Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Yes, I do think you're going to have to set some financial boundaries, although it doesn't have to be today as you've already swallowed a lot. Maybe just tell her "Just so you know, I am NOT okay with spending of our joint family money on you seeing him, or in any way paying for you to conduct an affair, just so we're clear." You may have to make those moves soon or she may just respect your boundary like she did with the marital bed.

Stay the course . . . you're doing well.


Starsky


So I've been thinking about financial boundaries today and I'm not sure how to proceed. Here are some more details:

W initially confessed to EA after I found emails between her and OM on her phone, she voluntarily let me look at it but I found the email in her trash folder so she had to come up with a story. I directly asked her if she had sex with him, which she lied about several times saying it was only emotional. I connected the dots a few days later that it was also a PA for several weeks after a review of her Internet search history.

W is a grad student, is financially dependent on me, and she is currently unemployed. On Dday I set the financial boundary that I was not okay with supporting her if an affair was ongoing. After sending a firm email to her while she was on an out of town conference near where OM lives, she had one more fling with OM before coming home.

I told her then that I would not support us living together if she is in ongoing affair with OM. I laid out a plan where i basically would provide her with food, but I expected her to pay for half of all expenses going forward and to end the A before returning home. At this point I thought she was never coming home. She was avoiding me and I was shell shocked.

She came home after ending the A and has since been looking for jobs. She hasn't gotten one yet, but she decided last week to take out a $10k student loan which she says is for job certifications. I'm not that dumb and I realize she wants a safety net since her family is not supportive of her decisions and has advised her to reconcile the marriage and have encouraged me to hang in there. One of her supportive "whatever makes YOU happy" feminist friends likely advised her to do this. The job certifications are also necessary for a future project that OM will also work on... She never said she wanted these certifications before A.

The $10k is sitting in our joint account and she told me yesterday she wants to move it to a savings account. I've handled all finances and she has refused to help me out with handling finances when I've asked pre-affair. With that said, she doesn't have a clue about money or transferring funds, or how to get a debit card for one of our savings accounts... She asked for me to help her. I had previously asked for her NOT to take out this loan since she did not need it and we could sell a few things to pay for any certifications she needs.

My feelings on how to proceed financially are divided and I feel disrespected every day the loan money sits there. If she decides to reconcile I think one of my stipulations will be to return the loan funds as a sign to show she is serious. I will plan to tell her that very soon when I reiterate "not" using family money for her affair(s). Like you said Starsky, yesterday was a big pillow pill to swallow...

What are your thoughts on financial boundaries and my approach?

Feedback and prayers from all are welcomed.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Is your name also on her student loan?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Is your name also on her student loan?

No, the loan is only in her name. The funds are sitting in our joint bank account right now though.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Then let her set up her own account, and put the funds in there. Then you put together a plan that has her contributing to the shared family expenses, proportional to your incomes (with a floor on hers of say "25/75" or something, so that she needs to continue to go find a job). You have your own account, that your paycheck gets direct deposited into, and then you have a joint account that you each contribute into each month for the shared family expenses. If she wants to use DEBT as her contribution, let that be her problem.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
With that said, she doesn't have a clue about money or transferring funds, or how to get a debit card for one of our savings accounts... She asked for me to help her. I had previously asked for her NOT to take out this loan since she did not need it and we could sell a few things to pay for any certifications she needs.


So let her learn -- with her own money. Trying to tell her what to do with funds that do NOT have your name tied to them is controlling and you come across more like you're her dad than her husband. Let her put on her BGPs and find her own way here, as long as it doesn't hurt you.

Make sense?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
It all makes sense. Since she has been in grad school I have been either the sole contributor or made 2-3 times as much as her. It is sinking in that you are right on, she needs to contribute her fair share, although a part of me wants to hold onto financial control... My eyes are opening to the fact that I need to allow her to grow up in this area.

I hope you're getting paid to do this. You're pretty good...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
LOL -- just trying to pay it forward, as there were others on this very forum that helped me thru my sitch 7 1/2 years ago. smile


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Originally Posted By: Starsky
Trying to tell her what to do with funds that do NOT have your name tied to them is controlling and you come across more like you're her dad than her husband. Let her put on her BGPs and find her own way here, as long as it doesn't hurt you.

Let me chime in here that Starsky is dead on. This has been a huge problem in my marriage, that I come across as more of a dad than a husband. Keep in mind, wayward wives often act like children but you gotta temper the urge to sound like "dad".


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
During our premarital counseling several years ago we were advised to avoid developing a parent/child environment in our relationship so we have both always been conscious of when that is happening. Of course it has been unavoidable at times and it was easier to stay away from that while she was also working full time before grad school. Now she is in school with many single and "free" friends who live off loans and/or part time jobs and I'm working full time surrounded by adults older than myself, our lives are definitely out of sync. She is nearing the end of school so that will naturally push her into a different, more realistic environment (I'm assuming.).

I can't agree more though, her wayward mind ran straight to "child." That was evident in how she reacted to anyone who showed authority over her or "told" her what she should do. I'm praying and trust that the lack of pursuit and release of control will allow the affair fog to clear, albeit very slowly...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
"I can't agree more though, her wayward mind ran straight to "child." That was evident in how she reacted to anyone who showed authority over her or "told" her what she should do. I'm praying and trust that the lack of pursuit and release of control will allow the affair fog to clear, albeit very slowly..."

AMEN, living a parallel situation here, for sure.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard