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UpperCu Offline OP
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Ok, W has opened her own bank account today and transferred her $10k+ loan money out. She didn't say anything before doing it, although this was a boundary I set since I don't want Her to use family money to perpetuate affair. I haven't talked to her in a couple days (still under same roof but she only approaches me occasionally).

Any advice on what to say to her if she brings up the new bank account? I'm working on dropping the rope.

I am guessing her next move is to move out. Any advice on what to say if she drops that bomb? Trying to be prepared mentally for whatever happens...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Sep 2014
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"I am guessing her next move is to move out. Any advice on what to say if she drops that bomb? Trying to be prepared mentally for whatever happens..."

Upper, you won't be ready. Just know that. The only thing you can really prepare for is that it's going to affect you in a way you didn't expect. Unless you are completely, emotionally detached.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Weekend went alright. W and I were both home this weekend. She was working on school papers, I was working on projects around the house that I've been putting off for the past 6 months.

W initiated several long conversations about our relationship. She apologized for the A, acknowledged it was wrong, and she cried. I just nodded and said okay and held my hand out to comfort her and she gave it a squeeze. That was the most physical contact we've had in 2-3 weeks. She had many questions about my changed behavior, and I apologized for not doing things differently in the past (I used to work late often, now I've been coming home on time, I've been hanging with friends every night, been going to church and bible studies, excercising more often, eating healthier, making the bed every day, picking up after myself, focusing more on my physical appearance).

She is still saying that she wants to know what she missed out on by getting married so young, that she has accessed a part of herself that she can't ignore and whatever happens, she doesn't want to regret passing up on the opportunity to be free and independent and NOT married. She is annoyed that she is legally bound by marriage, and I said I hear what you're saying and as far as I'm concerned, legally bound of not, you're free to do what you want. You know where I stand and that I didn't want this, but you're an adult and free.

I've done a good job at dropping the rope and we haven't argued. Although what she is saying is really hurtful, I swallow my pride and acknowledge those are her very real feelings.

I've checked up on her computer use and don't think she is in contact with OM, but can tell she is planning to see him soon. Seems like SHS is spending time each day fantasizing about him, looking up actors who look like him, watching sex scenes, etc... Her presentation in a couple weeks is related to a project he worked on so I think she is dreaming up her next encounter.

I know I'm breaking one of Sandi's rules...

Is there a healthy amount of checking up on her I can do to confirm if the affair is still ongoing? Or am I just hurting myself by not fully detaching emotionally? I feel like I know the answer, and I need to get out of the way so God can work, whatever his will is, but I am struggling with letting go. Any wise words?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Past few days have been rough. Have had very little contact with W, she hasn't called or texted me at all and I haven't either. I've been keeping busy but not seeing any visible changes is pretty rough. I feel stuck in limbo right now and it's painful.

I've started to read DB and I'm convinced divorce would be a terrible outcome, but I see little hope of reconciliation at this point. W seems to be staying far away from me.

I feel like I understand better what caused the room in our relationship for an A to occur. I gave my wife little attention on a daily basis, complained about work a lot but did nothing to improve my situation, ignored her encouragement when she tried to help us live healthier and exercise more. She was always available to me for support and was a really good wife, but I didn't recognize her efforts at the time. I rarely reciprocated the level of support and encouragement she gave me. I think she has begun to resent marriage because of what our relationship was like.

I know I can't change the past, or make decisions for her, and I'm trying to focus my energy on letting the hurt and pain I feel drive me to improve myself so no matter the outcome I am a better man and husband to my lovely wife or another woman, or if I'm single, however God wills it.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
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Sounds like you have a good PMA in the last para. Focus on yourself for now and be patient - it's early days yet - and doesn't sound as though things are beyond hope for your R even if your W is distant at the moment.

