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I'm putting this here because the house is nuts and noisy right now and I can't read through it and pay it the attention it deserves.

The star is inside of YOU


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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LOL Ss!! *pictures* :P

No now is not the time but yes I have been wondering the same type of thing. As you just commented on my thread, regaining the spark and flirtiness is key in our situations I think.

Yes we need to work on repairing the serious problems in our relationships and healing the damage from arguing, affairs, and what have you. But in the end of the day we are not going to get back together if there is no romantic and sexual attraction.

Now I know you are an attractive lady. And I know your H knows it too. But seeing that you are attractive and having that passion for you are two different things.

So how do we work on that? Most relationship advice geared toward getting someone to feel passionate says be mysterious and distant - run and he will chase. OK, I've been great at that! But so far it hasn't seemed to make him lust after me. It is making him interested in spending time together and talking so at least that is a first step. So maybe that is the answer?

Perhaps we need to do something a little different to make them see us in a flirty sexy way. Maybe it's a new perfume, a hot dress, a new hairstyle and a GAL attitude. Done and done but so far little effect other than him commenting "you look good", but maybe that is a first step.

Long story short, I'm wondering if maybe something like *pictures* would be a good idea at the right moment. It would certainly be shocking! It would definitely have to be done in the right way so as not to be pursuing, and at the right time as well. What about instead of photos, saying something light and flirty that would remind him of a sexy time the two of you shared? Well, I don't know, but it's something to ponder for later.

Big hugs to you Ss!
Lisa

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Originally Posted By: Ss06
I'm putting this here because the house is nuts and noisy right now and I can't read through it and pay it the attention it deserves.

The star is inside of YOU


Oh wow. Required reading for everyone. Thanks for finding and linking to it Ss.

When I read 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' recently, I was shocked by just how many things I was fearful of.

I was unable to attend a FTFADIA workshop yesterday as it was full, but I'll be looking out for the next one, and remember everyone ...

Whatever life throws at you, I can handle it.

(Not so) Old Dog xx


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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I'm not sure what it is but last night and today I've just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that H has decided it's over.

Our communication used to be more informative. Granted, when we do communicate it's not hostile or contentious. It's friendly in fact. But we don't share much. Or I should say, H doesn't share much. He's out of town. Where? I don't know. There's nothing in our past communications that would make him keep this a secret, except for the sake of keeping it a secret.

D is learning her first big piece on the piano (Swan Lake) and she asked if we could see the ballet, all three of us. Together. I looked around and found that it's being performed soon nearby (what are the odds?) so I texted H about it.

He said to let him know about dates. I found a performance on October 17 and texted him to ask him if that would work. He said, "That should work. I'm having outpatient surgery the day before. I might be moving a bit slowly but I should be fine."

What?

So I ask, "What surgery?"

His response: "V"

So, my husband has arranged to get a vasectomy.

We talked about it before BD. He kept putting it off, I was nagging because I was desperate to get off the freaking BC but I finally dropped it.

Now he's getting it and I can't help but feel like the lack of "hey by the way, I'm planning on scheduling this" exchange is just a big glaring indication that he's decided he wants a divorce.

Maybe I'm nuts. Mindreading, of course. When there's no communication it's hard not to. And I can't seem to do a 'vossy' and find the direct opposite of the negative thought...

... maybe he wants a V so once we get back together we'll be having so much amazing sex that birth control couldn't possibly keep up so he has to schedule a V.

That's stupid and ridiculous.

Yes. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I don't know and I don't want to know what I don't know. I just get this strong feeling that he's gone. For good.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Hi Ss,

We must be always be online at the same time because we're both on the west coast.

Here's what I think - there is a difference between your husband not being an active particpant in the marriage (which is what is happening) now and actively wanting a divorce (which may or may not hapen). Honestly, there probably are days when he thinks he wants a divorce, but probably not all days - I just don't think thats human nature especially with an 18 year relationship that appears to have started in your teens.

I know this is hard. I'm right there with you. I've seen several posters caution against timelines and I understand the rationale, but I've found it helpful to think that I really am going to have no expectations for improvement until at least the end of the year - other than the two of us being effective co parents. I assume that if there is no improvement at that point, it will have become more of a habit of thought and will be easier to maintain then.

