than id like. However I like to beleive that she wouldn't do it all if she was really done with it all. I had my counseling yesterday, it went well i think. I came out of there in generally good spirits. However, that would change later that night. We layed in bed last night and talk a couple of minutes about random things. Then she asked me how my counseling went and if i scheduled another. I told her it went fine and that yes i did, and that it could be for me, her, or as a couple. She didnt respond and i asked if she was done going. She said that the bottom line is she needed to make up her mind and she knows that me and our counselor talked about that. Honestly we did not. The gist of what we talked about is that I need to love without expectation. Because my wife is in an extreme state of confusion and does know what she wants. She then said "what needs to happen is, we need to separate. That is the only real way that I can truly have time to make up my mind. I am grateful for all the things you are doing around the house and with the kids now, but to be honest, nothing has change with me. I am numb." It was hard for me to swallow this. But, i responded calmly and said i understand, i respect that. What bothers me is that i expressed my concern about someone stealing her heart away while seperated, and that i don't wish to date anyone else. She said that i am trying to control things while apart. She said that seperated is just that, seperated. In other words, she wouldn't have a problem seeing someone else whil we are apart. At least thats what i interpreted as. We are not going to separate just yet, my kids are in new schools and she wants to give them time to asjust. Especially my oldest, she feels that the situation is affecting him. How should i feel right now? I trying to deal with my anxiety about it all, and i am getting better. Is there anything that i can do to stave of this seperation and start healing this marriage now? Any advice would be greatly helpful.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,456
Likes: 37
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Joined: Nov 2009
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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Sep8,
I had. My counselong session today. I think it went pretty well. I came. In a pretty good mood. Things went on as normal until we layed down to goto bed. She asked me how it went, and i told hr it went good. She asked if i scheduled another and i told her i did. We conversated for a few more mins and then started to goto sleep. Out of no where she started to pull on my ear lobe (she has a thing fof my ear lobes) and then layed on my shoulder and fell asleep. I wanted to melt.

Sep10,
This morning went terrible. We both goto up to goto work and the gym. She has bedn very protective of her phone lately, so she left it near me and left the room. I didn't want tp look at it becasue honestly i was scared of what i may find. But i did anyway. I noticed she had installed an app called kik. A messenger app. She knew somethkng was bothering me and asked me what was wrong. I confronted her about the app, she did not deny it, she said that she was talking to a friend and she doesn't need me to go and get crazy on them to try and get a hold of them. It just a friend she says. We then spoke about our relationship and that a separation is the only way she can make up her mind. I feel like she is going to use it as an excuse to see/date other people. I told her i dont want to do that and she said a separation is just that, a seperation. Like a divorce but no papers. I am afraid that if she does see other people, it will cloud her decision making and judgment. We are not separating yet, but i feel it is soon. How do i approach it all and not make it worse.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
Sep 13,
So, the week was going relatively smooth considering the situation. We were supposed to go out on a date tonight until disaster struck. I made the mistake of installing an app a few weeks back on her phone that would tell me would tell me who she was calling and texting and send it in the form of a text to my phone. It never worked so i didnt think nothing of it. When my W got home this evening, she said "you need to take whatever you put on my phone off right now. I was just about to text you and ask what the plans were for tonight and i saw this crap" I proceeded to apologize and explain to her that it was a while back and it never worked so i dismissed it. I was in a dark place and scared of what may be, her involved with another man. I took it off, and the night went on, talking normal in front of the kids, and eventually leading to me saying good night and i love you before bed.

Sep 14,
So today started of well, everything seemed to be back to the way it was since before the spy app thing. For the 1st time in a long time my 2 children and I went to church. I let her know that she is more than welcome to come, she said no and went to the gym instead. When we got back i went to a friends to change the oil in our car, all in all we got back home about 4hrs after we left for church and she was still not home. I tried not to panic but my mind was racing. She got home and I started to act a little clingy, hugging her, kissing her on the cheek, forehead, arm and such. It finally came to a point to where we sat and talked about the M, initiated by her. What it boils down to, is that she wants a separation to "figure things out". I told her that I do not think that separation is the solution to our situation, but I love you and respect you enough to give you what you feel you need. I reinstated my belief that separation should not be used to explore other options (OM), as this would cloud your mind with unfounded or misguided emotion. I told her I intended to use this time to re-evaluate myself and learn to become a better man, person,F father, and if god's willing a better husband for you. All this no matter what happens in our M. The S will not start until October or so, because she is visiting home, and starts a new location closer to our apt right now.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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Posts: 75
Sep 15
So today went pretty good. Today was her day off from work so she texted me while I was at work to ask if I could pick up my son from school today. I said yes that I don't mind. I did jokingly reply, "whats in it for me?" She replied, "a hung and thank you very much lol" Normally I would have responded with another joke text to try and bait her into some more playful convo, but I i just said, "lol, jk, yea i can pick him up, have fun shopping". She was heading to the mall to find an outfit to go out one last time with her friends from her current work location, before she moves to another one much closer to our apt. Whe sh got home I wa son the DB fourms reading, I got off and asked her how her day was and if she found anything for this weekend. Convo went pretty good. She said she bought me some new deodorant beccause she saw that i was running out. She said "look i got you this one this time" I smelled it and said it smelled good.