Just detach & GAL, and hang on in there!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu


Is there a healthy amount of checking up on her I can do to confirm if the affair is still ongoing? Or am I just hurting myself by not fully detaching emotionally? I feel like I know the answer, and I need to get out of the way so God can work, whatever his will is, but I am struggling with letting go. Any wise words?



What would you do differently if the affair was still going on, vs. if it weren't?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu


W initiated several long conversations about our relationship. She apologized for the A, acknowledged it was wrong, and she cried. I just nodded and said okay and held my hand out to comfort her and she gave it a squeeze. That was the most physical contact we've had in 2-3 weeks. She had many questions about my changed behavior, and I apologized for not doing things differently in the past (I used to work late often, now I've been coming home on time, I've been hanging with friends every night, been going to church and bible studies, excercising more often, eating healthier, making the bed every day, picking up after myself, focusing more on my physical appearance).

She is still saying that she wants to know what she missed out on by getting married so young, that she has accessed a part of herself that she can't ignore and whatever happens, she doesn't want to regret passing up on the opportunity to be free and independent and NOT married. She is annoyed that she is legally bound by marriage, and I said I hear what you're saying and as far as I'm concerned, legally bound of not, you're free to do what you want. You know where I stand and that I didn't want this, but you're an adult and free.

I've done a good job at dropping the rope and we haven't argued. Although what she is saying is really hurtful, I swallow my pride and acknowledge those are her very real feelings.



Regarding all of this ^^^^ . . . excellent job. whistle whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: UpperCu


Is there a healthy amount of checking up on her I can do to confirm if the affair is still ongoing? Or am I just hurting myself by not fully detaching emotionally? I feel like I know the answer, and I need to get out of the way so God can work, whatever his will is, but I am struggling with letting go. Any wise words?



What would you do differently if the affair was still going on, vs. if it weren't?


I think this is a good differentiation Starsky. I may be asking the wrong question.

I've been focused on whether the affair is still going on although my real concern is whether my wife has recommitted to our marriage or not. Thinking out loud here... She could choose to recommit and backslide, which would be painful but possible to survive, although me watching too closely might place too much pressure on her and wreck our progress. Or she might not recommit and not continue the affair, and by me watching her every move closely, I could misinterpret that behavior as a commitment to our marriage mistakenly. These seem like good reasons to stop spying. A big piece of me still feels betrayed and wants to continue watching her every move out of self defense.

To answer the question, I don't think I would do anything differently if the affair was continuing. I am working on detaching and GAL every day and that would need to continue if the affair is ongoing. I am starting to see the positive affects GAL will have if we do reconcile. Detaching seems to be helping me let go of control of her, and is giving me more dignity.

I feel like I'm at a point where I'm still holding onto what we had before the affair, even though I know that relationship died when she gave into the temptation of the affair. I am remorseful that I failed to listen to her before the affair happened. This has really opened my eyes up to what kind of husband I've been.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu


To answer the question, I don't think I would do anything differently if the affair was continuing.



Then there's your answer. For me, in my own sitch, continued contact with her ex-OM after my wife had promised no-contact and transparency was an absolute dealbreaker, so I continued to gather some random intel.

Each man must know his own core boundaries.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu


I've been focused on whether the affair is still going on although my real concern is whether my wife has recommitted to our marriage or not.



I'm confused then. Let me re-phrase my question: What would you do differently (or more simply, what would you DO) if you found proof that your wife was not sincerely committed to your marriage, and was just playing you?

I'm confused because just a week ago, you said:

Quote:
When he asked if we could try the hug/compliment strategy, W said yes she would try it, and I said NO because.... Although W says she has NC with OM, she has plans to be in his territory in a few weeks and "can't promise she won't run into him." I'm not ready to return to ground zero and at this point, a 2nd A or continuation may be the end of the line for me. I also told MC and W that I have enough dignity and self respect that I won't tolerate a continued affair and pretend that we are both working on the R when W hasn't committed.



Can you clarify?


thanks,

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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