Having an interesting day/evening in terms of interactions with H. As I mentioned, yesterday was our anniversary and we had a nice lunch together. We also ML. Later in the afternoon we went to MC. We both seemed to think it was good, although certainly it stirred up some stuff.
Today I sent H a flirtatious text. He didn't reply for a long time, then sort of a lame text. I replied and basically said "hey, it's ok if you're not feeling it right now, we can't always be in the same place at the same time". He replied "thank you" and that was it. I asked him about his day and said it was "ok". I said "I hope it gets better." To night he texted me and said "it did not get better". I replied and said "I'm sorry, what happened?". He said "Just a bad day." Now I know I'm minding reading but he talks to me about work all the time so if it was not work related I can't help but feel it's about us.
Interestingly, while my stomach aches to think that he's perhaps (again!) struggling with his feelings for me, I don't at all feel desperate or like doing all the pursuing/temp checking type behaviors that go along with the fear of losing him. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to being really ok if this ends.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
MDU, I can relate with the whole why does one person have to be the 100% in, forgive at all costs, be the "grown-up" while the other spouse get to be happy and seemingly care free. It [censored]. Don't give up hope yet.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Yeah, I get the one person needs to be forgiving and one gets to just do what ever.
I was constantly struggling with h, telling a grown man how to behave just shouldn't be part of a marriage. They should know hitting is wrong, an a is wrong and hurtful.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
So H has definitely pulled completely away since the MC appointment. We exchanged a few texts and its clear he's struggling if he even wants to try anymore. Here we go again. We have D's 5th b-day party at the house on Sunday. I wish I didn't even have to see him.
Fortunately I'll be busy all weekend getting ready for D's party. Tonight I'm going out with a friend who is an amazing support and always makes me feel rejuvenated after spending time together.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Thx, Dev. I'm hanging in there. Haven't called or texted H all day. Planning on keeping my distance and waiting for him to reach out to me (if he does, we'll see). I told him multiple times that if needs to talk I'm here to listen, even if it's something that might be painful for me to hear. He hasn't reached out. I just learned today that my Dad will likely have to have electroshock therapy. My mind and emotions are reeling. I find it very sad that even with what's happening with my Dad, my H can't seem to find compassion and understanding for some of my strong emotions and be there for me. I haven't even bothered to tell H about this latest blow with my Dad, it will just hurt me more when he's not there for me yet again.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Sometimes discussing things at MC sessions does dredge up some bad memories which produces negative reactions/thoughts. I think the main thing is for you two to be able to open up to each other without attacking the other person. I do sincerely hope that the MC is solution-oriented and not allow the sessions devolve into rehashing of past issues.
Yep. I can see how and why H would have a long scorecard. That is why many WASes walk away because they're holding on waaaay too much resentment and anger about the M. Life is tough. It will take time for H to lose his vice grip on his scorecard. Time and patience.
Now on to your Dad. I am concerned about the electroshock therapy. Are you okay with this? If not, then I'd speak up against it and take steps to get power of attorney & health care proxy over your Dad's health care. That is something for you to think about.
I am personally against electroshock therapy for various reasons. It is just me.
Hope you have fun with your friends and D5's birthday party!
Perhaps ask H to spray silly string at the party...that will make him crack a smile and...gasp...even laugh!
Wonka, as always, thx for your input. Regarding Dad, my sister is a nurse and has POA & health care proxy. We're actively discussing options, I assure you we will make an informed choice and advocate strongly for whatever we decide, no worries there!
Regarding the MC, yes he is solution oriented and short term. We did a good bit of research when selecting him. I wanted to be sure we're giving this our best shot. Actually, he employs a couples counseling approach called emotionally focused therapy (EFT). I had never heard of it but am reading a lot and finding it quite fascinating. It actually has the BEST success rate stats of any couples therapy out there --- 70% - 75% of couples experience significant improvement. In all my readings I had never heard of it before! It's endorsed by John Gottman and aligns nicely with a lot of his work. All of this is very important to me as I'm a very facts, data, logic person. Show me the numbers! Gottman's got some of the best research out there so if he thinks it's good that says a lot in my book!
Had a great night out with a relatively new friend who is becoming very dear to me. She lost her husband last year and is grieving deeply. They had a wonderful marriage, the kind everyone dreams of. I learn a lot from her about what true love really is. It makes me reflect on my own often non-loving behavior in my M. Friend says that when she talks to me about her M she feels her H with her. It's very fulfilling to her and to me which is so incredibly healing right now since H really can't be here for me like I need right now.
I'll be busy today with prep for D5's b-day party tomorrow. Plenty to keep me distracted. I'm really hoping the kids soccer games get rained out this am. Love spending a bit of time hunkered down on the couch with a cozy blanket on a rainy day.
Have a good one everyone.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
