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UpperCu Offline OP
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W is definitely curious about changes in my behavior. I shared previously that we had barely spoken in past week except for at MC. Last night when I got home W initiated a 2 hour convo. I started off with minimal info, used good eye contact and listened closely to what she was saying. She was roller coastering like Starsky predicted. From tears about being sorry for A and expressing how isolated and alone she feels, to anger about how I have given her an ultimatum that basically means she has to give up her career if she wants to be with me (I've never said that, just said NC with OM is a must if we are to continue marriage, which she seems convinced would end her fledgling career before it even starts). At one point she even said she loves me... I took that with a grain of salt and did not say it back. The whole convo I was looking for commitment to marriage from her or signs of what she will change, but it doesn't look like she has resolved to make any lifestyle changes at this point. So far she has respected my boundary of not sleeping in marital bed without commitment and hasn't stayed out late drinking. She did comment that her drinking buddies really arent great friends, since they don't have a clue about what she is really dealing with... Duh. It's been two days, but I'm sure you all know these small wins feels huge at this point!

I laid out financial explanations as well. I reiterated my plan to share in family costs and that family $ should not be used for A. She is in a crunch time for her Grad program so we agreed to table the financial convo for right now, but to revisit soon. She is going to continue to look for jobs in the meantime. I have laid a lot out as far as expectations this week and am trying to be loving while firm. Any comments on this approach?

She did not want to use debt to contribute to living expenses and brought up her legal case that as a dependent spouse, I couldn't leave her out to dry. This has been a concern of mine from a legal standpoint of we end up getting divorced based on research of laws in my state. I have NOT consulted with an attorney though. I feel like that may set a process in motion I don't want since I really want to reconcile. Your thoughts?

Saw W briefly at home during lunch today and had small talk about our days (initiated by her). She asked what my plans were and I sing ask what gets were. She noticed I made the bed for the first time in a long time... And in response I simply said "well you're usually still in it when I leave for work every day..." LOL

Hope you guys are doing well on your end. Will try to look at your sitch more tonight Jefe.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I have NOT consulted with an attorney though. I feel like that may set a process in motion I don't want since I really want to reconcile. Your thoughts?

Look around and you should be able to find a attorney who gives free initial consultations. That doesn't start any process- just gives you some info of what you should/should not be doing. And W doesn't have to know anything about it.



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I totally echo the advice ^^^^^^^^^

It's prudent and smart to protect yourself regardless of the outcome.
Doesn't mean the D process is starting or anything.

You'll have an idea of what to expect and of what will happen
should a D occur.

Knowledge is power.

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
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Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Look around and you should be able to find a attorney who gives free initial consultations. That doesn't start any process- just gives you some info of what you should/should not be doing. And W doesn't have to know anything about it.

Thanks Tarheel, I have called around to local attorneys for quotes and initial one hour consultations run from $100-$250. Any tips on how to negotiate a lower cost? I'm new to the attorney game...

Looks like W has decided to stay out late tonight drinking with her friend. While she is out drinking, her "former" friends are calling me to vent their frustrations about her new wayward mind. W recently told off her best friend of 10+ years when she and her husband told her they didn't agree with W's desire to divorce me...

Keep me in your prayers, today was a bad day.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu
Thanks Tarheel, I have called around to local attorneys for quotes and initial one hour consultations run from $100-$250. Any tips on how to negotiate a lower cost? I'm new to the attorney game...

Ask around to friends or relatives. Even friends who are M always seem to know someone who's gone through D. Most consultations in my area are free (smaller offices)- $100



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I am glad I found the passage below this morning. It was spot on with how I was feeling. The nights are definitely the hardest part of the day in DBing.

PSALM 30
I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. 2 O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. 3 O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. 4 Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name. 5 For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. 6 As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.” 7 By your favor, O LORD, you made my mountain stand strong; you hid your face; I was dismayed. 8 To you, O LORD, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy: 9 “What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness? 10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me! O LORD, be my helper!”  11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, 12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
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Quote:
. She seems very interested and curious, maybe this is a sign of something happening to her?


I just wanted to caution you to not mistake her curiosity for her changing.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Thanks Sandi. That is a very good differentiation to make.

What are some signs that would indicate changes? Can any of you veterans share from your own experience?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Here's an update:

W has been the one to initiate all conversations this past week. She asks my whereabouts, and I tell her, but I don't ask what she is doing or who she will be with. Last night she voluntarily TOLD me where she was going! Wow! It seemed like she either wanted to invite me but her pride got in the way, or she wanted me to know I can trust that she isn't running off with someone. Who knows. She also didn't stay out as late this time. Maybe because she was still hungover from the night before...

She has reminded me that the A has ended on multiple occasions this past week; I'm convinced it is only on "pause" while she sorts through her feelings. Also she'll be in OM's area in 2 weeks for a school presentation. I'm curious how she will handle that as I feel like it will tell me where she is at. She still hasn't recommitted to the marriage and hasn't promised NC with OM...

Still waiting for DB/DR books to come in the mail. Looking forward to reading them.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Another update...

Talked with my sister today. She and W were close friends before W and I dated. We all ran in the same crowd during college. They haven't been as close in recent years but have been able to pick up where they left off over the years. Since the bomb, W cut off contact with my family altogether. My mom reached out to her with no response and my sister decided to reach out yesterday to let her know she loved her, missed her, and was praying for her. My sister told me that W responded!! She said "thank you for the prayers, I'm just trying to figure everything out right now"

I know you're not supposed to measure progress daily/weekly at this point, but I've seen a number of signs that the wheels in W's head might be turning.

I have plans tonight with some mutual friends without W; I might invite her if she asks what I'm doing after I get home from work, assuming she is around. She hasn't texted or called me all week and I haven't either. Trying to stay the course... GAL+Detaching

Happy Friday everyone!


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
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