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A Message from Michele
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Continuing DBing after the affair #2490755
09/24/14 04:29 PM
09/24/14 04:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Ontario, Canada
Seems my last post filled up.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2490379&page=11

Had a setback last week. I admitted to padding my income so I would be able to qualify for a mortgage myself to keep the house in case we divorced. She thought I was taking income away from her on paper to benefit myself and she freaked out. It took a couple of days and showing her accounting reports to demonstrate that it was not the case - that I didn't underreport her income to overreport mine, and I think she calmed down a bit now. It was a tense couple of days, but last night seemed to be back on track - we talked and shared wine for hours.
At one point she accused me of bad behaviour and asked me to fess up to something, but I have no idea what she was talking about. I have behaved badly from time to time but until I know what incident she's referring to I'm not about to start rhyming off all my missteps. Sure I've done things I'm not proud of, but mostly it's to avoid D or to deal with my hurt.

I will continue DBing and I do need to GAL. But I spend almost all my spare time with her now. Maybe I should be less available, but that goes contrary to meeting her need for quality time.

I believe her primary LL is Quality Time and her secondary LL is Words of Affirmation. Mine is Acts of Service and Physical Touch. So I'm spending as much time with her as she asks for and always building up her confidence and self-esteem whenever I can. She keeps saying that in the past she felt like she was unimportant to me. Now instead of denying that, I just tell her I'm sorry if my past behaviour made you feel that way, I have left that part of me behind and will continue now to behave in a way to make you feel that your are the most important person in my life, which you are.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: PeterV2] #2491722
09/27/14 03:05 AM
09/27/14 03:05 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
Things seems to have gotten better this week again. I laid out all our finances and said I would correct anything that required correction on the monetary side of things. She seemed to be ok with that.
Tonight we were having a good light conversation over a glass of wine. She gave me her foot to rub & I obliged.
Then she changed her direction and said "there's something I need to tell you but I don't know how and I don't think I'm ready yet because I still have to work it out in my head." So I told her, whenever you're ready I'm listening.
She said it's about my behaviour - that I have to grow up. I told her I was working on self improvement and self-awareness and every day is a school day for me.
But I didn't probe any more into what she was referring to. I'll just have to wait until she either finds a way to tell me or she decides it's not important enough to make an issue out of.

(I sometimes feel like asking if she's still in touch with OM and ask to see her phone if she denies it, but I think that would be highly counterproductive)

Then I reiterated that she is the most important person in my life and that I want us to grow old together. I told her she was the love of my life, and that she used to say I was the love of her life, and that I'd like to get back to that point. She said there's a lot of work for us to do to get there. I said I know and that I'm willing to do the work, but I'll be patient and wait. When she's ready I'll be there for her.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: PeterV2] #2492073
09/28/14 09:09 PM
09/28/14 09:09 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
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sandi2 Offline
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Hey Peter, I saw your message for me to drop by. Did you have something specific in mind?

I tell ya, you deserve an award for hanging in there like you have! I also read your posts to others and believe you do a great job encouraging and guiding newcomers.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: sandi2] #2492079
09/28/14 09:18 PM
09/28/14 09:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Hi Sandi. Thanks for the compliment. I often find the best way to learn is to teach.

My W said back in July or August that she wanted to tell me something but couldn't. She said that again last week. That she is trying to get her head around it, and can't tell me.

This has me thinking that she's planning on D or getting back with OM or other such things that I fear. (mind reading) When she does say that, I just tell her, whenever you're ready, I'm here to listen. But I'm jumping out of my skin.

Should I just be patient and wait for her to spit it out or should I say something to coax it out of her.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: PeterV2] #2492083
09/28/14 09:25 PM
09/28/14 09:25 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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I would not try to coax her.

Why would she say it had to do with your behavior if she was thinking about D or OM? Doesn't fit.

I know, it drives me nuts for someone to hint at something they want to discuss later! Why would she even bring it up? Is it her way of preparing? For what? Who knows! May be another one of those issues in the past she still holds against you. That would be my first guess.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: sandi2] #2492108
09/29/14 12:03 AM
09/29/14 12:03 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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I think the "my behaviour" thing and the "there's something I need to tell you" thing are 2 different issues. But who know.
Yeah, it drives me crazy.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: PeterV2] #2492113
09/29/14 12:28 AM
09/29/14 12:28 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Oh, well that doesn't sound good. But maybe I am just thinking in negative terms. It still sounds to me as if she's telling you to brace yourself.

So, brace yourself Peter. (hugs)


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: sandi2] #2492150
09/29/14 03:33 AM
09/29/14 03:33 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
I think she's hesitant because she expects me to lose it when she says what she has to say. When the time comes, I'll be especially vigilant to do the 180 and take it in, and say something like. Thank you for the information. I need time to process this. And then leave and if I need to freak out, I'll do it in private away from her.
Then again, maybe it will be something that I find innocuous.
Who knows.
I'll just have to let the universe unfold as it will.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: PeterV2] #2492439
09/30/14 03:44 AM
09/30/14 03:44 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
We'll she brought up the "my behaviour" issue tonight. Someone told her that I was on the internet looking for sex. I asked her when this allegedly happened. She said January.
I confirmed it. Yes, on Dec 30 I had decided that I was getting divorced. I gave my W one more chance by asking if she was going to spend New Years Eve with me but she declined and spent it with the OM. So that sealed it for me. I stopped all contact. I worked for 2 days on the division of assets and drafting the separation agreement, I started my new life, I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer and I went on line and joined some dating sites: eHarmony, AdultFriendFinder and F**kbook. I admitted this to her. Yes I needed to get laid.
Then on Jan 4 after 5 days of NC, W comes in the door and says I think we could work this out. She said she was going NC with OM. So I thought I would give her another chance. I cancelled my lawyer appointment and we started an on-line relationship building course. I cancelled all my on-line dating subscriptions and committed to fixing the M.
Well within a week or 2 she was back in touch with OM. And the lies and deceit escalated.
So now she is disgusted at me for looking for sex on line that first week of January.
She said OM would never do that. I said, no, he's a real moral guy, stealing & f**king a married woman, yeah a real angel. She didn't have a comeback to that. But she is still disgusted with my behaviour that week. I told her I was in a messed up state of mind and she said I was just making excuses.
I told her, we've both made mistakes. Let's move forward. Not dwell on the past. We have work to do.
She's not very receptive to me at this point. We hugged a long goodbye and kissed. I kissed her again and told her that I loved her. She said nothing. but did look me in the eyes for a long 5 seconds so I turned and left.
I'll be spending the day with her tomorrow as we have things to do at the RH.
She wants to see all my receipts from the internet dating sites. I'd like to see all her receipts from her exploits with OM, but I'll not bring that up. I'm totally pissed off that she feels so righteous and accused me of bad behaviour. WTF is an A? Good behaviour?
I've gotta cool off.

Last edited by PeterV2; 09/30/14 03:46 AM.

M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing after the affair [Re: PeterV2] #2492498
09/30/14 09:47 AM
09/30/14 09:47 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
If it wasn't so hypocritical it would be funny.

It's as if she is looking for things to blame you, but doesn't see her own faults. (Very typical of WAW'S, so I'd say she's still in that mode.)

I have to say Peter, you were a real gentleman in the way you handled your response. If it had been the other way around, hell would have erupted!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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