I opened the pantry door right behind her and threw away the little plastic cap that comes inside the lid. As soon as I turned arond, she grabbed me and pulled me towards her and hugged me really really tight. I was soo surprised! This hasnt happend in months. Of coourse I reciprocated, and went on for about 1 minute or so. We slowely pulled away from eachother, when we did, i looked into her eyes, smiled, then gave her a kiss on the lips it was over. Right afterwards she punched me in the chest playfully. I asked "dang girl what was that for?" She said, just cuz, it was getting awkard. I replied, "meanie". The night went on like it has been. Eventually we layed down for bed and talked for a while. I did my normal thing of huggin her, kissing here, telling her goodnight, and i love her, she responed just the same. It's days like this when it makes me feel good and that there is a glimmer of hope for me to hold on to.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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Posts: 75
Last night went well I think. When she got home, things continued as normal, casual convo, making jokes, and just general "roomate'ish circumstances. She went to work out with her best friend at the gym, and came home around pm. I was already asleep and when she layed in bed I woke up. I after about 5 mins or so, i rolled over and started to hug her and say goodnight. She came out of the covers and moved closer to me to give me a very intamte hug and we layed ther for a while. I then kissed her and said good nigth and i love you. She reciprocated just the same.

I am having a hard time with the whole detaching thing. I feel as if I were to show her no emotion, then she would take it as a sign of I am reverting back to my old ways and scare her off even more. I am struggling to find a balance between the two.

Another thing that bothers me is that I know she still uses the Kik app from time to time. I look at her gmail account and see the app in her list. I remove it, then it comes up again like she redownloaded it. I know I sholdnt be spying on her, but it is now a habbit I need to break. I never used to be that way until all this happened. I have been letting my fear and emotions control me. I am learning, slowly.

The last we talked, she did say that seeing other people, or getting emotionally involved with anyone is the last thing she's thinking about right now. Which does help put my mind at ease. I try to look at the silver lining, every time I confront her about anything, she has been brutally honest with me. She hasn't lied about anything. I try to view that as a good thing. I am choosing to believe her, but who knows how long I can last.

I am reading DR, and waiting on DB,5LL, and Hope for the separated to come in as well. I am firing on all cylinders to get this marriage turned around.

When she shows me the affection, I can't help but think that she is showing signs of maybe she is changing her mind about the separation, but I in no way ask or hint at that.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
I have been slowly started to GAL. I've been spending a lot of time with my kids, working out. I vent to a friend of mine that has been goig through a similar situation. He tells me that as long as your hearts is in it, then you should keep truckin.

I want this marriage, but the fact that she is acting the was she does sometimes, makes me feel soo hopeless about her ever wanting to. The rare affection does comfort me, but I'm not sure how to interpret it sometimes. Is she letting her guard down? Is she missing me? Soo many variables and possibilities cause me soo much anxiety. But i put a smile on my face, around her and my kids, and go about my day.

I do have my bad days/moments when i just think and cry by myself. The pain is like nothing ive ever felt before.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
M
mandown Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
So we texted a short while ago and I asked if she could pick up my son from school since I had a Dentist appt. She said ok. I then told her that I had a IC appointment @5 also and that she was more than welcome to come. She repsonded with "I dont know I'll letya know closer to time". I then said, "ok only if you are ready" She said "well i dont have anything much to say, so i dont know how much good it will do" I then said, Well if you would like to go by yourself, that would be ok too. Either way I understand and respect your descison.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
M
mandown Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
She did not end up going to counseling with me or on her own. To be honest, I didn't expect her to. I was just tried to keep up hope that she would. The counseling was pretty good for me though. C said that it seems like some progress is being made, and that she seems as if W doesn't feel like I fully understand the pain she has felt. W has expressed to many times lately that she see's me as fake and my mew found attitude is not real.

C suggest that I begin to write a heartfelt letter describing and showing undertanding of the pain I have caused in the past. Becasue I am feeling that pain now, and I understand how she felt, the sorrow, the emptiness, the void in my heart.

I will start on it today, and I am to bring what I have in my next session next week.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
M
mandown Offline OP
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M
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
So she went out with her friend last night, didn't get home til 430am. Obviously, my head went beserk. Why was she out soo long, what was she doing, who wasshe with?

Her friend, with whom i talk to about thw situation reasures me that nothing bad is happeneing. I trust her, as she only wants the best for us. I talk to her about once a week and she always seems to put my mind at ease.

On the other hand, our friends moved back to tex and my kids and i had dinner with them. With the children away from the table, we spoke about the situation. What was once her best friend is furious, she tells me that no woman "just has has sex with someone, a woman has an emotional bond with someone she lays with." maybe she doesnt tell her best friend because she knows she wouldn't agree? THIS scares this [censored] out of me. Is the OM that the affair happened with still involved?

She says it seems like she got a taste of something else and she wants to party and do it for a while longer before she decides on us, on her family.

I can't stand the idea of that. I refuse to believe that. I know my W, or do I?

Last edited by mandown; 09/21/14 01:34 PM.

ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
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