A separation is a big deal. I don't think any WAS is really going to know or resolve their thoughts in a period of a few months. Obviously, my sitch is a little more dire (OW and husband has affirmatively stated he wants D, although he was very willing to wait 6 months)- and I have accepted that if the situation does turnaround, if my H realizes what he is trhowing a way- its probably going to take him a long time. In some ways, I think my situation is easier, because its pretty easy not to mind read right now - and I feel like I have no where to go but up. It also makes it easier to focus on GAL, which really is starting to kick in and help me.

I think you need to embrace this and stop tortuing yourself over every interaction (Honestly- I talk a good game but I would have been thrown by a vasectomy announcement as well).

Your husband probably has no idea what he wants and it could easily change hour by hour, day by day. He is in some sort of crisis right now. Accept that in regards to your marriage, he is not stable right now and when you are reading into things, wondering what he is doing it is only hurting you.

You seem like such a charismatic person with such a lot to give - focus all that wonderful energy on something besides H for awhile.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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raliced,

I'm grateful you're on the west coast because you always chime in when I need a life preserver the most. Thank you.

I know everything you're saying is right. I do. I definitely have trouble accepting things that are out of my control and this is great practice but man, don't you think I could have been given something smaller and less important to learn off of? wink

I need to be busier. I need to do more to GAL than just yoga classes. I need a freaking job.

In an effort to regain control, even if it's at least in my head, I work like crazy on myself. I've read 10 marriage/relationship books in the last month. Underlining, journaling, taking the surveys and quizzes, writing out answers to the questions so I can get to the bottom of my issues. It's almost obsessive, I'll admit.

I cannot get my mind off the journey of getting to be the person I want to be. The person I've always wanted to be. I'm so reactive that I know it's going to take time and practice. H has said that *if* we get back together there isn't a lot of room for mistakes. I get that. I've worn him raw.

Next weekend H has D and I wonder if I can arrange to go do something away. I'd love to go with a friend but all of my friends are married with young children so I'm not sure that's possible.

I'm in a rut. No doubt. I just need to find a way to get myself out of it before I get too deep into it. I'm going to start with putting away these marriage/self-help books for a while. Read for pleasure for a little while.

What else?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Originally Posted By: Ss06
raliced,

I'm going to start with putting away these marriage/self-help books for a while. Read for pleasure for a little while.

What else?


I think that is an excellent idea. Knowledge is power - but you need some light entertainment as well.

I know you're out there GAL, and, by the way, I don't think its realistic that we can all snap our fingesr and just suddenly have a well rounded fulfilling GAL in the period of a few months either (and some posters beat themselves up way too much for this). Didn't you say you were a photographer? I have to believe that there are a lot of charitable organizations that would love to have the services of a professional. I know the animal resuce I occasionally help out, is always begging for a photographer to take better looking pictures of the rescues. You mentioned making your home feel more "permanent" - are their other projects you can do to achieve this?

Also - it doesn't sound like your daughter is into sports, but is there an activity that you can get involved in together (volunteering, girl scouts etc)? I volunteered to coach D6s soccer team on a whim (having never coached before) and I have to say that being around a bunch of joyous 6-7 year old girls always gives me such a mental and emotional boost. It's become my favorite time of the week.

Finally - about not getting away because all your friends are married. Honestly some of the best trips I have ever taken were by myself during my sngle days. I didn't have to compromise and could do whatever the heck I wanted. Truly. Give it a try.

BTW - that change of mindset where I said I wouldn't have any expectations for improvement until at least the end of the year? That helped me tremendously. It let me stop focusing H quite so much and it was easier to accept that saying "No expecations" forever.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Oh yeah - and a feeling in the pit of your stomach is just mind reading via a different organ.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Second that on reading for pleasure. That's a GAL activity too. smile

Wish we could meet for a girls weekend! But a weekend to yourself is a great idea.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Here, I'll "pull a vossy" for you smile To flip that around, I'd be telling myself "at least he doesn't foresee a future where he starts a family with another woman" Sure, a vasectomy can be reversed, but it's supposedly extremely complicated.

Originally Posted By: raliced
Oh yeah - and a feeling in the pit of your stomach is just mind reading via a different organ.


So true.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
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